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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this financially controlling?

107 replies

Meadow7 · 30/11/2021 07:46

Hi I (22F) have been seeing my boyfriend (29 M) for about 8 months. We have been talking about moving in together recently however I am afraid too. He is very successful and works as a manager with an engineering firm while I am a teach assistant, he physically earns 5 times my salary. He however wants us to split the apartment 50/50, which I cannot afford unless I put all my money into it. I suggested we get a cheaper apartment which I can afford easily and he has refused. He states that if I need clothes or money to see friends I just need to ask him and he will provide. With this apartment I will have about £40 left a month for myself. I am stuck now to wether I move in with him or not. There are also other red flags in the relationship as he doesn’t always respect my boundaries and is very clingy and intense. I just feel like this will be a deal breaker for me not to pay up and I potentially just won’t be able to move in with him, it also feels controlling like I may be paranoid but I will basically penniless after with my salary while it won’t even dent his wage.

OP posts:
millerpie · 30/11/2021 09:21

Imagine your best friend telling you those exact words about a guy she’s dating.
Listen to your gut, it’s not wrong.

YungWaffle · 30/11/2021 09:23

It's nothing to do with "gut". Putting yourself in a position where you're financially reliant on a single person's goodwill towards you is categorically stupid. The whole institution of marriage exists because of how poorly this often turns out.

Sprostongreen21 · 30/11/2021 09:23

Pretty much echoing everyone else’s opinion. No no no!
If he is happy to give you money why can’t he just pay more share. It’s a short relationship I shouldn’t be having to rely on him for money so he can move where he wants. No way. Don’t do it. What if he turns round and says no when you ask? Easily trapped and under control. Nope.

WildStallyn · 30/11/2021 09:30

DH and I were similar ages when we moved in together, and he earned about 1.5 times what I did. We immediately set up a joint account for bills/essential costs. We kept similar amounts back in our personal accounts to spend as we wish, meaning he contributed more to the joint account.

16 years, a mortgage and 2 DC later we still have the same arrangement, varying the amounts we contribute according to fluctuating costs and earnings. It means neither of us is ever left short or has to justify routine spends like clothes or meals out.

Your post is ringing serious alarm bells, with that arrangement all of your discretionary spending would need to be approved by him. Don't do it.

Lozzerbmc · 30/11/2021 09:31

Always trust your instincts.

Move on and leave him behind.

TherapistInATabard · 30/11/2021 09:32

He sounds awful, please dump him!

NoodlesPoodles · 30/11/2021 09:32

So instead of him dividing the cost fairly based on what you both earn or getting a cheaper place that you can afford, he wants you to spend almost your entire wage each month on rent so that you can then beg him for money once the £40 has gone. And I guarantee that he won't be giving you money every time you need it- it will all come with terms and conditions, and you will have to follow his rules because "I give you money so you owe me". If you want to go out for the night with friends he might be generous and give you £20 if you're lucky, but then when you need money again he won't be keen to hand over more because he's already given you money this month and why didn't you save the money he last gave you, you need to learn to budget better, you're irresponsible with money so now I can't trust you with any more etc etc etc. So then the next time you want to go out you'll be thinking "well I really need to buy so-and-so a birthday present next week so I can't go out tonight with friends because I need to save that money for the present", and you will become more and more controlled and isolated.

Honestly OP, do not move in with him whilst this if the only offer on the table. Given there are this many red flags only 8 months into this relationship I personally would end it, however, if you don't feel you can do that then you need to at least bide your time before moving in and get to know him better. Someone who cares about you wouldn't put you in this situation.

EmpressCixi · 30/11/2021 09:34

It’s a trap that is designed to lure you into financially controlling relationship. Don’t agree to it. When living together costs should be split proportional to your wages assuming you both work FT (or are trying to get more hours to be FT).

So you should only move in if you pay 1/6th of the rent and bills. To pay 50% and be left with £1/day to your name is financial abuse.

Embracelife · 30/11/2021 09:39

No
Don't

muddyford · 30/11/2021 09:43

Another vote for no.

FinallyHere · 30/11/2021 09:52

He however wants us to split the apartment 50/50

I don't know what you would call it, I would definitely not go ahead on that basis.

If he insists ate the start in making it soooo unfair for you, it will never get better. Is that how you want to live?

Be glad that you have discovered this this early in the relationship. Throw this one back.

Justcallmebebes · 30/11/2021 09:53

Hell would freeze over before I'd go cap in hand to any bloke asking for money on a regular basis.

Take the good advice offered and don't move in. Not with this financial set up anyway

WhenSepEnds · 30/11/2021 09:53

@Meadow7

Hi I (22F) have been seeing my boyfriend (29 M) for about 8 months. We have been talking about moving in together recently however I am afraid too. He is very successful and works as a manager with an engineering firm while I am a teach assistant, he physically earns 5 times my salary. He however wants us to split the apartment 50/50, which I cannot afford unless I put all my money into it. I suggested we get a cheaper apartment which I can afford easily and he has refused. He states that if I need clothes or money to see friends I just need to ask him and he will provide. With this apartment I will have about £40 left a month for myself. I am stuck now to wether I move in with him or not. There are also other red flags in the relationship as he doesn’t always respect my boundaries and is very clingy and intense. I just feel like this will be a deal breaker for me not to pay up and I potentially just won’t be able to move in with him, it also feels controlling like I may be paranoid but I will basically penniless after with my salary while it won’t even dent his wage.
Absolutely not! You're going to get yourself stuck. RED FLAGS ALL OVER THIS!!! Also suspect his finances may not be as rosy as he is making out or he would be happier to contribute more surely if it's going to leave you with such little money each month? I would avoid avoid avoid
frozendaisy · 30/11/2021 10:02

When we got our first flat, rented, DP earnt about double, so he paid rent, this was London, I paid bills, he paid for sky TV because I didn't care and entertainment out almost all of it, he didn't once question his considerable more financial input. He never wanted me to be skint or ask for spending money off him.

You are a grown adult. You should have independence. In many ways not just financial, having to ask to buy a new pillow is not it.

PleasantBirthday · 30/11/2021 10:11

To echo what everyone else has said here, do not move in with this man. Personally, I'd say it's time to break up with him. He does not respect you and frankly, I'd be raising an eyebrow at the age difference here. Given his behaviour, it seems to me that he's trying to make you dependent.

Do not finance the lifestyle ambitions of this person by working to pay for the place he wants to live in while having to beg for tampons.

fortheloveofallthings · 30/11/2021 10:14

Absolutely do not move in with this man. He sounds controlling already and he will have slot more control over you once you're under one roof with no money. Run a mile in the opposite direction.

wingingit987 · 30/11/2021 10:23

When I move in with my oh I would pay a percentage of my wage but not 50/50. I would be worried if he's like this now what will he be like when you have children.

Akire · 30/11/2021 10:27

Plus your income is never going go up on a TA wage his is likely to keep going up at his age. We see this time time again here. He make you get into more and more debt then be all shocked when he discovers you owe £5000 on a credit and now you can’t pay towards house deposit or a holiday. He then say you can’t be trusted with money let’s pay it in his account you will not have a single penny. Maybe while you also have a baby so even more worse up then now. There is no happy ending here.

MarshmallowSwede · 30/11/2021 10:30

Absolutely do not move in with this man. He is ok with you having only £40 a month.

And being told to ask him for money to go out and buy clothes. So any time he does not want you to do something or go anywhere he can say no and because you don’t have any money you are stuck.

Do not do this unless you want to be isolated and stuck and unable to leave this man.

And this man doesn’t care about your well-being. No man who cares about you would want you to have nothing for yourself .. unless he wants to control you. You do the math.

Trisolaris · 30/11/2021 10:34

No way! Eithe you split it 50/50 at a place within your budget, or if he wants somewhere more expensive then he pays the extra. Never give someone that much power over you, particularly after only 8 months and with no legal protection. Him suggesting it is a major red flag!

KatharinaRosalie · 30/11/2021 10:35

if I need clothes or money to see friends I just need to ask him and he will provide.

"Honey, if we pay 50-50, I WILL need money to, you know, live. As you are so generous and happy to provide, I will ask straight away to share the apartment proportionally to our respective incomes."

Nothing wrong with 50-50, if you are both working - but then he needs to compromise and get a place you can actually afford. This is all about control, that you need to go and beg and justify every purchase.

Antsgomarching · 30/11/2021 10:36

Dump him, he’s not a good person and he’s trying to leave you penniless and reliant on him to leave the house or see friends.

TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 10:40

Regardless of moving in, this stands out:

There are also other red flags in the relationship as he doesn’t always respect my boundaries

A red flag is a STOP sign. If you see red flags in a partner/relationship, you leave. You don't try to work your way round it/make different decisions etc, any more than you try to work your way around a red traffic light.

You just stop.

TheFoundations · 30/11/2021 10:42

And in a logical sense, if 'all you have to do is ask', then you have asked him, haven't you. And he's said no. That's what happens when you ask him: he works out whether doing what you want is good for him, and then says no if it isn't.

foxy86 · 30/11/2021 11:05

I agree, you need to dump him or give it more time. If you have good family support and good friends discuss with them, I’m sure they will agree that you need to get rid or hold off. If you are paying 50/50 is that without a food shop and essential buys like sanitary products? Imagine having to run to him for money for period products as you have no money left, is that something you want to have to do every month? Keep your freedom, you are sooooo young!