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Original poster

Is this financially controlling?

107 replies

Meadow7 · 30/11/2021 07:46

Hi I (22F) have been seeing my boyfriend (29 M) for about 8 months. We have been talking about moving in together recently however I am afraid too. He is very successful and works as a manager with an engineering firm while I am a teach assistant, he physically earns 5 times my salary. He however wants us to split the apartment 50/50, which I cannot afford unless I put all my money into it. I suggested we get a cheaper apartment which I can afford easily and he has refused. He states that if I need clothes or money to see friends I just need to ask him and he will provide. With this apartment I will have about £40 left a month for myself. I am stuck now to wether I move in with him or not. There are also other red flags in the relationship as he doesn’t always respect my boundaries and is very clingy and intense. I just feel like this will be a deal breaker for me not to pay up and I potentially just won’t be able to move in with him, it also feels controlling like I may be paranoid but I will basically penniless after with my salary while it won’t even dent his wage.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/11/2021 11:16

He's suggesting you have £1.30 a day to live off so that he can have you completely under his control.

Its terrifying that you see so many red flags but haven't broken up with him.

He's effectively planning to force you to live in a very nice cage with no independence.

He's a bad man.

Wherearemymarbles · 30/11/2021 11:26

You say he is needy and clingy.

What better way to bind you to him than by making you financially dependent on him.

If you move in with him you will be allowing him to financially control you. Run for the hills and when you get there keep running!

tarasmalatarocks · 30/11/2021 11:45

An absolute no no OP— if it goes wrong you will be incredibly stuck . You tell him what you can afford for rent and bills and allowing yourself at least 40% of income left for other stuff and work round that for a flat or you go for ‘that’ flat and he pays the difference and you pay in what you have stated you can afford— — if he can’t do that in good grace then have a good think about the relationship for the future too.

KosherDill · 30/11/2021 11:46

@Wherearemymarbles

You say he is needy and clingy.

What better way to bind you to him than by making you financially dependent on him.

If you move in with him you will be allowing him to financially control you. Run for the hills and when you get there keep running!

This.

You are so young. Don't bind yourself to a needy, controlling arsehole. He's not a good person.

KosherDill · 30/11/2021 11:47

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He's suggesting you have £1.30 a day to live off so that he can have you completely under his control.

Its terrifying that you see so many red flags but haven't broken up with him.

He's effectively planning to force you to live in a very nice cage with no independence.

He's a bad man.

Exactly.

Please see this, OP.

namechange5575 · 30/11/2021 11:47

In no way does he have your best interests at heart. This is at the beginning and it will only get worse. He sees you as someone to make his life easier / better, not as a person in your own right, to whom he has a duty to equally make your life better.

billy1966 · 30/11/2021 11:56

He is a bad man.

He has ABUSIVE written all over him.

End things.
Block him.

Do not hesitate to contact the police should he turn nasty.

Be very very careful.Flowers

Just10moreminutesplease · 30/11/2021 11:58

That is a MASSIVE red flag OP. Listen to your gut.

HollowTalk · 30/11/2021 12:00

Far too many red flags and this is after just a few months. God knows what'll happen if you stay together for years. He's selfish, controlling and greedy. He doesn't respect your boundaries.

Run as fast as you can away from him.

Skeumorph · 30/11/2021 12:00

Wow, no!

Dump him - this is SUCH a bad start that the only good advice here is to move on to a far, far nicer person.

  • you've not been together long. He's already keen to move in together, sees himself as totally in charge of that process and decision making, and is trying to set up a situation where you effectively have no money and have to ask him for it?

Someone who would even suggest such an arrangement has no interest in a relationship of equals.

8 months in, the only good advice is to get rid asap. Waste no more time on this would-be controlling abuser.

honeylulu · 30/11/2021 12:20

I missed the bit in your OP about him being clingy, intense and not respecting your boundaries. His financial proposal is in that case not just unfair but terrifying. He's worked out it is a way of "owning" you.

Samedaysame · 30/11/2021 12:20

Please may I have some money for my bus fair, petrol, lunch? Why what have you spent your vast amount of £40. 0n? I had to pay for my 3 prescription items last week when I was poorly. Sorry I have over spent this month you will have to walk to work....This could be your conversation with him the first few weeks. Run as fast as you can

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/11/2021 12:22

Run.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 30/11/2021 12:27

Youwill be trapped from the moment you move in. Asking for permission to spend, cannot afford an escape route and passing all control of your finances, social life and decision making over to him. Do not do it!!!!
If he loved you he wouldn't even suggest what is in effect him taking all of your money and decided what you can spend as a couple.
RUN NOW - you're 22!!!

Beautiful3 · 30/11/2021 13:01

Listen to your gut, it's right. Why would you leave yourself in a vunerable position. Imagine only having £40 for the entire month!! Having to ask for money for clothes and a night out?! If you do this, then you only have yourself to blame.

WorkBitch · 30/11/2021 14:15

Run away.

You’re 22. If there’s red flags 8 months in, it’s likely these will get worse.

Don’t waste the best years of your life

LookItsMeAgain · 01/12/2021 13:49

Between this and the issues you're having with him wanting sex including anal which you've already said no to but he keeps pestering you about it my advice is

RUN

RUN FAST

RUN AWAY

DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING FURTHER TO DO WITH THIS MAN

DITCH HIS SORRY ASS AND FIND SOMEONE BETTER FOR YOU

Sorry for shouting but as others have posted, you don't seem to be taking this advice on board, so maybe by shouting, you'll hear the message a bit clearer and it might sink in...I hope.

Bellyups · 01/12/2021 13:52

PLEASE DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM

I’d also really reconsider this relationship. There are so many red flags.

Rugsofhonour · 01/12/2021 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

wavingwhilstdrowning · 01/12/2021 14:04

Yeah, this combined with your latest thread - WTF are you doing? Seriously. If both true you need to run a mile and then keep running.

PleasantBirthday · 01/12/2021 14:06

I don't think the OP is reading any of this, to be honest.

irene9 · 01/12/2021 14:10

As others have said.
He's not your Dad. He's trying to own you. He thinks you are a possession not a person.
I presume he lovebombs you then threatens you with abandonment in order to make you feel insecure.

Don't move in with him. You'll be in a prison. You'll feel 'safe' from the Big Bad World, which is what you are craving, but god only knows what'll go on inside those prison walls.
If he financially controls you then that reduces your freedom even more.

StopGo · 01/12/2021 14:15

He’s financially controlling, you don’t want to have sex with him and he’s trying to coerce you into anal sex.

What exactly are his good points ?

NursieBernard · 01/12/2021 14:15

Don't do it! Do not make yourself financially reliant on this man. Follow what your gut instinct is telling you.

Pallisers · 01/12/2021 14:17

Don't do it. And seriously reconsider this relationship.

You are so young - your life ahead of you. Why would you give your entire salary to an apartment and be beholding to a needy controlling man who has no consideration for your actual circumstances.

Please OP. This will be one of the decisions you'll look back on and either say "god that was when I got stuck" or "phew dodged a bullet there"

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