DP has changed his mind... for now.

[Jem62]

NC for this as don't want it linked to previous posts. (*although posted on another similar thread with this NC)

My situation is, decided to try for 1st baby with DP (he already has DD8) a few months back. (After months of discussion/planning/getting excited etc and generally being on the same page about the entire situation). Came off the pill, decided we would 'see how things go' for a little while until I got my cycles back.

Well, I came down with a severe case of Baby Fever didn't I. It's like a switch had been turned on.

Then, after about month of that we hit a really rough patch, the worst it's ever been. No cheating, no big dramas etc. Basically we’d been bickering for a few weeks, the atmosphere was horrible. I’d turned a bit co-dependant. Some of the things we argued about he took as me being controlling (it never was meant to be like that, but I could see how he took it after we talked things through). He moved out for a few days saying he wanted space. Long story short, he came back, we decided to work through things. However, he has decided that he wants to put the trying for a baby on the back burner for now. He can't tell me how long for. He just says he needs time. He wants to make sure he’s not in a controlling relationship.

My issues are that -

1. I am not getting any younger. (31)
2. I have never TTC before, so I have NO idea if I will even be able to conceive naturally (and this comes with it's own problems e.g. if I can't, it'll push the entire process back months/years, then I fear I may end up resenting him and it’ll ruin us)
3. What if he never changes his mind back?
4. How long is he going to make me wait? How much time does he need? We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

The desire has completely taken over. I have never felt so maternal/broody in my life. I cry about it a lot. I think about it a lot. He knows how I feel to a certain extent but not entirely, as I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him.

Sex feels different now. He is using condoms which I hate. When he doesn’t ‘finish’ inside me (TMI sorry) it makes me feel cheap.

All sorts of irrational thoughts are running through my head, mainly about how I was ‘good enough’ for him to plan a baby/future with before but clearly I’m not now. How his ex was good enough to stick by and raise their child for the first years but I’m not. It’s ridiculous, I know. I feel like my personality is under the spotlight and I am just hanging around waiting for him to decide I am good enough again. It’s like I’m in some sort of limbo.

Every other aspect of our relationship is good again, better even. It’s just this issue.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, any thoughts welcome.

He left the house at 12 noon with his DD to see family/friends, he asked for a shopping list that he could pick up on his way back as we had no food in the house (I was also in the middle of a very heavy period with rapidly disappearing sanitary towels that he'd agreed to pick up) and I had to text him at 8pm asking if I should just get dressed and go out and get the shopping.

Why would you want to have a baby with this person?

I think you are far too available to him. Tell him you are making life plans without him. Let him hear you make bookings at the fertility clinic to discuss your “options”. Start making plans with friends and going out and having fun. Work on yourself. Be happy and healthy and breezy. Don’t be needy and whiny. Get on with your life and see if you actually need him or if you aren’t actually his “Nanny”. (Oh, and don’t be available to babysit his kid - ever.)

I wouldn't treat my partner the way he treated you as it was inconsiderate. Of course he will take photos of his DD, but he should take some with you too, to capture that you were there as his partner who he loves. Of course he takes DD out, but if he is bringing medication or sanitary items back he could have dropped that to you, even if they then went back out to let you have peace.

He doesn't come across as liking you or caring about your feelings. Over the next 6 months, with baby talk off the table, see if he demonstrates that your feelings matter to him or does he just want you there when it suits him.

The moods and teariness you described - could that be side effects from coming off the pill? If so, be kind to yourself

What was the timeline for buying a home together and planning a baby OP? Just pondering if he agreed to try for a baby and then when the house purchase was secured the mask dropped? Where was he living before you bought a house, was he independent and caring for his dd in his own place or has he moved out from parents. Two years in is when the "best behaviour" period starts to fade and you start seeing the real person. I think you should step right back and really think about this relationship. Two years, one of you already has a child and buying a house together, combined with pandemic life not being "real" life I think you both rushed into this.

I am feeling bloody angry for you OP. This tosser used you during lockdown, future faked about baby, had a tantrum about nothing, gaslighted you into thinking you were controlling and now has you on notice that you do as you are told or no baby for you. FUCK THAT SHIT and then fuck it again. He is a total arse and will not give you a child. Find your power OP, gather it together and get the hell out of there.