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Original poster

Unsolicited colleague advance

85 replies

clartins · 28/11/2021 22:51

I’ve just received the following message from a colleague after a general conversation regarding a purchase.
Him: Brilliant! Good luck and keep me informed. Love you loads xxxx
Me: I’m back in the office Wednesday 😊
H: Look forward to seeing you then ❤️
H: You always look ace! X
M: Thanks but I think you need to go to Specsavers 🥸
H: No! I dare not say too much unless I scare you/ offend you!
H: If you want me to be open I will be?
M: I think less said is best 🤐
H: OK xxx

We have a laugh at work, he’s married, I’m very happily married for 25 years and in his presence I’ve had conversations regarding how I would never cheat as my father had an affair and it devastated the family. I don’t know whether to go down the head in the sand, say nothing route or to confront him but this would have to be in the presence of a colleague. I’ve done nothing to encourage him.

OP posts:
Original poster
clartins · 29/11/2021 11:15

@Theturnofthepoo

Oh hold on so it wasn’t a work conversation anyway? I’m confused.
I’ve been off work this week with annual leave and I received a message via messenger of just ‘hi there’ my reply was ‘y’alright, we’re adding to the family 🐾’ he’s got dogs, we’ve just lost a dog after 13 years. We had a messenger chat about where/when/what type of dog and the rest is there for you to see. Nothing to infer that I was interested in anything other than the new dog.
OP posts:
Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 11:18

Oh ok. Who knows. He went a bit full on though that’s for sure.

Original poster
clartins · 29/11/2021 11:28

@ChudraWouldaShouldya

I think your interpretation of not encouraging him and actually encouraging him are two different things!
What do you mean? Good grief, I know I didn’t tell him to eff off but I hardly think that conversation would be classed as encouraging him.
OP posts:
BudgeSquare · 29/11/2021 11:32

I hardly think that conversation would be classed as encouraging him.

Quite a lot of women posting here have explained why.

I would never have used the smiley/blushing emoji nor made the fishing/faux-self-deprecating specsavers comment.

But then I wouldn't have accepted the 3 kisses or the 'love you loads' comment either, so the conversation wouldn't even have reached that stage.

EinsteinaGogo · 29/11/2021 11:40

@BudgeSquare

I hardly think that conversation would be classed as encouraging him.

Quite a lot of women posting here have explained why.

I would never have used the smiley/blushing emoji nor made the fishing/faux-self-deprecating specsavers comment.

But then I wouldn't have accepted the 3 kisses or the 'love you loads' comment either, so the conversation wouldn't even have reached that stage.

@BudgeSquare

You may not have. Many women would, because they are wrong-footed and don't know how to extract without feeling rude / think being self deprecating is deflecting / backing off, etc etc.

They can also feel they're imaging it / reading it wrongly.

Also the emoji think - easy to think a smiley face is a smiley face.

Let's not blame the victim here. This guy has overstepped the mark. OP is the one dealing with the anxiety resulting from his actions.

She knows now. Supper her - Don't stick the boot in.

EinsteinaGogo · 29/11/2021 11:42
  • support , not supper
Rissole · 29/11/2021 11:48

This approach may have worked for him in the past OP.

See it as that. A fishing trip. I used to get shit like this from my BIL who is as sleazy as fuck. I used to ask if he's been hacked all the time he's so gross.

Original poster
clartins · 29/11/2021 11:51

nor made the fishing/faux-self-deprecating specsavers comment
Not fishing at all, thanked him for the compliment and made a joke to show that I didn’t agree.
He knows I’m married, he knows my views on infidelity, he tried it on whether he was bored, pissed or not he crossed a line that all the other males in my working and personal life haven’t.
He’s married he instigated the conversation, he’s in the wrong. If it happened again would I handle it differently? Yes but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I didn’t create this situation but I have ended it!

OP posts:
Hoolahupsaresquare · 29/11/2021 12:00

You were absolutely encouraging him as you did not say “please stop flirting with me it is inappropriate and I don’t like it”.

Why didn’t you ? Confused

You need to speak to him and say very clearly his messages were inappropriate and he needs to only speak with you regarding work matters in future.?

Original poster
clartins · 29/11/2021 12:17

@Hoolahupsaresquare

You were absolutely encouraging him as you did not say “please stop flirting with me it is inappropriate and I don’t like it”.

Why didn’t you ? Confused

You need to speak to him and say very clearly his messages were inappropriate and he needs to only speak with you regarding work matters in future.?

By not shutting something down abruptly does not infer encouragement. As previously stated in my OP and subsequently my views on infidelity are out there as he was previously party to a conversation with a mutual colleague whose wife had an affair. I think my exact words at the time were “my DH knows that I would never cheat on him as my Dad had an affair that devastated me and I could never do that to my children”
OP posts:
layladomino · 29/11/2021 12:21

His messages were clearly fishing for something more. You were polite (possibly too polite, but I know that's easy to say with retrospect) and shut it down.

I would leave it now. I'd distance myself a bit, just to underline that I wasn't interested in him. Not rude / obviously avoiding him, as that will make it a bigger deal, but just cool enough for him to be clear.

If he approaches you again, then you will be ready to be more clear that you're not interested, as he will have shown he doesn't take polite hints.

Hoolahupsaresquare · 29/11/2021 12:22

You did more than not shut down or object.

You actively continued an inappropriate conversation and even added happy face to a deeply inappropriate comment and then appeared to fish for compliments.

I’m aware women are conditioned to be kind but part of that is being clear with others where boundaries are and that’s essentially what you need to do now.

Hoolahupsaresquare · 29/11/2021 12:24

I appreciate fishing for compliments wasn’t your intent but within the context of the conversation it may well have appeared that way.

Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 13:20

Why are you all talking about affairs at work

EarringsandLipstick · 29/11/2021 13:31

I just can't get over him writing 'love you loads xxx' after never having given the faintest indication he felt like that, and you just reply normally.

I tried it out (mentally!) on one or two of my male work colleagues. I just couldn't imagine it. If it happened, I'd have dropped the phone with shock. I don't know if I'd have replied, I'd say I'd have done nothing - but I wouldn't have continued the conversation as if nothing had happened.

Did you not just feel 'wtf'? 😳

Original poster
clartins · 29/11/2021 13:37

@Theturnofthepoo

Why are you all talking about affairs at work
A mutual colleague was telling me how his wife had left him for a consultant and I then said that my husband didn’t have to worry about that happening as I would never have an affair because of my father’s extramarital affair.
OP posts:
SarahBellam · 29/11/2021 13:54

Just say ‘stop being weird. You sound dodgy as hell and I don’t like it’.

Didimum · 29/11/2021 14:07

God, this guy's poor wife.

Alltheblue · 29/11/2021 14:29

You were absolutely encouraging him as you did not say “please stop flirting with me it is inappropriate and I don’t like it”.

Accusing someone of encouraging unwanted attentions by the simple act of failing to be rudely assertive is a misogynistic and cracked road to go down. Stop it.

BudgeSquare · 29/11/2021 14:43

Bollocks is it misogynistic. If one of my colleagues said "love you loads xxx" I wouldn't just continue the conversation as normal, and I certainly wouldn't send blushing smiley faces and remind him when he'd next be seeing me.

The whole thing is massively inappropriate and cringey. I find it difficult to believe that a woman of 50 years old thinks this is OK.

BudgeSquare · 29/11/2021 14:44

@EarringsandLipstick

I just can't get over him writing 'love you loads xxx' after never having given the faintest indication he felt like that, and you just reply normally.

I tried it out (mentally!) on one or two of my male work colleagues. I just couldn't imagine it. If it happened, I'd have dropped the phone with shock. I don't know if I'd have replied, I'd say I'd have done nothing - but I wouldn't have continued the conversation as if nothing had happened.

Did you not just feel 'wtf'? 😳

Yes to all this.
PicsInRed · 29/11/2021 15:00

The OP is being sexually harassed by a married man who obtained her phone number and messaged her whilst she was on leave, under the guise of asking where she was and then chatting about dogs, then chucked it straight into inappropriate territory, all but soliciting an affair.

Support the woman, don't tell her she encouraged him. Hmm

EinsteinaGogo · 29/11/2021 15:03

Theturnofthepoo
Why are you all talking about affairs at work

A mutual colleague was telling me how his wife had left him for a consultant and I then said that my husband didn’t have to worry about that happening as I would never have an affair because of my father’s extramarital affair.

OP - I think you are a very kind and innocent sort of person. Hopefully this bit of a shock will give you a wake up call.

This sort of conversation / personal detail is also quite dangerous to get into with colleagues. It's sharing too much of yourself and allowing the 'my wife didn't understand me' kind of conversations (even though this was a different colleague').

This isn't good chit chat for the office / office socials so you may really want to have a think about your boundaries.

Try to stick to Bake Off & Bond in future - much less problematic !

Alltheblue · 29/11/2021 15:05

I don't know if I'd have replied, I'd say I'd have done nothing - but I wouldn't have continued the conversation as if nothing had happened.

Yeah believe it or not women get raped that way sometimes. Shock doesn't always trigger a timely response except sometimes trying not to antagonise or acknowledge. I wonder if you think they encouraged it too.

Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 15:14

Op hope you are not too hurt by these comments, the post by @EinsteinaGogo is spot on and I’ve found out the hard way. Sometimes you just have to keep boundaries with the topics at work. But look I don’t think you encouraged him I guess messengers etc have made emojis and maybe false affection normal so I do get some of it. I think another poster was right he is probably a bit of a fisher, maybe when drunk or alone or whatever who knows.