Unwanted admirer...what to do?

[UnwantedAdmirer]

I'll try and keep it brief. I have an admirer at work. Ive seen this coming for a long time but maybe stupidly I have put it to the back of my mind and ignored it.

One of the managers (not my manager, nothing to do with me, a completely different dept) has been very good to me, he seems a great friend. He gives me lifts home..nothing bad there. But lately he's started on the odd occasion buying me chocolates...then it was wine, then it was flowers. He's also given me models for the kids (nothing major, just things that he gets free from suppliers and he knows kids like, is the nature of our business).

Its got more and more over the last six months say...but he's never given me anything where I could say "oh I dont want that". I feel so bad but ive always gracefully accepted as friends. Its uncomfortable for me to say the least. I have spoken to my friend about it often and she also agrees that he wants something more.

So we have our christmas party and he gets a tad drunk and tells me he loves me. This is all a bit too much. He's old enough to be my dad. Im not a spring chicken by any means but im really just not interested in that way. I dont want to hurt his feelings, after all, he's been a really good friend to me.

I dont know what to say to him, ive never given any hint that I may be interested. Im not beautiful, or even have a great personality, im just normal boring me, but he seems obsessed.

I know that he's "well in" with some of the higher up people in our company and much respected. I know the right thing to do would be to tell him nicely that im not interested, but im a bit scared he may get angry and make things awkward for me with the "big fish".

What should I do?

I am a regular mner btw with a namechange.

HR don't normally like to consult anyone else unless they have to. So your friend would not be called upon. They would sort it out between you and him.

Even if she doesn't work with you UA...is she still someone you can talk to?

Also, don't automatically assume your female colleague won't support you.

Can I just ask - do you have any reason to believe this bloke might turn 'nasty'? Does he have previous?

Not trying to cause alarm, just thinking out loud.

Talk to your friend. You need to be able to talk about this.
Or talk to us

No reason to think he might turn nasty janos...just my suspicious nature. I dont trust anyone, let alone workmates and he is in a position of authority. well respected at head office kind of thing etc....

Well then UA I would say not to worry about it unless it happens.

But just in case, be prepared. Look after yourself first and foremost.

Ive been in this situation before (not the admirer thing) but where I thought I had friends in the workplace, very good friends, 10 years or so...and none of them wanted to know me after redundancy...so im a bit wary now

I think that's fair enough. I've been in a similar place workwise so agree that being aware of what might happen and taking appropriate action (if any) is a good idea.

Work is a very here and now mentality. Obviously some people maintain very strong friendships. But mostly, out of office(sight), out of mind(party invitations).

Say that perhaps you were naive to accept the gifts, but you felt they were offered in the spirit of friendship instead of by a person who was hoping to take the friendship to a different level. Tell him you have a personal policy of keeping work and private life separate as it could get too messy/complicated otherwise. Thank him for his kindness/generosity, but say that it really can go no further.

Easier said than done, I'm sure. Good luck.

Well Monday was awkward to say the least but I sort of thought he'd got the message. He did apologise for his behaviour. However, he then turns up with another gift. Today I got an email telling me how lovely I looked. Nothing wrong with that, no offensive wording but it made my skin crawl tbh. What's worse is that I work in a different building to him and he could not enter that building without my noticing. I had definately not seen him that morning or even been out of my office. He must have been looking through the window at me at some point.

I feel terrible. When I got the email I felt physically sick. I keep trying to shake myself up, he's a nice man, he means no harm but I could have burst into tears at any point today. Please tell me im being over the top and I should get it in perspective?

Refuse the gift.

This is very important.

You CANNOT accept gifts from him. It sends totally the wrong message.

Reply to his email, saying please do not send me any further emails of this type and cc it to someone, anyone.

FWIW, a nice man backs off when you tell him to.

I;m really sorry to hear this UnwantedAdmirer and totally understand how you feel.

You are not over-reacting and his behaviour is out of line.

I can imagine you are trying to rationalise it thinking 'It's only a present..he didn't say anything unpleasant'. But the point is how it makes you feel.

I Agree you dhould not accept the gift. Send it back and ask him not to contact you again. You don't need to make excuses or explanations.

And.."FWIW, a nice man backs off when you tell him to."

Absolutely.

Remember, you haven't done anything wrong.

Ive tried to without hurting his feelings. Ive said many times "look, you really shouldn't, its a lovely gesture but you know how I feel about accepting gifts" blah blah.

I thought maybe when we go back in the new year it would be a good oppurtunity to tell lots of lies...new years resolutions and such. No gifts (diet), no lifts (excersize) etc.

This week I have tried to do nothing out of the ordinary. Ive avoided him as much as I could but if im suddenly walking off at night people are going to notice IYSWIM?

Perhaps you might need to be a bit more blunt.

I know its hard when you don't want to offend someone, but look at is this way. He has offended you and ignored your polite requests to stop. Why SHOULD you be nice to him?

He's got no right to make you feel bad, none at all. He is persisting with his behaviour despite your distress. He is WRONG!!!

Have you told him that you're just not interested? Your story of how gently he's come on to you over months tells me that his feelings are genuine, and he's not a predatory male.

I don't think you should involve HR. Keep a record of stuff and tell a close friend at work in case things get nasty, but telling HR could blight his job - he's been good to you, he doesn't deserve that.

Tell him. "Listen, I know you want more, but it's not going to happen. I'm not attracted to you, I'm sorry."

I dont want to offend him, one because it may be completely harmless and I really dont want to make a big deal of it..(at what point do you say to someone "back off"? when he produces another gift with a flourish, or when he hasn't..how would you bring the subject up?).

two, im scared of the potential comeback. Im a lone parent, I cannot afford to lose this job, I have a loan to pay off. I can't afford to be living on benefit.

Sorry, I know im being really negative.

He's not a nice man, he's using his senior position to force his attentions on you. He knows it'll be hard for you to complain because he is more powerful in your organisation than you are.

I agree that you should return the gift and e-mail him back teliing him not to e-mail like that again.

I suggest that you pay attention to how this makes you feel, not how you think you should feel. If it's making you feel this bad it's because he has seriously overstepped the mark. If he doesn't stop you may have to think of starting a grievance procedure against him for sexual harassment which is what this sort of behaviour falls under.

Start taking notes of what has happened and what you've both said or done. Hopefully you won't need them but it's always good to be prepared.

you have to start refusing the gifts. it sends mixed messages. and i do think you have to tell him how you feel. sooner rather than later. because the longer you drag this on for the more like a fool he'll feel. please put him (and you) out of your misery.

Sorry it's escalating, but agree you need to be more firm. I think what I suggested earlier in the thread would get you off the hook/solve the problem.

You're not being negative UA, this is a nasty situation he's put you in.

I dont think he's predatory TheHerdNerd...I think his feelings are genuine which in a way is worse....no its definately worse. Im probably younger than his daughter. It is so awkward.

I know you are all right, I absolutely hate confrontation of any kind. I hoped the hints would be enough. Clearly not.

but your hints are mixed - you're accepting his gifts.

I understand warthog, really I do. I just dont know how to throw it back in his face. How do you tell someone you dont want the fresh flowers they just bought? Honestly, no sarcasm there at all. I would feel such a cow