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Relationships

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Original poster

Unwanted admirer...what to do?

90 replies

UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 14:51

I'll try and keep it brief. I have an admirer at work. Ive seen this coming for a long time but maybe stupidly I have put it to the back of my mind and ignored it.

One of the managers (not my manager, nothing to do with me, a completely different dept) has been very good to me, he seems a great friend. He gives me lifts home..nothing bad there. But lately he's started on the odd occasion buying me chocolates...then it was wine, then it was flowers. He's also given me models for the kids (nothing major, just things that he gets free from suppliers and he knows kids like, is the nature of our business).

Its got more and more over the last six months say...but he's never given me anything where I could say "oh I dont want that". I feel so bad but ive always gracefully accepted as friends. Its uncomfortable for me to say the least. I have spoken to my friend about it often and she also agrees that he wants something more.

So we have our christmas party and he gets a tad drunk and tells me he loves me. This is all a bit too much. He's old enough to be my dad. Im not a spring chicken by any means but im really just not interested in that way. I dont want to hurt his feelings, after all, he's been a really good friend to me.

I dont know what to say to him, ive never given any hint that I may be interested. Im not beautiful, or even have a great personality, im just normal boring me, but he seems obsessed.

I know that he's "well in" with some of the higher up people in our company and much respected. I know the right thing to do would be to tell him nicely that im not interested, but im a bit scared he may get angry and make things awkward for me with the "big fish".

What should I do?

I am a regular mner btw with a namechange.

OP posts:

Janos · 19/12/2007 19:22

I understand cos I dislike conforntation as well, but perhaps he is deluding himself that his attention is somehow welcome. If you say clearly 'no it's not' then he doesn't have that excuse anymore.

I totally sympathise and I know from my own experience how uncomfortable this makes you feel.

Remember...it's HIS fault. Not yours.

warthog · 19/12/2007 19:23

how about you take him for a coffee and gently tell him? would that be too awkward? or reply to his email and say it makes you feel uncomfortable - you don't feel it's appropriate.

Janos · 19/12/2007 19:25

" How do you tell someone you dont want the fresh flowers they just bought? Honestly, no sarcasm there at all. I would feel such a cow "

Perhaps this will make me sound like a bitch, but I think he may be counting on you reacting in this way and using it to his advantage.

But then I am very cynical about this kind of thing.

Elizabetth · 19/12/2007 19:26

You can just politely say, "I don't want to accept these. Please don't give me any more gifts" and then repeat until he understands. Don't let him argue you out of it - you don't have to explain yourself, just express your wishes. It's really whether you think his feelings are more important than yours. Look how his e-mail made you feel. You don't deserve that and if he is a nice man (which I don't think he is) he won't want to do something that makes you feel like that either.

The gifts are designed to create an obligation and a connection, even though it's unwanted. They aren't about him being kind-hearted, they are about pushing you into a situation that you aren't interested in.

Original poster

UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 19:27

He just makes me feel so guilty. He'll buy me the flowers or the chocs and say "this is to cheer you up as I know how much you have on your plate".

{shakes herself}

Manipulative? oh I just dont know anymore.

OP posts:

TheHerdNerd · 19/12/2007 19:27

FYI: I'm a bloke (in case you didn't know).

Elizabeth: where in this story is he "forcing" anything, or using his superior position?

He's been coming on very slowly and thoughtfully over 6 months, with unthreatening gifts and thoughtful favours. I don't see any evidence of threatening behaviour. The only odd thing about it is the age gap, but plenty of couples of big age gaps.

UA: you need to tell him. He's a man. Hints don't work, and feeble evasions don't work.

"I don't like to complicate work and home life" doesn't mean "no", it means "maybe".

"I'm not in a good place right now" doesn't mean "no", it means "maybe".

"I really appreciate your friendship, but I don't want anything more right now" doesn't mean "no", it means "maybe".

You need to tell him "no". Like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not attracted to you.", or "I don't want to hurt you, but you need to understand that I don't see you like that and I never will."

TheHerdNerd · 19/12/2007 19:30

Oh, and stop accepting the gifts. Kindly, firmly, consistently. Accepting gifts with a smile means "maybe" too.

Elizabetth · 19/12/2007 19:33

If they are that unthreatening HerdNerd why is UA so upset about it? She's just said she's worried about losing her job, it's clearly in her mind and this so-called "nice guy" should also be aware of how this kind of unwanted attention from a senior person to a more junior could put them in a very difficult position.

Hints do work and feeble evasions do work if someone is a decent human being and willing to read the signals. Bull-headed persistence in the face of a woman who isn't interested says something else about what sort of man he is. Sexual harassers don't always have big signs saying "bad guy" over their head, they can come across as nice or unthreatening, but somehow their behaviour is very upsetting and worrying to the people on the receiving end of it.

Original poster

UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 19:34

TheHerdNerd, I didn't realise you were a bloke no!

Its interesting to get your point of view then actually.

But I have to ask...you being a bloke and all...would you pursue a woman younger than your daughter and think that after a year of this and no response she was interested?

Again, no sarcasm intended, I think your opinion would be valuable...you lot work in different ways .

OP posts:

Original poster

UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 19:36

I dont want this to turn into a big feminist row thread btw , I want to keep it as low key as possible. But I am interested to hear a guy's take on this too.

OP posts:

Elizabetth · 19/12/2007 19:39

I'd say the same about a senior woman pursuing a junior male member of staff in this manner.

It's the power differentials that are the problem as well as using social niceties, like gift giving, to lever obligations. In normal circumstances it's churlish to refuse a gift and he's put you in the position of appearing rude in order to put a stop to it.

Janos · 19/12/2007 19:47

I think Elizabethh is putting it very well.

His intentions really aren't the point though. It's how YOU feel about it. It's upsetting YOU, and making YOU feel uncomfortable.

He SHOULD NOT be doing that and I'm sure deep down he knows it.

I would maybe see if there's someone at work that you can get 'on side'. The extra support will be make a big difference - is this a possibilty?

TheHerdNerd · 19/12/2007 19:48

Elizabeth: Where in UA's telling of the story has she actually told him "no"? And this is in her version of it, which is almost certainly going to be slightly slanted in her favour (sorry, UA, but it probably is )

UA: given that my daughter is 3 months old, probably not.

If a woman that I was attracted to gave me smiles and warmly accepted gifts from me then, yes, I would probably continue to give her them in the hopes that she might warm to me more. I personally would have gotten hacked off after 6 months or so, but I know couples where the bloke was "courting" for an unfeasibly long time.

Like I said earlier, the age gap is quite odd ( type odd), but I don't think he's being predatory, and he's certainly not being exploitative. He's taken it far too slowly for that.

Before getting involved in any official channels, you need to tell him a firm "no more". And that includes the "no more gifts" and "no more lifts home". He has to get the message, and we blokes just don't do nuances the way you do - you lot have got 72 different flavours of smile, for god's sake.

Original poster

UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 19:54

I dont know Janos, he's been there a lot longer than I have. I guess its the same as anything, an unwanted admirer can make you feel uncomfortable if they persist. That doesn't mean I think he's an axe murderer or sinister!...but I do feel very uncomfortable around him now. In any other circumstance, to be brutal...I wouldn't hesitate to tell him to f**k off..but this is work.

OP posts:

OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 19/12/2007 19:55

I agree with herdnerd, hints won't work.

You just have to be blunt, as hard as it may seem, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (excuse the cliche).

I've had this a few times, in the end the only thing that worked was an email that is bluntly worded and to the point.

The last time this happened to me, the guy actually had a girlfriend too! So I didn't feel so bad sending an email along the lines of 'you should be ashamed, I'm not interested and have never given you any indication that I am, so please stop". He was very sheepish and apollogetic, but my opinions of him as a friend dropped considerably

Original poster

UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 20:00

TheHerdNerd, I understand your argument. But where do I say NO!?

When he produces another box of chocolates? Do I say "get away from me you perve"?

Please, it could have been entirely innocent up until this point. I am trying not to upset a man who could be very genuine. I have had plenty of male friends, female friends who have bought me chocs for instance when ive been having a tough time..but this goes beyond that somehow. He told me he loved me, and now I feel uncomfotable.

I am not wanting to persecute the man..I have a job to do is all.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 20:03

and he has a wife.

OP posts:

warthog · 19/12/2007 20:05

SPLUTTER! WHAT??

NO he's NOT GENUINE!

sorry but i'd look him firmly in the eye and say 'no thanks, it's not appropriate. why don't you give them to your WIFE?'

warthog · 19/12/2007 20:06

what a prize tosser.

TheHerdNerd · 19/12/2007 20:06

Well, this is one thing that's as obvious as a turd in a salad: it's no longer innocent. He definitely fancies you, without doubt, absolutely. And if he says he doesn't then he's telling a fib to avoid feeling stupid.

So you can say "no" however and wherever you like, really: send him an email, meet him for a chat somewhere, up to you. It's going to be uncomfortable whatever happens, but it'll be a lot less uncomfortable than if you involve HR at the outset!

TheHerdNerd · 19/12/2007 20:08

He has a wife?!?

Faaark.

Well, that's a different kettle of fish altogether! That flips all the way over into creepy, unwanted, unneeded, administer kick in the goolies at your earliest convenience.

Janos · 19/12/2007 20:09

Of course it's difficult UA.

The gift thing...when he produces the latest gift you could simply say 'No thank you.', If/When he presses you, simply say 'I said no thank you'.

I'm inclined to think you could say 'They are lovely. But I can't accept that. Why don't you give them to your wife?'

Janos · 19/12/2007 20:10

X Post with Warthog!

Elizabetth · 19/12/2007 20:13

Do you have a union at your workplace UA?

Original poster

UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 20:16

sorry, I thought I'd mentioned the wife in my op but reading back I hadn't

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