DP has changed his mind... for now.

[Jem62]

NC for this as don't want it linked to previous posts. (*although posted on another similar thread with this NC)

My situation is, decided to try for 1st baby with DP (he already has DD8) a few months back. (After months of discussion/planning/getting excited etc and generally being on the same page about the entire situation). Came off the pill, decided we would 'see how things go' for a little while until I got my cycles back.

Well, I came down with a severe case of Baby Fever didn't I. It's like a switch had been turned on.

Then, after about month of that we hit a really rough patch, the worst it's ever been. No cheating, no big dramas etc. Basically we’d been bickering for a few weeks, the atmosphere was horrible. I’d turned a bit co-dependant. Some of the things we argued about he took as me being controlling (it never was meant to be like that, but I could see how he took it after we talked things through). He moved out for a few days saying he wanted space. Long story short, he came back, we decided to work through things. However, he has decided that he wants to put the trying for a baby on the back burner for now. He can't tell me how long for. He just says he needs time. He wants to make sure he’s not in a controlling relationship.

My issues are that -

1. I am not getting any younger. (31)
2. I have never TTC before, so I have NO idea if I will even be able to conceive naturally (and this comes with it's own problems e.g. if I can't, it'll push the entire process back months/years, then I fear I may end up resenting him and it’ll ruin us)
3. What if he never changes his mind back?
4. How long is he going to make me wait? How much time does he need? We are good now, really good. So what is it that he's waiting for?

The desire has completely taken over. I have never felt so maternal/broody in my life. I cry about it a lot. I think about it a lot. He knows how I feel to a certain extent but not entirely, as I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him.

Sex feels different now. He is using condoms which I hate. When he doesn’t ‘finish’ inside me (TMI sorry) it makes me feel cheap.

All sorts of irrational thoughts are running through my head, mainly about how I was ‘good enough’ for him to plan a baby/future with before but clearly I’m not now. How his ex was good enough to stick by and raise their child for the first years but I’m not. It’s ridiculous, I know. I feel like my personality is under the spotlight and I am just hanging around waiting for him to decide I am good enough again. It’s like I’m in some sort of limbo.

Every other aspect of our relationship is good again, better even. It’s just this issue.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far, any thoughts welcome.

To be honest, if my DP was regularly disappearing off for whole days, with no contact and making it clear I wasn't invited when I would previously have been, I'd have also been upset.

I'm not convinced this man wants children with you.

@BourbonScreams

I'm struggling to see from your examples how you were controlling, as those are all your feelings not actual actions?

The key bit is what she did after those things happened which OP hasn't really explained

The key bit is what she did after those things happened which OP hasn't really explained

Sorry, I did expand on this in response to a PP that asked the same, I said I admit I did act out of character, it got to a point where I was always in a bad mood, always on the verge of tears and everything was always a drama as my feelings were magnified in my head. Being with me wasn’t fun, it wasn’t happy, I wasn’t the woman he met.

@Triffid1 in response to To be honest, if my DP was regularly disappearing off for whole days, with no contact and making it clear I wasn't invited when I would previously have been, I'd have also been upset.

I should’ve been more clear, it wasn’t a regular thing. This happened once or twice. Which in the grand scheme of things wouldn’t be an issue, but it was during a particularly rough time where everything was tense and we were bickering all the time, so in my head it was magnified. We’ve since discussed it, and he explained that it just doesn’t occur to him to check in when he’s out for the day - fair enough - I explained it’s not usually a problem, I think it’s because we went from being in each other’s pockets 24/7 due to 2 years of lockdowns to the other extreme of absolutely no contact when he’s out for the whole day; he took on board my feelings and has made an effort to at least check in once, and I have made a conscious effort to realise its not the issue I originally thought it was.

*to at least check in once if he’s out for the day

If you were arguing so much he moved out I don't think its wise to try for a baby right now. Give it at least 6 months. You are only 31. Expecting him to contact you when he is on a day out with friends is a bit needy.

If it's only been 5 weeks since you've started to work things out then it's far too early to start trying.

I appreciate that you really want this, but look at it from his perspective.

You've had a break for a period of time this year, had the issues that you mentioned above, and have only been back on track 5 weeks.

If I were him I definitely wouldn't want to commit to trying for a baby yet.

Do you understand his point of view?

To be honest, if my partner went out at 12, to see a friend, and armed with a shopping list because I was having a heavy period and no sanitary pads, and there was no food in the house, I wouldn't expect to have to text him at 8pm asking where he was.

That's completely ignorant and disrespectful on his behalf. 8pm is well past a young child's tea time, so presumably he'd sorted him and DD out, but OP is left there, with no food.

And yes, she could have gone out and got them herself. But when you are expecting someone who has gone out to do the food shop, to return, and they haven't notified you otherwise, why would she?

Sex feels different now. He is using condoms which I hate. …he doesn’t ‘finish’ inside me

I don’t blame him. He is taking responsibility for his own fertility. Under the circumstances you have outlined, I would be doing exactly the same.

OP I think you do need to have your own life, so have fun out with friends and your family.

Don’t shoulder all the household and ‘wife’ work. Let your P do the bulk of care for his DD and equal chores around the house.

Also give yourself a mental deadline. If he never changes his mind is that OK for you or is a child of your own a deal breaker.

To me he doesn’t sound that into you.

Oh and ttc makes everyone crazy. Anyone who has been ttc and not fallen pregnant in the first few cycles becomes obsessed.

I’d also go get checked out to ensure there’s nothing actually wrong.

The only thing that stands out to me is the way he's phrased things as being, "I need to make sure I'm not in a controlling relationship". He's put all the blame on you when it takes two people to cause arguments/bickering, and that feels a bit manipulative to me. None of the examples you have given are controlling (because you expressed your wants, you didn't coerce him into doing anything). Needy maybe, but they're understandable and a more reasonable partner would try to get to the bottom of WHY you were feeling that way and talk it through, instead of labelling you CONTROLLING and leaving you, walking out of the relationship in a huff.

I would find it very manipulative if a partner constantly left the relationship when things got tense - you need to think about whether that is a trait you enjoy? His style of dealing with conflict? Will he do that when you have kids too - the minute he gets pissed off or gets the wrong impression about you, he packs his bag and says he needs space? Did he apologise for that and agree it was a very overblown response?

That too is controlling btw - creating an environment where someone is too scared to make the wrong move in case their partner leaves them.

I don't know for sure, but I feel like at some point he has had a change of heart about kids and doesn't want to admit that to you. And has now placed you on probation so he can get out if by saying it's your fault with some dumb excuse.

I do agree however, now is definitely not the right time to have kids. You both have a lot of relationship building to do. I'd give him a few more months and see what HE is doing to get your relationship back to an even keel - and working towards having children.

Your behaviour is most definitely not crazy, and totally in line with what most people expect in long term relationships. You are not co-dependent but it is interesting you are being made to feel you are.

Secondly what happened with his first child and her mother? Maybe it was very stressful and difficult, ruined their relationship? Difficult to bond? Couldn't have sex afterwards for a very long time. In order to really understand where he is coming from you - look at his past experience. He may love his dd very much, but we won't know what the labour was like or what happened to them, and maybe he is fearful of a repeat. Given he is no longer with his dd's mother maybe it really did ruin them or he felt left out/pushed out? I am also wondering if he is worrying about the financial element of two children, the impact on his current child etc. He is worried he will support everyone?

This is more than just about your broody feelings op respectfully.

I would readily agree to putting everything on hold, and spend some time casually asking him about his experiences, how he sees the 'perfect' future and what he loves/didn't love about the baby years. You need to find out where the flash points are before carrying on any further.

You are only 31 not 41. You are about to make the biggest decision of your life, don't rush it and make sure it is right.

The only thing that stands out to me is the way he's phrased things as being, "I need to make sure I'm not in a controlling relationship". He's put all the blame on you when it takes two people to cause arguments/bickering, and that feels a bit manipulative to me. None of the examples you have given are controlling (because you expressed your wants, you didn't coerce him into doing anything). Needy maybe, but they're understandable and a more reasonable partner would try to get to the bottom of WHY you were feeling that way and talk it through, instead of labelling you CONTROLLING and leaving you, walking out of the relationship in a huff.

Massively this.

I don't know for sure, but I feel like at some point he has had a change of heart about kids and doesn't want to admit that to you. And has now placed you on probation so he can get out if by saying it's your fault with some dumb excuse.

And this.

The more you mull it over, you've not been controlling at all. He is dismisses your feelings, excludes you, and is disrespectful, and if you (dare to) point this out, and show your perfectly valid upset, he's off, because you're "controlling".

You argued because you called him out and were sticking up for yourself. And now he's made it all your fault, and you're so sorry for how you've behaved, he's back, now you know the line you have to tow.

Big red flag.

I think he is being controlling for a reason, is what I am really saying, you need to find out what happened last time.

Maybe he sees a pattern of lovely, happy sexy dp turning into hormonal pregnant no fun woman - he doesn't sound that committed to expanding the family, he just wants fun - I would tread carefully before having a child with a man that is constantly looking for 'happy and fun' as once you stop being that he may be the kind to look elsewhere for that quality. And there is nothing 'fun' or 'sexy' about averaging 2 hours sleep for months and end with a screaming infant and leaky boobs.

Both of you would have to be crazy to bring a baby into this mess. Your relationship simply isn't strong enough.

Every time I have ever felt 'needy' in a relationship it is always because MY needs are generally not being met or my life/needs etc are constantly second best to his.

If you are finding you are having to plead for him to treat you with respect, and to care about the things that are important to you (such as calling home at some point during the day) and he isn't sitting with you to work out how you both move forward from this, then I would suggest this relationship is definitely not for you, and if you plough ahead and have a baby with a man like this you will always be the junior partner jumping to his tune.

You were not being controlling. He's pushing you away, so of course that hurt.

Its typical gaslighting. He pushes you away, you address the issue, but he turns it around to you.

I think he's changed his mind about TTC and is making this a 'you' problem.

Move on.

Your desire to have a baby is making you look at the situation differently and you are minimizing the hurt he caused you in the first place. In the hope of a baby with him?

Find someone else on the same page.

Sorry to say this, but I think you should boot him to touch.
Everyone has moods & disagreements, you are broody, he got your hopes up.
Going off all day with other friends/family, taking photos etc is totally insensitive behaviour in the context.
Stop grovelling, your hopes & dreams count, how low will you stoop ?
This is a rubbish dynamic

I agree with mollysdolly and Todaysdilemma
I think if someone changes their behaviour to you when you have made such a commitment as buying a house and planning to TTC, then it is likely that your moods will also change. There are two people in this dynamic and to suggest it is all down to you being controlling and/or co-dependent is wrong.
Basically now you have a situation where you have to wait it out on your best behaviour while he decides what he wants and in fear of him changing his mind again even if he does decide that TTC is on the cards.
I do understand why you feel cheap with the sex - he is happy to use you for pleasure but not give you what you want in terms of TTC. So you are selling yourself short, so to speak.

Those examples aren't controlling at all. I would have my feeling hurt to.

OP, not the point of the thread but did your bad moods, feelings, etc became worse after you started TTC?

I see you said you came off the pill, when I came off the pill I had about two rough months of horrible and I mean horrible mood swings and uncontrollable emotions, they were so bad I haven't touched another contraceptive pill since just in case I have to come off them again.

@MollysDolly

To be honest, if my partner went out at 12, to see a friend, and armed with a shopping list because I was having a heavy period and no sanitary pads, and there was no food in the house, I wouldn't expect to have to text him at 8pm asking where he was.

That's completely ignorant and disrespectful on his behalf. 8pm is well past a young child's tea time, so presumably he'd sorted him and DD out, but OP is left there, with no food.

And yes, she could have gone out and got them herself. But when you are expecting someone who has gone out to do the food shop, to return, and they haven't notified you otherwise, why would she?

I feel this way too. And if I’m carrying all the mental load and dp going out, then my relationship would have been in crisis too with me initiating, and I’ve been there. If he’d broken up with me because of my tears and simmering resentment in the early years of our relationship whcih were because he did fuck all, that sounds like good riddance, and absolutely definitely do not have a child with him. So if these are the best examples that even he can think of to give you Im struggling to see his side of this, or that he’s a good man to have a child with. Especially if you’re not married. Are you financially independent? I’d be a bit worried for you being a sahm dependant on this man, waiting at home 8 hours for nappies and things you need now because he said he was going to the shops and went out instead. What would happen if you said brightly ive been thinking bf and we should wait on baby, I’d prefer to have a baby with someone who’s decided we’re permanent enough he wants to marry me. Focus on yourself a bit- your career, your life. NOT the housework, step back from that!

I'm not sure if the examples you gave were controlling or not - it depends how you showed your hurt feelings and if his behaviour had changed. If someone has always done something (eg said let's take a family pic) and then doesn't (so starts leaving you out suddenly) then that's hurtful and it's a normal human reaction to be asking why. Demanding that he text you when he is visiting his family is a bit OTT though.

Either way though he is completely right, you've been back together a few weeks, that's not exactly a stable relationship. Babies test even the strongest relationship, its knackering, the most stressful thing you can ever do, and will break you if you're not solid. And 'it's been good for 5 weeks' is not the definition of solid.

If you were 39 you may have a point but you have years before age is a factor in fertility. Make sure you're with the right person first

I actually think that the concerns you listed aren’t “ridiculous” at all and are valid.

You went through a bad patch, you weren’t happy and nor was he. You took time apart and now things are really good.
Your bad patch was 5 weeks ago. That is no time at all, certainly not enough time for all parties to be certain that this is the right relationship moving forward. You can’t even think of TTC while the relationship is in the state it’s in. A child needs to be bought into a relationship that is as strong as it can be, we all know that things can happen in any relationship, but one where one partner is unsure this is the right decision is unfair.
You’re 31, you don’t need to panic about having a baby this minute.
Work on your relationship, see how it goes. See how you both feel in the coming months. Maybe there are red flags for you within this relationship, but your desire to have a baby is overtaking everything else. Just take your time so allow yourself the chance you feel what is right. This place is rammed full of women with babies , DC who are unfortunately stuck in miserable relationships with men they hate because they have DC, which often makes leaving so much harder for everyone.