Online dating - help....

[TraciB]

Whats peoples experiences, mine so far are all negative, does it get any better, men wanting sex, married men wanting sex, men wanting to talk dirty and send rude photos, men wanting to talk and never meet, dates, ghosting... does it get any better than this? i 'm starting to feel bad about myself ...i'm disheartened help...

There are nice guys on there
Guys like us ! But it’s finding them
I don’t even think men like it that much

I've been OLD for 15 months now ,I've been on some dire dates in that time am sick of dick pics and sex talk and the general lack of respect of women. I've given up to be honest, I will keep my paid subscriptions until they run out though but the calibre of men on dating sites is shocking .
It's soul destroying,the rejection the dates that ghost you or just don't bother turning up,all the wasted time texting back and forth to arrange a date getting childcare and getting ready to just be let down like you don't matter.

@Inthesameboatatmo

I've been OLD for 15 months now ,I've been on some dire dates in that time am sick of dick pics and sex talk and the general lack of respect of women. I've given up to be honest, I will keep my paid subscriptions until they run out though but the calibre of men on dating sites is shocking . It's soul destroying,the rejection the dates that ghost you or just don't bother turning up,all the wasted time texting back and forth to arrange a date getting childcare and getting ready to just be let down like you don't matter.

@Inthesameboatatmo

I totally sympathise! I remember this being the case (pretty much word for word) when I was 36, single, child free, and generally had loads of time for dating.

Roll on 3 years later, I'm now a single mother by choice, and dating often crosses my mind especially the logistics of it and the lack of time that will be an issue when I do decide to date again, but your post reminded me of all that is grim/demoralising/depressing...do I have the patience for it? I'm not sure...just wanted to say I get it!

@Musttryharder2021. Thank you ,I needed to hear that it wasn't just me . I know there are lots it happens to but at the time you just don't feel that's the case do you.
But good luck if you decide to start dating again but I'm taking a much needed break from it.

I met my partner on OLD. We've been together 8 years now, and a friend of mine met her husband and they've been married 15 years now.
There are some decent men, but absolutely loads of weirdos!!!

I've never seen so many willies before! Lol 😂

I didn't have the negative experiences you and some others talk about with OLD. I went on after I separated for some company and something to do while the dc were with their dad and met a few nice men - went on some nice dates, then met my partner and we have been together 2.5 years.

I was quite picky with who I swiped on and found most success with Bumble as you can't get any pics/messages unless you have messaged them first.

I didn't have many expectations really though as wasn't really looking for anything serious.

What I have learned though is that at my age (40's), most men I was going to meet of a similar age would have their own life experiences and it wasn't going to be as 'easy' as meeting someone in your teens/20's when it's more likely that you do things together for the first time (moving in, marriage, kids, etc). Most of us come with 'added extras' (i hate the term baggage) so you need to be open to that, while still having boundaries and your own deal breakers.

I met the love of my life on Tinder! Meant to swipe left as the only photo he had was tiny & showed the side of his head, but accidentally swiped right & we matched. I was his first (& only) match as his friend had set it up for him after his marriage ended, and he hadn't been that active. Chatted for days & hit it off big time. Had our first in-person date the next week and there were fireworks & soulmate (which I never believed in!) vibes instantly. We're still very very happily & madly in love together over 3 years on, and he is literally the perfect stepdad to my 2 kids, and we now own a house together. It can happen, there are diamonds in amongst alllll of that online rough!

The one filthy message I had has completely put me off. I’m no shrinking violet but the thought that someone thinks it acceptable to think or say that about me completely floored and upset me . My colleague blithely talks about the number of appendages she received pictures of , i was horrified to be honest .
My profile is deleted and it’s never again from me. Seeing as I don’t go out , work from home and all my friends are married , the next few months /years don’t look too promising 😢
It makes me sad because I’m a successful professional woman and though I say it myself I look good for my age , I work out and always take pride in my appearance . But it is what it is I suppose better alone than in an unhappy marriage.

I have been on old forever and been on plenty of dates in that time, keep in touch with a couple. I have never had a dick pic or suffered from receiving dirty text.

I think it's especially bad now during the pandemic. Either they're as you describe or they're completely disinterested and jaded. I think most people at the moment are just drained. I've decided not to bother for now. Working on my own projects and hobbies and saving up a flat deposit. Hopefully the day will come again where you can go out for a glass of wine after work without having to worry about covid/restrictions/being pinged, but it's not right now.

Isis1981uk
That’s so sweet
I agree that for evey nice woman there will be a nice man
I’m happy you found him
I totally fell for the first man that contacted me on tinder
Unfortunately he’s in a different country

I don’t even think men like it that much

I'm a man and can vouch for that!

However, its true that one of the pluses is I don't get sent a dick pics.

To be honest I @megustalacerveza is onto something about everyone feeling drained. I've been off it for almost a year now, with a brief look a couple of months ago which lasted all of 24 hours before I deleted it again.

One of things I found difficult was so many profiles where their stated likes and answers didn't really match with what they were like really. One date who said she loved visiting coffee shops turned out not to have ever visited any in the town she lived, or even what a latte was. Another match said she'd love to go driving across America in a convertible. When I asked if there were any places she'd like to visit in particular, she admitted no - because she'd only written it to appear exciting.

And, maybe its where I live, but a great swathe seem to be self-proclaimed dog or horse obsessives who paddle-board. Or hardcore outdoor sports nuts. I'm not judging them - theres nothing wrong with any of that. Just wish there was a bit more diversity of interests as I'm not sure the aforementioned would really find me their cup of tea!

Yes, it's so odd when people paint themselves as being totally different to who they are...just why? What's the point? An ex (who I didn't meet on OLD) would tell me he really admired how much I travelled and he loved travel too and he couldn't wait to have all these adventures with me...we did two short city breaks and then he was over it...zero interest or motivation to go anywhere. He actually just liked to stay at home and mess around on the computer and barely interact with anyone else. It's like people present themselves as who they'd like to be rather than who they are, and then it ends in disappointment all round.

I wish people would just be honest.

@Musttryharder2021

If you have the emotional stamina for the various bullshit/plain weird behaviour go ahead- but more often than not, OLD isn't pleasant a experience and nobody really talks about the mental health consequences of repeated micro rejections /abuse. It's dressed up as 'fun' and 'well you'll never find anyone if you sit at home ...' . Society entourages women to go through this humiliating experience because apparently anything is better than being single...

Absolutely this @Musttryharder2021

Just tonight, so ridiculous as a 50 year old woman, I have been in tears because of the callousness. Had a meet up during the week which went really well, but today he had just been so nasty. I don't usually take things to heart, but this is just too much.

I feel a wave of depression looming, it's taken me 6 long years to get to a good place, and one day for it to be crushed.

I just can't and won't do it to myself again. I would rather be a bit lonely and on my own than feel like this.

I'm sure it will pass, but I agree 100% with you that it is very testing on one's mental health.

I loved it! I’m clearly in the minority, here, but I had some great chats, went on some great dates, had a few relationships and then met my husband. I’m a big fan of OLD.

What I’ve found on here is that a lot of women go about this in an almost self sabotaging way. This is only my opinion, mind. But, my tips:

• Don't match with red flags. Topless photos, empty profiles, pictures of cars. That’s not your man, so don’t waste your time.
• Don’t waste time on unpleasant conversations. If you’re not enjoying talking to someone, unlatch them. If someone is rude, unmatch them immediately. If you’re just not feeling it (you don’t need a reason), then unmatch immediately.
• Have actual conversations with people before you meet them. Lots of posters seem to think that meeting immediately is the way forward, which is baffling to me. The entire point of OLD, in my opinion, is that you can thoroughly screen people before meeting them. So, do it. None of that ‘I don’t communicate well over text’ - it’s 2021, learn.
• Don’t give anyone your number until you’re actually dating them. There is no need. Communicate via the app and, if you want to end it, you can just unmatch. It’s considerably more difficult to get rid of someone who has your number.

Remember that dating is meant to be fun. If you’re not enjoying yourself, then you need to reevaluate your approach.

@highlighta I can relate to this completely. I have also been in tears tonight! It is absolutely destroying my already fragile mental health. I can’t do it anymore. I’d rather be on my own

@Saysama
- Have actual conversations with people before you meet them. Lots of posters seem to think that meeting immediately is the way forward, which is baffling to me. The entire point of OLD, in my opinion, is that you can thoroughly screen people before meeting them. So, do it. None of that ‘I don’t communicate well over text’ - it’s 2021, learn.

Did you often find the conversation revealed you were incompatible and so decided against meeting up?

When I tried (back in 2012/3) my experience was in the middle. I'm a man, so unsurprisingly I didn't have the usual female complaints of dickpics and harassment, but I also didn't have the fairly typical male problems of getting very few replies to messages or very few dates. I went on about 12-15 first dates, but there were no second dates. On about five there was a mutual lack of interest. I think there might have been one or two where she was interested, but I wasn't. The rest I asked for a second date and was turned down. So I just felt it was quite easy to match well enough on paper, but very hard to establish attraction.
I used to just send several messages before asking to meet up. I usually decided pretty quickly I wanted to meet, and I don't think any invite was ever turned down, so I assume the women felt similarly, and were usually just waiting for me to ask. I'm not sure if messaging for longer would have helped the process.

@Georgist Yes, the majority of the time. Which was the point of the conversations.

I’ve always approached it like this: I’m an attractive woman in central London. If I’d wanted to go on dates/have drinks with random men about whom I knew nothing, I could literally just go to any bar and wait ten minutes. I did not want that, I wanted to go on dates with a quite specific sort of person, and OLD was a means to finding said people and vetting them beforehand. I never went on a date with anyone unless:

• I had enjoyed our prior conversation. This didn’t have to be for weeks, it was more about content than length of time, but rarely less than a week.
• I had established that we were on the same page with regards to what I consider the important things: politics, religion, humour, etc.
• I had established that we were on the same page in terms of life stages.

This meant that the majority of chaps got screened out, but - like most women - I had a pretty large pool to begin with. Some people I fancied when we met and some I didn’t, but I never had a bad date, got harassed or received a dick pic (as they didn’t have my number, there wasn’t really the means to send me one). And I met the love of my life. So, all I can say is that it worked for me.

Yes, I see that was the point of your conversations. It was in mine too. We established we were on the same page, but there was never mutual attraction when we met. I don't think lengthier conversations prior to meeting would have changed anything.

I gave up on OLD. Found the majority of the men to be appallingly immature, rude and unpleasant. Too many lie on their profile, are not single and seem to think that porn is the same as real life.

I have no idea if it would have changed anything for you. I don’t know your screening process, your criteria, how realistic said criteria are in relation to what you have to offer, the content of your conversations, the nature of your dates or what you’re ultimately looking for. I was answering your question.

Conversations ensured I picked men whose company I enjoyed, and - as I’d have seen pictures - I already knew I found them physically attractive. This didn’t guarantee that we’d click, but it meant that there was a pretty high probability. Significantly higher than if I was just doing rapidfire meet-ups.

@Saysama
I don’t know your screening process, your criteria

Since it was more often them declining a second date, that's not really the pertinent point. It's that I met their criteria for a date, based on the information from my profile and messages.

It may have been the case that they didn't know what they wanted. But I'm more inclined to believe there is just a vast gap between messaging and actually meeting in person.

[quote Georgist]@Saysama
I don’t know your screening process, your criteria

Since it was more often them declining a second date, that's not really the pertinent point. It's that I met their criteria for a date, based on the information from my profile and messages.

It may have been the case that they didn't know what they wanted. But I'm more inclined to believe there is just a vast gap between messaging and actually meeting in person.[/quote]
Yes, there is. You could be absolutely lovely, tick lots of boxes, but I think if the chemistry isn't there, then that's that. I wouldn't take it personally.

@Georgist I think it’s a bit odd that you’ve chosen to respond to a fragment of a sentence (and then claim it’s ‘not the pertinent point’), as opposed to the entirety of my comment, which addresses what you’ve just said. It’s also quite funny, because one of the key things I looked for in the conversations we’re discussing was whether the man actually engaged with what was being said to him.

You can obviously go about OLD however you wish. Good luck.

[quote Beebyonthewold]@highlighta I can relate to this completely. I have also been in tears tonight! It is absolutely destroying my already fragile mental health. I can’t do it anymore. I’d rather be on my own[/quote]
I am sorry you are in a similar situation.

I hope you feel better today.

It really isn't worth it to end up feeling this way. 💐