Is he taking the p*** now?

[Layla17]

I started a thread a few monthe ago when my dp and father of my 2 young dd's told me he wanted to leave. You were all a great help to me. In the end he did not leave and we have been trying to sort thngs out. We have been to Relate and we are getting on really well. He is working away this week and last night i spoke to him about the fact that we are not having sex at the moment. He said he was still not sure about us and that he didn't want sex to confuse things. He said he still cannot give me any guarantees. I was working on the basis that things were going well and we were gettng back on track and now I feel as if all my hopes have been shattered. Worse stll, he is going to his works party on Friday and the OW is gong to be there and I am worried what may happen if alcohol is thrown into the mix.
Has anyone got any advice?

Layla - yes he did lie (like i never thought he could). Yes he did dilly dally an awful lot. Everyone else could see what a complete arse he was making of himself but him. I think he actually started to believe his own lies too.

It took an awful long time for him to 'come round' and get his sense back. He now cant even believe that it was him, he had changed so much and into someone he didnt even like himself.

He looks back now on that time as if it was someone else - and i think that is why i am able to slowly love him again.

Dont get me wrong it is not an easy road to take and i know that things will never be the same again. It is as if the 'magic' has gone but has been replased by something else that is more grown up and wiser.

I have learnt an awful lot about myself too and that has been a good thing.

I love my husband again now and he is actually a better person now, we have more time for each other and i do believe he will not do it again. But i also love myself more now and will not compromise my true values even for him.

I know a lot of people think it is better for the children if parents split up but i really dont think so - my children now have a fantastic father who has learnt a very valuable lesson and what is really important in life before it is too late. I think they have also seen that having compassion and being able to forgive is not an easy option but that it is worth it sometimes.

Have faith you know that you are a good person and not a fool for having the courage to try everything in your power to save your marriage not only for your sake but for your children too.

Lets all hope he comes to his senses before he loses it all.

Hi Layla, I can't believe he went to that Christmas party. If he ever had the opportunity to show he was sincere about mending your relationship it was that, and he's blown it.

Your DP isn't a nice man, he's a manipulative, controlling, selfish git. Despite all his protestations of how unhappy he is and how much he cares, he's busy torturing you and making you feel awful. I agree with Custardo that he's obviously enjoying having power over two women.

Do you really think he is worth fighting for? Do you really think a man who treats the mother of his children like this is someone worth keeping? If you do, I think maybe it's time to ask yourself why you put such a low value on yourself and the treatment you deserve.

Is his name on the house? You're saying that your salary pays for it. I missed that you aren't even married to him - again that speaks volumes about his level of commitment to you or rather lack of it. I think you should go and talk to a solicitor and see where you stand and what the mechanisms are for removing him from the house.

If he leaves you will cope. You've coped this far with his horrible behaviour and you deserve and easier and happier life than this.

HW - thanks for the positive response - you have shown that you can turn a terrible situation around. I hope I can.
Elizebett - thanks for being practical. We own the house jointly - we have a lot of equity in it which is good. We only moved in September. The old house we had was bought using 50k of my money from my first house so I had a trust set up so that I would get that back if we sold. When we bought this one I didn't bother as we had just got engaged (long story as to why we had not before but it was not a lack of commitment from him) we have been together 9 years and had 2 young children. He had also done a lot of work on the house which I thought should be recognised as that had increased the value a lot. The thought of us splitting up did not cross my mind!! How stupid!! He has promised that if we sell he will honour the old agreement so I will get my initial contribution back so I have drawn up an agreement for him to sign and will present it at the right moment before a 3rd party gets involved.
My income is more than twice his so I pay the mortgage and bills etc and he pays for holidays and going out. This has always worked well. What it means is that when he goes I can run the house but not do a lot else. He has promised to give me half the running costs but legally all he has to pay is half the mortgage and child maintenance. The other sad thing is that I am a divorce lawyer so I deal with this sort of thing every day.!!! Going to work is hard at the moment.
He has just come home from work and is being as nice as pie. Mixed messages again!

layla

I am going to cat you if you dont mind - some things you have said have made me think and i want to ask you some things in private i hope you dont mind.

I have just tried to cat you but if you want me to you will need to change your options.

I know it is scary but i wont get to know your email address until you get my message.

If you would rather you can try to cat me and i will give you lots of details so you can check me out.

HW - I have changed my settings so that I can receive emails now. Thanks for your support.

Hi layla will try and cat you now

Can anyone advise me on what to do - sorry if this is long.
We went to Relate last wednesday and he basically admitted to the counsellor that he had feelings for the OW but that they would never get together. He said that he knew it was wrong and he felt terrible but he did not know how to stop his feelings for her. He knows how much it hurt me and is ashamed of himself.
He said that when the Sh*t hit the fan on Sunday he was strangely relieved that it was out in the open and that a decision had finally been made even though he was devastaed when I left and over the moon when we came back. He is now back to all the confusion - and he still doesn't know what he wants.
The week has gone really well - we have got on well and done things together and anyone looking in would not think there was anything wrong. We are back to sharing a room.
tHis weekend we went to the seaside with the girls and it was great.
He has now gone away with work till Friday and when we spooke last night he said that he loves spending time with me, he loves me and he is happy when he is with me but he still has days when he wants to leave and be on his own. He cannot give me any guaratees for the future.
So here I am trying to hold down a full time job, run the house, bring up 2 kids (one with health isues) and not have a break down in the process while he decides what he wants.
I don't think he is being fair but what can I do - I love him. Should I stick with it?

Oh layla

I am compiling an email to send you and was wondering how you are.

It seems he still does not really 'get' it and that may take some time too.

He sounds as if he is saying all the right things and is hoping that will be enough. Only you can say when it is enough.

I know you mentioned the other woman is very religious - could you contact her and ask her togive him some space?

It does still sound as if he is being too weak to make the final decision himself and with you both 'hanging on in there' he does not have to.

Having said that though I know I probably felt like you in that you want it to be normal again and it still isnt yet.

Try and stay strong this week and do things to make you feel good.

Hi HW - He told me that the OW has said to him that they cannot be together and that she wants him to work things out with me but then every so often she has a weak moment and texts him telling him she wants him - I can see how this can confuse him and I think she is playing a blinder. He has said that they are so very different that they could not have a future but he finds it flattering and cannot get his feelings for her out of his head and is very ashamed.
I would love to email her - I have her address - but I know she would tell him and I think he would be angry if I did that.
She put a letter through our door over the weekend with a church handout in it talking about seizing the moment and grasping happiness when it appears. It says that it is better to move on and be happy than stand still and pretend to be happy!!! If that isn't telling him to leave me I don't know what is!! I took it off him and put it straight in the bin! I told him that he had to stop all contact and if she was a true friend she would respect that. He has promised that if she texts him he will ignore it and will tell me but I don't know if I can trust him.

I suprised myself!! I just want to be the one that keeps their self respect. Stay or go I want him to look back and think that I treated him well and am a better person than both of them.
I am going to wait till next weekend, see if he admites to her contacting him and then suggest that we jointly text her asking her to leave us alone while we sort this out. Do you think that sounds fair? At least then we can give it a go and if we do not make it at least we can be sure that it was not because of someone else.

oh layla

She really is playing a cool game. the ow in my case actually told h that she had not left her h for him and that he should stay married to me. She also offered to back off as she did not want to be the one to split our family up. Women like that make me sick.

I am so proud of you - you do have dignity and one day your h will see that and hopefully be so very proud of you.

Do be cautious though as i still dont think he is telling you all the truth. Please dont be afraid of contacting her email is good at least it will show her that you mean business and if your h does not like it that is his problem.

How about threatning to go to the church and cause a scence? She has/is ruining your life and so has to face up to the consequences of her actions of continuing to text him.

I am currently torturing myself about what he is doing while he is away. I am imagining that she is with him - although I know this is not the case - or that they are constantly texting and phoning while I am not there.
His mobile bill has just arrived and I have opened it - it is not itemised but does show a text to her when he was in the Isle of Man - that was a week before Xmas - don't know whether to be mad or not - bearing in mind he only confessed last week to the fact that he had been in contact with her before xmas so I suppose that one is covered. He has promised to have no contact from now on.
He has also asked me to arrange for his dad to come to stay on Thursday to help me while he is away and to help over the weekend so we can do a bit of decorating and go out just to 2 of us and his dad can help again next week while he is away. He normally doesn't want his dad near the place - part of me thinks that is a good idea and the paranoid part of me thinks he is gettijng his dad here to help him pack and get out.
I am going mad and my family are now telling me to get him out and get on with my life which I don't want to do. That means I have no one to talk to except you guys.

Sorry but I have got to get this off my chest.

OH is away with work and promised not to contact OW ("we are just good friends"!!) while away.
today DD2 (aged 1) is going into hospital for some kidney tests - he cannot handle this - neither can I but I have to.
I texted him this morning to say I was feeling low and needed his support today. I asked him to re assure me that he was not in touch with OW. He replied saying that he was scared too but that i should not put our problems and DD2 in the same context - doesn't sound like something he would say so alarm bells started ringing.
I said I was not and that I just needed him today of all days (especially as we are supposed to be trying to sort things out). He replied saying he will give me all the suppprt I need - no mention of contact with OW.
I replied asgain saying 'what about re assurance about contact with her - please give me that - I need to know that there is no 3rd party getting in the way of us sorting things out' 3 hous later he replied saying 'there is no contact'

I just cannot trust him - I don't know what he is up to while he is away. I have even driven past their workplace to check her car is there becuase it crossed my mind that she might have gone away with him - it was! Is this normal - can you get the trust back. what should I do? It just goes from bad to worse.
Going to hospital now - any advice would be great.