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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online dating - help....

82 replies

TraciB · 01/12/2021 21:53

Whats peoples experiences, mine so far are all negative, does it get any better, men wanting sex, married men wanting sex, men wanting to talk dirty and send rude photos, men wanting to talk and never meet, dates, ghosting... does it get any better than this? i 'm starting to feel bad about myself ...i'm disheartened help...

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/12/2021 22:07

Yeah I had the same !!!!!
I was fairly horny at the time so I didn’t mind to start and then quit and deleted
It’s not just you !!

BobstarSunny · 01/12/2021 22:35

I hated online dating, I was rubbish at writing profiles and have never been one for good photos. I really struggled with it and deleted and re-joined so many times! I decided to really give it one last good go and was super fussy with who I swiped. Eventually I came across an amazing someone who seemed to tick the boxes and we're now living together with a baby on the way. You'll find someone, but try not to let the wrong ones get you down until you do Smile

Original poster
TraciB · 01/12/2021 22:41

thank you!

OP posts:
blueshoes · 01/12/2021 22:48

Great story, Bobstar

Tempnamelady · 01/12/2021 22:48

I signed up (50 and separated), I’ve had loads of likes but i don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind yet. I hadn’t had any messages that offended me until an absolutely disgusting one yesterday , I must say I’m not a prude but it shook me that a man would think it acceptable to speak like that, he looked normal enough as well. I’ve reported him and I think that’s my dalliance with online dating over and done with.

Keepitonthedownlow · 01/12/2021 22:50

Have you tried Bumble? Least sleazy one I tried.

TurnUpTurnip · 01/12/2021 22:54

I haven’t really done old but my friend did suggest I download tinder just to see what’s out there and I was surprised (or not?!) by just how many married men there was on there that openly admitted to it on their profiles, I guess that’s better than the ones that aren’t honest Confused also a man who had a girlfriend but said he’s looking for a new one as she lives too far away, then there was the guy from my school who was 2 years above me in school but on tinder he was apparently 2 years younger than me Hmm

Smile1066 · 01/12/2021 23:15

Know how you fell ladies I’m Judy 60 , was married 27 years then he cheated, went on a few sites, mostly looking for friendship, but nope all body pics dirty text & married men🤣🤣🤣

Notbornwithit · 01/12/2021 23:25

I found it really hard until I read the newest book by Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein. Not your mothers rules. Lots of people sneer at ‘rules’ but I had great success. Was so much easier with some guidelines to follow. I actually had lots of fun and some lovely dates. Then I met my husband and we got engaged within a year

TheFoundations · 02/12/2021 08:40

Just ignore anybody who doesn't float your boat. They're no more your concern than any idiot you pass in the street, and what do you do then? You just cross over and avoid them, right? Don't engage. Why would they be anything to do with your judgment of yourself?

Anthurium · 02/12/2021 13:12

OLD is just a way to potentially meet new people - it provides an illusion of choice/possibilities. Anecdotally speaking it is no more, no less successful than any other way of meeting people. It isn't really a numbers game though many would like to believe it...so people are on dating apps for months and years and never get their 'returns' and some who get their 'returns' with a matter of hours/days/weeks. There's no formula/algorithm to genuine attraction/chemistry

Isitreallyme177 · 02/12/2021 13:27

I hated it and quit. I met one really nice guy before I quit for good, I am still in touch with him, and I met one nice guy who disappeared to sort himself out. I found it soul destroying, unsolicited dick pics, sexting someone you hadn't met, someone even offered me money for sex, or the one who was having a wank whilst on a video call to me🤢🤮. I vowed I wouldn't put myself through that again and I was super picky but it seemed I attracted the freaks and weirdos.

gogohm · 02/12/2021 13:36

Yes, experienced this but there's good men out there, I met dp just over 2 years ago online

Musttryharder2021 · 02/12/2021 14:07

If you have the emotional stamina for the various bullshit/plain weird behaviour go ahead- but more often than not, OLD isn't pleasant a experience and nobody really talks about the mental health consequences of repeated micro rejections /abuse. It's dressed up as 'fun' and 'well you'll never find anyone if you sit at home ...' . Society entourages women to go through this humiliating experience because apparently anything is better than being single...

Original poster
TraciB · 02/12/2021 22:47

this seem standard nowadays!

OP posts:
ToxicPoppy · 02/12/2021 23:51

Yeah I had a similar experience until I got chatting to my now partner. He was different, didn’t try to send me a dick pic and didn’t push me into anything other than getting to know each other. He’s amazing and I’m so happy I met him.

Milomonster · 03/12/2021 12:35

I’ve been on and off the apps for three years. I am very selective about who I meet, and have met some decent guys (nothing came of them). I haven’t received any pics and only one guy attempted sexting straight after the first date. I ghosted him. OLD is, in the main, shit, no doubt, but we cling to the hope that we might meet that one decent man. I’ve given up, to be honest.

Nahnahnah · 04/12/2021 00:36

I started 2 months ago and have just paused my account! Bit of background, I was with my ex for over 20 years and single for about 3 years. Been very happily single, not chasing a relationship in those 3 years. Thought I would try online dating, the whole concept is totally cringesome to me but accepted this must be the way it is now to meet new people. It's been a massive learning curve. I've literally treated it as another job and invested a lot of time and energy. It's been terrifyingly exciting, feeling vulnerable and exhausting. Had a couple of dates but nothing that interested me. The best piece of advise I received is to throw any sort of type out the window. So I spoke to lots of different men and started seeing someone in the same town as me. OMG this past month has been a whirlwind and the most amazing few weeks. I feel like a teen again and found the most mind blowing amazing man. He's everything I am looking for and we both took ourselves off the dating apps this week. I have never felt this way about anyone before and it all feels right. It's completely taken me by surprise given that I thought I would just dip my toe in. Just going to enjoy it and see where it goes. I can't quite believe it myself but so glad I took the plunge. Thought I would just let you know it's not all horror stories.

Isitreallyme177 · 04/12/2021 07:06

@Musttryharder2021

If you have the emotional stamina for the various bullshit/plain weird behaviour go ahead- but more often than not, OLD isn't pleasant a experience and nobody really talks about the mental health consequences of repeated micro rejections /abuse. It's dressed up as 'fun' and 'well you'll never find anyone if you sit at home ...' . Society entourages women to go through this humiliating experience because apparently anything is better than being single...
@Musttryharder2021 you've hit the nail on the head. I got told I was cold and hard work because I didn't respond with enthusiasm(I wasn't rude although I probably should have been) for one guy's unsolicited dick pic and his clumsy cringe inducing attempt at sexting.

I've had others who arrange to meet then vanish by the morning. I kept wondering am I really that bad, is this all I'm worth. It really does take its toll on your mental health, every rejection, every ghosting, every vanishing chips away at your confidence. Not to mention multi dating, which back when I was dating years ago would have been classed as two timing.

The two I met were really nice but I had to go through so much shit, I did make a good friend so it wasn't all bad I suppose.

marmitegirl01 · 04/12/2021 20:34

What sites are you having most luck with. I’m 51 if that makes a difference 🤷‍♀️

wobblywinelover · 05/12/2021 02:11

IME it's full of men wanting free prostitutes, very very rare to find a decent partner on there. Not saying it's not possible but you're likely to reach the end of your tether several times before you get there. I gave up years ago and far happier for it

Stayingstrongish · 05/12/2021 10:03

I’ve managed to meet a couple of nice guys through Bumble. Have dozed the app now and seeing how it goes with one. In my late 30s.

SunflowerTed · 05/12/2021 16:13

I was OLD at 38 and kissed a few frogs. Met the bloke in the next street but one who was also OLD. Amazing - we fell madly in love and got married. Never been happier. Weed out the pervs and stick with it x

Buildingthefuture · 05/12/2021 16:37

I’ve never done OLD, but lots of my friends do….and whilst I do have one friend who met her now DH on line, tbh, it’s generally grim! WHAT IS IT WITH the dick pics? Honestly, WHY?? Do they EVER get a positive response?? And has any woman , in the history of the WORLD ever, sent an unsolicited gyny shot??. Honestly, I don’t get it Confused

TerraNovaTwo · 05/12/2021 16:46

I met an absolute tosser just before first lockdown. We kept in contact over the course of 2020, but he turned out to be a nasty, sleazy POS. Covert narc.

OLD is NOT worth the hassle IME. Better to make the time to meet people IRL with similar interests and values - when I have the time and the time is right, I will only date like this.

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