DP has changed his mind... for now.

[Jem62]

NC for this as don't want it linked to previous posts. (*although posted on another similar thread with this NC)

My situation is, decided to try for 1st baby with DP (he already has DD8) a few months back. (After months of discussion/planning/getting excited etc and generally being on the same page about the entire situation). Came off the pill, decided we would 'see how things go' for a little while until I got my cycles back.

Well, I came down with a severe case of Baby Fever didn't I. It's like a switch had been turned on.

Then, after about month of that we hit a really rough patch, the worst it's ever been. No cheating, no big dramas etc. Basically we’d been bickering for a few weeks, the atmosphere was horrible. I’d turned a bit co-dependant. Some of the things we argued about he took as me being controlling (it never was meant to be like that, but I could see how he took it after we talked things through). He moved out for a few days saying he wanted space. Long story short, he came back, we decided to work through things. However, he has decided that he wants to put the trying for a baby on the back burner for now. He can't tell me how long for. He just says he needs time. He wants to make sure he’s not in a controlling relationship.

My issues are that -

1. I am not getting any younger. (31)
2. I have never TTC before, so I have NO idea if I will even be able to conceive naturally (and this comes with it's own problems e.g. if I can't, it'll push the entire process back months/years, then I fear I may end up resenting him and it’ll ruin us)
3. What if he never changes his mind back?
4. How long is he going to make me wait? How much time does he need? We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

The desire has completely taken over. I have never felt so maternal/broody in my life. I cry about it a lot. I think about it a lot. He knows how I feel to a certain extent but not entirely, as I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him.

Sex feels different now. He is using condoms which I hate. When he doesn’t ‘finish’ inside me (TMI sorry) it makes me feel cheap.

All sorts of irrational thoughts are running through my head, mainly about how I was ‘good enough’ for him to plan a baby/future with before but clearly I’m not now. How his ex was good enough to stick by and raise their child for the first years but I’m not. It’s ridiculous, I know. I feel like my personality is under the spotlight and I am just hanging around waiting for him to decide I am good enough again. It’s like I’m in some sort of limbo.

Every other aspect of our relationship is good again, better even. It’s just this issue.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, any thoughts welcome.

I think he'd been sensible. It's the right thing to do, to make sure he's sure you've got a solid relationship before trying for a baby. I get that you've got ‘baby fever’ now and appreciate it's hard to backtrack, but I think at 31 you can afford to give him some time to feel secure in the relationship again. Also, have you considered that coming off the pill may have played havoc with your hormones? I've always been a bit all over the place any time I've stopped the pill. Just something to consider...

I think if you feel like he's a good life partner and that you can make things work, then you need to give him the chance to feel on the same page after your recent upset. Perhaps see where you are in 6 months and review things. If things stay in a good place and he is still is vague on when you can try again, you can have a discussion around committing to a timeframe.

@Alltheblue

14:56Amberflames

How cruel. I see nothing crazy about her.

I disagree. I think this is a bit of madness…

How long is he going to make me wait? How much time does he need? We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

The desire has completely taken over. I have never felt so maternal/broody in my life. I cry about it a lot. I think about it a lot.

Their relationship was so strained just a few weeks ago that he moved out. No wonder he doesn’t want to rush into having a baby with that level of instability. Sounds sensible to me. I honestly think that OP is crazy wanting to continue like nothing happened.

I completely understand why he's put it on hold. It's only been 5 weeks and you were exhausting judging by your examples.

If you feel left out and offended when he does things with his daughter without you, I can only imagine how you'd feel if he took his daughter out for the day and left your joint DC at home.

Once you have got to the point of jealousy or dependency that you did, it's really hard to stop feeling that way. He might be worried that you're just pretending to be ok with everything, which is completely understandable if he is.

You need time to be sure you're both happy that you have a healthy relationship.

It's only been a few weeks, that's no way near enough stability to even contemplate ttc after everything. He also has to think of his dd in all this.

Those examples you have given don't match the punishment imo. Don't push your feelings deep down because hes saying you have to change.

I personally would take a step back and observe the relationship as a whole rathet from the hole he's put you in. Give yourself a time limit to how long you're going to be under this weird spotlight and then make a decision on whether you want to be with him.

In the meantime you need a life outside him. Start that back up

I’m sorry to be blunt but think it’s best. It’s not co dependency. You’re being played. He’s in absolute control of this relationship, you, your life, your fertility and your feelings. The examples you’ve described would have upset me too. Can I suggest you go and get your fertility checked to give you reassurance that you are fertile and not on a ticking clock. Start taking some power back. You might also consider freezing some eggs as your back up plan. That then buys you 10 years. I had my first baby at 40 so take a breath and calm. Get yourself sorted and then you can think about the relationship. My feeling is you’ve been led up the garden path. You’ve been used through lockdown and as soon as that’s opened back up and he can be out he’s started behaving differently. It’s not codependency it’s your gut screaming at you that things aren’t right. He doesn’t really want a baby does he? He’s got a kid. You don’t. You’ve got more to lose. He’s got another 20 years to dick around. You don’t. Find someone who is certain about you and wants the same things. Now is the time. Lockdown has ended and there will be a lot of guys out there now wanting to meet someone. Don’t waste your youth and fertility on someone uncertain.

@gamerchick

Those examples you have given don't match the punishment imo. Don't push your feelings deep down because hes saying you have to change.

I personally would take a step back and observe the relationship as a whole rathet from the hole he's put you in. Give yourself a time limit to how long you're going to be under this weird spotlight and then make a decision on whether you want to be with him.

In the meantime you need a life outside him. Start that back up

Delaying trying to conceive a child is not a punishment. Surely you can see that, either way, this isn't a healthy situation to bring a baby into?

After a rough patch, it seems entirely sensible and reasonable for him to want to make sure the relationship is on stable ground before TTC. Have you been together long?

I feel like my personality is under the spotlight and I am just hanging around waiting for him to decide I am good enough again. It’s like I’m in some sort of limbo.

Because you’re feeling like that, I think you need to set a deadline in your mind of when you will walk away if things still don’t feel right for him.

Do you have any reason to suspect you may struggle to conceive? We are dealing with infertility and it will test even the most solid relationships.

You are having relationship difficulties. This is not the time to be trying to conceive.

Delaying trying to conceive a child is not a punishment. Surely you can see that, either way, this isn't a healthy situation to bring a baby into

I'm not on about the baby making.

Just 5 weeks ago you had the worse patch of you're relationship and he moved out.
Having that bad a patch after just 2 years together is a worry. The fact it was caused by you being unable to handle essentially not being centre of his attention is a full red flag - if you had posted here that your DP had kicked off because you were going to see your family etc you'd be told to run quickly from the waving red flags.

Regardless of the reasons, your relationship isn't stable right now. 5 good weeks is nothing, you can't fairly bring a child into this.

Sorry OP, I absolutely understand the overwhelming broody feeling but you're treating this as though he is punishing you for misbehaving- you need to reframe that. He's reacting to your behaviour and is correctly taking some time to do this.

As PPs have said, take babies off the table for 6 months. Don't talk to him about it, don't cry about it around him. Focus on your relationship, build it back up, get it to the point it could handle the stress and pressure a baby could bring, then revisit it.
Of course there is a risk he will say no but pushing now wouldn't be fair to him and is more likely to end the relationship anyway.

The man has already got one child from whose mother he is seperated, he is quite sensibly using an abundance of caution to try and ensure this doesn't happen again. I think you need to seriously back off and seperate the baby fever from the relationship, the latter has to work before the former can be acted upon. And you are 31, not 41

Also, there is a mention of co-dependency on this thread. If that's the case, address it ASAP.
Do you have your own friends? Do you go and see them and your family without him? If not, start doing so.
Same with hobbies etc, if you've stopped doing them since meeting him, start up again.
Make sure your finances are in a good position.
Make sure you're in the relationship because you want to, not because you're hoping to change his mind and have a baby with him.

Thank you everyone for your input, some really helpful insight. A lot of mixed replies! Although not sure calling someone who behaved out of character for a while, recognised this and is taking steps every day to be a better person 'crazy' is helpful, but thanks anyway.
(Also should have added to my excuses list of reasons why my behaviour turned strange and out of character was because I was still WFH full time/picking up the lions share of the housework and mental load when he was able to go out to work and see/interact with different people etc; this is one of the joint issues we addressed and are now working on with me going out to work a couple of times a week and him picking up more mental load)

To address a couple of points;

@Trisolaris thank you for your input. I would say it was a bit of both, I needed reassurance but I did act out of character, it got to a point where I was always in a bad mood, always on the verge of tears and everything was always a drama as my feelings were magnified in my head.

@Mermaidwaves your comment Perhaps you weren't codependent, more just picking up on signals that aren't right? is spot on. We talked, and he admitted subconsiously 'checking out' of the relationship because he felt he went into self-preservation mode, he backed off a bit due to his concerns and didn't realise it was showing through his behaviour.

@ComtesseDeSpair thank you for your comment. With regards to To be honest, I’d agree with him that expecting him to contact you during the day whilst he’s out with friends or family comes across as controlling: if he’s told you where he’s going and who he’s with, he only really needs to contact you if e.g. plans have changed or his train has been delayed and he’ll be late home.
He left the house at 12 noon with his DD to see family/friends, he asked for a shopping list that he could pick up on his way back as we had no food in the house (I was also in the middle of a very heavy period with rapidly disappearing sanitary towels that he'd agreed to pick up) and I had to text him at 8pm asking if I should just get dressed and go out and get the shopping.

@nocnoc thanks for your blunt honesty. He's definitely not used me for lockdown etc, we have just bought a house together this year. I can honestly say with 100% certainty that he's in this relationship for the long haul. But I do appreciate your insight.

*Just 5 weeks ago you had the worse patch of you're relationship and he moved out.
Having that bad a patch after just 2 years together is a worry. The fact it was caused by you being unable to handle essentially not being centre of his attention is a full red flag - if you had posted here that your DP had kicked off because you were going to see your family etc you'd be told to run quickly from the waving red flags.

Regardless of the reasons, your relationship isn't stable right now. 5 good weeks is nothing, you can't fairly bring a child into this.

Sorry OP, I absolutely understand the overwhelming broody feeling but you're treating this as though he is punishing you for misbehaving- you need to reframe that. He's reacting to your behaviour and is correctly taking some time to do this.

As PPs have said, take babies off the table for 6 months. Don't talk to him about it, don't cry about it around him. Focus on your relationship, build it back up, get it to the point it could handle the stress and pressure a baby could bring, then revisit it.
Of course there is a risk he will say no but pushing now wouldn't be fair to him and is more likely to end the relationship anyway*

Thank you everyone for your really helpful comments, especially this. Really helps put things into perspective. @FranklySonImTheGaffer

@Jem62

Before I list some examples of my (ridiculous) co dependency I feel the need to say that I recognise I displayed stupid behaviour/thoughts and the two reasons for that was because I was insecure, but mainly because we’d lived in our little ‘us’ bubble for 2 years through lockdowns and not really socialising and looking back I was struggling with him adjusting to ‘normal’ life again (not an excuse, just a realisation I had when trying to understand my behaviour).

Some examples would have been;

• I felt offended (? For want of a better word) if he said he was going out to see his extended family / friends and taking his daughter, no invite for me

• I didn’t particularly like it when he went out all day seeing family and friends for 8/9hrs at a time with absolutely no contact

• I kind of felt like he was ‘checking out’ of the relationship by doing little things like taking nice pictures with his daughter on a day out that we’d organised for her while I’m stood there looking at them, whereas before he would’ve said something like ‘let’s all take a family picture together’ for example

Now I realise how ridiculous that all is. I didn’t go into detail in my first post because it didnt seem important as we both recognised stupid behaviours we were displaying and why, and agreed to work on them to be better going forward.

I don't see your behaviour as ridiculous at all.

You went on days out that you'd both organised, you were ok to be present, but not to be in any pictures/memories of the day. Different if it's "let's all take a picture...now little Jane on the swings...now Jane and daddy...now let's all take one here" but that's not how it reads. You weren't in any.

Taking his DD to see his family, of course, he wants to take DD to see nanny and grandad, but that's not quality time for him and DD, that's for DD and GPs, so why exactly are you left at home? Again, with his friends, this isn't him taking DD out for time with daddy, he's going to a friend's (presumably because they have a child she plays with?) so why are you never invited?

The going out for 9 hours with no contact is debatable. "I'm going fishing for the day" then I wouldn't expect to hear for the whole day. Gone at 8am, back at 6 ish. Or is it, "I'm popping out" at 8am, then nothing until he comes back at 6, and you've been sat about wondering where he's gone, with no plans yourself because you didn't realise you were going to suddenly have 9 hours free, with no notice.

I don't really see anything wrong in your examples OP - why was there no invite for you to visit his family too? Why were you not in any photos when normally he'd call you into them? I would be hurt by these too.

As you say, he's admitted he was a bit checked out of the relationship and it's more that you've picked up on and reacted to that, so not sure how either of you are still blaming you for that?

That said, 31 is still pretty young and if you've only come off the pill this year then your cycles could still be settling back to normal anyway. I'd give it a couple of months without mentioning it and then revisit the idea. Hopefully he will feel more positive by then.

@Jem62 - you seem overwrought and entirely focused on having a baby. Can you get some counselling to help you deal with these intense emotions as these seem to be clouding your judgement and causing you to act in a way which is not in your best interest - not to mention jeopardising your relationship.

Your partner quite clearly does not want another child at this point. He is probably scared by the intensity of your 'need' for a child and has taken a huge step back and is making sure there is no accidental pregnancy.

To be honest, it looks like he is having doubts not just about having kids with you, but about the entire relationship. You need to address your (co-?)dependency and try and forge a life that is fulfilling to you with or without him. Otherwise you risk being consumed by these wants and desires and may end up driving him away.

Because you’re feeling like that, I think you need to set a deadline in your mind of when you will walk away if things still don’t feel right for him.

Absolutely agree with this. Keep it to yourself but decide when you will set your own deadline. Then you know you're not just sitting waiting indefinitely. You have agency too.

taking his DD to see his family, of course, he wants to take DD to see nanny and grandad, but that's not quality time for him and DD, that's for DD and GPs, so why exactly are you left at home? Again, with his friends, this isn't him taking DD out for time with daddy, he's going to a friend's (presumably because they have a child she plays with?) so why are you never invited?

DH is my kids dad and yet I don't always go with him to see his parents when he takes them, it's the same the other way round too. He will just say 'I'm taking the boys out on Saturday to x,y,z' or I'll say similar 'I'm taking the kids to mums Sunday, we will be back around 3ish'

We also don't go to each others friends houses together either, I really see no issue with his actions here at all.

I think you're going to have to give him some breathing space if you want the relationship to continue.

You've bought a house
Your relationship is about 2 years (not long)
You've talked about TTC
He had a DD from a previous relationship
The pandemic has been very hard in lots of relationships
You we're both so unhappy that you recently split.
You got back together again 5 weeks ago.

That's a whole lot of major life events in a couple of years.
And he has to show his DD stability

I think he's being sensible. Why rush? Dot do the next 6 months creating a happier and more equal relationship. Then bring the subject up again.

I totally empathise with the broody feeling. I've been there. It can be all consuming. But don't put pressure on him or yourself. You'd regret it.

I may have misunderstood your OP but, reading your examples, I can understand your insecurities. If you had been included in visits and days out before, then to start being excluded is a worrying change in behaviour and I would be upset. If you hadn't been included before bit you had started reacting differently then I can understand your DPs concerns.

31 is still young, you say things are better, go back to your previous contraception and see how things go. Set yourself a deadline as to how long you are prepared to wait - maybe 12 months. If he is still reluctant then make a decision to stay or go. Obviously you do not discuss a deadline with DP because it then becomes an ultimatum and things will not improve,
Good Luck

I see it time and time again, people on mumsnet making judgements about people they've never met, and describing what the person must be feeling or thinking, as if it's factual. What a way to wind up an obviously paranoid OP.

Sure, you can make an educated guess based on the information you've been given, and from observations of similar situations and how they turned out, but the OP's DP is an individual and believe it or not, not all men are clones with the same wiring.

That's not to say that the OP's DP is not doing anything wrong, but my point is you just can't know at this stage. It could be that the OP's partner is telling the truth and is not looking to screw them over somewhat.

But the best thing to do would be for the OP to tell her DP about her concerns, and they can talk about it. If OP feels off about it she can follow through with what she's prepared to do about it based on her circumstances.

@QforCucumber

taking his DD to see his family, of course, he wants to take DD to see nanny and grandad, but that's not quality time for him and DD, that's for DD and GPs, so why exactly are you left at home? Again, with his friends, this isn't him taking DD out for time with daddy, he's going to a friend's (presumably because they have a child she plays with?) so why are you never invited?

DH is my kids dad and yet I don't always go with him to see his parents when he takes them, it's the same the other way round too. He will just say 'I'm taking the boys out on Saturday to x,y,z' or I'll say similar 'I'm taking the kids to mums Sunday, we will be back around 3ish'

We also don't go to each others friends houses together either, I really see no issue with his actions here at all.

Presumably that's your choice not to go to your in-laws rather than a lack of invite for you from either them or your husband though?

It is a little different when the children aren't yours as there isn't always the same presumption of a general invite in the same way. My DP would always invite me, but like you I don't always go. I always know I am welcome though, which OP didn't feel is the case.

It could be that the OP's partner is telling the truth and is not looking to screw them over somewhat.

Thank you, this is exactly the situation. He is cautious, logical, sensible (everything I am not...!) and tbh, if I'm being totally honest, I know deep down that if he just said "ah f*ck it let's get back on track and have a baby!" it would be out of character and not how he handles situations at all.

Everyone, thank you for your really helpful insight. I can't tell you how much you've helped me see things a bit clearer.