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Original poster

Unsolicited colleague advance

85 replies

clartins · 28/11/2021 22:51

I’ve just received the following message from a colleague after a general conversation regarding a purchase.
Him: Brilliant! Good luck and keep me informed. Love you loads xxxx
Me: I’m back in the office Wednesday 😊
H: Look forward to seeing you then ❤️
H: You always look ace! X
M: Thanks but I think you need to go to Specsavers 🥸
H: No! I dare not say too much unless I scare you/ offend you!
H: If you want me to be open I will be?
M: I think less said is best 🤐
H: OK xxx

We have a laugh at work, he’s married, I’m very happily married for 25 years and in his presence I’ve had conversations regarding how I would never cheat as my father had an affair and it devastated the family. I don’t know whether to go down the head in the sand, say nothing route or to confront him but this would have to be in the presence of a colleague. I’ve done nothing to encourage him.

OP posts:
Original poster
clartins · 28/11/2021 23:32

@EinsteinaGogo

You need to be less polite here, OP.

As women we are generally brought up to not offend, be pleasant, keep things comfortable.

Get into the habit of being forthright and calling out inappropriate behaviour / messages when you see it:

It will feel odd at first but will save you from situations like this in future.

Thank you Noted I’m hoping that it never happens again, at 50 I don’t need this!
OP posts:
Happierthanever91 · 28/11/2021 23:34

It is a smiley face emoji, not a blushing emoji.

Momijin · 28/11/2021 23:37

I would tell him that you've shown these messages to your husband because you weren't comfortable and he should show them to his wife!

Starseeking · 28/11/2021 23:38

What did your DH think of those messages when you showed him @clartins?

Original poster
clartins · 28/11/2021 23:43

@Starseeking

What did your DH think of those messages when you showed him *@clartins*?
He agreed with me that they weren’t appropriate. We had a conversation whether he’d been hacked as it was so unexpected. He trusts me to deal with it.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2021 00:42

"Just realised that you wrote love you in your message earlier and I assume it was an error as obviously that would be inappropriate and make me uncomfortable. Thought I would flag in case you noticed your mistake later and were embarrassed. No need to discuss it again, I prefer to keep things professional to avoid awkward situations, thanks."

Something like that. It gives him an 'out' - not that I especially think he deserves one but I appreciate you could do without the hassle of dealing with a back and forth on this.

Ugh why is it (presuming this really is out of the blue) that any remote kindness makes some people feel entitled to assume you want to shag them.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2021 01:00

This would in no way excuse his behaviour, but I wonder if he had been drinking.

PurpleSneakers · 29/11/2021 01:39

@Aquamarine1029
"This would in no way excuse his behaviour, but I wonder if he had been drinking".

^This. It crossed my mind also.

Alltheblue · 29/11/2021 02:41

I would be cool and courteous if he's slightly sheepish but say nowt unless he continues. I wonder if he's drunk and will be mortified in which case he might bring it up and apologise.

Alltheblue · 29/11/2021 02:42

Oh everyone is thinking this.

alexdgr8 · 29/11/2021 03:10

@EinsteinaGogo

You need to be less polite here, OP.

As women we are generally brought up to not offend, be pleasant, keep things comfortable.

Get into the habit of being forthright and calling out inappropriate behaviour / messages when you see it:

It will feel odd at first but will save you from situations like this in future.

very good advice.
Seaweedhair · 29/11/2021 07:16

I totally get why you responded as you did, I would have done the same, keeping it light and trying to move things on - until the messages took a dark turn at the end.

The advice of others is probably right here though. I'm not great at handling these things but have in the past just tried to ignore/avoid the person until the friendship was basically dead in the water.

Rissole · 29/11/2021 07:31

I think I would have asked if he sent the text to the right person.

Polmuggle · 29/11/2021 08:33

@Happierthanever91

It is a smiley face emoji, not a blushing emoji.
It is a blushing emoji. It's like an 'aw shucks cute blush smile' rather than a normal polite 🙂

Moving past the bizarreness of the 'love you loads' is the issue with 'ill say more if you want me to'. He's testing if you're receptive to him literally being brazen about coming on to you. If you're not you need to stop it in his tracks.

ErickBroch · 29/11/2021 09:28

Literally do not reply any more, I am baffled he said love you loads and you responded normally!

Signalstation · 29/11/2021 09:30

'Love you loads xxxx' sounds like something a woman would message!

Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 09:38

Probably thinks because he has a laugh with you than you must fancy him. Worked with loads of these types. Just don’t reply to any of it unless work related.

TheOccupier · 29/11/2021 09:43

This is very odd. I would just never mention it again, personally.

Youknownothingsnow · 29/11/2021 09:47

@clartins

I honestly thought this was just a smiley face 😊
This is just a smiley face emoji
Pixiedown123 · 29/11/2021 09:50

For the "Love you loads xxxx" I would have replied asking if he messaged the wrong person. Maybe added a joke that it's as bad as calling the teacher "mum" just to give him an out but also be clear that it's not appropriate

Original poster
clartins · 29/11/2021 10:40

@Theturnofthepoo

Probably thinks because he has a laugh with you than you must fancy him. Worked with loads of these types. Just don’t reply to any of it unless work related.
DH and I had this conversation this morning. I have a good working relationship with many men where I work. And have non work related conversations with them regarding all sorts of things including recipes, music, family, news and pets. This is the first time something like this has happened and he’s peed me off tbh, I’m quite angry now that a perfectly innocuous conversation about something me and DH had purchased turned into this.
OP posts:
Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 10:51

Well try not to worry, some people read too much into everything. Keep an eye on it I suppose and if he messages you more like that tell him it’s inappropriate.

Theturnofthepoo · 29/11/2021 10:51

Oh hold on so it wasn’t a work conversation anyway? I’m confused.

EinsteinaGogo · 29/11/2021 10:58

No need to address it now, OP. I would let it lie. He'd likely gaslight you about it anyway.

Now you're aware you can be cooler with your comms.

Don't instigate anything by WhatsApp
Work messages via work email
Respond to appropriate-only messages
Don't deviate from bland & vanilla
Don't get caught into 'what do you think about XYZ' conversations

You're not in the wrong here. Be angry that he's put you in an awkward situation and remember that no one has the right to make you feel embarrassed / uncomfortable.

Angrymum22 · 29/11/2021 11:00

My DH is illiterate in emoji language. I got DS17 to give him lessons on which ones to use and when. He then realised how inappropriate a few of his fb reactions had been🤣

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