Is this financially controlling?

[Meadow7]

Hi I (22F) have been seeing my boyfriend (29 M) for about 8 months. We have been talking about moving in together recently however I am afraid too. He is very successful and works as a manager with an engineering firm while I am a teach assistant, he physically earns 5 times my salary. He however wants us to split the apartment 50/50, which I cannot afford unless I put all my money into it. I suggested we get a cheaper apartment which I can afford easily and he has refused. He states that if I need clothes or money to see friends I just need to ask him and he will provide. With this apartment I will have about £40 left a month for myself. I am stuck now to wether I move in with him or not. There are also other red flags in the relationship as he doesn’t always respect my boundaries and is very clingy and intense. I just feel like this will be a deal breaker for me not to pay up and I potentially just won’t be able to move in with him, it also feels controlling like I may be paranoid but I will basically penniless after with my salary while it won’t even dent his wage.

YEs it does so many red flags run now when you can

@Cloverforever

Nobody who loves you would even suggest this.

This ^ No reasonable person would want you to have to ask for money to go for a drink with friends or buy some clothes.

This gives him absolute control over where you go, what you do, whether you put petrol in your car.

Run away as fast as you can. This with the other red flags is worrying.

No bollocks to that. Dh has always earned less than me. We worked out what he could afford to pay and then we akways had our own separate spending money for clothes and going out etc You must not get yourself into a sitation where you have to go asking for basic things.

So you hand over all your wage. And he gives you it back in bits when you ask for it?

If he said 'hey have your wage paid to me' would you do it?

I'm so glad you picked up on these red flags OP, this is not a good man and you do not want to put yourself in that position. Why would you want to bankroll his expensive choice of apartment then go begging for spending money?
You can do much better than this man. Dump him and keep those boundaries strong.

It’s fair enough to go fifty fifty but he needs to then live someplace you can afford, as you cannot afford this then the answer is no.

Ask him what he’d do if it was the other way around. Would he like coming to you to ask for money for clothes or a hair-cut? He’s an idiot.

Apart from the other red flags, in situations like this, people either go for a place the lowest paid can afford and split 50/50, or each person pays according to their ability - ie if one person earns double the other person, the rent is split to reflect that.

If he’s not financially controlling, he’s immature, selfish and thoughtless. Don’t move in with him.

As mentioned, you need to leave this relationship as he is setting you up in a controlling relationship with him being in control.

However, in future, if a partner isn't suggesting proportional investment in a shared living space then you have a problem. So if you are earning the same then 50/50 is fine. But if one earns 5 times as much then they should pay 5 times as much towards the joint shared expenditure. So you'd pay 1/6 and he'd pay 5/6 of the total living expenses.

And never agree to go to a man cap in hand for spending money. You know it is wrong, so have the courage of your convictions and say no.

Absolutely not. Imagine if you moved into this flat, and then he left you at some point, leaving you to cover all of the rent alone.

He’d be putting you in a position of reliance on him, and that’s especially dangerous with a clingy man who doesn’t respect your boundaries.

Its a run away from me too op. Your gut is correct.

You know £10 a week isn't enough to live on.
This isn't a partnership with him dictating the budget and splitting of costs.

Echoing everyone. Run, run, run.

No!
Run, as fast as you can.

Even if it weren't financial control (it is) it's completely impractical. Financial independence is essential and non-negotiable. if he wants a 50:50 split then you choose the flat. If he wants to live somewhere more expensive then the rent should be weighted by salary with him paying way more.

That aside a 29 year old being clingy and not respecting the boundaries of his 22 year old partner is MEGA ICK. I don't think that age difference is weird when it's a healthy relationship, but based on what you've described he appears to want someone he can control, not an equal.

You can (and will) do better. He isn't the one for you. Do not move in with him yet.

Not a chance, listen to your instincts you’d be mad to agree to this it’s a ridiculous idea and leaves you totally reliant on him.

Even if you did get him to agree that he pays a higher % of the rent costs instead that fact he even suggested this and thought it was acceptable is a huge red flag.

Run away, now while you’ve got no other commitments to him.

Yes, do not do it. I made that mistake. Mine put pressure on me and it turned out he was rushing things to hide his true character. I wish I would have paid attention to the red flags. I even felt flattering that he wanted me to move in as naively thought it was love. Not my dear trust yourself and those feelings.

Run for the hills!

If he were decent and non controlling the maximum request would be you pay 1/6 he pays 5/6 of all bills. This still leaves him with much more disposable income each month.

£40 a month would be gone on one meal out or a couple of birthday presents. It’s not even enough for a tank of petrol or a haircut. Can you imagine having to ask for money for these things, every time?
Absolutely don’t move in with him. You’ll be trapped if you do. Also, the fact that he is ‘intense’ and doesn’t always respect your boundaries means you should end the relationship.

Bollocks to that. No to moving in and I am pretty sure you are much better off without him. ‘You have to pay half but if that leaves you completely broke you can always beg me for some money to buy things you need.’ ??? Bleurgh.
When dh & I were 23 we got engaged, we didn’t yet live together and I did a savings budget for both of us to pay for the wedding. I set it so I contributed twice what dh did each month as I could afford it, because obviously he needed money to live on and go out and spend on himself.

Do not move in with this man. When I first moved in with my partner he earned about 5 times my salary too. He paid all the 'house' costs and I gave him approx a quarter of my salary each month towards it. We split food.

Ditch him!!

No way. You could never survive on £40 a month and I wouldn’t trust him to give you money when you ask or without you feeling bad for asking.

You can have a relationship without living together you know, I had no intention of living with a man until I was over 35. I enjoyed being free in my 20s, no way would I be tied down to a fucking controlling man.

I second everyone who has said this is financial control, please don't do it.

Listen to us and run fast and run far from this man. He doesn't have your best interests at heart - to put it mildly.

You are not a child to be doled out pocket money.
Reject his nonsense.
Tell him you are happy to wait until something comes up that you can both afford.