DP has changed his mind... for now.

[Jem62]

NC for this as don't want it linked to previous posts. (*although posted on another similar thread with this NC)

My situation is, decided to try for 1st baby with DP (he already has DD8) a few months back. (After months of discussion/planning/getting excited etc and generally being on the same page about the entire situation). Came off the pill, decided we would 'see how things go' for a little while until I got my cycles back.

Well, I came down with a severe case of Baby Fever didn't I. It's like a switch had been turned on.

Then, after about month of that we hit a really rough patch, the worst it's ever been. No cheating, no big dramas etc. Basically we’d been bickering for a few weeks, the atmosphere was horrible. I’d turned a bit co-dependant. Some of the things we argued about he took as me being controlling (it never was meant to be like that, but I could see how he took it after we talked things through). He moved out for a few days saying he wanted space. Long story short, he came back, we decided to work through things. However, he has decided that he wants to put the trying for a baby on the back burner for now. He can't tell me how long for. He just says he needs time. He wants to make sure he’s not in a controlling relationship.

My issues are that -

1. I am not getting any younger. (31)
2. I have never TTC before, so I have NO idea if I will even be able to conceive naturally (and this comes with it's own problems e.g. if I can't, it'll push the entire process back months/years, then I fear I may end up resenting him and it’ll ruin us)
3. What if he never changes his mind back?
4. How long is he going to make me wait? How much time does he need? We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

The desire has completely taken over. I have never felt so maternal/broody in my life. I cry about it a lot. I think about it a lot. He knows how I feel to a certain extent but not entirely, as I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him.

Sex feels different now. He is using condoms which I hate. When he doesn’t ‘finish’ inside me (TMI sorry) it makes me feel cheap.

All sorts of irrational thoughts are running through my head, mainly about how I was ‘good enough’ for him to plan a baby/future with before but clearly I’m not now. How his ex was good enough to stick by and raise their child for the first years but I’m not. It’s ridiculous, I know. I feel like my personality is under the spotlight and I am just hanging around waiting for him to decide I am good enough again. It’s like I’m in some sort of limbo.

Every other aspect of our relationship is good again, better even. It’s just this issue.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, any thoughts welcome.

I wonder what were the things you were doing he took as controlling? And why do you say you became codependent?

Before I list some examples of my (ridiculous) co dependency I feel the need to say that I recognise I displayed stupid behaviour/thoughts and the two reasons for that was because I was insecure, but mainly because we’d lived in our little ‘us’ bubble for 2 years through lockdowns and not really socialising and looking back I was struggling with him adjusting to ‘normal’ life again (not an excuse, just a realisation I had when trying to understand my behaviour).

Some examples would have been;

• I felt offended (? For want of a better word) if he said he was going out to see his extended family / friends and taking his daughter, no invite for me

• I didn’t particularly like it when he went out all day seeing family and friends for 8/9hrs at a time with absolutely no contact

• I kind of felt like he was ‘checking out’ of the relationship by doing little things like taking nice pictures with his daughter on a day out that we’d organised for her while I’m stood there looking at them, whereas before he would’ve said something like ‘let’s all take a family picture together’ for example

Now I realise how ridiculous that all is. I didn’t go into detail in my first post because it didnt seem important as we both recognised stupid behaviours we were displaying and why, and agreed to work on them to be better going forward.

I'm not going to start guessing, but I suspect that he may tell it slightly differently. That's not me trying to kick you when you're down, but you need to understand that whatever your behaviour has been, it's affected him a lot.

What I mean is - you can't behave really badly, and then say sorry, and expect everything to be ok.

@cantgetmyheadroundit

I'm not going to start guessing, but I suspect that he may tell it slightly differently. That's not me trying to kick you when you're down, but you need to understand that whatever your behaviour has been, it's affected him a lot.

Oh I completely understand. Those were the examples he actually gave me. Him telling me he needed space and it all blowing up as to why, and him actually following through with it, really gave me a kick up the backside, trust me.

It’s been 5 weeks now since we agreed to work things out sorry, I should have mentioned that also.

Are you sure you want to have a baby with this man? He doesn't with you. Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't want a family with you

@cantgetmyheadroundit

What I mean is - you can't behave really badly, and then say sorry, and expect everything to be ok.

Yes totally understand you. I’ve taken steps to work on myself since and recognise not only my behaviour at that time but why I was acting like that.

I feel our relationship has greatly improved since and he agrees, we check in with each other about it often.

I think all you can do is give it some time, like maybe 4 months or 6 months, and if things stay good through that time then hopefully he'll be ready again. (You don't have to stay, of course, but if you do stay then you'll need to give him at least some time without applying loads of pressure.) How long has he been back with you so far?

Sorry, I see the 5 weeks part now - I typed too slowly!

I think he's being sensible. Any relationship problems that you have been going through so far will only be amplified with a newborn in the mix.

How long ago was the rough patch?

We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

Well - if he's still worried he's in a controlling relationship (and we have no idea about that, but it sounds like he may have, or had, legitimate worries), then he doesn't seem to agree that you are "really good".

And even if you have talked, and agreed to address behaviours, that's not an immediate solution. Anyone, male or female, would be advised to wait and make sure the other party followed through, before committing to something as huge as TTC.

Honestly OP you’re coming across as a bit crazy. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve scared him off. He probably wants some reassurance that he’s not with a crazy person.

I think it felt weird for a lot of people post lockdown when you were used to spending 24/7 with someone and then started living more independently again so your insecurity is quite natural. Were you horrible to him if he took a picture without you etc? Or just felt insecure and needed reassurance. If the first then he was right to get you to back off but if the second I would say it’s actually his behaviour that is now controlling as he has you dangling on a string.

We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

It has been 5 weeks, 35 days, he is not to know that it's all not going to blow up again when he starts going out with his DD and his friends, 5 weeks is nothing in terms of starting over again with the relationship.

I can actually see why you might be upset OP, taking pics without you where you would have been included before is quite hurtful. My exH used to do that, take lots of family pics but never included me and I felt like an onlooker if that makes sense, makes you feel excluded.

Perhaps you weren't codependent, more just picking up on signals that aren't right? It sounds like he doesnt really want a baby so is finding things to blame you for so it can't happen. Dont be too quick to blame yourself here OP although it's always a good thing to be aware of our own behaviours.

Hmmm I’m not convinced this is all your fault.. I wonder how serious he ever actually was.
I would be putting a strict time limit on all of this, oh and I think a wedding should be on the cards before a baby. Personally I would be cooling a bit towards him and slowing it down myself. Get out more without him (or his dd). Start building more of a life that doesn’t focus on him.

I'm struggling to see from your examples how you were controlling, as those are all your feelings not actual actions?

tbh I think your examples are totally reasonable feelings

Mmm I am not sure. Your examples sound a little odd but I can see how him behaving differently and appearing to be deliberately not including you in things he did before could be hurtful. I’m not sure i’d call your examples controlling in all honesty.

Don’t be so quick to push your feelings to the bottom of the pile below his. They’re valid, they just don’t align with his. I understand you feeling excluded from his family visits, why weren’t you invited? Don’t keep hanging on waiting, find someone else who is fully committed. I know what it’s like to want a baby desperately but don’t stick with this luke warm man in hope where you are perpetually silenced in case he doesn’t change his mind.

The behaviours you've described would not on the face of it be concerns for a controlling relationship. I doubt his credibility. He certainly seems to have checked out of sensitivity and empathy towards you and made you feel you're to blame for that.

I'm not a fan of hanging around waiting for someone else to decide my future - and really understand the broody urge' once you've made a decision but it really sounds like he is trying to find a way out...
but hasnt the guts to tell you ...

whilst your earlier behaviour sounds a bt over clingy doesn't sound that awful - I would expect to hear from my dh over the course of a day out ...especially if you usually would communicate lots but possibly he just wants a lessening of intensity or maybe he is getting cold feet

I would give myself a mental dealine like end of jan then park it and focus on other things for this period of time catching up with friends/hobby/crafting/gym /choir - whatever your thing is that isn't him... I'm not saying instantly ltb but try and get some space between you....

14:56Amberflames

How cruel. I see nothing crazy about her.

I don’t think he’s wrong to be cautious about TTC following a “rough patch” which resulted in you temporarily separating just few weeks back. He’s already got one child he doesn’t live with full time, I doubt he wants to make that two. Thinking that he must feel you aren’t good enough or being jealous of his ex being good enough, are disproportionate reactions.

To be honest, I’d agree with him that expecting him to contact you during the day whilst he’s out with friends or family comes across as controlling: if he’s told you where he’s going and who he’s with, he only really needs to contact you if e.g. plans have changed or his train has been delayed and he’ll be late home. I’d also not expected to be included in every family visit, either: I know sometimes I just want to visit my parents or siblings or cousin on my own and whilst I love DP, the dynamic changes when he’s there as well. I’d give him short shrift if he got shirty and offended and insisted on being invited and it would tarnish how I felt about him and our relationship.

Something is obviously not sitting right with him and he has taken steps to address that. He is going to try again with you but things feel different for him right now. Please respect his gut feeling over this as this is what is motivating him to press pause on TTC. He is being very sensible with this. As for your timeline then I would give it 6 months, see where you are with this and if it still isn't right then I would walk away and find someone else.