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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken abuse, does it mean anything?

82 replies

Anon0707 · 02/12/2021 08:58

I personally see alcohol as a truth serum although I know there is a lot of research that says the opposite so I’m just wondering your thoughts.
Been with dp for 4 years. He’s always been a heavy drinker however stopped drinking around me over a year ago due to how drastically his personality changes.
We don’t live together so when he is at his home he still drinks, I will only need to say something that he disagrees with for him to then get drunk and verbally abuse me through text.
In general I’m told that I’m ugly, that I let my dc’s get away with murder, I’m a ct, he doesn’t sleep with me because he doesn’t fancy me etc etc
This happens literally every time he drinks to excess and he’s in a bad mood
A few days ago he did this again, he sent me a photo saying look at how ugly you are and that I was a ct.
I have subsequently blocked his number, I knew he would continue drinking over the following days so I’d just be subjected to yet more abuse until he was back in work and sober.
Im now waiting for the no caller ID to pop up on my phone and a ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t mean any of it, I was drunk and upset’ voicemail.
He swears blind he doesn’t mean anything he says when he’s drunk, that I should just ignore him.
IMO that’s a really good excuse to be an abuser but take no accountability for your actions
Just wondering what everyone else’s thoughts are.
I’ve had 4 years of this crap and it’s worn me out now.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 02/12/2021 09:44

He sent you a photograph of yourself and stated you were an ugly cunt?? That's vile, drunk or not. Why do you tolerate this?

HollowTalk · 02/12/2021 09:46

Why would you want this abusive, drunken man in your life? Count yourself lucky he's not living with you - he'd be a bastard to get out of the house. In your next relationship, end it the very first time he calls you a name like that.

TheFoundations · 02/12/2021 09:46

This is a bit like sitting on your sofa whilst your house burns down around you, and posting to ask if we think the flames are 10ft tall or 11ft.

Stop bothering about details. The whys and wherefores don't matter. You need to get out.

SprayedWithDettol · 02/12/2021 09:48

Decent people don’t behave like that when drunk.

Cailleach · 02/12/2021 09:52

In vino veritas, and all that.all

Get rid - and whilst you're at it, massively raise your expectations of the behaviour of others towards you.

Original poster
Anon0707 · 02/12/2021 09:53

Thankyou all for your replies.
In regards to why I’ve put up with it. I think he has put me down that often I’ve started to believe I’m not worthy. I used to be a really happy, outgoing person. I don’t even recognise myself anymore.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother who still tries to control everyone’s life, spouting lies and hatred.
I cut ties with her about a year ago. So yes I suppose dealing with abusive words is the norm for me.
I will keep him blocked the only problem is that we have a dc together. I think contact now needs to be done through his family because I honestly can’t take anymore off his abuse. Drunk or not.
Saddest thing is that when he’s not drinking he couldn’t be any further away from this vile abusive man.
I can’t see him ever giving it up though so it is what it is now xx

OP posts:
1987qwerty · 02/12/2021 09:53

Seriously? You need to ask?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2021 10:00

Glad to read that you've cut contact with your mother.

What are his family like though?. If they are not emotionally healthy either then I would consider using a contact centre going forward.

TheFoundations · 02/12/2021 10:03

In regards to why I’ve put up with it. I think he has put me down that often I’ve started to believe I’m not worthy. I used to be a really happy, outgoing person. I don’t even recognise myself anymore

The fact that he's wrecking you is evidence of how bad this relationship is to you; how disrespectful he's being; how much he's trampling your boundaries.

Follow your feelings. They are valuable signposts that lead to happiness. In this and all other situations, if somebody makes you feel shit, distance yourself from them. If being around somebody feels good, keep spending time with them. That's all the boundaries you need, and all you need to know to prevent further abusive relationships in your life. Don't question yourself; don't question your feelings: you feel what you feel, and that's that, just like not liking brussels sprouts or loving chocolate. You can question it all you like, but you are what you are and you have to respect that.

Don't question your feelings; question the company you keep. Leave people behind when necessary. Right or wrong doesn't matter. When you get to the end, do you want to be saying 'I was almost always right', or 'I was almost always happy'?

FusionChefGeoff · 02/12/2021 10:06

He needs to go to AA and you need to leave him. What a horrible dynamic - it's not normal and you deserve so much more than this.

femfemlicious · 02/12/2021 10:09

Please love yourself enough to dump this man. No one deserves to be called names. There is absolutely no excuse for this

KittenCatcher · 02/12/2021 10:10

You need to protect yourself and DC from this man, he continues to drink, he is verbally abusive, you cannot put your DC at risk, he will shout and swear and not be fit to care for DC if he has access.

Original poster
Anon0707 · 02/12/2021 11:12

His family are actually really lovely and they adore ds. His dad in particular is very much anti his behaviour, hates the drinking and has made that clear to him but unfortunately he is abusive to his dad too when he’s drunk so I actually think his dad is scared of him to an extent.
Let’s be honest he’s abusive with everyone when he’s drunk.
He’s got a serious alcohol problem and I hope he can sort it for the sake of his son xx

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 02/12/2021 11:19

To be honest, if he was that much of a lovely man, he'd had ve stopped drinking any alcohol years ago so as not to put the people he lives through that. The fact he continues drinking despite knowing his behaviour negates any sort of plus points he may have.

Leave him, protect your child although that doesn't mean withdraw them from the father without reason, and good luck

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 11:22

@baileys6904

To be honest, if he was that much of a lovely man, he'd had ve stopped drinking any alcohol years ago so as not to put the people he lives through that. The fact he continues drinking despite knowing his behaviour negates any sort of plus points he may have.

Leave him, protect your child although that doesn't mean withdraw them from the father without reason, and good luck

Absolutely this.

He isn't sorry enough to have stopped drinking.

The things he says are vile. Absolutely vile.

Wnikat · 02/12/2021 11:23

Why on earth would he be with someone who talks to you like that?

purpleme12 · 02/12/2021 11:30

I know someone like this (no close relation like OP though)
In my experience I really think people kind of put it to one side if it mostly comes out when they're drinking or if they've drink lots in general and they kind of compartmentalize it and say ah it's the alcohol he's so nice generally. They must do. I don't but they must do.
I also think if the person doesn't do this directly to them but they just hear about them doing it to other people then they'll carry on being fine with that person whereas I wouldn't want to socialise with anyone like that

nitsandwormsdodger · 02/12/2021 11:37

If you don’t protect your child from this he will grow up doing the same
He should have been dumped the very first time he spoke to you like that , there are no excuses. Dumping him may be the wake up call he needs to get help , it may not , get help for yourself as clearly your self worth is broken

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/12/2021 12:05

Drunken abuse - does it mean anything?

Yes it does mean something, it means he's an abusive twat with a drink problem

Give yourself the best Christmas present, and tell him to 'do one'

girlmom21 · 02/12/2021 12:05

Let’s be honest he’s abusive with everyone when he’s drunk.

Keep him away from your child until he gets help

GentlemanJayFab · 02/12/2021 12:40

I would have walked the first time he did this.

FOJN · 02/12/2021 13:19

He's an alcoholic. Being sorry after being so vile means nothing when someone keeps repeating the behaviour. You cannot change him or fix this, he must want to do this for himself. You and your child deserve a life free from abuse.

Do not make excuses for him in order to justify facilitating an ongoing relationship with his child, if he cares enough he will deal with his drink problem and sensibly negotiate contact arrangements. Your child deserves better than contact with an abusive alcoholic, their safety must be your priority.

Minimise contact with him to give yourself time and space to rebuild your confidence and self esteem.

Flippanty · 02/12/2021 15:49

OP, is the drinking the reason you don’t live together even though you share a child?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/12/2021 17:27

If you continue to be in a relationship with him then you're giving him the green light to at some point transfer this abusive behaviour to your child.

Children of alcoholics suffer hugely. They almost always become the object of their parent's alcohol fuelled hatefulness at some point.

You need to put emotional distance between you and him so that you can shield your child as much as possible now and in the future.

Staying in a relationship with him is enabling him to abuse you and will enable him to also abuse your son. You both deserve better.

Allsortsofroses · 02/12/2021 23:12

Let’s be honest he’s abusive with everyone when he’s drunk.
He’s got a serious alcohol problem and I hope he can sort it for the sake of his son

I always wonder how something comes put of someone, that isn't in there in the first place.

It's got to be in there, they're just good at hiding it sober.

Anyway, for someone to know that they a so severely abusive, offensive, hurtful etc to their "loved ones" with drinking, but not stop drinking or be making huge effort to stop, says it all.

He enjoys drinking, being drunk, and he enjoys abusing people when he's drunk.

I'd also be interested to know how he would resct if you or someone else close to him repeatedly got drunk and in person or by text called him ugly, a cunt, a bastard, a loser, a fkg mess etc etc and then afterward said "oh, I'm soooorry, I was just so drunk, it was the drink" etc.

What do you think his reaction would be?