Husband suddenly going silent - anyone else?

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

When my Dh goes through a busy patch at work - and I’m assuming that is what it is - he barely speaks to me or the kids. He isn’t unkind or unpleasant, just smiles vaguely and taps away on his laptop (he is working, I can see this) and I feel like I’m parenting alone.

Anyone else? It does get to me a bit.

No I don't think it's fair, I just understand that distraction thing.

You and he need to talk it through. He may be unaware he's doing it.

I do know what you mean. My DH does this when he's ill. Soldiers on, won't actually take a sick day or medicine but just ditches all the stuff he'd normally do around the house.

It's the lack of discussion that's irritating. You can't just put children in a box till you're less busy/better.

He is opting out of everything. We don’t have a set schedule but all week I have done all night wakings, all getting ready in the mornings, all nursery drop offs and pick ups, all baths, all feeding and wiping.

I think he’s changed one nappy!

The thing with people saying blithely oh I can be like this … what if we were both ‘like this’? Children unwashed and unfed and ignored? That clearly wouldn’t happen. It can only happen because someone else picks up all the duties and that’s not fair when it’s expected.

I confess I also understood from the OP that the issue was whilst the DH was actually at work due to the references to tapping on the keyboard, and 'I can see him working'.

If the DH has finished work and it is the evening time, it is different to what I understood. However, I can feel like a zombie after a stressful day at work. What helps me is to go for a walk after work, then re-enter the family with a clear head.

My DH does not have this issue because his work is not stressful. I am very lucky he understands and helps me to manage the impact of my job by giving that bit of space!!

OK, to be clear, I am at work during the working day and so is Dh. The children are in nursery.

I am talking about him on his laptop in the evenings.

What does your typical day look like when he's behaving like this?

Is he on his laptop all day and all evening/night? How do you do family meals, or don't you?

You need to have a conversation about this, at a relaxed time with no blaming going on, all positive.
If you don’t, resentment will set in and it will eventually be the end.

You sound very angry. You need to talk to him, not us.

If I sound angry it’s definitely a ‘reading it that way’ issue.

I’m bewildered and very tired but I’m not angry. It’s obviously just one of those things that happens sometimes. No big deal.

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

OK, to be clear, I am at work during the working day and so is Dh. The children are in nursery.

I am talking about him on his laptop in the evenings.

Either the work he is doing in the evenings needs to be done or it doesn't - which is it? What is is hs work like - does he have a difficult job?

I work more hours than my DH and the work I do is more stressful. The additional hours I do in the evening at times are unpaid overtime and if I did not do it my work would fall apart. My DH's job is not like this - his work is put-down-able.

If my DH did not understand this aspect of my work I would be very upset with him.

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

If I sound angry it’s definitely a ‘reading it that way’ issue.

I’m bewildered and very tired but I’m not angry. It’s obviously just one of those things that happens sometimes. No big deal.

It's not one of those things. Tell him how you feel. Tell him everything you've said here.

So he's bringing work home and ignoring his family, dumping all the family work on you, barely communicating, and taking you for granted?

What a twat.

Do you make his dinner too? Who does the laundry?

No it's not fair and it shouldn't be like this. Although it wasn't clear from your OP, your update really saddens me. He has opted out of parenting and it really isn't on. If he wants to work extra hours at home, he needs to fit it around the bathing, changing, feeding etc that he should be doing as a parent.

Btw I've had plenty of 'big important jobs' that required attention in the evening, but I didn't ignore my own children and make them a lower priority. I'm sure most posters on here didn't either.

OK @rrhuth but do you see what happens here … how am I expected to understand if he doesn’t speak to me?

I’m expected to just get on with it, yes?

I don’t make his dinner so that’s something. I’m just a bit hurt as it feels a bit like you mean so little you’re not even worth giving a brief explanation to.

@SpindlesWinterWhorl

Btw I've had plenty of 'big important jobs' that required attention in the evening, but I didn't ignore my own children and make them a lower priority. I'm sure most posters on here didn't either.

I do not ignore my kids and they are my priority - but for example my DH always does the after school club transport, it would be mad for me to do that 50/50 because he has more non-work time than me.

@rrhuth I’m sure you’re wanting to be helpful but I’m not sure telling me what your life is like is necessarily applicable here.

So your Dh works part time, is that what you’re saying?

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

OK *@rrhuth* but do you see what happens here … how am I expected to understand if he doesn’t speak to me?

I’m expected to just get on with it, yes?

I don’t make his dinner so that’s something. I’m just a bit hurt as it feels a bit like you mean so little you’re not even worth giving a brief explanation to.

There is a communication problem in the marriage.

Have you tried to talk to him about this?

If he is playing games on his laptop or messaging friends or googling rubbish, and expecting you to do the parenting, then of course that's nor fair.

If he's desperately busy working, then it makes sense for you to do the parenting jobs. Otherwise, he'll stop working to do the parenting, then have to restart once the children are in bed (and by which time you might be reading or watching TV while he's working - that wouldn't be fair).

The fairness bit should be measured by how much time you each get 'off'. So you should get the same amount of downtime. Working isn't downtime.

It works both ways with me and DH. We work roughly the same hours, so spend roughly the same amount of time on household tasks. But sometimes one of us goes through a tough time at work, with loads of extra hours needed. In those times, the other one takes up more household stuff of course.

@GeodesicDome

You say 'Of course not' like it's obvious. Have another read of your OP and you'll see that it wasn't at all.

Maybe he just finds you annoying?

What a bitchy and unhelpful thing to say.

[quote ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]@rrhuth I’m sure you’re wanting to be helpful but I’m not sure telling me what your life is like is necessarily applicable here.

So your Dh works part time, is that what you’re saying?[/quote]
No, but he has a job that stays within contracted hours.

I have asked you a lot of questions about your DH's job and you haven't answered them.

Specifically I asked do you think he needs to do the work he is doing in the evening.

I am trying to explain that some couples have an issue where one person has a more difficult job and therefore they do not split things 50/50. I am trying to have a conversation but you are not explaining what things are like in your family.

When? That’s a genuine question, I’m not trying to be difficult or awkward.

I come in at half four with children hanging off me, I have to sort them and keep them reasonably happy. I have laundry to sort and so on. Then I have to do bath and bed. Then because I don’t get a full nights sleep myself I go to bed not long after the kids - and Dh is on his laptop and of course I don’t wish to be ‘annoying.’

Now isn’t a good time, I suppose.

To be fair to him I’m confident he’s working. I just wish he’d talk to me.

I haven’t seen the questions @rruth but I doubt I’d be able to answer them!

And tbh I don’t think what he does is that important. I don’t mind him working but I do think even if he was running off to disaster zones saving lives telling me what he was doing first would be a minimum surely?

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

If I sound angry it’s definitely a ‘reading it that way’ issue.

I’m bewildered and very tired but I’m not angry. It’s obviously just one of those things that happens sometimes. No big deal.

I think you have an unfortunate way of expressing yourself then, you have been quite rude to posters in here. Maybe you have communication problems full stop, you are trying to fight with us and yet you are struggling to have a straightforward conversation with your husband. You are the common denominator.