New (ish) man went cold on me out of nowhere

[Oretgys]

Last weekend he went cold on me, almost out of nowhere. I’d had food poisoning the week before and had stayed as his as I literally couldn’t move and was nearly hospitalised. He looked after me in every way, was generally patient and kind though towards the end of the week he seemed to be getting frustrated (fair enough, I’m sure I would have felt the same!!!). Last weekend I was feeling better and we went out for a drink and he was really off with me. Said he felt under loads of pressure with ‘juggling’ so many things in life. I asked what he meant but he just sat with a vacant expression, not really talking. It was very hurtful. I was kind to him and asked if he wanted to talk about anything and asked if I could do anything to help, he said he didn’t know. Kept pushing me away when I tried to kiss him goodnight etc. He sort of suggested we had argued a bit when I was unwell and that had made him question things…it was true we’d had some small disagreements about what I should eat etc but it was a very stressful time (I’m talking mega food poisoning not just a 48 hour thing). I thought we were actually closer after it all.

He carried on brushing me off and not really explaining why, so I left on Tuesday and said I loved him but I couldn’t understand where this was coming from and it was really hurting me. He’s not spoken to me since and I’ve not text him.

Before this we were very happy and in love. I don’t get it.

That is so horrible OP. Glad you feel better now. Honestly though if he can't deal with you being sick for a week, you better go without him especially if you discussed marriage and future with him and were about to get serious in the relationship.

Do you think he shocked himself, as well as you, and that’s at the root of his non-communication? He just doesn’t know what to say to you, and maybe doesn’t understand his own extreme reaction? Clutching at straws, but I understand that it has left you hurt and baffled.

Did you go home after your illness stopped? It sounds like you stayed a few days longer? He probably just wanted some space after the intensity.

Honestly?

A serious case of D&V 7 months in would give me the ick.

I'm not lacking in compassion and would care for them during that time but it would kill any sexual interest I had in them.

The bond just wouldn't be strong enough at that point.

I wouldn't see talk of marriage as anything serious at that time. It's just too soon.

It's unfortunate but...

@Rainbowpurple

That is so horrible OP. Glad you feel better now. Honestly though if he can't deal with you being sick for a week, you better go without him especially if you discussed marriage and future with him and were about to get serious in the relationship.

It's not just a bit 'sick' though, is it?

[quote Oretgys]@Houseofvelour do you think that’s a normal reaction 7 months in when you’re in your 30s and had talked about a future?! Genuinely interested… in any of my past relationships, by a few months in I wouldn’t have ended a relationship because they were unwell with gross symptoms. Even when I was at uni I wouldn’t have been put off by that. Seems like a strange reaction.[/quote]
Yes, I think it's totally normal.

I would think it was less 'normal' that you would feel the need to nurse someone whilst at university and washed the sheets etc when he shat on them etc.

Some people have a need to care for others which causes them to overfunction. What you did for him sounds more like that than 'normal' tbh.

I think that would be a lot for any new relationship. I wouldn't be up for looking after someone poorly that early on.

I'd wouldn't have wanted someone to see me like that either. I'd have gone home.

Those saying you would have gone home..me too, I literally couldn’t. No exaggeration. I’m not someone who likes anyone around when I’m ill. This was an exceptional circumstance.

Interesting to read these responses though, seems most would be put off by this. Personally I wouldn’t be with someone after 3/4 months if I wasn’t sure about wanting to see where it went…someone rushing to the bathroom every few minutes and needing water/minimal food 7 months in would be 100% fine with me and I would be glad to look after him. I loved him. As I said, a few weeks prior he had been very unwell for 48 hours and I looked after him and washed the sheets etc. I just didn’t expect something like this to draw a line in love for someone.

Definitely sounds like the week of severe food poisoning hit fast-forward to the end of the honeymoon period.

I think it was just all too much. It also seems you stayed around after you got a bit better, and perhaps it would have been better to have returned home immediately as soon as you could have travelled.

Ultimately he wasn't up for that level of care and you staying with him, of course you couldn't help it- but it's done now, and you know he's not a keeper in that area. Many men will step up, but there's tonnes that won't, read threads on here about women caring for their kids whilst seriously ill, getting no sympathy and so on.

It is a huge shame but it might be having been together for that week, he just wasn't into the whole thing any more. At least now you know- better now than in another years time.

He is allowed to finish the relationship and you are allowed to be pissed off about it. If he was truly in love with you, he wouldn't allow this to ruin everything, he'd take some time out and then come back and you'd talk about what happened- he's decided to switch off in his mind and I don't think there's anything you can do about that.

The level of care you are both expecting of each other is beyond what I'd be looking for 6 months in, I wouldn't be that chuffed to be washing dirty sheets; most people care for themselves in those type of quite embarrassing circumstances, I wouldn't rush around trying to clear up if someone had a stomach upset. Him caring for you for many many days and you not returning home straight away would feel too much for me too. Sorry, but it would. Having said that, my husband did look after me after I had an operation about a year in and that sealed the deal for me that he was a caring supportive person, so it just depends on the timing/whether everyone is up for taking the whole thing forward.

You aren't wrong, he's not wrong, but it's not working. Sorry OP.

Op, I think we're all different. If it had been my partner, after seven months, I probably would have looked after him and returned to normal (unless he was one of these hypercondriacs who's always ill) but some people can't cope and would walk away. Just thank God you didn't have dc with him because there's lots of icky stuff in the first few years of children.

How someone treats you when you need them the most tells you everything about them.

OP, please don't beat yourself up about having stayed, in case you're considering it. If he was put off by that after 6 months then the relationship wasn't going to last anyway.

A week of someone sharing your home is often too much, especially as there was no end date. It may be a novelty looking after someone for a day or so, after that it is a chore, after a few days with no sign of you getting better he must have thought he was in for a life sentence. I expect he's thinking he had a lucky escape!

My partner came to take care of me when I got glandular fever in my 30s after six months. We married the following year. It was clear to us after six months we both wanted a future together so to me is seems something about the week has given him doubts, and this could have happened at any point once you started spending more time together or reality hit rather than the breeze of dating.

@WTF475878237NC yeah I am inclined to agree, I am really surprised people think this is too much after 7 months.

Everyone is different but when you’re (apparently) in love with someone I’m surprised having food poisoning is deemed something normal to suddenly cause someone to fall out of love.

What are you guys eating to both end up with food poisoning within weeks? He needs to clean his kitchen.

Anyway, better you find out that he's not your guy for times of illness or dispute before you were in too deep.

"and ironically, two weeks before he’d shat himself on the bed from being unwell and I’d washed the bedding and did a shop for him with no complaint at all."

You've only known each other for 7 months. He shat himself and you washed the bedding without complaining? Ugh. Was he incapable of washing it himself?

I think staying 4 nights at his prior to you being ill sounds like too much. Staying with him for a week whilst you were ill is too much.

I do think it's odd to both have severe food poisoning quite so soon- I've never had food poisoning so bad I have messed the bed, or nearly been hospitalized, it all sounds awful!

Also, you did just stay a really really long time- if you were there 4 days before being ill, then the whole week of being ill, then the weekend of feeling better/him being distant and then still not going home til Tuesday. When he was distant, why didn't you just say 'look you've been amazing, but I've really outstayed my welcome being ill, I'm off'. Sorry but you did stay an awfully long time with someone who was giving off 'I want some time alone' vibes.

Yuck you cleaning his shitty bed sheets? All sounds a bit gross tbh, a bit much for 7 months in. My ex had D&V when he was here once and it was a pretty sight and did put me off a bit he expected me to be nursing him but I left him to it, I can’t believe you cleaned someone’s shitty bed sheets or that he even let you the whole thing sounds odd

@TurnUpTurnip he was poorly! You’d leave soiled bedding rather than just helping your partner?!

I must honestly be deluded as a few months in some food poisoning (yes the symptoms are awful!) wouldn’t make me fall out of love.

Hmm he was compassionate enough to look after you and not send you back to your own bathroom I would but it's given him the ick!

It's unfortunate but it might be an indication of what a future with him might have looked like. Give him a bit of space and see if he returns, IF you want someone who will always be a bit off when you're ill...

For perspective I've been with DH for 23 years, and he's awful when I'm ill. He wouldn't see me suffer but he's short tempered - we argued when I had covid, because I couldn't eat and therefore paracetamol and ibuprofen were no longer bringing my temp down! He crashed some toast down on the bedside table and flounced off downstairs and left me crying because I couldn't imagine ever being able to eat again. Dramatic, much.

He sort of suggested we had argued a bit when I was unwell and that had made him question things…it was true we’d had some small disagreements about what I should eat etc but it was a very stressful time
You're quite dismissive about these minor arguments - but maybe they were more meaningful to him, and maybe he found he didn't like you quite as much as he thought he did.

Aw OP it sounds like his feelings have just changed.
Likely brought on by the illness thing but could have been happening anyway you’ll never know.
It’s sad but time to accept its over.
He got the ick perhaps. Horrible term but sometimes feelings do just change.