Husband suddenly going silent - anyone else?

[ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn]

When my Dh goes through a busy patch at work - and I’m assuming that is what it is - he barely speaks to me or the kids. He isn’t unkind or unpleasant, just smiles vaguely and taps away on his laptop (he is working, I can see this) and I feel like I’m parenting alone.

Anyone else? It does get to me a bit.

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

I haven’t seen the questions *@rruth* but I doubt I’d be able to answer them!

Someone else asked you what your evenings were like. I asked if his work needs to be done.

You are coming across as a shade hostile - offers

OK, well would you like to tell me where I’ve been rude and I’ll apologise?

As I honestly think I’ve been perfectly polite. If you’re saying I’m not, it’s possible I’m communicating in a similar with with DH without realising and that’s why he doesn’t want to talk to me.

I wouldn’t put up with it. My dh used to think like this. I have pointed out how he often didn’t give me the same help parenting when I’m busy even when I’d signposted several weeks in advance and asked for it, and i lost my shit a bit.
I’d just message him tomorrow afternoon and say I have to work late you need to get dc and do dinner bath bed. Then when you get home sit and have the talk about being the default parent and youd like a turn.

I’m not trying to be hostile. I’ve never not accepted that he has work to do outside of work, but what is upsetting and frustrating is being ignored in favour of that work. In other words massive difference between ‘so sorry love it’s manic just now, can you sort the kids?’ and silence all evening while I sort the kids as I have to!

And like I say it is possible I’ve been hostile and rude to Dh without realising if I’ve been doing that here.

Isn't everyone like this when they're busy or stressed at work? When I've had big projects with upcoming deadlines I can essentially go into a cave for days on end. DP's job doesn't work like that but he's like a zombie in the evenings at the moment because there's so much on. It's just life.

However I'd expect some communication in advance. When I say "big deadline coming up" to DP he knows I'll be unavailable for a few days.

Having said that, if the problem is his lack of communication, the best time to bring that up is after this busy/stressful period of work is over, not during it!

@ThatsNotMyPinkUnicorn

OK, well would you like to tell me where I’ve been rude and I’ll apologise?

As I honestly think I’ve been perfectly polite. If you’re saying I’m not, it’s possible I’m communicating in a similar with with DH without realising and that’s why he doesn’t want to talk to me.

Ouch.

This post strikes me as defensive. You are putting the onus on the other person to find the problem, describe the problem, tell you about the problem and then you will 'apologise'.

My husband does this.

I work three jobs myself. I’m not really allowed to get absorbed in any of them because somebody needs to care for the children.

It leads to a lot of resentment over the years

GeodesicDome is being a bit bitchy in response to being corrected. Missing the point of the thread.

OP it is frustrating and unfair. I’ve had similar. Drives me crazy because no matter how busy my work is we can’t both ‘check out’ of looking after DC. IMO many men fall into the trope of I’m so busy at work conveniently ignoring that looking after DC and home IS work. Unpaid, often repetitive and unsatisfactory work when they’re little.

It does require a conversation. Maybe many. Maybe being absent from the house to force him into looking after the DC. Also any chance that he’s a bit on the spectrum?

I think he needs to at least say to you that he’s having a busy time at work and will need to do extra hours. And recognise that you are doing extra child wrangling because of that. If he can he ought to take at least 30 minutes to share some time with you before bed.

He doesn’t appear to recognise or respect the extra work you are doing, so it makes it hard for you to respect that he is doing extra too. That’s really foolish on his part and unkind to you. Respect and communication are not optional in a marriage.

I honestly don’t know if I’m just really bad at expressing myself or not because that post wasn’t meant to be read with hostility at all.

I meant it in an open, friendly, ‘OK, please tell me where I’m going wrong’ sort of way.

I didn’t realise it was the same poster who said I was annoying, I don’t think you can tell someone they are annoying and then say how rude they are.

I’m a teacher so I do get work outside of working hours needs to be done but I don’t just expect Dh to do everything when I’m busy.

The weekend might be a guy pod find to have a conversation. If it’s finite, eg year-end, then you can work out an arrangement. If he’s just mindlessly opting in to work without consideration, then he needs to be made aware of it.

Jeepers, typos ‘a good time’ ^

Your feelings are valid, OP. And I think other posters are being a tad harsh on you - perhaps because they also have DHs that don’t pick up the domestic slack and accept it or suffer in silence? Who knows.

I also have two very young children, both in nursery, me and DH also work full time in ‘big jobs’. The routine is relentless and when you’re out of synch or one parent starts to not do their parts, it’s not only exhausting, it’s ripe for building resentment.

There are certainly times when me and DH start to rely on the other more during times of stress, and it definitely leads to shitty feelings and arguments! It’s not OK, however, for him to leave you in the dark and not a) communicate with you or b) express gratitude to you. So he’s prone to go quiet and leave you to EVERYTHING when stressed? So what? That’s not marriage and that’s not parenting, so he needs to step up, the bare minimum being to communicate with you about it. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all hide in our cubby holes when we’re stressed out.

For me the past few weeks, my DH has definitely picked up the slack for me due to a horrible constellation of illness, work stress etc, and he’s really been feeling the pressure with the kids. And I can plainly see that, so I’ve spoken to him a number of times to say sorry, thank him and let him know I’m working hard to get on top of things again. It’s not perfect, but he appreciates the communication and it goes a long way.

I’d be sitting your DH down when the kids are in bed and telling him how you feel.

My exh was like this. Working on the laptop increasingly in evenings. Eventually it was every night, even when we were on holiday. It was like he was trying to cover up for the fact he had nothing to say to me. I had a wide social life, then covid hit and I was sat in watching him work. Was a very lonely time!

Communication is key here I think. Have you asked your DH about it? " You seem really stressed/busy at the moment,is everything ok?" Or "I'm feeling really overwhelmed with house/childcare - we need to work together" and see what he says.

There's no point doing everything, silently seething, until you are ready to divorce/commit murder.

@Atla

Communication is key here I think. Have you asked your DH about it? " You seem really stressed/busy at the moment,is everything ok?" Or "I'm feeling really overwhelmed with house/childcare - we need to work together" and see what he says.

There's no point doing everything, silently seething, until you are ready to divorce/commit murder.

Yes this. There is also no point waiting for someone else to start a conversation.

There are two possibilities - his work needs to be done or his work doesn't need to be done.

Many women need to be careful of martyr syndrome. OP - if sometimes you are busy but wouldn't expect the DH to pick up the slack - maybe he should, and then at other times you should pick up for him, and in this way it will feel more fair.

I suspect I am one of those who you maintain blithely says I am like this. The thing is I get it. The issue isn't really his reaction at work times its the fact that he doesn't do anything else.

That I empathise with , my Exdh was exactly the same and it grinds you down. Trouble is you then fixate on the one thing that seems to represent it all.

So yep I am like this the difference is its within working hours , I do the absolute lions share of the parenting and house work. It's purely during specific hours I need to concentrate.

This isn't about his speaking or how he responds its about the fact that he has entirely checked out. He's landed everything on you and that's absolutely not OK. It's a large part of the reason my Exdh is I fact an Ex.

I know this envious and I have little time for it. The I am the big job rubbish. I am the main wage earner in my house and yes at times during the work day I do have to prioritise my work. However I also do the breakfasts the get up, the pick ups the homework and the dinner etc.

You have every right to be annoyed but I do think you are focusing on a small symptom of a wider problem.

My husbands the same and it's because he works 6 days a week night shifts. He hasn't been himself lately either. Probably all the stress. Can he have a break?

Is he working on the laptop in the family area or does he go off somewhere else in the house as being there and not joining in would drive me crazy. To break the pattern could you message him today and say as soon as he gets in today you have to go shopping so he doesn't fall into a habit of thinking its all yours. As a teacher l think as you get in earlier dhs..mine included..thinks you can do more but in actual fact the job is exhausting by its nature and a down time is needed.
Can you just say when he is tying away..Can you do Susies bedtime as l have school work to do and run upstairs and read your book!
Then maybe over the weekend have a chat about what's happening

I think quite a few fathers are adept at 'being busy' when it's that time of day.

Tell him it's his turn to bath/put children to bed 3 times in one week, 4 times in the following week and keep a two week rota.

My daughter's partner used to get home from work at 5.30 before they had children, which mysteriously changed to 7pm after the children were born. How convenient - his work suddenly became 'busy'.

Wait a min.you are both working and without a word he just decides it's your job to pick up all parenting in the evening and morning? Take turns .

Monday day he gets up with kids takes them in.... you collect and do evening meal etc. On tuesday reverse and so on.

I think your feelings are valid - he's taking it for granted that he can devote unlimited time to work, without discussion, and by doing so he is unilaterally committing your time to childcare and domestic work, because of course you will make sure it gets done.

A lot of people use work as a legimitate reason for avoiding family responsibilities but that relies on someone else picking up the pieces. Being able to drop everything and work all hours becomes a privilege when you are a parent not a right and it's often easier than combining a working day with a full evening/night shift parenting.

Doing so regularly without discussion says something about priorities and how each others time is valued, intentionally or not.

Pisses me off the amount of men who can decide when to parent.

Much easier to sit on your laptop working than working, doing all the kid stuff, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning.

You're supposed to be a team. If either of you needs to work late then at the very least communicate and agree with the other one. To just sit on his laptop quietly whilst you do everything is unacceptable. I'm sure you could easily find work stuff to do in the evening.