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Original poster

Unwanted admirer...what to do?

90 replies

UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 14:51

I'll try and keep it brief. I have an admirer at work. Ive seen this coming for a long time but maybe stupidly I have put it to the back of my mind and ignored it.

One of the managers (not my manager, nothing to do with me, a completely different dept) has been very good to me, he seems a great friend. He gives me lifts home..nothing bad there. But lately he's started on the odd occasion buying me chocolates...then it was wine, then it was flowers. He's also given me models for the kids (nothing major, just things that he gets free from suppliers and he knows kids like, is the nature of our business).

Its got more and more over the last six months say...but he's never given me anything where I could say "oh I dont want that". I feel so bad but ive always gracefully accepted as friends. Its uncomfortable for me to say the least. I have spoken to my friend about it often and she also agrees that he wants something more.

So we have our christmas party and he gets a tad drunk and tells me he loves me. This is all a bit too much. He's old enough to be my dad. Im not a spring chicken by any means but im really just not interested in that way. I dont want to hurt his feelings, after all, he's been a really good friend to me.

I dont know what to say to him, ive never given any hint that I may be interested. Im not beautiful, or even have a great personality, im just normal boring me, but he seems obsessed.

I know that he's "well in" with some of the higher up people in our company and much respected. I know the right thing to do would be to tell him nicely that im not interested, but im a bit scared he may get angry and make things awkward for me with the "big fish".

What should I do?

I am a regular mner btw with a namechange.

OP posts:
Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 15:10

Anyone? would really appreciate advice?

OP posts:
YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 16/12/2007 15:15

Do you have a partner? You could start talking about all the time, how great they are, how much you love them?

Or - you could be 'grateful' to this man -tell him how glad you are to have a friend like him and how much he reminds you of your dad - whatever he does, say "Oh, you are just like my dad, he always...."

Or you could say you have met someone, or you are looking for someone and you are attracted to

sallysparkle · 16/12/2007 15:20

I think you're just going to be blunt with him. Say that you're flattered but would never get involved with anyone at work. I think that you will need to cut all contact with him if he remains persistent.

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 15:28

Thanks for ideas. Anything that he's given me (us, my kids) he's always sort of said we're really good friends blah blah. Which is fine by me and all I think of it on my side. But obviously he seems to want more.

Im the sort of person who hates accepting help or gifts from anyone and so that's perhaps why I let it go on so long, I kind of thought maybe I was being unreasonable and he was just being kind. I dont have a partner and he knows this so unfortunately I cant even use that as an excuse.

Totally stumped on this one.

OP posts:
Janos · 16/12/2007 15:29

I've been in a similar position UnwantedAdmirer, although thankfully no-one at work.

YOu will have to make it clear you are not interested (I know you know this...) but I suggest you do it in as 'kind' a way as possible. If he is a decent bloke as you suggest then he will probably be mortified but will realise his behaviour is out of order and back off.

You only need to be more blunt/forceful if he becomes more persistent or doesn't take you seriously. IF this happens then you will need to make your feelings clear in what may not be such a 'nice' way. If it's necessary then don't feel bad about it.

He is a grown man and responsible for his own feelings.

Finally, if any his behaviour is making you uncomfortable then make a note of it.

Janos · 16/12/2007 15:32

Reading back that sounds a bit 'short', which it isn't meant to.

I totally sympathise because it's a really uncomfortable situation - please remember though you have done nothing wrong!

Oblomov · 16/12/2007 15:44

Tell him straight. A few words. I am married, out-of-the-question.
I would go to HR and tell them what happened FIRST, before you even spoke to him.
You never know how he will re-act to what you say. He might be really nice, very embarrasssed. Or he could be really nasty some time later. And by speaking to HR you will ahev set the scene and protected yourself.
But by having a quiet, off the record chat with HR FIRST, you are protected.

Flowerybeanbag, where are you ?

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 15:44

Thanks janos, I see exactly where you're coming from. Before now, he never actually made a move as such so I couldn't really say anything. I feel so awful, am dreading work tomorrow!

OP posts:
Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 15:45

He text me apologising...too much beer etc...I told him I didn't remember anyway. (although obviously I do).

OP posts:
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 16/12/2007 15:46

Don't do what I did! I got myself in a right pickle by not being firm about the situation as soon as I realised it was more than friendship that he wanted. I didn't want to offend him, so I only dodged his come-on's/invitations rather than telling him I wasn't interested right from the start.

Such an awkward position to be in, but one that can't be ignored. I suggest you tell him you don't want to get involved with a colleague, and leave it at that.

Good luck xx

ps you obviously are attractive and interesting, don't put yourself down.

TenLordsaLapin · 16/12/2007 15:46

I completely agree with Oblomov.

Oblomov · 16/12/2007 15:51

Cheers Lapin.
Please get some advice and do something about this now. If you have a word with HR, no one will ever know. And then if he is amicable, no harm will have been done.
But imagine if things got nasty, or in a couple of months he turned it round and said you were flirting with him. And you had not taken any notes, or not told anyone about what happened. Then you would have no comeback.
And you might be back here posting, saying I wish I had taken action earlier.
Please don't let this happen.
Act now, and then you are protected and hopefully it will not materialise into anything of concern.

Janos · 16/12/2007 15:52

Like Oblomov and TenLirds I would say that going to HR is probably a good idea BUT it depends what they are like.

Essentially what I mean is, are they trustworthy/good at their jobs? It very much depends on the company. You work there so will know what the company is like and whether this is a good idea.

I hope that makes sense.

Janos · 16/12/2007 15:53

Sorry, that should of course be TenLords

Apologies for bad typing!

Oblomov · 16/12/2007 15:57

We new ooh you meant

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 15:57

I dont know about HR tbh. His brother is the high up manager and works from head office.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 16/12/2007 15:58

Pending HR being nice. Some are better than others. Some are awful. Or atleast have a word with someone.

Oblomov · 16/12/2007 15:59

Admirer, my heart goes out to you.
Let us support you - don't let his superiority and position hinder you.

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 16:05

I dont know who to warn. My manager is a lovely man, really lovely and so understanding. But he's also good friends with the manager im talking about

OP posts:
Janos · 16/12/2007 16:13

LOL Oblomov. Not the worlds best typist over here .

UA, you mentioned a friend. Does she work for the same place? Is she someone who you can confide in and get on well with? Having someone you trust to talk to about things is vital in a situation like this.

ShakeysGirl · 16/12/2007 16:16

I also think you should have a quiet word with HR i have been in a very similar situation and when i eventually complained after he didn't take kindly to me 'rejecting' him there was a big deal made out of the fact that i had accepted gifts of chocolate etc and also had allowed him to drive me home, swapped phone numbers... It seemed to have clouded things iyswim

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 16:17

That friend doesnt work with me no, but I think there is a woman I work with who has noticed what's going on. At the end of the day, she needs her job and I doubt very much she would ever get involved, cant say I blame her.

OP posts:
Janos · 16/12/2007 16:19

Oh that sucks ShakeysGirl.

Really wish women didn't get blamed for men's bad behaviour. Not your fault the bloke was an arse, is it?

Oblomov · 16/12/2007 16:21

I had a minor problem with my Manager speaking to me in an unacceptable way.
And I normally hate HR Depts.
Until I met Flowerybeanbag & liked her.
I had a meeting with him and got nowhere. I have a quiet word with HR . Had it noted, but not put on file. Not an official complaint.
My manager - who I always did actually like, ( he just spoke totally unacceptably, when he was under pressure) has been so nice to me since, I wished I had done it before.
It made such a difference.

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 16:22

oh good lord shakeysgirl! Ive already taken my last employer to tribunal...it wouldn't look good would it? (a different matter but it makes me more on the ball in a sense). I know I should be protecting myself but I still think he's harmless...maybe...I dont know.

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