Page 4 | Husband suddenly going silent - anyone else?

ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 2021-12-02T07:49:40+00:00

When my Dh goes through a busy patch at work - and I’m assuming that is what it is - he barely speaks to me or the kids. He isn’t unkind or unpleasant, just smiles vaguely and taps away on his laptop (he is working, I can see this) and I feel like I’m parenting alone. Anyone else? It does get to me a bit.

Longwayfromhome21 · 04/12/2021 03:17

I understand OP it’s not the fact that he’s working late, it’s the fact that you’re the default parent and he doesn’t even have to consider who will take care of the kids because he knows you will do it. If you decided to work late you would need to make arrangements with him to step into kid duties. He can opt in and out of parenting but you cannot because you’ve not got a wife to rely on. It is unfair and you’re right to be annoyed.

NoSquirrels · 04/12/2021 03:40

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

I’m not trying to be hostile. I’ve never not accepted that he has work to do outside of work, but what is upsetting and frustrating is being ignored in favour of that work. In other words massive difference between ‘so sorry love it’s manic just now, can you sort the kids?’ and silence all evening while I sort the kids as I have to!

Have you expressed this exact sentiment to him?

Have you asked him to help?

I’ve read your posts but I can’t tell if you’ve tried to communicate your frustration to him, or if you’ve been soldiering on and getting annoyed he hasn’t noticed.

DeadoftheMoon · 04/12/2021 03:41

What is he for, OP? If you're a teacher and doing everything at home, including raising small children, why do you need the spare adult living alongside you who doesn't share the work or the emotional labour, and whose distant behaviour brings down your mood?

yellowpdfdocuments · 04/12/2021 10:56

OP my H is like this. Comes down stairs on Monday morning, when the kids are getting up and I'm rushing round doing the lunches etc, and just sits on his laptop/phone in his pants. Ditto most evenings.

Yes, it is 'work' but he has the kind of job where no extra work is required and so it is his choice, and he only does the bits with a massive ego reward.

As you can pick up from my tone it is one of many things that destroyed the relationship. I say destroyed as I don't think it's recoverable now and this always on the laptop stuff has been a part.

yellowpdfdocuments · 04/12/2021 10:58

I meant to say that I totally get how it feels contemptuous, to be in the midst of a family setting but ignoring everyone without an explanation.

Original poster

ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 04/12/2021 11:00

I’m so sorry to hear that @yellowpdfdocuments. I can quite see why, it’s very frustrating

The posters urging me to speak up are perhaps missing the point that communication is a two way thing. I could say ‘DH, please do this’ and he would. That’s not really what I’m concerned with. What is a bit hurtful is that the other end of that communication - him talking to me - is an optional extra.

I am still very interested to hear where I have been rude and have an unfortunate way of expressing myself by the way. That’s not meant passive aggressively. I genuinely don’t know if posters were just being unpleasant because, as sometimes does happen, or if I am a bigger problem than I think.

OP posts:

Samanabanana · 04/12/2021 11:05

OP you haven't been rude at all. Your frustration with your 'D'H is valid and I totally understand how difficult this must be to deal with. I would definitely sit down and speak with him about how this is making you feel. It would be a dealbreaker for me if after that conversation he didn't make any changes. It's not even the fact je has checked out of his responsibilities, it's the fact he's fine with you struggling to do it all!

yellowpdfdocuments · 04/12/2021 11:05

Well, re 'just speak to him' it all depends on whether he's accidentally lapsed into that and will be open to seeing how much it bothers you and is unfair, or whether he feels entitled to do that as a default and then will see it as a favour or something if you rouse him from it.

Asking someone to look up and listen or close their laptop just so you can try and engage them in your day is a bad feeling. I once came down at 11pm as I was upset about something and got told to be quiet by my H, who was still on his laptop.

Original poster

ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn · 04/12/2021 11:14

That’s the problem - he’s been a bit ‘spoilt’ as I did everything when on maternity leave and I think when the baby moved into own room he was surprised to discover that the baby woke at night: after the first six weeks or so he thought the baby slept through!

He has been better to be fair and he isn’t a bad man or an unkind husband. He would listen if I spoke to him about it. I just suppose I really feel I shouldn’t have to!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/12/2021 11:15

So because he is busy at work he avoids all involvement with the children, home?

He just completely opts out?

He sounds like a lazy, selfish fxxker.

He is using work to conveniently opt out of family life.

You are working FT and doing all the wakings too?

He is some cheeky fxcker OP.

Are you getting a lie in at the weekend having had your sleep disturbed all week?

What a selfish waster.

You need to be a lot less passive and leave him for the day to mind his bloody children.

He is refusing to have anything to do with his children all week?

He needs a dose of reality.

Stop putting up with this.

yellowpdfdocuments · 04/12/2021 11:28

Also OP what this looks like several years down the line is that his career will have progressed x10 above yours and the argument will be stronger that yes, of course it’s essential to the family that he is “always working”

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 04/12/2021 12:10

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

I’m so sorry to hear that *@yellowpdfdocuments*. I can quite see why, it’s very frustrating

The posters urging me to speak up are perhaps missing the point that communication is a two way thing. I could say ‘DH, please do this’ and he would. That’s not really what I’m concerned with. What is a bit hurtful is that the other end of that communication - him talking to me - is an optional extra.

I am still very interested to hear where I have been rude and have an unfortunate way of expressing myself by the way. That’s not meant passive aggressively. I genuinely don’t know if posters were just being unpleasant because, as sometimes does happen, or if I am a bigger problem than I think.

So communication is a two way thing yet you're not going to do it?

IamGusFring · 04/12/2021 12:25

He would listen if I spoke to him about it. I just suppose I really feel I shouldn’t have to!

Great relationships don't magically happen - they take work . Speak to him !

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2021 12:28

You need to communicate with him. Explain what actually happens from your perspective what happens when he checks out and what it means for you

That you understand there are busy periods but he needs to tell you and how long so you can plan accordingly

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2021 12:37

I agree it should be obvious but really you need to have a discussion with him. It’s different if you’ve told him 10 times and nothing has changed, or he still needs you to say pointedly every time it happens ‘so I’m solo parenting tonight am I? Were you going to tell me? Or return the favour?’ That would make me very shitty with him. I’d have the chat, and tell him if it happens again you will have to set a default parent roster where he can work those nights you’re on parenting, but he can’t the nights he is as he has children to be responsibke for. And point out if he takes the piss about his nights he should expect to do a lot of solo parenting nigths himself, and you are confident the net effect on your marriage will be unfortunate.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 04/12/2021 17:50

Mrs HR does this, I just leave her alone or bring her a snack, drink etc.
And if I'm busy, I just say I've got a lot at moment.
We did argue about me asking her to give me a couple of hrs because I was busy once.

If she'd have kept on at me I'd pack my belongings and leave. If your busy your busy...

This week we went to the pub for a few drinks, she admitted to being stressed, ranted all night about her job...

I think overall, if work is intruding too much then it's time to reassess.

NoSquirrels · 04/12/2021 18:30

The posters urging me to speak up are perhaps missing the point that communication is a two way thing. I could say ‘DH, please do this’ and he would. That’s not really what I’m concerned with. What is a bit hurtful is that the other end of that communication - him talking to me - is an optional extra.

Well, you say yes not a bad man. You say yes a good husband.

So he has some limitations- he’s blind to you struggling without you pointing it out; he’s a bit lazy and still in single please-himself mode.

He won’t magically change unless you tell him it’s disrespectful.

No point stewing on how it’s horrible of him not to communicate if you won’t speak up because if you do what you’ve always done you’ll get what you’ve always got.

Should you have to spell it out? No.
But do you have to spell it out? It appears you do, yes.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 04/12/2021 18:35

Sound like you need to talk to him.

When the dc are in bed simply say to him' can you put your laptop down please, I need to talk to you'

Then talk to him. It's not acceptable that you work full time and do all the child rearing and housework. He needs to discuss with you why he's working such long hours and how you can change this so he pulls his weight with the house and children, not to mention he also needs time with you and your relationship

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 04/12/2021 18:41

He seems so checked out. I would probably just hand him a screaming child - say nothing - just hand the child over and walk out. Rinse and repeat.

I was single mother from the get-go so did not waste any energy over who does what - it was me or child protective services- but if I had the other parent under the same roof, I would be LIVID. His sense of entitlement that you will handle everything is awful.

It may be one of those things where the man doesn't step up until the separation happens and then they have no choice on their Duty Days.

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2021 23:00

@Hrpuffnstuff1

Mrs HR does this, I just leave her alone or bring her a snack, drink etc. And if I'm busy, I just say I've got a lot at moment. We did argue about me asking her to give me a couple of hrs because I was busy once.

If she'd have kept on at me I'd pack my belongings and leave. If your busy your busy...

This week we went to the pub for a few drinks, she admitted to being stressed, ranted all night about her job...

I think overall, if work is intruding too much then it's time to reassess.

So despite having no arrangements in place and you operating under the assumption you’re a team, you’re expected without consultation to assume you are solely responsible for children and doing dinner bath and bed with no appreciation, or even talking to you, just assuming you’re the lesser person in this relationship who will stay available and jump to do the grunt work? Becasue that just sounds shitty. That’s a completely different scenario from knowing someone’s stressed. I get stressed at work. I ask if I need extra help at home.

Pascal80 · 05/12/2021 01:35

1.You want him to pay you some attention instead of working all night

You don't want to put your children to bed every night - you want him to do some of it instead.

So you are unhappy in two respects. Talk to him. He isn't a mind reader while you stew with resentment bathing the children and putting them to bed each evening.

fuckyourpronouns · 05/12/2021 08:37

Sorry it's tough @ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn I completely hear you and can empathise with this. My husband doesn't sit on the laptop all evening but does work away often at short notice and it's left to me to deal with the kids and the house and work too.

You've told us a lot about how it makes you feel and your perspective on it. But what's next? What do you want to change in this situation? What does that look like for you and your family?

Those saying you need to communicate more are correct BUT before you start that, you need to have a sit down talk. You do that by telling your husband that you want to talk to him about some things that are bothering you and can you do that at X time. Don't spring it on him whilst he's got his laptop in hand. Maybe do it just before bed so you can sort it out and wake up in a more positive mindset

There's no point in you playing the martyr or quietly seething. That helps no one and gets nowhere. He's your husband. You married him for better or worse and now is more worse than better. So tell him you need to talk to him. Before you have the chat write down the things that have been upsetting you.

I quite like the courageous conversation model: this should take 60 secs once you've completed the steps.

Name the problem - what is it that's bothering you and what's the area it's impacting?
Describe your emotions about the issue - how does this make you feel?
Clarify what's at stake
Identify your contribution to the problem. - this is not a 1 sided issue!
Indicate your wish to resolve the problem - this isn't a firing squad - it's a resolution meeting
Invite the other person to respond.

This gives you a plan to say out loud what's in your head and bothering you in a constructive way.