AIBU? Family relationship

[cherrytrees96]

Sorry long one!

I’m 25 and I’ve always had a bit of a funny relationship with my family. Two older sisters who I’ve grown up feeling belittled by and ganged up on. I feel like I get on with them sometimes and they’re completely off with me the next. There’s a lot of underlying tension which turns into claiming I don’t care about them and drunk arguments usually fuelled by them. They’ve called me an attention seeker before (because I said I felt depressed in lockdown), they leave me out of cousin events and when I went travelling for two months they didn’t even ask about it. I wouldn’t say I’m close with them.

I live with them and my parents who I know for a fact care about me. They step up when they need to eg picking me up from places, helping me move things to uni etc etc. I’m really grateful for them. But things aren’t always rosey with them either - they laughed at me last year when I struggled in lockdown and said I felt hopeless. Dad said mental health issues aren’t real. I’ve also been so close to moving out 2 or 3 times. I also know everyone constantly talks about me behind my back as mum says so.

Here’s the latest problem - I’ve been with my DP about 6months now. I’m extremely happy and it’s a calm, refreshing relationship. We see each other one evening a week, and the weekend (one or two days depending on plans with friends). We both have our own space and lives. He’s met my family, come to some events (not all) and really fits in. I asked if he could come for Christmas evening and they said it was okay. When I bring DP round they greet him with warmth and my sisters really like him.
The other day I bought him round on our usual evening. My DP is a really chilled person but he asked if he’d done something wrong as everyone seemed really off with him. I reassured him that everyone’s probably tired and he’s done nothing.

Fast forward to today and I ask my family if DP can come to the family meal we have booked. Instantly it kicked off. My parents said that them and my sister feel that I’m “self absorbed”, “too needy” and “obsessed”. They said they’ve all been talking about how I am messing up relationship single handedly and I am toxic (bearing in mind my last one was 5 years and ended amicably and maturely). Im being too intense seeing him twice a week.
They said “why do you have to bring me and everyone here into your dramas” - this translates to me bringing my DP round one evening a week and eating dinner with them because I thought it was nice. Apparently that’s abnormal. My DP said he feels really welcome and loves spending time with them which I thought was lovely.

I mentioned me being invited to his family meal and mum said “I bet his parents are fed up of you”. She tried to tell me how my DP and his parents feel constantly. Said DP probably doesn’t even want to come for Christmas and I made him (he is so excited about it!).
She then said i was immature because, in a mimicky voice, “ooooh I’m all over Facebook and we’re staying in a little log cabin oooh” (I posted one picture of the trip).

I’m just completely baffled. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells everyone talking about me 24/7. I now don’t feel like I can bring my DP round (he lives 45 mins away). They said it’s nothing to do with him as they like him - just me.

I want to move out but I’ll be devastated as I’m about a year away from having a house deposit and this will really really stunt my progress if I rent and it’ll take me probably a year longer at least. Plus there’s the hassle of finding a house share. I’m not sure it’s an option but it’s ridiculous.

I just am so baffled, upset and don’t know what to do.

OP this is really sad to read, I’m so sorry your family are like this with you. It is bullying behaviour and my initial thought was that your sisters are quite jealous of your happy, stable relationship. Your Mum sounds cold and cruel, laughing at your phrase or ‘date night’ and picking holes in your happiness whether it be a Facebook post or not is truly toxic and you sound lovely.

Please confide properly in your boyfriend, it sounds like you are hiding the truth from him which doesn’t need to be done.

Distance, distance, distance. If you really must spend another year under there roof then do so and grit your teeth but if I’d be looking at every possible opportunity not to be staying there with these bullies.

Pleased to read your update on potential house-share. You’ll feel so free!!

Really struggling today 🙁
I’ve always been a really over sensitive person and struggled mentally at school (struggled to make friends as thought everyone hated me), struggled at uni (disagreements with some housemates, diagnosed with anxiety), big break up last year, an unfair dismissal from work. Really thought I sorted myself out. On the surface I’m successful with a well paid job and a nice car and a lovely boyfriend / friends but looking at my past, maybe I am a massive burden on everyone.
I told DP how I feel and he’s been so supportive but I got upset this morning and I feel worried I’m spiralling again and taking it out on him. I’m crying at work atm and my head is a mess ☹️

And thank you so much @billy1966 and @LOTTIE881

@FrenchBoule

A year later delay in getting a deposit is nothing comparing to a year of abuse,gaslightning and treading on eggshells. I’d rent a room somewhere to get away from your toxic family asap.

It’s them not you.

OP, you’re the family scapegoat, whatever you do you will never get their acceptance and approval because you have been assigned a role of a punchbag.

Move out asap and don’t look back.

In the meantime get yourself some counselling.

This. Honestly this is not you. You don't exist to be their punchbag. This is not you x

The thing is we all see things through filters. They see themselves as great parents and sisters so of course they see you as the problem. They needle at you, you react, they get to claim the moral high ground.

Move out. You'll cut the legs out from under them. But definitely get counselling with someone accredited by BACP / NCS / similar.

OP,

I cannot stress enough to you if this is the behaviour you have dealt with from your family throughout your life, I do not doubt that you have had these struggles.

You poor pet.

You really need to move into a peaceful space so that you can begin to pick this apart with the aim of gaining some peace.

The home environment that you have been surrounded by would give anxito a stone.

Please believe that you have a good life ahead of you, if you can just be brave enough to take the leap to move the fxck out of home.

Keep posting

I am sure that when you do eventually move out of your family home and away from the three witches you live with your mental health and anxiety will improve tremendously. It seems like the undermining and toxic environment you have been brought up in has made you very sensitive to any perceived 'flaws' you see in yourself. Your experiences at school, uni and the unfair dismissal could happen to anyone and are not a reflection of your self worth. Your family have probably caused this by their constant put downs of you. Sounds like there's an awful lot of jealousy going on there too with the back stabbing.

Get away, breath fresher air and thrive. You sound competent, successful and emotionally aware. I wonder why your family pick on you (hmm)

I hope you find a great place with your friend. Then I would block your sisters on FB and drastically limit the amount of information you give your family about your life.

@Dacquoise

I am sure that when you do eventually move out of your family home and away from the three witches you live with your mental health and anxiety will improve tremendously. It seems like the undermining and toxic environment you have been brought up in has made you very sensitive to any perceived 'flaws' you see in yourself. Your experiences at school, uni and the unfair dismissal could happen to anyone and are not a reflection of your self worth. Your family have probably caused this by their constant put downs of you. Sounds like there's an awful lot of jealousy going on there too with the back stabbing.

Get away, breath fresher air and thrive. You sound competent, successful and emotionally aware. I wonder why your family pick on you (hmm)

I really agree with this.

All those things are very normal.

They are parts of life.

Getting fired, falling out with friends, suffering a bit of anxiety, all part of young adulthood that you will look back on in your 50's and just want to give yourself a big hug.

Shit happens.
It's what you learn from experiences that is usually important.

Sometimes you don't learn anything other than some bosses are dickheads and it's just a part of a long working career.

I certainly worked for a few gobshites in my time.
You just get through it.
Don't take their awfulness on board.

You're not doing yourself any good over-analysing your mean and nasty family...don't try to work out why they do it or what you do in response...they're extremely toxic and you need to focus on a life without them. Honestly, they are bad for you and that probably brings out a side of you that you don't particularly like either.

Get the hell out of there. Focus on the good things you have - think of your lovely DP and stop thinking that anyone is going to make you feel any better about your family. If he hasn't been a part of this dysfunctional unit then he really won't have a clue what's going on.

I've replied to you before on a previous post. They won't change so you need to reduce your contact with them. Get out of there and get them out of your head!

It kicked off again and honestly I feel it’s my fault this time…
It started as my parents telling me a family member is visiting soon and I said me and DP will pop in as we have plans that day. They took that as “you don’t wanna come then, you’re avoiding us then” and I explained that I already had plans but will pop in and that i’d be polite to my sister but don’t particularly want a massive chat with her. They called me out for causing an atmosphere and then moaned that I’ve been “sneaking around” as I didn’t say hello on my return to work as I was tired, comparing it to my sister.

Things kicked off again from here and parents said they don’t feel the need to apologise as it’s called “tough love” and said it “makes them sick” when I say they belittle and undermine me because it’s completely normal. I tried to explain that I apologised for my part and they just need to apologise for making me upset, whether they believe it or not, but they just didn’t.

So a few things were said by both of us that we didn’t mean, and my dad went upstairs angrily to start packing my things and to get out of the house. So I did. Mum then said don’t leave, he won’t mean it, just be out by the weekend. But I said no because I was so upset at this point I just needed to leave the house. My head was a mess and they were guarding the door but I really needed to get out so I tried to resist. They accused me of playing games, wanting to be the victim and doing it for attention/drama. They took away my car key and wouldn’t let me leave. Dad threw me to the floor, gripping my coat tight so that I couldn’t move and by this point I was a state and was trying to leave (I didn’t feel unsafe, I just wanted to leave and clear my head).
Mum threatened to call the police and they were both looking down on me saying “look at her, she’s an animal, shall we call a doctor, she’s not right in the head”.

They then said if I leave then it’s over, they’ll cut me off completely and I’ll leave with no one. I felt so overwhelmed so called my friend who lives down the road and she picked me up.

I am still there now. I feel like I’ve made a massive massive mistake now :(

I think they have just been trying to help and it is tough love sometimes but I just wish they would see that the things they say hurt me sometimes. I said I’ve never doubted that they’ve brought me up well but the family dynamic can be toxic

It isn't tough love op.. IT IS ABUSE.
PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
I hope you have your car and things and are safe.

I hope you’re ok OP. They are very abusive and seem to prod at everything you say so that they can twist it into an argument and then turn it all on to you.
The fact that your dad was packing up your stuff then the next minute he was pinning you down when you decided to leave says volumes about how twisted they are.
Even your mom saying don’t leave, but be gone by the Weekend wtf?!!
They are twisted and the sooner you leave, get therapy and go low contact, the sooner you’ll realise how twisted and toxic they really are.

It’s just tricky as they’ve done so much for me growing up and I am grateful and I feel I’ve thrown it back in their face by leaving when they begged me not to :( mum said the stress is killing her as she’s not that young anymore

Parents are supposed to do everything they can for their children. It’s good to be grateful but that was then.
They are presently being abusive bastards and are probably throwing it at you about how good they have been to you just to guilt trip you.
YOU deserve to be happy and choosing to leave home is completely normal but your mothers reaction is NOT normal. It sounds like she wants you there as her personal punchbag and without you there she won’t be able to stir up so much drama, which she seems to enjoy.
IF they were as great as you say, they would be happy for you to spread your wings and would help rather than hinder you. They certainly would not guilt trip you and give you so many mixed messages.
Just leave and you’ll feel much healthier mentally. You’re just living your life away from them - you’re not shooting them in the head!

OP, So called ‘Tough love’ instigated by a disturbed family member with all the emotional maturity and intelligence of an amoeba has wrecked my life and left me with cptsd and severe . You are being bullied, threatened and with a fair amount of gaslighting thrown in for good measure. My advice échos that of pretty much everyone who has commented on the thread - Move out, do it with dignity and as quickly as possible. Things are not going to get any better, no matter how much you hope that they will. Take responsibility for your future happiness and well being and refuse to accept the role they have allotted you as the family scapegoat. Let one of your sisters fill the vacancy!

They also said “I don’t need to respect you, I need to bring you up” :(

Your parents are so abusive.

You are a victim of domestic abuse.

Your father assaulted you.

You do realise that?

Your father assaulted you by throwing you to the floor.

Have you called Women's aid?

Please try and help yourself.

Your parents are very bad people and you have been conditioned to accept it.

You could report your father for assaulting you.

He is not allowed to throw you to the floor.

That is a crime.

They are nasty, vicious, controlling bullies.

Ring Women's aid NOW.

If you do not take control and move away from them, you are never going to have a chance of a decent furture.

As for this nice partner of yours, how long is he going to stick around for this toxic drama?

If he was my son, I would tell him run.
I would not want MY son involved with a toxic family like yours.

Look for any accommodation so you can move out asap.

These are not good people.

Since when is tough love for a 25 year old woman assaulting her and throwing her to the ground?

Ring Women's aid NOW.

They do not need to bring you up.

You are 25.

Get out.

Help yourself.

OP If they cut you off and never spoke to you again they’d be doing you a favour. None of this is normal (I have a toxic parent as well so I know it’s hard to accept it’s abuse when you want to believe it’s just the quirks of families, but it isnt).

These people are abusing and gaslighting you and you’re clearly a million times more intelligent emotionally and practically than they are. Get out and stay out - they bring nothing to your life but misery.

I don’t think they assaulted me because I was trying to push past them to get out and he didn’t want me driving in the state I was in.
They keep telling me that I think I’m above everyone else and clearly much more intelligent than them as well.
I keep thinking about all the things they do for me and I feel bad now, and I’m worried about Christmas etc

But yes me and my friend are actively looking for a flat and going to move in ASAP, DP said I can stay with him in the meantime if I need to

I think you are the family scapegoat. This is not how loving families behave.

The mental health comments from the Dad are cruel, as are your mum taking the piss out of you. This is not normal behaviour and I'm guessing you've put up with a lot worse and have poor boundaries. Start standing up for yourself. Move out and keep them away from you and your DP.

They sound jealous - have you been more successful or done things they haven't?

You're 25 OP, a grown adult and any 'bringing up' is done and dusted, if they don't like/respect the person they've raised that's on them, not you. Not that there's anything wrong with you, somehow you've managed to grow up to be a decent person but it's despite them, not because of them.

I wish you could see how completely this is them and not you, there is nothing wrong with you, please believe that. It's good that you've left, don't go back, find a way to strike out on your own and stay away from them and their negativity as much as you possibly can.

Read up on toxic families and FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), join the Stately Homes thread on here and be the person you know you are, not who they're trying to paint you as. PP's have it right, the bad stuff they say about you is nothing more than projection of all their shortcomings, please don't be their scapegoat for one more second