Online dating - help....

[TraciB]

Whats peoples experiences, mine so far are all negative, does it get any better, men wanting sex, married men wanting sex, men wanting to talk dirty and send rude photos, men wanting to talk and never meet, dates, ghosting... does it get any better than this? i 'm starting to feel bad about myself ...i'm disheartened help...

Took me 8 years of going on a lot of average or bad dates before I finally met my wonderful partner. We’re now living together, have a baby on the way and I couldn’t be more grateful that I persevered and found him.

I tried ALL the dating apps and Bumble was the best one for nice, ‘normal’ guys.

man who had a girlfriend but said he’s looking for a new one as she lives too far away
Gotta love his honesty!
I met a lovely person yesterday oin the pub and we got chatting. Her boyfriend was drop-dead gorgeous and I jokingly asked where they met snd she said Bumble. She is 41 -he looked mid forties. Of course he may be all sorts of wrong but she was having a great night out.

@Saysama

I loved it! I’m clearly in the minority, here, but I had some great chats, went on some great dates, had a few relationships and then met my husband. I’m a big fan of OLD.

What I’ve found on here is that a lot of women go about this in an almost self sabotaging way. This is only my opinion, mind. But, my tips:

• Don't match with red flags. Topless photos, empty profiles, pictures of cars. That’s not your man, so don’t waste your time.
• Don’t waste time on unpleasant conversations. If you’re not enjoying talking to someone, unlatch them. If someone is rude, unmatch them immediately. If you’re just not feeling it (you don’t need a reason), then unmatch immediately.
• Have actual conversations with people before you meet them. Lots of posters seem to think that meeting immediately is the way forward, which is baffling to me. The entire point of OLD, in my opinion, is that you can thoroughly screen people before meeting them. So, do it. None of that ‘I don’t communicate well over text’ - it’s 2021, learn.
• Don’t give anyone your number until you’re actually dating them. There is no need. Communicate via the app and, if you want to end it, you can just unmatch. It’s considerably more difficult to get rid of someone who has your number.

Remember that dating is meant to be fun. If you’re not enjoying yourself, then you need to reevaluate your approach.

Saysama, when did you do OLD?

The tips you have listed are all well and good, and in all honesty I do think they are the obvious do's and don'ts for matching.

Something has definitely changed within the last 2 years though, well in my opinion, it has.

You are 100% correct in that it should be fun and exciting. Weeding out those that don't suit you is one of the tedious parts of it. But somewhere along the way, the not so nice started to outweigh the fun and exciting.

I have been on OLD before, some years back. I came off as went into a relationship which unfortunately didn't work out (didn't meet him on old though). But it just is
not the same now.

It been said for a long time that you need to go into it with a bit of a thick skin. At the moment you need rhino hide.

@Saysama

I loved it! I’m clearly in the minority, here, but I had some great chats, went on some great dates, had a few relationships and then met my husband. I’m a big fan of OLD.

What I’ve found on here is that a lot of women go about this in an almost self sabotaging way. This is only my opinion, mind. But, my tips:

• Don't match with red flags. Topless photos, empty profiles, pictures of cars. That’s not your man, so don’t waste your time.
• Don’t waste time on unpleasant conversations. If you’re not enjoying talking to someone, unlatch them. If someone is rude, unmatch them immediately. If you’re just not feeling it (you don’t need a reason), then unmatch immediately.
• Have actual conversations with people before you meet them. Lots of posters seem to think that meeting immediately is the way forward, which is baffling to me. The entire point of OLD, in my opinion, is that you can thoroughly screen people before meeting them. So, do it. None of that ‘I don’t communicate well over text’ - it’s 2021, learn.
• Don’t give anyone your number until you’re actually dating them. There is no need. Communicate via the app and, if you want to end it, you can just unmatch. It’s considerably more difficult to get rid of someone who has your number.

Remember that dating is meant to be fun. If you’re not enjoying yourself, then you need to reevaluate your approach.

Sorry but I think you were just lucky.

All the things you say are obvious, and what most people do. The fact you need to do all these things just to avoid being harassed or attacked sort of says it all about men and OLD.

Sorry but I think you were just lucky

I do agree with this, but then again I am also thinking that this is not a more recent old experience.

I met my amazing husband on match. Don't give up!

1. Grow a thick layer of skin
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Be VERY picky and selective (there are literally millions of men out there)
4. If you're not feeling it delete, block and move on
5. Don't spend days emailing/texting. Arrange to meet quickly (quick coffee is all it takes) to establish if there's chemistry
6. If there's chemistry move off the site to email (create a generic email address that's non-identifying)
7. Take it from there

OP there are lots of holes for you to fall into but there are successes as others have said. And sometimes there are even pleasant surprises. I met my absolute best (male) friend on OLD (nothing ever happened between us).

You can’t OLD if your mental health is fragile
It’s like a butterfly in a bike wheel
You have to be fairly thick skinned , horny and able to laugh at it all

I agree with what people say about rules and you can spot very fast if you click or not

@highlighta I came off it about five years ago, so it’s very possible that things might have changed. I agree that everything I’ve said seems like basic common sense. However, based on the posts I’ve seen on MN, and even comments on this thread, some people don’t do these things and might find the info helpful.

@megustalacerveza You think I was ‘just lucky’ with regards to all of my dates, a couple of relationships and a marriage? I’m not entirely sure how to respond to that. And, as I’ve said above, if you think the things listed are what most people do, we may not be reading the same posts on this forum.

Also The fact you need to do all these things just to avoid being harassed or attacked sort of says it all about men and OLD refers to what exactly? What were ‘all of these things’? Conversations? Not matching with empty profiles? Ending conversations when people are rude? As the stated reason for those wasn’t to avoid being attacked.

[quote Saysama]@megustalacerveza You think I was ‘just lucky’ with regards to all of my dates, a couple of relationships and a marriage? I’m not entirely sure how to respond to that. And, as I’ve said above, if you think the things listed are what most people do, we may not be reading the same posts on this forum.

Also The fact you need to do all these things just to avoid being harassed or attacked sort of says it all about men and OLD refers to what exactly? What were ‘all of these things’? Conversations? Not matching with empty profiles? Ending conversations when people are rude? As the stated reason for those wasn’t to avoid being attacked.[/quote]
Yes. And I also think your experiences were longer ago than the last 2-3 years, when things REALLY started to get bad.

Yes, all the things you listed are completely obvious to me. I would never match with someone with shirtless pics, posing with a car, I would unmatch anyone who was rude or trying to neg, etc. etc. It's still awful. It's like a needle in a haystack trying to find someone remotely kind and decent who I get along with and am attracted to. I don't have unrealistic standards and I'm not expecting anything I can't offer.

Some people really are simply lucky. I have a friend who has now met two decent partners within a week of reactivating Tinder, in each case. There is a massive element of luck in happening to see someone's profile when you're swiping, and to match, and to hit it off in person. There's an element of luck in not encountering a sociopath or a narcissist. There are LOTS of them on dating apps and many of them are very difficult to spot.

@megustalacerveza I’m extremely sorry that you’re having such an unpleasant time. However, most of the people I know in relationships who didn’t meet at uni (so circa 60%) met on a dating app. Statistically, a third of relationships that began in the last 5 years in the U.K. started on a dating app, and it’s predicted that will reach the ‘tipping point’ of over 50% in 2035.

You surely cannot believe that we ALL are just lucky?

[quote Saysama]@megustalacerveza I’m extremely sorry that you’re having such an unpleasant time. However, most of the people I know in relationships who didn’t meet at uni (so circa 60%) met on a dating app. Statistically, a third of relationships that began in the last 5 years in the U.K. started on a dating app, and it’s predicted that will reach the ‘tipping point’ of over 50% in 2035.

You surely cannot believe that we ALL are just lucky?[/quote]
No, I think a lot of people put up with really shitty relationships, whether they're aware of it or not. I would rather be single than married to most of my friends' husbands.

30% isn't that high a percentage and shows that even in these times, people still like to meet face to face. I find apps artificial, weird and a magnet for the worst kind of people. At least if you meet in real life you can get to know each other as friends, without the stress and expectation than comes with apps.

@megustalacerveza (great name 🥰) I’m 100 per cent what you say on
‘I would rather be single than married to most of my friends' husbands’ 👏🏽

@megustalacerveza By any sociological metric, a third is a massive percentage, particularly for an emerging platform that has only existed in the mainstream for about 20 years/less than one generation. And 50% is larger still.

People putting up with really shitty relationships has little to nothing to do with how they meet. As the majority of relationships currently don’t begin on apps, the people to whom you refer are just as likely to have met irl (actually, currently more than twice as likely). So, it’s not really relevant to this conversation.

The point is that lots of people have a great time on apps. Lots of us meet great people. It’s a route to meeting people that many are utilising with great success. It’s unfortunate that said route isn’t working for you, but to dismiss the success/relationships of so many people as ‘luck’ and to characterise a large portion of the dating population as ‘the worst kind of people’ is clearly inaccurate.

You seem to have gone ‘OLD isn’t working for me, so the issue must be with OLD’. I’m afraid I disagree.

I tried OLD for a few months, went on a couple of dates with one guy and had some text exchanges with others that ranged from boring but nice to downright rude. That was on Bumble. I then tried Tinder in an attempt to widen the pool, swiped right on one person. Was going to delete the app because I thought it was just not my scene when he messaged me. We've been together a few months now and I've never been happier. I think it's just luck really although I was always very picky about who I swiped on and never received any dick pics, sexts or abuse.

[quote Tempnamelady]@megustalacerveza (great name 🥰) I’m 100 per cent what you say on
‘I would rather be single than married to most of my friends' husbands’ 👏🏽[/quote]
Oh yes!!!!!!

[quote Saysama]@megustalacerveza By any sociological metric, a third is a massive percentage, particularly for an emerging platform that has only existed in the mainstream for about 20 years/less than one generation. And 50% is larger still.

People putting up with really shitty relationships has little to nothing to do with how they meet. As the majority of relationships currently don’t begin on apps, the people to whom you refer are just as likely to have met irl (actually, currently more than twice as likely). So, it’s not really relevant to this conversation.

The point is that lots of people have a great time on apps. Lots of us meet great people. It’s a route to meeting people that many are utilising with great success. It’s unfortunate that said route isn’t working for you, but to dismiss the success/relationships of so many people as ‘luck’ and to characterise a large portion of the dating population as ‘the worst kind of people’ is clearly inaccurate.

You seem to have gone ‘OLD isn’t working for me, so the issue must be with OLD’. I’m afraid I disagree.[/quote]
You're missing my point there about the shitty relationships, I'm afraid. Most of them did meet online but even if they hadn't, the point is that we're not all the same and we all have different standards and expectations.

In other words, your idea of a great partner or person might not be the same as mine. All my friends think they have great relationships. Some of them are quite smug about them. I would not have chosen any of their husbands. I see them being talked down to, disrespected, ignored, taking on all or most of the housework thinking it's normal. If their husband picks up a chocolate bar for them while he's at the shop, they go on about him as if he's some kind of god. One of them posted on social media about how her husband walked to the station to meet her after a work night out so she didn't have to walk home alone. They think the absolute basics are something special.

The bar for men is on the floor these days. I can never quite believe what other women find acceptable.

Most of them did meet online. Most of whom? Most of the people in relationships did not meet online, that’s basic fact and easily proven. So are you claiming that most of the people in shitty relationships met online? As that’s a bizarre assertion that you cannot prove unless you’ve observed and surveyed millions of people. Your anecdotes about your mates are not data.

I will repeat myself, as it would appear that you didn’t get the point. People putting up with really shitty relationships has little to nothing to do with how they meet. As the majority of relationships currently don’t begin on apps, the people in shitty relationships are just as likely to have met irl (actually, currently more than twice as likely). So, it’s not really relevant to this conversation.

The bar being on the floor for men has nothing to do with OLD. Women being in relationships you consider substandard and tolerating poor male behaviour has nothing to do with OLD. The patriarchy, internalised misogyny and the existence of crappy relationships predate the internet. Men who behave poorly and women with low expectations exist in real life and, however they met, would exist.

People go on OLD to find partners that suit them. A lot of them do find partners that suit them. Whether or not you, personally, would want their relationships is irrelevant to said people. They have been successful in what they set out to do and many have had a good time doing it. The dismissal of said success as either luck or low standards is very odd and you’re coming across as rather bitter, at this point. I’m going to leave you to it.

@Saysama

Most of them did meet online. Most of whom? Most of the people in relationships did not meet online, that’s basic fact and easily proven. So are you claiming that most of the people in shitty relationships met online? As that’s a bizarre assertion that you cannot prove unless you’ve observed and surveyed millions of people. Your anecdotes about your mates are not data.

I will repeat myself, as it would appear that you didn’t get the point. People putting up with really shitty relationships has little to nothing to do with how they meet. As the majority of relationships currently don’t begin on apps, the people in shitty relationships are just as likely to have met irl (actually, currently more than twice as likely). So, it’s not really relevant to this conversation.

The bar being on the floor for men has nothing to do with OLD. Women being in relationships you consider substandard and tolerating poor male behaviour has nothing to do with OLD. The patriarchy, internalised misogyny and the existence of crappy relationships predate the internet. Men who behave poorly and women with low expectations exist in real life and, however they met, would exist.

People go on OLD to find partners that suit them. A lot of them do find partners that suit them. Whether or not you, personally, would want their relationships is irrelevant to said people. They have been successful in what they set out to do and many have had a good time doing it. The dismissal of said success as either luck or low standards is very odd and you’re coming across as rather bitter, at this point. I’m going to leave you to it.

Most of the people I'm talking about! I know because they're my friends!

You're STILL not getting the point. I'm not blaming apps for how low the bar is for men. Apps are just technology. I'm blaming men. Where the apps have made things worse is they've created a perfect situation for the worst kind of men to easily connect with victims. A situation where you're now meeting a virtual stranger, with no knowledge of who he is, without having been able to observe him interacting with others. All of the little things we historically used to spot red flags are now largely taken away. People are able to project whatever image they want and so it's easier than ever for abusers and shitty men to worm their way into women's lives.

Several people here have said the same as me, so it's very weird you think it's just me being bitter and your experience must be the norm. I don't know a single woman in real life who doesn't despair of dating apps. So either you've got very lucky or you tolerate behaviour others might not, is the logical takeaway.

All my friends in shitty relationships think they've 'found a good one'. What I'm saying is, in my eyes, they haven't. I could also have a husband if I settled for what they had. I don't want to. My idea of a 'good one' is obviously drastically different to theirs, and it's probably drastically different to yours, too.

But yeah, you're just not getting it. Other people seem to get it just fine.

I thought Saysama's advice was something I'd bear in mind when trying online dating.

So it's worrying that people are saying it wouldn't be enough alone, as OLD has grown worse in the last couple of years? What additional advice would people give other than to avoid it completely?

I split up from my husband earlier this year so I'm not quite ready for OLD, and was thinking of later next year, but it sounds like a scary prospect.

@megustalacerveza I’m not talking about your friends, though. I never was. Nor have I insisted that my experience is the norm. I presented data on the U.K. population‘s usage of dating apps. Said data doesn’t become untrue because it isn’t your lived experience or that of your friends. If a third of relationships that began in the last five years began online, then OLD is clearly working for a lot of people (whether or not you would want their relationships). That is the logical takeaway. Which you, somehow, don’t seem to be getting.

Your musings on the perfidy of men aren’t relevant to what’s being discussed, which is people’s experiences and success with OLD. If you’re choosing to dismiss hundreds of thousands of people as being lucky or having low standards, that’s your choice. It’s an odd choice, but there you go.

OP asked for peoples experiences of OLD and I gave mine. You instigated this exchange, then repeatedly tagged me to argue with me. Not, several people, just you. So, yes, you’re the only one coming across as bitter. I’m sorry you feel this way.

@glassyshine As stated above, a solid third of relationships that began in the last five years began online. As only a fraction of the population is actually doing OLD, this indicates that it works for a lot of the people who attempt it.

The issue with posts like this is that you’re going to get comments from a lot of the people for whom it hasn’t worked being negative. Start a post about OLD success stories and get your boost from that? It’s not all sunshine and roses, but it’s certainly not all doom and gloom.

[quote Saysama]@megustalacerveza I’m not talking about your friends, though. I never was. Nor have I insisted that my experience is the norm. I presented data on the U.K. population‘s usage of dating apps. Said data doesn’t become untrue because it isn’t your lived experience or that of your friends. If a third of relationships that began in the last five years began online, then OLD is clearly working for a lot of people (whether or not you would want their relationships). That is the logical takeaway. Which you, somehow, don’t seem to be getting.

Your musings on the perfidy of men aren’t relevant to what’s being discussed, which is people’s experiences and success with OLD. If you’re choosing to dismiss hundreds of thousands of people as being lucky or having low standards, that’s your choice. It’s an odd choice, but there you go.

OP asked for peoples experiences of OLD and I gave mine. You instigated this exchange, then repeatedly tagged me to argue with me. Not, several people, just you. So, yes, you’re the only one coming across as bitter. I’m sorry you feel this way.[/quote]
I don't think it's at all odd. I think women's acceptance of low standards feeds into the entire problem, but that's another discussion for another thread.

Most women are afraid to be alone. Most women would rather choose the 'best available' option than be alone. That doesn't mean OLD is working in terms of finding good relationships, it means it's so prolific now that it's hard to date without it.

@glassyshine

I thought Saysama's advice was something I'd bear in mind when trying online dating.

So it's worrying that people are saying it wouldn't be enough alone, as OLD has grown worse in the last couple of years? What additional advice would people give other than to avoid it completely?

I split up from my husband earlier this year so I'm not quite ready for OLD, and was thinking of later next year, but it sounds like a scary prospect.

It's not that it's bad advice, it's more than it's just obvious. Most of us would automatically do all that and more. It's not some foolproof way of avoiding horrible men.

I would definitely wait until you're feeling stronger and more settled to start OLD because you need a very thick skin for it. My advice would be to try not to take it too seriously - I actually disagree with chatting for a long time beforehand because that can create a false intimacy and lead to huge disappointment on both sides if you meet up and there's zero chemistry or you don't get along in person. I'd treat it as a way to get in touch with people, meet for a coffee or a quick drink and assume it's not going to go anywhere. If you do end up hitting it off, then great.