AIBU? Family relationship

[cherrytrees96]

Sorry long one!

I’m 25 and I’ve always had a bit of a funny relationship with my family. Two older sisters who I’ve grown up feeling belittled by and ganged up on. I feel like I get on with them sometimes and they’re completely off with me the next. There’s a lot of underlying tension which turns into claiming I don’t care about them and drunk arguments usually fuelled by them. They’ve called me an attention seeker before (because I said I felt depressed in lockdown), they leave me out of cousin events and when I went travelling for two months they didn’t even ask about it. I wouldn’t say I’m close with them.

I live with them and my parents who I know for a fact care about me. They step up when they need to eg picking me up from places, helping me move things to uni etc etc. I’m really grateful for them. But things aren’t always rosey with them either - they laughed at me last year when I struggled in lockdown and said I felt hopeless. Dad said mental health issues aren’t real. I’ve also been so close to moving out 2 or 3 times. I also know everyone constantly talks about me behind my back as mum says so.

Here’s the latest problem - I’ve been with my DP about 6months now. I’m extremely happy and it’s a calm, refreshing relationship. We see each other one evening a week, and the weekend (one or two days depending on plans with friends). We both have our own space and lives. He’s met my family, come to some events (not all) and really fits in. I asked if he could come for Christmas evening and they said it was okay. When I bring DP round they greet him with warmth and my sisters really like him.
The other day I bought him round on our usual evening. My DP is a really chilled person but he asked if he’d done something wrong as everyone seemed really off with him. I reassured him that everyone’s probably tired and he’s done nothing.

Fast forward to today and I ask my family if DP can come to the family meal we have booked. Instantly it kicked off. My parents said that them and my sister feel that I’m “self absorbed”, “too needy” and “obsessed”. They said they’ve all been talking about how I am messing up relationship single handedly and I am toxic (bearing in mind my last one was 5 years and ended amicably and maturely). Im being too intense seeing him twice a week.
They said “why do you have to bring me and everyone here into your dramas” - this translates to me bringing my DP round one evening a week and eating dinner with them because I thought it was nice. Apparently that’s abnormal. My DP said he feels really welcome and loves spending time with them which I thought was lovely.

I mentioned me being invited to his family meal and mum said “I bet his parents are fed up of you”. She tried to tell me how my DP and his parents feel constantly. Said DP probably doesn’t even want to come for Christmas and I made him (he is so excited about it!).
She then said i was immature because, in a mimicky voice, “ooooh I’m all over Facebook and we’re staying in a little log cabin oooh” (I posted one picture of the trip).

I’m just completely baffled. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells everyone talking about me 24/7. I now don’t feel like I can bring my DP round (he lives 45 mins away). They said it’s nothing to do with him as they like him - just me.

I want to move out but I’ll be devastated as I’m about a year away from having a house deposit and this will really really stunt my progress if I rent and it’ll take me probably a year longer at least. Plus there’s the hassle of finding a house share. I’m not sure it’s an option but it’s ridiculous.

I just am so baffled, upset and don’t know what to do.

They are toxic. If you need to, grit your teeth for another year so you can save for the deposit and just spend as much time with your DP as possible.

Honestly, your mental health is worth so much more than money or a house. If you rent and it takes a year or two longer to save it’s worth it to get away from these horrible people. They’re the toxic ones, not you. FWIW I moved out at 18 because I had a very up and down relationship with my dad and have just bought my first flat at 32 - I don’t regret it for a minute. House sharing was also fun (most of the time!)

Unfortunately, just because people share DNA doesn’t always mean they’re nice to you or have your best interests at heart. You sound very grounded, sensible and like a nice person - could they be jealous and trying to put you down? Have you got life plans they consider too grand or beyond your status? Are they quite a small town mentality and you’re more open minded?

Whatever the reason, you deserve better than this. I’d really recommend just sucking up the expense and moving out for your own well-being.

A year later delay in getting a deposit is nothing comparing to a year of abuse,gaslightning and treading on eggshells.
I’d rent a room somewhere to get away from your toxic family asap.

It’s them not you.

OP, you’re the family scapegoat, whatever you do you will never get their acceptance and approval because you have been assigned a role of a punchbag.

Move out asap and don’t look back.

In the meantime get yourself some counselling.

You need to move out asap and never look back. It's not you op. You sound lovely and normal. It's them. They're toxic and sounds like they aren't happy with your relationship and want you to be miserable.

Move out - you're young enough that adding an extra year to having your deposit isn't a massive deal. Having your own safe space will make such a difference to your mental health.

It sounds as if you've been assigned the scapegoat role in your family. The idea that your parents would not only dismiss but laugh at your mental health concerns is so upsetting.

I hope you escape this soon. I was 23 when I left home and I being able to visit them but leave when they behaved horribly to me was a lifesaver. They made me feel like I was a horrible person. Don't believe what they're saying about you, it's not true.

They are envious that despite being in such a frankly bloody awful family you have emerged a great person who has bagged a great bf!!. Make plans for your own future as fast as you can before they ruin things with your bf...

YANBU. Your family doesn't sound like they really respect you, especially when disregarding your mental health like this. Unfortunately, I was in a similar situations (toxic parents that, whilst I loved them, I just couldn't live with them anymore) - and let me tell you it gets so much better! Hang in there, and remember you deserve better.

Move out.

Another year to add on for gathering a house deposit sounds like ages but it's really not.

I really would move out ASAP. They’re toxic and I agree with others you’ve been assigned the family scapegoat role.

It also sounds like they’re jealous of your DP and everything else which is awful, your parents should be pleased you’re in a nice relationship and going somewhere nice at Christmas.

Move out!! I think you'll find your relationship with family improves when you don't live with them. It also sounds like they treat you poorly so why put up with it?

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your role here is that of scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

Its not you, its them. Your parents too created this overall dysfunctional and toxic dynamic in their family. They are merely projecting their own selves onto you. YOU are not the one being awkward, self absorbed, obsessed etc; they are really what they say you are. Other people are not talking about you like this; they just want you to believe that. They are continuing the narrative re you they want to believe and have fully signed up to. They do not like any dissent, they just want you to remain quiet and subserviant along with putting them first with your own needs dead last.

Your mother seems to be the driving force here with your dad acting as her all too willing enabler and secondary abuser. Men like this are truly weak and can also act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I would move out asap and get as far away from them all as possible. You should consider having no contact with any of them once this happens because no good now comes to you anyway by interacting with them. With you out of the picture, hopefully they will further turn against each other.

I realise your point re your house deposit and that it will take longer for you to save up but your sanity and peace of mind here is far more important.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and read more about narcissistic family structures because that could well be what you are in too. Do also read and post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

This is just awful - I'm so sorry OP. I don't think I've ever heard of such a toxic family. You sound like you've weathered all their nastiness over the years really well though and you sound like a really lovely person.

But you need to leave as soon as possible - for your own mental health and to save a relationship that could suffer. It's almost like they can't bear you to be happy. What a dreadful bunch of bullies.

I think you need to have a long talk with your DP about what your life has been/is like at home. Is there a possibility you could move into his home?

I really hope this thread gives you the perspective you need to change things for the better.

What a really horrible, nasty bunch of people.

You are 25, move out.

In fact you should have left ages ago.

Your mother sounds like an utterly disgusting person and as for your sisters🙄.

Why would a house deposit be more important that your MH.

Do NOT tell them anything.

Do NOT bring this boyfriend to your home again.

Start going through your possessions so moving will be quick.

Start looking for somewhere to move to asap.

Sounce some counselling.

You need help.

For you to be baffled instead of clearly seeing your family are awful is concerning.

Get away from them.

It's NOT you, it's THEM.

Move out asap, rent somewhere whilst you save for your deposit. Your family are toxic.

You have to move out. It can’t stay like this - sadly you may be realising that not all family relationships are nice. Some are much better kept at arms length. Tbh it doesn’t sound healthy to have 3 adult children living at home anyway.

Congratulations on your lovely relationship - please see if you can spend Christmas with him and his family. I would also advise deleting your family on Facebook or restricting what they can see, as that’s being brought up as ammunition. They sound jealous and spiteful and want to try and bring you down to their level, and you sound sweet and as though you want to believe deep down they will be nice to you. I’d seriously advise not giving them the chance to upset you again.

Thank you so much everyone - im so surprised at the comments ❤️
I feel like I just mind my own business, see my boyfriend or friends a few nights a week and just sleep or go to the gym otherwise. I just don’t get why it’s constant talking about me.
The fact my sisters are clearly talking about my Facebook hurts (my mum doesn’t have it - she said I’m living in dreamland and am immature for posting all lovey dovey when I’ll probably ruin it). It annoys me that because I’ve had a break up in the past apparently nothing will work out.

Also was told I’m not an empath when a lot of people tell me I am. I’m just really hurting today and struggling at work but this has all really helped so thanks everyone

Forgot to mention too that mum absolutely laughed when I said “date night” and said it was pathetic. And I’m bringing DP into our dramas because he used the shower in the morning once when somebody else wanted to use it

With your updates OP I’d even more try to move out. 25 is fairly old to still be living at home but even more so when your parents seem to be belittling and trying to ruin your relationship with your DP.

Could you move in with him? After 6 months if you both really get on it’s not too soon?

@cherrytrees96 - agree with PP - your family sounds absolutely toxic and you have been assigned the scapegoat role. In a really warped way, it sounds a bit as if - because you're the youngest in the family - they're trying to keep you really small by belittling you, mocking you and making nasty remarks. They seem to have some kind of stake in keeping you small, doubting and vulnerable.

But it's really irrelevant why they're doing this - the point is that it's horribly toxic and you need to get yourself into a healthier environment as soon as possible. I agree with PP - you would be better off moving out now and taking a year longer to save up for a deposit.

Move out. Fuck this craziness. Also surreptitiously block your family from all your social media, lower contact

Live on your own/ house share for a bit. I would not consider moving in with your still quite new partner for a bit as I think it's a bit too much too soon. It will also be good for you to hang out with non-toxic people. A year's delay in buying a house seems a long time but it is so not and you will pay more emotionally

Consider counseling as this dynamic is very not normal.

Why are you surprised?

Aren't your friend's/boyfriend's relationships with their families totally different?

Do your sisters not have boyfriends?

You're all too old to still be living at home and it's fuelling the disfunction.

Even if it's to a house share. get out ASAP (and don't tell them till it's all organised because they'll put you through hell)

It's not you, it's them!

You really do need to move out and away from them asap.

Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. You are indeed empathetic and to these people that makes you a threat to their warped narrative that they want to keep going. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

It would also be worth finding a BACP registered therapist to work with going forward once you have moved out and away from them and you also need to deal with your fear, obligation and guilt re them too.

Yeah I think it’s probably too soon to move in with him just yet! I would love to in the future but Ive always really wanted to buy somewhere with a partner rather than rent.
Just worried it’ll stunt my progress 🥲

But I completely get what you’re all saying about mental health being more important and I do think it’s affecting me negatively so may be my best option!

Your family are ugly people.

Block your sisters on your SM as it is distressing them and your mother so much.

You need to go onto the Stately homes thread and as @AttilaTheMeerkat has suggested look up FOG.

Fear, obligation, guilt.
The hallmarks of a messed up, toxic dynamic that you are surrounded by.

Do not spend ANYMORE time baffled or confused by your family.

Start looking for a room in a house, probably best value and keep your boyfriend away from the family home.

Your family are grinding you down.

Get out.
Keep posting.