New (ish) man went cold on me out of nowhere

[Oretgys]

Last weekend he went cold on me, almost out of nowhere. I’d had food poisoning the week before and had stayed as his as I literally couldn’t move and was nearly hospitalised. He looked after me in every way, was generally patient and kind though towards the end of the week he seemed to be getting frustrated (fair enough, I’m sure I would have felt the same!!!). Last weekend I was feeling better and we went out for a drink and he was really off with me. Said he felt under loads of pressure with ‘juggling’ so many things in life. I asked what he meant but he just sat with a vacant expression, not really talking. It was very hurtful. I was kind to him and asked if he wanted to talk about anything and asked if I could do anything to help, he said he didn’t know. Kept pushing me away when I tried to kiss him goodnight etc. He sort of suggested we had argued a bit when I was unwell and that had made him question things…it was true we’d had some small disagreements about what I should eat etc but it was a very stressful time (I’m talking mega food poisoning not just a 48 hour thing). I thought we were actually closer after it all.

He carried on brushing me off and not really explaining why, so I left on Tuesday and said I loved him but I couldn’t understand where this was coming from and it was really hurting me. He’s not spoken to me since and I’ve not text him.

Before this we were very happy and in love. I don’t get it.

[quote Oretgys]@Houseofvelour do you think that’s a normal reaction 7 months in when you’re in your 30s and had talked about a future?! Genuinely interested… in any of my past relationships, by a few months in I wouldn’t have ended a relationship because they were unwell with gross symptoms. Even when I was at uni I wouldn’t have been put off by that. Seems like a strange reaction.[/quote]
I think it's just a moment of realising what commitment means.

He doesn't feel the same as you - move on and dont take seriously people talking about marriage in such a short time .

@WTF475878237NC

My partner came to take care of me when I got glandular fever in my 30s after six months. We married the following year. It was clear to us after six months we both wanted a future together so to me is seems something about the week has given him doubts, and this could have happened at any point once you started spending more time together or reality hit rather than the breeze of dating.

I had glandular fever in my teens. A fairly new friend from school was the only one who visited, cheered up and spent time with me. I was really ill and he did 'look after' me.

I went in toarry him but that is in no way comparable to the sights, sounds and smells of severe d&v!

I'd look after someone for 48hilrs but a week of someone else's fetid bowel contents and puke after such a short time would just put me off them.

It's not because I'm not a keeper or I'm a bastard. It would he different if the relationship.was longer standing - and has been. But that is too .uch after a few months!

It looks like he had a glimpse of what your future looked like together, and something about it gave him the ick. And I don't think you'll get the truth out of him, as he doesn't seem the type of like confrontation.

The realities of a relationship - looking after someone in sickness and health etc can prove too much for some people. You can love someone but still not think you're very compatible in a relationship.

I had an ex who loved me very much (I don't doubt this), we too talked about marriage etc but 10 months in he broke up with me out of nowhere because I was going through a stressful period at work and this led to me just wanting to hibernate at home. We started having small arguments over this, and he ended it saying it reminded him too much of his parent's dynamic where they'd argue and he hated it. As much as he liked the idea of relationships, he didn't like the non glamorous side of it - arguing, compromise, caring for someone or any conflict etc. The way he ended it was by just not showing up to help me move like he'd promised, going awol for a few days and then calling me to tell he he couldn't do it anymore. I was as upset and confused as you, but have since realised we can't predict what will turn someone off. So don't take it personally, see it as a lucky escape that you've realised his personality type now rather than after marriage. He clearly cannot communicate and tbh the silent treatment itself would make ME want to dump someone. It's not a healthy coping mechanism.

Him breaking up with me was the best thing though, as I met my current partner a few months later who is much better suited.

I'm really sorry he hasn't had the courtesy to call you or explain what's going on. Just ask him, for your own sanity, and if no response is forthcoming, be proactive and break up with him saying you need a partner who is on the same emotional level as you regarding conflict and communication.

Your say you spent 4 nights together per week. Were these at his place or yours? When he was ill and you took care of him, was he at his place or yours?

I think, reading between the lines, this illness may have been the last straw.

I think that maybe something going on with him that isn't connected to you, but maybe all you are seeing are your own needs. Could that be it? Have you tried reaching out to him?

@MrsPleasant

You stayed for a week because of food poisoning? He probably thought you'd never leave. If I was him I'd be legging it, you'll have a dramatic cold next and move in.

Guess you have never had proper full on food poisoning then. I got such a bad case I was nearly hospitalised. I was so ill for 7 days I could only just make it to the bathroom and often was sick in a bucket by the bed. Luckily there was nothing the other end as I simply couldn’t eat. After that I gravitated to the settee as I had no energy to do anything

It’s horrible

OP sorry to digress but do you know the source of the food poisoning and have you reported to local authorities?

If it's a particular restaurant etc they must be urgently closed.

I don't think this was 'out of nowhere' though, OP, you said he was showing signs of frustration by the end of the week of you being there, then on the weekend he was saying he felt differently due to arguing and didn't want to kiss you yet you still stayed around til Tuesday! He was giving off 'go home, this is all too much' vibes for several days but you didn't take the hint.

What's done is done, sounds like he wasn't the right one for you, it might be worth texting him if you think he would reply for your own closure, he might not reply, it's up to you.

For perspective I've been with DH for 23 years, and he's awful when I'm ill.

My dh is not brilliant if I'm ill either. And there have been rows about it too. Largely because once I get back up he thinks I must be 100% better and sometimes getting up makes me realise that I should still be in bed!!

I think you're wrong in assuming that it's just the food poisoning that's made him "fall out of love."

It could be caused by a combination of factors- anything like talking about marriage only 7 months in, you being available 4 nights on the trot each time to stay over at his, your willingness to clean up his shit (yes, really) having not known him for very long, the lengthy stay of a week at his whilst you were ill, the arguments.

Like a PP said he possibly had a glimpse of his future relationship with you and didn't like what he saw. I'd do what has been suggested abs proactively end it as who wants the silent treatment and the agony of not knowing where you stand?

I think you outstayed your welcome OP.

[quote Oretgys]@TurnUpTurnip he was poorly! You’d leave soiled bedding rather than just helping your partner?!

I must honestly be deluded as a few months in some food poisoning (yes the symptoms are awful!) wouldn’t make me fall out of love.[/quote]
No the only people I would do this for is my children, that would have been enough to put me off him for life 🤢

7 months in definitely honeymoon period and despite what you say I’d have driven/got taxi home rather than stayed with him. I also wouldn’t have changed his shitty bedsheets either.

There was someone I was “seeing” and in touch with a lot and I got the worlds worst cold that’s doing the rounds a couple of months ago and mentioned it to him as I was feeling so awful. Virtually no sympathy (partly down to him) but also because we’d been in touch a few months I don’t think he wanted to deal with illness either.

I’d just chalk this up to experience and move on.

@Oretgys

It's not that you're deluded, you just have different feelings on the subject to other people.

I think more people would feel how he does (or at least how we think he does - that it was too much for him) than how you feel. Doesn't make either of you right or wrong, just different.

Better to find out you're not on the same page at seven months than any later.

I've been poorly with bad food poisoning years ago before. E. coli , I remember not being able to move. It's like you are made of lead and horrific flu like symptoms. I was on my belly crawling to bathroom as had no strength. So lots of sympathy for you.

I think it gave him the ick, sorry but if he really really liked/loved you then this wouldn't put him off but something triggered the ick , it's time to move on.

Why would you want to make it work with him now anyway if this is how he deals with the stuff that happens in life? - no ones fault, you just cope, get on with it and help each other but it's put him off. These things happen, no mystery , sometimes the ick just happens and feelings go.

It's not uncommon in early days that this happens when something triggers the early limerence to disappear and it can be sudden.
If he had more than just limerence at this stage then he wouldn't have been put off.
He hadn't yet fallen in love even if he thought he was. The early excitement /fascination with someone is similar to love so he may have said he was but his actions now prove he truly hadn't yet got to really loving you yet.

@MerryMarigold

Your say you spent 4 nights together per week. Were these at his place or yours? When he was ill and you took care of him, was he at his place or yours?

I think, reading between the lines, this illness may have been the last straw.

@MerryMarigold - I think personally 4 nights a week together are too much even for a much in love, 7 month relationship and OP’s DP thought it was all a bit much especially with petty arguing and her being so ill and could see this being the future. It’s slightly different of course if he’s ill but maybe he also took his illness on board and hers and thought it was TMI for both of them.

[quote Oretgys]@TurnUpTurnip he was poorly! You’d leave soiled bedding rather than just helping your partner?!

I must honestly be deluded as a few months in some food poisoning (yes the symptoms are awful!) wouldn’t make me fall out of love.[/quote]
I think you have really missed the point! Adults don’t go around shitting in the bed, even when ill I have never heard of that and most people would be mortified. No I wouldn’t be cleaning it up without complaining either, he would be cleaning it up and then buying me a new mattress! I think you have unusual ideas as to what is normal in a relationship and staying at new partners house for a week whilst you have D&V is another example of that.

I’m amazed at the people saying she outstayed her welcome or that they wouldn’t look after someone they love who was ill.

They’ve been together 7 months, not 7 days. They both felt (from talk of marriage) they were in a LTR. Some relationships do feel like that after a few months. That comes with, not the obligation, but the desire to help each other out in tough times.

When I’d been with my partner a few months, I put my back out and could hardly get off the floor. He WALKED 15 miles to come and look after me (doesn’t drive, was a day when no buses were available). I didn’t ask him to come, he just turned up and put the kettle on.

I think his reaction to this tells you what you need to know about him. Good you’ve found out now. I don’t think he’s a long term prospect OP, unless he seriously explains himself / apologises etc.

What did you eat?!

I agree with you OP. It doesn't really make sense. It's not as if you were malingering around and whining, you were very seriously ill and that was clear.

It does sound as if he couldn't/didn't want to cope with a week of you being ill. Neither is wrong but he should have the courtesy to be upfront about whatever is bothering him.

Glad you've recovered well!

She did overstay, if she was getting the brush-off at the weekend, yet stuck around until Tuesday.

If she was too ill to leave as planned the week before, then she was too ill. But when he was cold towards her when she was better, she should have taken her dignity and left.

[quote Oretgys]@WTF475878237NC yeah I am inclined to agree, I am really surprised people think this is too much after 7 months.

Everyone is different but when you’re (apparently) in love with someone I’m surprised having food poisoning is deemed something normal to suddenly cause someone to fall out of love.[/quote]
I had food poisoning twice with different boyfriends many, many years ago. One of them was quite new. Both were very kind and looked after me (and we're talking bedsits and house shares, not their own homes) so he could have been kinder.

I'm not sure how I would have coped with the bed-soiling incident though

How was he towards you about that?

Well at least it isn’t just me, I’ve never shit the bed, so no I wouldn’t clean his bed and if I had which I haven’t I wouldn’t let any person clean it I would be horrified, I wouldn’t even let anyone see that Let alone clean it for me 🤮

I agree with you too op. And those people saying adults just don't shit themselves when ill have Frankly never been ill enough. Because it is quite easy to do with a bad case of food poisoning. So, just because it hasn't happened to you (luck you), doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Fools.

No it hasn’t happened to me but that’s not the point! The point is how can you let a new partner clean that 😕 I mean really?! That would be it for me, I couldn’t look at them again or be attracted to them.