Drunken abuse, does it mean anything?

[Anon0707]

I personally see alcohol as a truth serum although I know there is a lot of research that says the opposite so I’m just wondering your thoughts.
Been with dp for 4 years. He’s always been a heavy drinker however stopped drinking around me over a year ago due to how drastically his personality changes.
We don’t live together so when he is at his home he still drinks, I will only need to say something that he disagrees with for him to then get drunk and verbally abuse me through text.
In general I’m told that I’m ugly, that I let my dc’s get away with murder, I’m a ct, he doesn’t sleep with me because he doesn’t fancy me etc etc
This happens literally every time he drinks to excess and he’s in a bad mood
A few days ago he did this again, he sent me a photo saying look at how ugly you are and that I was a ct.
I have subsequently blocked his number, I knew he would continue drinking over the following days so I’d just be subjected to yet more abuse until he was back in work and sober.
Im now waiting for the no caller ID to pop up on my phone and a ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t mean any of it, I was drunk and upset’ voicemail.
He swears blind he doesn’t mean anything he says when he’s drunk, that I should just ignore him.
IMO that’s a really good excuse to be an abuser but take no accountability for your actions
Just wondering what everyone else’s thoughts are.
I’ve had 4 years of this crap and it’s worn me out now.

Why on earth would you tolerate that behaviour at all? You need to work on yourself ONLY and walk away from this evil addicted shit. Come on now.

This is what is meant by "mean drunk".

He has shown you his true self and thoughts -alcohol liberates them.But really, it hardly matters whether drink causes his viciousness or not. The point is, he goes out of his way to hurt you. How many years of this can you stand? Don't play his game and enable him.

It means he feels free to carry on treating you like shit them blaming it on the booze.

He sounds like an alcoholic.

He's vile. Why would you stay with him for even a second more?

Thank God you don't live with him.

Dump, block, breathe a sigh of relief and move on. You might also want to do the Freedom Programme so you can spots the signs of an abuser in future and raise your boundaries.

Wow, what a deeply unpleasant man! I'm sorry he's treated you so poorly. Keep him blocked!

All alcohol does is remove inhibitions. Out gushes all the stuff they really think deep down, but wouldn't normally say out loud.

Dump him asap.

I think it doesnt matter whether he means it or not. You having to hear it at all is unacceptable. Just dump him.

I wouldn't put up with this happening once, let alone multiple times. Plenty of men can have a few drinks and still be perfectly decent human beings, this bloke clearly can't.

You deserve better than this. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse, and there is no excuse for it.

Have your children any dealings with him? Hopefully not.

Hes already hurt you on purpose. If he loved, respected and cared about you. he wouldn't treat you like that. Cruel words INTENDED to hurt, shame, belittle, insult. Of course it means something ; it means he has no boundaries and you're his punchbag.

I bet he's already told you it's your fault, YOU went too far, you shouldn't wind him up, provoke him.

One day, he will go further; punching or slapping, shove you on the ground and kick your ribs. Beat you black and blue.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, I was drunk so it doesn't mean anything."

the only problem is that we have a dc together

ONLY? what effect do you think it will have on that child to witness repeated abuse like this? If she 's a girl, Daddy is teaching her that when she grows up , this is what to expect from the man she loves. If it's a son, Daddy is his beloved role model; showing him how men behave, that its okay to abuse women. What women should put up with for "love".

     You are not the ONLY person at risk.  You're responsible for letting your child be exposed to that.

He really needs to stop drinking, it isn't "truth serum" for him it's vile pig serum - Also I wouldn't be able to forgive that drunk or not

you are bringing this man around children! get rid of him it's very unfair on them

Less about truth-
More about: you don’t stop being yourself when you are drunk, you just stop hiding.
So people become more like themselves when they are drunk! Even if they aren’t exactly telling the truth

Thanks for the messages, really helped for me to put things into perspective.
We are now over. What will happen with our ds is yet to be seen but I’m going to suggest that he can only see his son supervised from now on until he seeks help for his addiction.
We don’t live together because he chooses drink over his son, he can’t handle the sleepless nights and probably just can’t handle responsibility in general.
To throw a spanner into the works I also found out I was pregnant again, I was 8+5 weeks today according to my dates. Found out a couple of weeks ago as I am/was on the mini pill.
Today I went for a private scan and found out baby’s heart had stopped maybe a few days ago and looks like I’ll need a d&c due to sac still being normal etc
His response, well I wouldn’t have wanted it anyway.
As if the nail wasn’t already firmly in the coffin.
I feel relief from him being gone with a mix of grief for the loss of my ds’s brother or sister

I am sorry about the loss of your baby.

So sorry for your loss OP. Please take care of yourself and keep away from this awful man.

He is not going to sort out his alcohol problem for the sake of his son.

He is not going to sort out his alcohol problem for anyone, including you.

His primary relationship is with alcohol. You and his son and his parents come a very distant second.

End this relationship. Tell him if he wants co tract with his son he will have to take you to family court and get an order.

Allow the GPs to keep up the relationship

But all of you need to start modeling better responses to the toxic person in your lives, the alcoholic.

You all need to join Al Anon for Families. I can't link because I'm on my phone. There's information online and I really urge all of you to start relearning your responses to abuse.

You need therapy too.
You need to firmly believe that you didn't cause the problem, you can't control it, nor can you cure it - and you need to wash your hands of it.

Ditch the toxic optimism that has robbed you of four years of your precious life. This toxic optimism (aka pride) is the lingering legacy from your childhood. You have to face it and become very conscious for the rest of your life of where it tries to lead you.

I highly recommend a series of YouTube videos by an Australian therapist - Vital Mind is the YouTube name iirc. In particular, look at his Empath videos. I'll post one later when I'm home from work.

Sorry to hear of your loss.
🙁

So sorry OP it’s the most horrible thing to go through and a time where you especially need a supportive partner. He’s shown you his true colours, good on you for kicking him to the kerb, you deserve so much better than that!

Thankyou need to just get through this now and then concentrate on regaining a happy future
There won’t be any future relationships. I don’t trust men anymore and I can’t risk any more toxicity around my children xx

That is great advice from mathanxiety

Your last sentence says it's all. Walk away from him. What a arsehole. You deserve better

I'd have dumped him the first time he called me ugly whether he was drunk or not!! The way he treats you is shocking and you must have low self esteem to want stay with him (or even consider it). There are much better men out there!! Nobody deserves to be treated like that.