Unsolicited colleague advance

[clartins]

I’ve just received the following message from a colleague after a general conversation regarding a purchase.
Him: Brilliant! Good luck and keep me informed. Love you loads xxxx
Me: I’m back in the office Wednesday 😊
H: Look forward to seeing you then ❤️
H: You always look ace! X
M: Thanks but I think you need to go to Specsavers 🥸
H: No! I dare not say too much unless I scare you/ offend you!
H: If you want me to be open I will be?
M: I think less said is best 🤐
H: OK xxx

We have a laugh at work, he’s married, I’m very happily married for 25 years and in his presence I’ve had conversations regarding how I would never cheat as my father had an affair and it devastated the family. I don’t know whether to go down the head in the sand, say nothing route or to confront him but this would have to be in the presence of a colleague. I’ve done nothing to encourage him.

That’s a very odd conversation, on both sides.

He has not held back from sending you a message he KNOWS could cause some discomfort. "If you want me to be open I will be"

So you can do exactly the same back.

Send him a message " Back off, shut up, stop making a fool of yourself. ".

Such a response of “please stop sending such messages it is inappropriate” would hardly be rude under the circumstances.

This man is not a mind reader - if you give no indication that their flirting or behaviour is unwanted or disliked they won’t know. Therefore you need to say so or not respond.

If your response only involves further conversation and a smiley face he’s unlikely to think his message was not ok.

This is clearly not the case from your posts here but it’s easy to see why he may assume it was.

@BudgeSquare

Bollocks is it misogynistic. If one of my colleagues said "love you loads xxx" I wouldn't just continue the conversation as normal, and I certainly wouldn't send blushing smiley faces and remind him when he'd next be seeing me.

The whole thing is massively inappropriate and cringey. I find it difficult to believe that a woman of 50 years old thinks this is OK.

I get on well with this person, I thought it was unusual but no way did I think it would go the way it did. I’ve already said that I thought it was a regular smiley face and it wasn’t a case of this is when you’ll get to see me again, my reply was I’m back in the office Wednesday, not I’ll see you Wednesday. I’m questioning myself, I asked my DH do you think I encouraged him? He says of course I didn’t and that my co worker crossed a line and I haven’t done anything wrong. I was only asking for advice regarding whether to ignore him or to confront him. I feel foolish enough as it is without the character assassination thanks.

This is clearly not the case from your posts here but it’s easy to see why he may assume it was.

It really isn't.

Perhaps not for you.

It’s almost as though different people may interpret things differently. Hence the need to be clear to people when something is unwanted.

OP I hope when you do back off or clarify your colleague takes it with good grace and respects your wishes.

If he doesn’t you might want to consider speaking to management or HR.

I think you should stop having conversations with him on text/messenger when you're on annual leave for starters! Unless he's a very good friend outside work even, why are you bothering to chat to a work colleague on your time off? Do you not questions why he felt the need to message you when you're having time off with family - just to chat and ask when you're coming back. Even without the 'love you' that's odd behaviour esp since you don't work together!

Please don't be naive enough to think that just because you've told him you would never cheat because of your dad, this man has the same boundaries. Obviously a chancer trying his luck. Stop all messaging with him that doesn't directly relate to work. You are not obligated to reply just because someone has texted. If he asks you why you haven't, just say you've been busy. Start taking a lot of space - and if he starts questioning you, let him know that you found this message exchange inappropriate and that it's best you keep all comms to work. He lost his right to your friendship the minute he crossed that boundary.

@EinsteinaGogo @layladomino*@Monalotmoore @Theturnofthepoo* @PicsInRed @todaysdilemma
Thank you all for your advice it’s really helped me a lot.

It’s almost as though different people may interpret things differently. Hence the need to be clear to people when something is unwanted.

Hence the need to not flirt with your colleague who has done nothing to encourage it.