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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I invite DH? Quick responses please

106 replies

alltheprettythings · 02/12/2021 15:07

I have an Christmas eve party this weekend with a group from a hobby I do. Members only so DH not invited.
He has been a bit weird about me going - said things like "dont look too lovely on Saturday night" wish you weren't going out" and questioning why I am getting a taxi with others/not driving when I don't drink a lot. I feel a bit suffocated and controlled (or trying to).Due to cancellations a couple of tickets have become available and open to partners. Do I invite him? We don't go out enough so in some ways this would be nice. However he won't know anyone ( so I will feel I can't leave him) I don't want to subliminally encourage his attitude towards me going out without him, and he will want to leave earlier than I want to ( he has work the next day) writing this I'm not feeling i want him to come but feel bad about it.

OP posts:
Momijin · 02/12/2021 21:28

Only invite him if you would like him with you. And reassess your relationship

Pascal80 · 02/12/2021 21:33

It doesn't sound as though you like your husband. You have bigger problems than whether to invite him to a party.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 02/12/2021 21:34

No, don’t invite him. This is not your special night out together it is YOUR night with your friends for you to enjoy, not to babysit him. Have another day out together but not this.

Pallisers · 02/12/2021 22:25

@Pascal80

It doesn't sound as though you like your husband. You have bigger problems than whether to invite him to a party.
where did you get that from? Nothing she posted indicated she doesn't like him. She was a bit concerned about his comments on her going out but that is that. It is perfectly possible to want to go out somewhere on your own without your husband and still like him you know.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 22:31

He has been a bit weird about me going - said things like "dont look too lovely on Saturday night" wish you weren't going out" and questioning why I am getting a taxi with others/not driving when I don't drink a lot. I feel a bit suffocated and controlled (or trying to).

Is this normal for him? I only ask as it's absolutely not healthy behaviour but you don't seem that surprised by it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/12/2021 22:32

@Pascal80

It doesn't sound as though you like your husband. You have bigger problems than whether to invite him to a party.
I wouldn't be that keen on mine if he turned into a creepy, controlling, jealous type, either.
Nowomenaroundeh · 02/12/2021 22:33

No way. You don't want him to go. If he ever finds out there were tickets say you fancied going out on your own. And frankly, I would go out on my own more often.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 22:34

@Pascal80

It doesn't sound as though you like your husband. You have bigger problems than whether to invite him to a party.
I don't like controlling people who tell me not to look 'too' nice either. Because I don't appreciate being spoken to as if someone else is my master.
Etinoxaurus · 02/12/2021 22:36

No.
Why don’t you go out together as a rule?

Original poster
alltheprettythings · 02/12/2021 23:45

Sorry for confusion - predictive text put in Christmas eve - it is this weekend, hence requests for quick responses. Been together a long time with nearly grown up kids. We have done lots of things apart including hobby holidays. He would say if asked that he likes that we do different things but his behaviour does not match this. He has suffered from years of depression which was one of the reasons we don't go out much - the other being I am sick of organising everything from dates, family stuff holidays etc, and will no longer organise stuff for just us 2 if he doesn't put in equal effort. Ironically he would say his mental health is better than it has been for years now, but he has become much more controlling/love bombing/clingy over the last 5 years or so (although I can see behaviour patterns before - perhaps I was just at home more when the kids were small), He seems to be really jealous of me doing anything for myself/with others (again would verbally disagree but actions don't match words). Even if I am going out with one of the kids (I have always taken them out individually for 1 on 1 time - have always encouraged him to do the same but he never has but gets really narky when I do as I am "leaving him out". Things can be very good between us - hence why I had the dilemma but he has been really weird about this weekend and it has me walking on eggshells. For the record - I am going to go by myself and intend to have a fab time!

OP posts:
nocnoc · 03/12/2021 00:17

Good for you! Have a great time. Keep your friends. Get more hobbies! Enjoy your life. He needs to sort himself out. You can’t do it for him

Aphrodite31 · 03/12/2021 00:21

I think you should invite him. Why not? Let him see what he's worried about is nothing.

me4real · 03/12/2021 00:35

For the record - I am going to go by myself and intend to have a fab time!

Yay! Have a fun time and enjoy the breather.

I would suggest separating from him as he is manipulative, needy and suffocating. Not going to be someone's psychiatric nurse long term if I'm not even getting paid for it.

Grimsknee · 03/12/2021 00:52

Sounds like you've decided, but just to reinforce - you should go on your own because it sounds like that's what you want to do.

If he's got an issue with wanting to do things together, you could tell him it's his turn to organise a date for you both, or a family activity, and if he can't get his act together enough to do that, he needs to see a therapist about his inaction and dependency!

Have an awesome time anyway!

Justilou1 · 03/12/2021 00:55

God no! Go out and have fun!!!

timeisnotaline · 03/12/2021 01:27

Glad you are not inviting him! You’d only be inviting him to satisfy his controlling jealousy and that is a terrible reason. He doesn’t want to go, he doesn’t want to meet your friends/fellow hobbyists, he doesn’t want to go and have fun with you, he just wants to be able to monitor your behaviour with others. Nopity nope nope.

Everything101 · 03/12/2021 02:23

This sounds a bit like the thread about wife and Steve, I could be wrong of course.

GertietheGherkin · 03/12/2021 02:57

Goodness he sounds like a strict, Father talking to a child!

"Don't look too lovely" is very much on par with "You're not going out looking like/or wearing that"

"Why are you not driving, but getting a taxi" very much on par with "How are you/ when are you getting home?"

The "I wish you weren't going out" on par with "I think you should be staying home, as I'm not sure I'll be letting you go out"

He sounds very controlling and very clingy. I'd be glad of a night out, and to enjoy the company of friends with shared hobbies/interests without him hanging around keeping tabs on you all the time.

Have a lovely time!

SD1978 · 03/12/2021 03:09

Nope. I wouldn't. Given the amount of passive aggressive non subtle hinting and out downs, and an event he k owns nobody at, I would be going and enjoying yourself on your own.

me4real · 03/12/2021 12:08

This sounds a bit like the thread about wife and Steve, I could be wrong of course.

@Everything101 They both mention a hobby, but the Steve thread is about a particular bloke that the husband has concerns about (and seemingly rightly so.)

This post is about a woman thinking of going to a group Xmas party and the husband being clingy, manipulative etc.

layladomino · 03/12/2021 13:33

Right decision, IMO.

You said you wouldn't enjoy it as much if he was there as he doesn't know anyone (so you'd no doubt be on edge ensuring he was OK) and you would have to leave earlier because of his work.

Combine that with his lack of trust issues, I think you need to go on your own.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/12/2021 13:40

Good for you. Let him sulk, ignore it and have a great time.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2021 13:56

@nocnoc

Good for you! Have a great time. Keep your friends. Get more hobbies! Enjoy your life. He needs to sort himself out. You can’t do it for him
Pander to him?

Nope.

reader12 · 04/12/2021 00:54

Don’t invite him, he’d ruin the evening for you. What would be the point?

Kdubs1981 · 04/12/2021 08:36

Nope!