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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken abuse, does it mean anything?

82 replies

Anon0707 · 02/12/2021 08:58

I personally see alcohol as a truth serum although I know there is a lot of research that says the opposite so I’m just wondering your thoughts.
Been with dp for 4 years. He’s always been a heavy drinker however stopped drinking around me over a year ago due to how drastically his personality changes.
We don’t live together so when he is at his home he still drinks, I will only need to say something that he disagrees with for him to then get drunk and verbally abuse me through text.
In general I’m told that I’m ugly, that I let my dc’s get away with murder, I’m a ct, he doesn’t sleep with me because he doesn’t fancy me etc etc
This happens literally every time he drinks to excess and he’s in a bad mood
A few days ago he did this again, he sent me a photo saying look at how ugly you are and that I was a ct.
I have subsequently blocked his number, I knew he would continue drinking over the following days so I’d just be subjected to yet more abuse until he was back in work and sober.
Im now waiting for the no caller ID to pop up on my phone and a ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t mean any of it, I was drunk and upset’ voicemail.
He swears blind he doesn’t mean anything he says when he’s drunk, that I should just ignore him.
IMO that’s a really good excuse to be an abuser but take no accountability for your actions
Just wondering what everyone else’s thoughts are.
I’ve had 4 years of this crap and it’s worn me out now.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 02/12/2021 08:59

My thoughts are you deserve better than this twat

Bun14 · 02/12/2021 09:00

You deserve so much better. If he's done this for this long, he's never going to change. Leave and be happy.

thisplaceisweird · 02/12/2021 09:02

Drunken abuse, does it mean anything?

Yes it means he's not a nice person and you deserve better.

None of my previous partners or friends, or anyone I bother to spend time with have been abusive to me when drunk. You don't need to put up with it.

purpleme12 · 02/12/2021 09:02

Well regardless of whether he's telling the truth or not
It's something you should never put up with!
Especially when it doesn't seem to be stopping!
I don't see how you can stay with him with this!

layladomino · 02/12/2021 09:04

He sounds vile. Please leave him blocked.

Even if he just talks rubbish when drunk, then if he was a decent person he would stop getting drunk. He knows that if he gets drunk he'll be vile and abusive to you, but yet he still does it.

So no, there are no circumstances under which his actions are OK.

And anyway, I think being drunk loosens people up to speak their mind a but more. So they might become more angry or more lovey dovey, but they don't tend to change character completely. Those words he's using come from his own head. They are in there, waiting to come out when he's drunk. And they are vile words, that show a complete lack of respect or love.

And how can you ignore what he's saying? Drunk or not, the man who is meant to be your partner, your biggest supporter, your love, is telling you you're ugly, a c*nt, criticising your parenting - how can you just ignore that?

His beahviour us unacceptable. There is no acceptable reason for what he's doing. Please keep him blocked.

Didimum · 02/12/2021 09:05

Honestly I think he has two options: 1) quit drinking entirely and therapy or 2) you leave him. Have better standards for yourself Flowers

Whatabambam · 02/12/2021 09:06

Agreed, you can do better than this excuse for a man. Your self esteem must be through the floor listening to his tirades. He's an alcoholic. Would you want to see someone you love suffer this? I think you deserve happiness in the same way that you would want it for a friend.

Dragongirl10 · 02/12/2021 09:06

I'd have left the first time he said any of those things to me....l am very surprised you haven't.

Name99 · 02/12/2021 09:07

His behaviour is disgusting.
It sounds like he has a drinking problem, to sit drinking alone and get into that state is unacceptable.
Alcoholic or not, keep him blocked

ErickBroch · 02/12/2021 09:07

I don't think it's about him thinking those things as the 'truth', it's that he is a nasty man who is saying whatever he can to hurt you. That is what he is doing when drunk. Why did you put up with this past the first time? Leave him! x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2021 09:08

You’ve already had 4 years of this, do not put yourself through another 4 years of same.

Rebuild your life without him in it.

LoveComesQuickly · 02/12/2021 09:08

There is no way I'd stay with someone who did this to me more than once, let alone regularly! You don't have to put up with this OP.

It doesn't really matter if he 'means it' or not. The point is that it's a horrible thing to do and makes you feel like shit.

Idontevenknow · 02/12/2021 09:09

Do you really want to live the rest of your life like that? That is not normal behaviour, drunk or not. You do deserve respect.

Wolfiefan · 02/12/2021 09:11

It means abuse.
He clearly has an alcohol problem. But instead of quitting he expects you to put up with his shit and forgive him. He needs to be an ex.

HailAdrian · 02/12/2021 09:12

I have definitely said things I don't mean while I've been intoxicated, nasty things intended to hurt people rather than true feelings. It's always been during arguments though and I'll readily admit I've had (still have) a problematic relationship with alcohol which is why I try to steer well clear of it. Life's too short to tolerate this, OP. Flowers

HarrisonStickle · 02/12/2021 09:13

Why are your standards so low that you'd put up with this for four years instead of dumping him the first time it happened?

Keep him blocked and consider what you can do to work on yourself so that you stop accepting this shitty behaviour from partners and anyone else in your life.

Did you grow up in an environment where awful behaviour from adults was the norm?

FetchezLaVache · 02/12/2021 09:13

IMO that’s a really good excuse to be an abuser but take no accountability for your actions

100% this. Throw this one back, OP.

Flippanty · 02/12/2021 09:14

My thoughts are that it is, in fact, him who’s the cunt and you should leave yesterday. You don’t need to put up with his abusive tirades. It doesn’t matter if he’s drunk, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, you don’t need to subject yourself to it! You and your dc deserve better.

AnyFucker · 02/12/2021 09:14

Don’t make it 4 years+ one more day

He is abusive. End of. What on earth happened to you for you tolerate 4 years of this ?

girlmom21 · 02/12/2021 09:15

It means he's a massive arsehole and you should never communicate with him again.

If he can't control himself when he's had a drink that's his problem and he needs to get help with that. You're not his verbal punchbag.

TokyoSushi · 02/12/2021 09:15

Good grief, do not put up with this a minute longer, honestly.

bibop · 02/12/2021 09:22

Sorry but my experience of alcohol is that it makes people blurt out the truth. It doesn't mean you're what he says you are. It means he is an utter bastard who says those types of thing. He is showing you who he is and you should take notice.

What he has said to you is vile. This is supposed to be a LOVE relationship. There is nothing loving in what he is doing to you.

wavingwhilstdrowning · 02/12/2021 09:24

What an absolutely horrible man. You deserve better than this.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/12/2021 09:26

You need to get rid of him, no it's not normal behaviour - he has issues.

Bananalanacake · 02/12/2021 09:37

It's good he doesn't live with you, keep it that way.