Is this financially controlling?

[Meadow7]

Hi I (22F) have been seeing my boyfriend (29 M) for about 8 months. We have been talking about moving in together recently however I am afraid too. He is very successful and works as a manager with an engineering firm while I am a teach assistant, he physically earns 5 times my salary. He however wants us to split the apartment 50/50, which I cannot afford unless I put all my money into it. I suggested we get a cheaper apartment which I can afford easily and he has refused. He states that if I need clothes or money to see friends I just need to ask him and he will provide. With this apartment I will have about £40 left a month for myself. I am stuck now to wether I move in with him or not. There are also other red flags in the relationship as he doesn’t always respect my boundaries and is very clingy and intense. I just feel like this will be a deal breaker for me not to pay up and I potentially just won’t be able to move in with him, it also feels controlling like I may be paranoid but I will basically penniless after with my salary while it won’t even dent his wage.

Don’t do it. Listen to your gut.

Trust your gut, don't move in.

Don’t move in with him. It’s too soon and he has no respect for your budget and you’ll end up financially dependent on him.

Run away run away run away.

Don’t ever move in with someone where you have red flags! How would you ever escape if you had £40 to your name each month? Ask him to provide your running-away fund?

Dump this one and move on.

Definitely don’t move in! 8 months is no time at all and you’re only 22!

Reflect on whether you want to date him at all.

Red flags

Whats the hurry, if your not 100% sure which your not then just wait and see how things are in 6/12 months. Your so young don't rush.

Yes that would be lovely wouldn't it, going to him cap in hand begging for money for haircut or new pair of shoes. Who will pay the bills on the luxury apartment? So will he be 'in charge' of when you can use the heating etc. He sounds awful Op.

Nobody who loves you would even suggest this.

Don't move in with him. If I was you I would also be questioning whether or not to stay in a relationship with him.

This is nuts and very controlling.

I would dump him now. This is not a relationship you at all want to be in. The red flags re him are all too apparent in your post.

I would also suggest you read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft, this person will be in those pages.

End it
Anyone who suggests 50-50 in this situation does not have your best interests at heart.
Your gut is screaming at you for a reason. He is not a nice man

Instinct is a great thing when we listen.

You would be trapoed once there.

When you do actually meet Mr Right you will look back on this time of your life with a full appreciation of how wrong this guy is. In my early 20s I met a guy, ignored my gut instinct and it resulted in 3 very unhappy years where I was trapped, in part, because I was in so much debt trying to keep up with his lifestyle.

If he "will provide" why wouldn't he just pay the bulk of the apartment cost, Or both pay the same percentage of your salaries for the rent?
As the previous posters said, trust your gut and don't move in..
In your shoes. ( which I assume you didn't have to ask him for money to pay for, like a child going to it's parent ) , I would be very careful with him.

When I read your post, my first thought was "Run!"
Please don't fall into the trap that he appears to be setting.

No!

It is fair to "pay your way" but if so the bar must be set to what you can afford. He is insisting on a high standard of living but you have to pay half of it - erm, nope!

I am very very suspicious that he insists you will pay half the rent/bills but when you point out you will have no personal money he says he will "give you what you need". Like fuck will he. Even if that was true, how humiliating to have to go and beg him for cash every time you need sanpro or a new winter coat. I bet he would interrogate you as well ... "do you REALLY need this?"

Run away fast. He is bad news.

If a friend suggested both sharing a flat and they had x5 income. You say I can’t afford this I’d have nothing left they say no
I want this one I’m not going cheaper. You say they aren’t a good friend. Either they compromise and move smaller and cheaper flat or they offer pay more of costs.

At best I’d say well I’m going need £50-100 month for my personal expenses so instead of me asking you and him arguing the odds do you really need that? Why not him just pay that much extra a month? If after all he’s happy to let it go anyway what difference will it make? I suspect the I give you what I need will never arrive.

Listen to your gut
Yes he is controlling
Dump and find someone else

I agree that if he was happy to ‘provide’ he’d be happy to either pay a fairer proportion of his income compared to you for the pricier house or rent a house with that is more within your means.

Well done on spotting how wrong this is, your instincts are yelling at you and you appear to be listening. That’s really good and means you won’t sleepwalk into a financially abusive situation.

If he’s already clingy and intense, seems logical that wanting to make you financially dependent on him is a drive for him. If you’ve no spare money it would make it a lot harder to leave and get new housing.

If he is not prepared to compromise, neither should you.

With £40 per month you will be essentially stuck - not able to save and not able to spend.

How many red flags are you waiting for? 5? 10? 20?

Absolutely this is financially controlling. Please don't do it OP.

NO !!!
Your gut is correct listen to it

He's basically telling you he wants you to rely on him. Biggest red flag