Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband suddenly going silent - anyone else?

97 replies

ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 02/12/2021 07:49

When my Dh goes through a busy patch at work - and I’m assuming that is what it is - he barely speaks to me or the kids. He isn’t unkind or unpleasant, just smiles vaguely and taps away on his laptop (he is working, I can see this) and I feel like I’m parenting alone.

Anyone else? It does get to me a bit.

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 02/12/2021 07:50

I can see why it bothers you but it also sounds like he’s quite stressed/busy/having to do really long hours. I think it’s quite normal to go a bit quiet when stressed out.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/12/2021 07:53

My Dzh can do this a bit. I've is an overachiever and can be a bit anxious.

I try to take him out of himself and help him "tap into fun". I also do things to help him to show him I care.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/12/2021 07:53

What typos, sorry Blush

GeodesicDome · 02/12/2021 07:55

Is this during his working hours? He can't be parenting and working at the same time Confused

Original poster
ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 02/12/2021 07:55

Hmm but if you’re working that’s going to be a bit annoying, surely @Totalwasteofpaper (I mean me not you, I’m sure you’re not annoying!)

It is a bit irritating as it just assumes the parental load falls on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 02/12/2021 07:56

Of course not, @GeodesicDome.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 02/12/2021 07:56

I'm an artist and when I'm working I too become pretty unavailable- the only thing on my mind is the complexities of the thing I'm working on, that's all I want to talk about. Luckily for me my other half always understood the creative process being a creative herself, so it worked. Once the project is over I'm back to contributing fully to normal life.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 02/12/2021 07:56

I think I do that tooConfused

layladomino · 02/12/2021 07:57

It really depends on context. If this is during 'working hours' then of course he's concentrating on his work. I'd be really irritated if my family were trying to get me in conversations when I was working.

If he's so busy at work that he's having to work extra hours, then of course he's quiet, and concentrating. The sooner he gets done, the sooner he can clock off and relax / do family stuff.

If you mean that he goes quiet 24/7, even when not working, then it's hard to say why. Could be stress.

GeodesicDome · 02/12/2021 07:58

You say 'Of course not' like it's obvious. Have another read of your OP and you'll see that it wasn't at all.

Maybe he just finds you annoying?

PinkCheetah · 02/12/2021 07:58

Give and take. Sounds like he just really needs to focus on what he's doing. When he's done he can take on more childcare responsibilities and give you a break.

Original poster
ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 02/12/2021 08:00

I thought the mention of shared parenting made it obvious but if not, no, I’m not expecting him to care for children when he’s in ‘office hours.’

But ‘I’m so busy, do you mind doing bath and bed and night duties’ would be good.

People are saying oh I do that do … does that make it fair?

OP posts:
Nietzschethehiker · 02/12/2021 08:01

I will admit I can be a bit like this. At certain times of the month there are specific tasks that are central to my role and are very focus heavy. I will generally give a heads up that during working hours I am absolutely not here. If I get interrupted and its not an actuall emergency its how I will respond. Not because I'm being unpleasant but I can't break focus. If you are WFH it can be incredibly irritating to be disturbed even momentarily if it's not needed.

If its within relatively normal hours and in a busy period those could be a bit longer then honestly its not on to interrupt. Even for minor quick things. If he's working at 11pm in the living area then fair enough. I will admit I get annoyed when it's constant small chat for 5 minutes. It breaks my focus and really isn't needed. I don't want to be mean and tell people to go away but I will indicate with a smile and extremely limited response that I'm busy.

rrhuth · 02/12/2021 08:01

This is what I do when work gets very stressful, my DH used to hate it but now we all understand it better and it is managed more. I try really hard but when work gets too much it is hard to multi-task and I honestly don't have much to say.

Could you talk to him about his stress?

This has got worse for me because I used to leave the stress in the office but now of course I am WFH more and the office is here...

GoodnightGrandma · 02/12/2021 08:01

As long as it’s for short periods and work related.
Are all other things ok in the marriage ?
If you work too, is he doing his fair share of parenting/house work/cooking etc ?

Dozer · 02/12/2021 08:01

If he’s working extra hours (at home?) when he’d usually be parenting, it’d be considerate of him - if he respects your time - to agree this with you, in advance.

When he’s not working, it’s not on - beyond the odd occasion - to not engage with you/the DC.

RedHot22 · 02/12/2021 08:02

Yes.

In my experience, you need to gauge the situation and why. If he’s just busy then it should pass, on the other hand he may be worried or overly stressed so effectively ‘shuts down’. In this situation my DH needs support and bringing back into the family fold. The longer it goes on the harder this is.

Original poster
ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 02/12/2021 08:03

Well no, he isn’t doing his fair share, because he opts out without a word.

He’s barely spoken to me since Sunday. Maybe he does ‘find me annoying’ but I’m doing a hell of a lot.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/12/2021 08:04

Tell him you're annoyed.

My DP is busy with work at the moment but he'll communicate.
Communication is key.

Original poster
ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 02/12/2021 08:05

@GeodesicDome

You say 'Of course not' like it's obvious. Have another read of your OP and you'll see that it wasn't at all.

Maybe he just finds you annoying?

You know, this post really upset me.
OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 02/12/2021 08:06

How long has this been going on ?
Are you still intimate, do you socialise ?

Original poster
ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 02/12/2021 08:07

It generally lasts a few days. We don’t have much or a social life but that’s very young children.

OP posts:
RedHot22 · 02/12/2021 08:07

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn
I’m not surprised it upset you x

rrhuth · 02/12/2021 08:08

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

Well no, he isn’t doing his fair share, because he opts out without a word.

He’s barely spoken to me since Sunday. Maybe he does ‘find me annoying’ but I’m doing a hell of a lot.

What specifically does he opt out of?

e.g. If he usually does every other bedtime - what would happen if you said 'it is your turn to do bed tonight, remember' - would he blank you, or ask you to do it, or what?

Dozer · 02/12/2021 08:09

So he’s working extra hours for his job, at home, not doing his usual parenting / domestic work, and not asking you to cover this for him, just assuming that you will (which you’ve been doing, and feeling angry).

If so, that’s treating you badly. Especially (although not only) if you too have a paid job.

Speak to him!

Swipe left for the next trending thread