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Relationships

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Original poster

New (ish) man went cold on me out of nowhere

96 replies

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:20

Last weekend he went cold on me, almost out of nowhere. I’d had food poisoning the week before and had stayed as his as I literally couldn’t move and was nearly hospitalised. He looked after me in every way, was generally patient and kind though towards the end of the week he seemed to be getting frustrated (fair enough, I’m sure I would have felt the same!!!). Last weekend I was feeling better and we went out for a drink and he was really off with me. Said he felt under loads of pressure with ‘juggling’ so many things in life. I asked what he meant but he just sat with a vacant expression, not really talking. It was very hurtful. I was kind to him and asked if he wanted to talk about anything and asked if I could do anything to help, he said he didn’t know. Kept pushing me away when I tried to kiss him goodnight etc. He sort of suggested we had argued a bit when I was unwell and that had made him question things…it was true we’d had some small disagreements about what I should eat etc but it was a very stressful time (I’m talking mega food poisoning not just a 48 hour thing). I thought we were actually closer after it all.

He carried on brushing me off and not really explaining why, so I left on Tuesday and said I loved him but I couldn’t understand where this was coming from and it was really hurting me. He’s not spoken to me since and I’ve not text him.

Before this we were very happy and in love. I don’t get it.

OP posts:

MrzClaus · 27/11/2021 09:24

How long had you been seeing each other OP? A week staying at someone's house with food poisoning (I'm guessing V&D?) would put pressure on any new relationship, especially if you're relying on his care / arguing about eating / staying in his space.

MintJulia · 27/11/2021 09:25

If he's a newish partner, why did you stay at his while you were ill? Neither symptom of food poisoning is exactly attractive so I guess it was all a bit too early in the relationship.

I had a newish boyfriend who did similar to me, came down with flu, called in sick and then came to mine, expecting to be nursed. It hadn't occurred to him that I didn't want a snotty, infectious person resident in my house while I was trying to work. I thought he was inconsiderate and pretty selfish. Sorry.

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:27

@MrzClaus been together about 7 months. It happened while I was at his and we are 1 hour fifteen apart. Prior to this we spent 4 nights a week together usually.

I get the pressure point but even so … if that’s what it’s about it’s a bit dramatic!! We were happy, sometimes shit happens (literally). Id have been there for him. We’re in our 30s not kids. We’d talked about marriage !!

OP posts:

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:28

@MintJulia how new was this? I get a few weeks in but this was 7 months.

OP posts:

Houseofvelour · 27/11/2021 09:28

@MrzClaus

This. Tbh I would do my best to be caring and helpful but after a week with a new partner, I'd probably feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic. How long have you been seeing each other?

Houseofvelour · 27/11/2021 09:28

I've just seen you've been together 7 months.

MrsPleasant · 27/11/2021 09:30

You stayed for a week because of food poisoning?
He probably thought you'd never leave. If I was him I'd be legging it, you'll have a dramatic cold next and move in.

MintJulia · 27/11/2021 09:31

A few months.

Think about it from his point of view. D&V can be horribly infectious. You have a home of your own but choose to go to his, where he has to clean the bathroom after each time you use it, he's expected to share a bed with it, he's presumably having to cater for different meals and so on.

Why didn't you call, tell him you were sick, and hole up at home where you could isolate responsibly?

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:32

@Houseofvelour do you think that’s a normal reaction 7 months in when you’re in your 30s and had talked about a future?! Genuinely interested… in any of my past relationships, by a few months in I wouldn’t have ended a relationship because they were unwell with gross symptoms. Even when I was at uni I wouldn’t have been put off by that. Seems like a strange reaction.

OP posts:

Palavah · 27/11/2021 09:32

I'm sorry that sounds v hurtful.

If it was simply the fact you were ill then he clearly wouldn't have been capable of keeping his marriage vows.

Do you remember what you argued about?

I suspect, though, that there's something else going on with him.

MrzClaus · 27/11/2021 09:32

Oo tricky, I think 7 months is probably still honeymoon / best behaviour stage? Maybe a week of V&D and dealing with you when you're seriously ill (especially if nearly hospitalised!) was too much realism / pressure?

I love my DP, and now many years in wouldn't have a problem with this sort of illness. Perhaps 7 months in would have made me see him in a new light, and take away a bit of the new relationship magic!

It's totally shitty, and I know we expect partners to stand by us / look after us, but in a fairly new relationship that sort of pressure really can make or break. Are you feeling a lot better now?

BornIn78 · 27/11/2021 09:33

Oh no, 7 months in I would not want someone deciding to stay with me for a week wanting to be nursed through food poisoning and then arguing with me during it.

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:34

@MintJulia I was at his when it happened.

@MrsPleasant I agree if I had been mild food poisoning, it wasn’t, I was horrendously unwell and quite literally couldn’t move. I’m not at all a dramatic person when it comes to being unwell and ironically, two weeks before he’d shat himself on the bed from being unwell and I’d washed the bedding and did a shop for him with no complaint at all. That was a two day thing though, not a week, but still…!

OP posts:

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:35

@Palavah

I'm sorry that sounds v hurtful.

If it was simply the fact you were ill then he clearly wouldn't have been capable of keeping his marriage vows.

Do you remember what you argued about?

I suspect, though, that there's something else going on with him.

@Palavah it wasn’t a big argument it was things like he was saying I should try eating x and I said no it was making me sick, I would try y. Not an argument as such but just stressful chats I suppose. It was a stressful time, when I say I couldn’t get out of bed I literally could not move 90% of the time!

OP posts:

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:36

@MrzClaus

It's totally shitty, and I know we expect partners to stand by us / look after us, but in a fairly new relationship that sort of pressure really can make or break. Are you feeling a lot better now?

@MrzClaus yes I feel better now. I was feeling better last weekend and had a small gift for him to say thank you. We had gone out for food and a drink and he was essentially not speaking to me. It was really odd.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 27/11/2021 09:41

OP,

If it was too much for him, better you know now.

Don't chase him.

Hope you feel better soon.

MintJulia · 27/11/2021 09:42

Well, I suppose you have learnt more about him as a result.

He's either not very supportive of those with illness, or he isn't as committed as you are, or he has a phobia about illness. Or he wasn't convinced that you were as ill as you say.

Either way, you don't seem to be on the same page. I'd ask him straight if he's going to carry on with the silent treatment or if he can get over it. Better to know now.

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:42

@billy1966 thanks. Just shocked by it really. We were so close before and had talked about marriage etc. I can’t think of any other reason he would be like this. I loved him. When he was unwell it didn’t put me off him. I feel sad this has happened.

OP posts:

HunkyPunk · 27/11/2021 09:44

Is this the first time he has seen you really ill, op? Some people just don’t have the empathy or inclination to deal with it. He’s fine when everything’s going smoothly, and he’s still got his own space to retreat to, but didn’t like the glimpse he had of what being a couple living together can actually mean (in sickness and in health etc!). Maybe best that you’ve seen that side of him now rather than further down the line.

Original poster

Oretgys · 27/11/2021 09:44

@MintJulia he definitely didn’t think I was as ill as I was saying. It was abundantly clear I was extremely poorly. It doesn’t make sense to me. He’s never been like that before and in the days afterwards when i was feeling better we had some nice moments but he seemed distant

OP posts:

anon12345678901 · 27/11/2021 09:48

Looking after someone whose ill for a week can be really draining. Maybe he's just having second thoughts about if he's ready to be in a relationship with all the stresses it can bring. Sometimes people don't realise until faced with a situation. Really strange he went out with you and basically ignored you (if I've read it right)
Don't contact him. You've said thank you and taken him out to say thank you. You should have to chase him.

MintJulia · 27/11/2021 09:50

Different families are raised with different standards. Some would never 'share' the details of an illness, some do. Neither is necessarily wrong. It sounds like you and he are mismatched.

Houseofvelour · 27/11/2021 09:50

[quote Oretgys]@Houseofvelour do you think that’s a normal reaction 7 months in when you’re in your 30s and had talked about a future?! Genuinely interested… in any of my past relationships, by a few months in I wouldn’t have ended a relationship because they were unwell with gross symptoms. Even when I was at uni I wouldn’t have been put off by that. Seems like a strange reaction.[/quote]
Yes, totally normal. 7 months isn't a long time and you'd talked about the future but the reality of spending all your time together, he's obviously realised he's not happy with that.
Most people wouldn't want someone in their space for an entire week.
If it was a holiday, that's different but he was looking after you so it was work for him in his home where he normally relaxes.

FreeBritnee · 27/11/2021 09:53

I did have bad food poisoning in the early stages of my relationship and DP wanted to come over and nurse me but I wouldn’t let him. I was running back and forth to the toilet and there was no way I wanted him involved with that. Having said that if he was in a situation where he nursed me through it I absolutely know it wouldn’t have made a difference to our relationship so I don’t think you’re at fault here.

He was asked to step up, he did so reluctantly and it’s made him realise you are not the soul mates he perhaps thought you were. Sometimes this stuff happens. 7 months down the line is better to find this out than 7 years. He’s done you a favour.

Pyewackect · 27/11/2021 09:58

I would suggest you call him and clarify the situation between you. That way you’ll know where you stand.

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