New (ish) man went cold on me out of nowhere

[Oretgys]

Last weekend he went cold on me, almost out of nowhere. I’d had food poisoning the week before and had stayed as his as I literally couldn’t move and was nearly hospitalised. He looked after me in every way, was generally patient and kind though towards the end of the week he seemed to be getting frustrated (fair enough, I’m sure I would have felt the same!!!). Last weekend I was feeling better and we went out for a drink and he was really off with me. Said he felt under loads of pressure with ‘juggling’ so many things in life. I asked what he meant but he just sat with a vacant expression, not really talking. It was very hurtful. I was kind to him and asked if he wanted to talk about anything and asked if I could do anything to help, he said he didn’t know. Kept pushing me away when I tried to kiss him goodnight etc. He sort of suggested we had argued a bit when I was unwell and that had made him question things…it was true we’d had some small disagreements about what I should eat etc but it was a very stressful time (I’m talking mega food poisoning not just a 48 hour thing). I thought we were actually closer after it all.

He carried on brushing me off and not really explaining why, so I left on Tuesday and said I loved him but I couldn’t understand where this was coming from and it was really hurting me. He’s not spoken to me since and I’ve not text him.

Before this we were very happy and in love. I don’t get it.

@TurnUpTurnip

Well at least it isn’t just me, I’ve never shit the bed, so no I wouldn’t clean his bed and if I had which I haven’t I wouldn’t let any person clean it I would be horrified, I wouldn’t even let anyone see that Let alone clean it for me 🤮

This is how most people feel I think OP. Fair enough if you don't but it doesn't make people heartless as you seem to think!

I do sometimes wonder what planet Mumsnetters live on. I'm generally pretty commitment-phobe, but at 7 months, if someone got sick at my house, no way would it change how I felt.

And 4 nights a week together at 7 months is not unusual at all - it's basically a weekend and another night or 2?

When I read the OP, I was imagining around the 3 month mark - because that would really bring you down to earth with a bang. But by 7 months, you're generally not still in the relationship unless you have more serious intentions. So for this to put him off?

For whatever reason, it's best you found out now that he wasn'tt as committed as you, rather than a lot further down the line.

How someone treats you when you need them the most tells you everything about them

Love this !

Ahh sadly OP it sounds like he has lost interest , which although feels sad now actually he is doing you a favour - you don’t want to be with someone who just isn’t that in to you (cliched but true !)

I would break up now otherwise you may find yourself in the horrible no man’s land where you keep going round in circles about his feelings , and where you stand etc etc.

Dump and move on. Your self confidence and ego will thank you in a few weeks !

He sounds like a prick. You couldn't help it! It's not like you chose to stay because you wanted pampering. You couldn't move. I've had a tummy bug a few times like this and once it was when my kids were little and my ex was away. My friend had to look after the kids and me.

And of course I would look after someone if they were ill and couldn't help it and I wouldn't stay with someone who made me feel bad about it.

A bit off topic OP, but what do you think caused the food poisoning both times? Poor you to be so sick :(.

Also, you can analyse things but you’ll never really know if for 7 months everything seemed fine. PS IME think 6 months is a common make or break it time for some reason …/

The relationship was tested and failed. He failed. Really bad behaviour, it wasn't your fault you were sick. Also, considering he shit in your bed he shouldn't judge. I'd imagine 'real life'.... vomit, shit and all has killed it for him. Best you know now before you fall any deeper in love.

I’ve had severe food poisoning for a week, it’s awful & you can’t move. I have a guy I’m seeing now and no way would I want to look after him if he was that poorly and I’ve known him for years as a friend. But I don’t see him as a long term relationship at the moment. My last boyfriend who I completely adored I would have done this for… so your boyfriend perhaps wasn’t as into the relationship as he said. He sounds flaky and like he was love bombing you if he’d mentioned marriage etc. He’s shown his true colours and it’s better to know now. It’s awful for you, but in the long term better. You can find someone now who truly cares for you and isn’t pretending!!

I'm going against most and agree with you OP. D&V is obviously not sexy and I will say that I would rather be as far away as possible from my partner if I had it. However, you were physically incapable and had no choice.
To me, if you're at the stage of a relationship where you are declaring love, surely your love isn't so superficial that you'd be put off by a sickness bug. I do however think there may be more going on at his end.
If he can't be there for you when you need it and would basically just stop talking to you (not even properly ending the relationship) then he's not worth your time.
Especially considering you were willing to clean up soiled sheets after him!

I think this is just a case of people wanting something until they realize the reality of what they want isn't what the image inside their head is.
Me and DP had separate houses for the first six years and were together for four nights a week too, so thought moving in together after all that time would be easy. Wrong, the whole dynamic changed. Those three extra days together and the thought of never having my own space again really made me question the relationship for a long time. It's ok now but those first couple of years of living together wasn't easy whilst we got used to each other's silly ways.
Can't you just send a text and ask him to talk to you about what the issue is?

You usually find out who your real friends are when things get tough.

I think similar happened here. The guy was happy to go along when it was just fun dating but when you hit a rough patch and got sick he checked out. He probably felt obligated to look after you until you were well but after that he decided to cool things off.

In a way he has done you a favour by showing his true colours now, he probably would have bailed later on in the relationship at the first hurdle anyway.

People who truly love you stick by you when life knocks you down.

@Journeynotdestination

I’ve had severe food poisoning for a week, it’s awful & you can’t move. I have a guy I’m seeing now and no way would I want to look after him if he was that poorly and I’ve known him for years as a friend. But I don’t see him as a long term relationship at the moment. My last boyfriend who I completely adored I would have done this for… so your boyfriend perhaps wasn’t as into the relationship as he said. He sounds flaky and like he was love bombing you if he’d mentioned marriage etc. He’s shown his true colours and it’s better to know now. It’s awful for you, but in the long term better. You can find someone now who truly cares for you and isn’t pretending!!

I think there is truth here.

I had food poisoning many years ago whilst travelling and i was on a loo puking continuously into a sink.
I was semi conscious for a couple of days and the lovely staff in the hotel in Hong Kong brought me tea and were so kind.

They could have done anything to me as I really was barely conscious.
Never experienced anything near it, before or since.

But I never shat my bed and I think OP you are one kind woman to do that for someone after 7 months.

I'm married nearly 30 years and adore my husband and THAT would give me a moments pause!😁.

Some men genuinely don't do illness and I have definitely had some friends have some hairy times after THEY have been unwell and their husbands did not step up as much as they should.

For one very healthy friend who would probably have kindly nursed her husband through some mild dose of something at least once a year, it was an eye opener.

She had to ask for a cup of tea!🙄

She never got upset but she took it on board and has given him similar care since.

He was a bit shocked the first few times he got man flu since, but has gotten used to it.

They have 3 children and are happily married but his lack of care changed her.

I know she views him just that bit differently since.

If you are married to a selfish man, you really shouldn't depend of them to be kind to you if illness comes to your door, the way they would expect to be looked after by you.

How someone treats you when ill, in a long term relationship, tells you SO much about your relationship IMO.

I think you deserve better OP.
Mind yourself.

7 months is a decent length relationship already, I wouldn't consider it honeymoon or early stages any more. That's being almost 3 seasons of a year together. I wouldn't see anything overly demanding or unusual about nursing your partner through illness at that stage and I'm surprised other people do, or that they accept some men/some people 'don't do illness' etc. Nobody likes illness but being with someone involves supporting them in hard times as well. What is even the point of having a partner, if you only show them a performance of your best and happiest face and then when you suffer you go to lie in the dark alone as if you had nobody in the world?

OP i don't think you are being unreasonable but you and this man are simply not right for each other. He's not that into you.

I am curious about how it was that you both had a bad stomach thing within a couple of weeks of each other. Any chance it could have been COVID? I know someone who was very sick (vomiting etc ...) from COVID. Not that it makes any difference.

I am in the camp of better to know now. I get what the poster says about the ick and that the bond is probably not strong yet. They may well be right (which is a shame) and I guess for you the bond was strong enough earlier. The question though for me would be - will the bond ever be strong enough?

I think you are right not to make contact as I think there is little point. Also if you did get together again you would always worry how he would respond if you were sick. I think even long term relationships can be tested with illness.

Look after yourself and glad you are better. It sounds horrendous.

I can assure you, after 20 years of being a nurse, that adults do indeed soil the bed, wet the bed, vomit and make all sorts of mess. Not just the elderly nor those with dementia either!
I suppose it does take a certain type of person to cope with it, even though I don't think it's any nurse' favourite task. Nevertheless, it's part of the job and just has to be got on with because seriously ill, frail, weakened or injured people simply cannot clean up after themselves! It sounds as if the OP was that ill and genuinely couldn't look after herself and neither could her man when she cleaned up after him without complaint. Sometimes adults DO become that ill!
OP, it sounds as if he's gone off you and I'm sorry for that, but save your dignity, finish it with him and move on. Don't allow him to string you along! You don't want to be shackled to someone who despises you when your ill nor resents caring for you during episodes of ill health, do you?

Honestly I don’t think that this has anything to do with the food poisoning OP, or you at all.

He’s clearly checked out of the relationship for his own pathetic reasons. Wouldn’t surprise me if he has a track record for this kind of thing. What sort of an awful man would treat you so poorly? I would just let him know that his treatment of you falls short of your expectations and not to contact you again unless he’s prepared to treat you with respect.

Yes better you see his true colours now OP, I suspect that it’s all been too serious for him having you there for a week - unwell or not. If he was really into you he’d have stepped up with concern, maybe had abit of recovery space for himself afterwards and got back in touch looking forward too spending time with you again. He’s had a reality check with his own feelings and I know it must feel really hurtful but it’s spared you a lot of heartache down the line as this guy isn’t your emotional match xxx … take control and just send him a sincere text to accept your going your separate ways, wish him the best and don’t ever contact him again!💐 you deserve better from a partner as you sound like a really lovey and caring person Xxx

I think hes shown u who he is and done u a favour. Yes it will hurt but hes not a genuine man

I don’t think this was to do with your illness. He has his other reasons, whatever they are. I vaguely recall nights of drunkenness and vomiting as a student and being looked after by my boyfriend at the time. I didn’t split up with anyone for this reason. You’re much older and further along in your relationship. Also without the guilt of self-induced indignity.

OP if it was marriage you were talking about you've learned how he steps up to "in sickness and in health" prematurely. Better to find out now.

If you caught food poisoning from a restaurant please report them, if it was his dirty kitchen then he's done you a favour breaking up with you, the next dose might kill you!

Was he even apologetic when he shat in your bed? The magic would have died for me at that moment.

How’s it all going OP?