Unsolicited colleague advance

[clartins]

I’ve just received the following message from a colleague after a general conversation regarding a purchase.
Him: Brilliant! Good luck and keep me informed. Love you loads xxxx
Me: I’m back in the office Wednesday 😊
H: Look forward to seeing you then ❤️
H: You always look ace! X
M: Thanks but I think you need to go to Specsavers 🥸
H: No! I dare not say too much unless I scare you/ offend you!
H: If you want me to be open I will be?
M: I think less said is best 🤐
H: OK xxx

We have a laugh at work, he’s married, I’m very happily married for 25 years and in his presence I’ve had conversations regarding how I would never cheat as my father had an affair and it devastated the family. I don’t know whether to go down the head in the sand, say nothing route or to confront him but this would have to be in the presence of a colleague. I’ve done nothing to encourage him.

I think you we're encouraging him a bit. The brushing emoji and the Specsavers comment. They we're a bit flirty/fishing. And your last message isn't firm enough. It could be read as: "Ah, we shouldn't talk like this".
Don't talk with him like this again and if he sends any more kisses or inappropriate messages, make it crystal clear.

Blushing

There has obviously been slightly more to it if he feels comfortable enough to say he loves you

To be honest, the “love you loads” would have stopped me in my tracks. But it didn’t seem to phase you? This is a work colleague? I would find that extremely odd. Dodgy ground here, I would say absolutely nothing but stick to purely work related conversation from now on. He will get the message.

I agree - why on earth did you reply to “love you loads xxxx” with anything expect “wtf”

Problem with text is it's hard to emote a point in the same way you would in a face to face conversation. Perhaps keep your conversation face to face and in work.

@IfIHadAHeart

There has obviously been slightly more to it if he feels comfortable enough to say he loves you

I can categorically tell you that there hasn’t been!

I think your interpretation of not encouraging him and actually encouraging him are two different things!

Love you loads? The fuck?

Does your husband of 25 years know about this little friendship? Would you show him these messages?

@LSLLM

I agree - why on earth did you reply to “love you loads xxxx” with anything expect “wtf”

You’re completely right, naively I thought it was a joke

He's really inappropriate.

Tell him to tone it down.

Here's how I would have replied

Him: Brilliant! Good luck and keep me informed. Love you loads xxxx
Me: I’m back in the office Wednesday
H: Look forward to seeing you then ❤️
H: You always look ace! X
M: No response
There wasn't any need to reply.
It would've end there.

I would let it go for now and hope he got the hint. If he persists, even just one more inappropriate comment, you have to come down on him harshly, with no equivocation.

I would block him from your phone, no more texting or communicating outside of work, and keep your face to face totally businesslike.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Love you loads? The fuck?

Does your husband of 25 years know about this little friendship? Would you show him these messages?

I have shown him the messages

I don’t think I would have replied to these messages at all

@Aquamarine1029

I would let it go for now and hope he got the hint. If he persists, even just one more inappropriate comment, you have to come down on him harshly, with no equivocation.

I would block him from your phone, no more texting or communicating outside of work, and keep your face to face totally businesslike.

Good advice, thank you I’ll do that

Why respond to the "love you loads" thing with a blushing emoji.
I would have completely ignored that as it sounds like it was the end of a conversation about some work thing anyway. And then only messaged him when I needed to update him on whatever it was he wanted to be kept informed about.

And the Specsavers thing didn't help either! I know you say you haven't done anything to encourage him but a) how did it get to the stage of him writing "love you loads xxxx" and b) you haven't done anything to actively discourage him either.

Shut this down now by dialling back the messaging and replying only in a business like manner.

I can see you're just trying to be friendly. Unfortunately he needs a firmer hand

I wouldn't do anything but adjust your style because that's likely to have fewer repercussions for you. But if he doesn't get the hint immediately it's going to be harassment at this rate.

So when he says love you loads you either ignore it or say 'presume that last sentence was meant for someone else as I'd find it inappropriate and know you would too'

Rather than thanks but spec savers comments, I would either ignore (give him a chance to drop it) or something along the lines of 'my appearance has no bearing on this, hope you can keep that in mind going forward'.

He has never said anything remotely flirty or over-friendly and then all of a sudden says love you loads?

I honestly thought this was just a smiley face 😊

Me too.

Maybe it is and they're wrong.

It may seem a bit incredulous that the op hadn't done anything to warrant this ott conversation but I think we should be a bit careful not to go down the 'she must have been asking for it' route here. On face value if nothing like this has happened before and it did indeed come from nowhere then it's inappropriate.

@IfIHadAHeart

He has never said anything remotely flirty or over-friendly and then all of a sudden says love you loads?

Correct

You need to be less polite here, OP.

As women we are generally brought up to not offend, be pleasant, keep things comfortable.

Get into the habit of being forthright and calling out inappropriate behaviour / messages when you see it:

It will feel odd at first but will save you from situations like this in future.

@Alltheblue

I can see you're just trying to be friendly. Unfortunately he needs a firmer hand

I wouldn't do anything but adjust your style because that's likely to have fewer repercussions for you. But if he doesn't get the hint immediately it's going to be harassment at this rate.

So when he says love you loads you either ignore it or say 'presume that last sentence was meant for someone else as I'd find it inappropriate and know you would too'

Rather than thanks but spec savers comments, I would either ignore (give him a chance to drop it) or something along the lines of 'my appearance has no bearing on this, hope you can keep that in mind going forward'.

Good advice, do you think I should say nothing or something when I return to work? We’re in the same building but not in the same dept/office