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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unwanted admirer...what to do?

90 replies

UnwantedAdmirer · 16/12/2007 14:51

I'll try and keep it brief. I have an admirer at work. Ive seen this coming for a long time but maybe stupidly I have put it to the back of my mind and ignored it.

One of the managers (not my manager, nothing to do with me, a completely different dept) has been very good to me, he seems a great friend. He gives me lifts home..nothing bad there. But lately he's started on the odd occasion buying me chocolates...then it was wine, then it was flowers. He's also given me models for the kids (nothing major, just things that he gets free from suppliers and he knows kids like, is the nature of our business).

Its got more and more over the last six months say...but he's never given me anything where I could say "oh I dont want that". I feel so bad but ive always gracefully accepted as friends. Its uncomfortable for me to say the least. I have spoken to my friend about it often and she also agrees that he wants something more.

So we have our christmas party and he gets a tad drunk and tells me he loves me. This is all a bit too much. He's old enough to be my dad. Im not a spring chicken by any means but im really just not interested in that way. I dont want to hurt his feelings, after all, he's been a really good friend to me.

I dont know what to say to him, ive never given any hint that I may be interested. Im not beautiful, or even have a great personality, im just normal boring me, but he seems obsessed.

I know that he's "well in" with some of the higher up people in our company and much respected. I know the right thing to do would be to tell him nicely that im not interested, but im a bit scared he may get angry and make things awkward for me with the "big fish".

What should I do?

I am a regular mner btw with a namechange.

OP posts:
warthog · 19/12/2007 20:26

i would definitely be creeped out. i think you need to start covering bases. i'd put it in writing - reply to that email that he said - that you think it's inappropriate and his attention is unwanted. then save that email! send it to your home account.

tell someone at work. preferably your boss if you feel comfortable with that.

log everything you can remember and continue to do so.

warthog · 19/12/2007 20:27

sorry to sound so melodramatic, but look at how you're feeling: physically ill today

TheHerdNerd · 19/12/2007 20:29

I still think the non-official route is your best bet at first. It'll probably kill the situation stone-dead - and think of it this way: if you involve HR, then you're jumping straight into the worst case scenario.

If you speak to him first then it doesn't have to go so far.

TheHerdNerd · 19/12/2007 20:30

But sure, log what happens in case stuff does get ugly.

warthog · 19/12/2007 20:31

actually, i agree with that. BUT i do think you need to start planning for the possibility that it might turn ugly. so, i'd do it by email so you have it in writing and do the log so you can specify dates, times and what occurred.

warthog · 19/12/2007 20:31

x-posted, tnh!

OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 19/12/2007 20:37

He has a wife!

Right, send an email if you can;t face actually talking to him, along the lines of:

'Shouldn't you be ashamed that you aren't giving those chocolates/flowers/whatever to your wife? Sorry to be so blunt but I need to be clear that your behaviour is highly inappropriate, as are a lot of things you say to me. I don't feel I have ever given you reason to feel you can say such things or that I want to hear them so please don't do them again.'

It's not rude, or insulting, just blunt and to the point.

Good luck!

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 20:38

I agree actually. I did think of saving the mail and printing it out when the office is quiet (joint printer). Its a pity I didn't save previous emails but I never thought of it then. I am naive possibly but I always try to give anyone the benefit of the doubt and unfortunately it may well backfire.

If I forwarded the mails to my own personal address would it say where it had originally come from? Would it even be any proof?

OP posts:
PazzaPlusTwo · 19/12/2007 21:10

UA

Your story is raising my blood pressure! I also hate confrontation so I understand your predicament. But the good news is that you are just one email away from being free of this situation!

He has sent you an email you're not happy about, now send one back saying 'You have been a good friend to me over the last few months but I never had any intention of it going any further than that. I have tried to make this clear but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you so I think that it would be best if you didn't contact me again.'

I would make it quite formal. No apologies, no niceties, no 'best wishes' to sign off. CC it to yourself and/or print a copy.

Then, if he contacts you again in any way, you can go straight to HR or to your boss or whoever. You will have drawn a clear line in the sand. If you have any suspicions in future that he has talked to anyone about it, or is using it against you then you can go straight to your boss saying you intend to make a formal complaint unless they have a word with him immediately. The chances are you won't need to.

Honestly I know it won't be easy, you will feel stupid/like a cow/embarrassed for 5 minutes but then you will feel so much better after you've put a stop to it. 19th Dec could be the first day of the rest of your life post-idiot!

Good luck!

Pazza xx

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 21:42

Thanks everyone for your input. Have had a bath and feel somehwat better and have a clear(ish) head!

I only have three days left at work and I will speak to him about things before our christmas break, if he takes it badly then so be it....I will have a word with a colleague first and hope for the best..I think that's all I can do really. Im hoping it goes ok but even if it doesnt...its probably not worth feeling like this is it?

OP posts:
Janos · 19/12/2007 21:44

Good luck with it UA.

FWIW I think pazza's 'email' is pretty succint, assertive and to the point.

Original poster
UnwantedAdmirer · 19/12/2007 21:54

Fingers crossed, i'll let you know how it goes

OP posts:
warthog · 19/12/2007 22:07

yes, if you forward it to a personal account it will show up where it was sent from. but printing it off probably isn't worth it. you need the digital signature, otherwise you could have just typed it. if for example, if it got to court, they could search his computer and find the email on his computer too. hard evidence.

Janos · 22/12/2007 14:57

Hope you are ok UA. Just to say keep posting for support if you need to.

wotz · 22/12/2007 15:04

Hope you are OK
Be firm and say no. Tell him to keep his distance and to move on. Good luck.

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