AIBU? Family relationship

[cherrytrees96]

Sorry long one!

I’m 25 and I’ve always had a bit of a funny relationship with my family. Two older sisters who I’ve grown up feeling belittled by and ganged up on. I feel like I get on with them sometimes and they’re completely off with me the next. There’s a lot of underlying tension which turns into claiming I don’t care about them and drunk arguments usually fuelled by them. They’ve called me an attention seeker before (because I said I felt depressed in lockdown), they leave me out of cousin events and when I went travelling for two months they didn’t even ask about it. I wouldn’t say I’m close with them.

I live with them and my parents who I know for a fact care about me. They step up when they need to eg picking me up from places, helping me move things to uni etc etc. I’m really grateful for them. But things aren’t always rosey with them either - they laughed at me last year when I struggled in lockdown and said I felt hopeless. Dad said mental health issues aren’t real. I’ve also been so close to moving out 2 or 3 times. I also know everyone constantly talks about me behind my back as mum says so.

Here’s the latest problem - I’ve been with my DP about 6months now. I’m extremely happy and it’s a calm, refreshing relationship. We see each other one evening a week, and the weekend (one or two days depending on plans with friends). We both have our own space and lives. He’s met my family, come to some events (not all) and really fits in. I asked if he could come for Christmas evening and they said it was okay. When I bring DP round they greet him with warmth and my sisters really like him.
The other day I bought him round on our usual evening. My DP is a really chilled person but he asked if he’d done something wrong as everyone seemed really off with him. I reassured him that everyone’s probably tired and he’s done nothing.

Fast forward to today and I ask my family if DP can come to the family meal we have booked. Instantly it kicked off. My parents said that them and my sister feel that I’m “self absorbed”, “too needy” and “obsessed”. They said they’ve all been talking about how I am messing up relationship single handedly and I am toxic (bearing in mind my last one was 5 years and ended amicably and maturely). Im being too intense seeing him twice a week.
They said “why do you have to bring me and everyone here into your dramas” - this translates to me bringing my DP round one evening a week and eating dinner with them because I thought it was nice. Apparently that’s abnormal. My DP said he feels really welcome and loves spending time with them which I thought was lovely.

I mentioned me being invited to his family meal and mum said “I bet his parents are fed up of you”. She tried to tell me how my DP and his parents feel constantly. Said DP probably doesn’t even want to come for Christmas and I made him (he is so excited about it!).
She then said i was immature because, in a mimicky voice, “ooooh I’m all over Facebook and we’re staying in a little log cabin oooh” (I posted one picture of the trip).

I’m just completely baffled. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells everyone talking about me 24/7. I now don’t feel like I can bring my DP round (he lives 45 mins away). They said it’s nothing to do with him as they like him - just me.

I want to move out but I’ll be devastated as I’m about a year away from having a house deposit and this will really really stunt my progress if I rent and it’ll take me probably a year longer at least. Plus there’s the hassle of finding a house share. I’m not sure it’s an option but it’s ridiculous.

I just am so baffled, upset and don’t know what to do.

Bless you Op. You are trying to make sense of your family's weird behaviour but you won't be able to. Because their behaviour won't ever make sense to a decent, rational person.

Let's look at the huge positive here - you clearly come from a dysfunctional family (sorry) and yet you have emerged as a decent, thoughtful person. Someone with good friends and a lovely bf. Huge credit to you for that.

You won't change your family. They are what they are. The best you can do is accept that, reduce contact with them as much as you're able, and concentrate on the other people in your life - your friends, bf etc.

I echo others, try to move out asap. They aren't good for your MH and it looks like they'd love to get between you and your bf. Don't let them posion the good relationships that you do have.

Don't confide stuff in them that they don't need to know. Don't be drawn in to arguements. Live you life your way and leave them to their nastiness and bitterness.

I suspect there is a lot of jealousy in them for the things you've achieved and the life you're building. A loving family would be thrilled for you, not envious. Your mother should be happy that you've got a nice bf and a social life. She should be sharing your excitement about a trip away and encouraging your friendships.

You sound lovely. Don't waste any more of your life analysing or trying to change people who just want to drag you down.

Thank you so much everyone ❤️ I think I’ve pretty much decided! One of my good friends was also hoping to move out so it’s the perfect flat mate. DP is excited for me and supportive of me as always.
Thanks again guys x

Wow, not you at all! Can you get a room in a house for 18 months maybe and still save up? If not I'd just stay put but distance yourself as much as possible, give no reaction, maybe see a therapist to talk through your family issues to save your sanity while you save up. They sound awful and you sound totally normal!

Yes second that they sound unhinged and you sound completely normal!!

It would be so great if you could flat/house share with your friend while saving for a deposit. I'm convinced your self-worth will just increase exponentially once you have some sort of distance from your family.

You don't have to deliberately cut ties but you are SO much better than how they are trying to make you feel. I think you are hopefully starting to realise this and I'm sure that this is your springboard moment!!

Would love to have an update on how you're doing in a few months. I wish you the best of luck - you so deserve it!!

You’re family is extremely toxic. They have targeted you as their punching bag and it’s not healthy for you at all.

I understand you’re saving for a deposit. You can stick it out and stay in the toxic environment dealing with their dysfunction, or you can move out into a shared apartment and rent a room for one year and cut some expenses so you can still have your deposit.

There is no reason to stay and continue to let them mistreat you. You don’t have to allow your family to mistreat you just because they’re your family. You deserve better.

@cherrytrees96

Thank you so much everyone ❤️ I think I’ve pretty much decided! One of my good friends was also hoping to move out so it’s the perfect flat mate. DP is excited for me and supportive of me as always. Thanks again guys x

Wonderful news.

How exciting.

Do NOT say a word.

Get organised, move any bits you can out and just do a final pack up.

This is so exciting.

You will just love the peace of your own space.

So delighted for you.

Present it to your family as a happy, exciting move.

Don't allow yourself to get dragged into ANY drama.

Just get out of there and distance yourself from their toxicity.

Going forward, keep your business private.

Tell them nothing.

They talk about you because they know too much.

Tell them nothing.

Try and move as far away as is convenient to work.

You do not want them dropping in on you.

They sound like they would, so the location you pick is important.

Keep posting.

Oh god they sound awful, so sorry they are being so horrible 😔

I agree with others, definitely flat share with your friend. Looking after your mental health is the most important thing, put yourself first and ignore their horrible comments. You can also restrict what certain people can see on your Facebook so you can set it up so they can’t see your posts if you don’t want the initial flak from them for blocking them!

I wouldn’t tell them you are going to move until it is all signed and you know you have a date to move. Try and distance yourself from
them and their toxicity.

I’m glad that you have lovely friends and boyfriend!

We are all meant to be going out today.. Kind of dreading it

Do not go with them if you're referring to your family.

Flatshare with your friend. Glad to read also that your boyfriend remains supportive of you.

I'd claim you're unwell and then look for flat shares.

They're jealous of you.

They’ll just use it as ammo though won’t they? Plus I’ll feel guilty it’s been planned for months

@cherrytrees96

Please please move out ASAP. I've been where you were in a much minor way with regards to family relations and moving out was the very best thing that ever happened to me.
Your friend being ready to move out too is a good omen!! DO IT!!

Let them use it against you. Avoid them as much as you can until you can move out. Stay at your partners every weekend if possible. Don't tell them your moving out until you have a place secured.

It all kicked off when I said I’m not going and I’m now starting to think I’m the selfish one because mum was ready to put on a front and enjoy our day and I wasn’t :( sister tried to speak to me rationally and explain herself and I just ended up attacking her. Also every single one of my family members have all slated me and told me all the things they’ve done for me and reminded me how delusional I probably am.
Mums in bits that I’m not coming and I feel like I’ve ruined everything now.
I’m starting to think maybe I’m the delusional one :(

You’re not the delusional one, they think your opinion and feelings don’t matter and that they can manipulate you. Why can’t they go out without you rather than them cussing a drama about it?

Can you get out of the house and avoid them?

I just feel awful cos it was a birthday treat for mum. I feel like the selfish one now

That was their whole intention; to make you feel bad. You are the scapegoat here and will remain so too within your family because that is the role they have assigned you.

You need to move out, spend as little time with them as possible going forward and put mental distance as well as physical distance between you and they. I would also think your sister is very much a carbon copy of mother; she remains the "golden child" here (but that is a role not without price either).

Its not you at fault here, its them.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

That was their whole intention; to make you feel bad. You are the scapegoat here and will remain so too within your family because that is the role they have assigned you.

You need to move out, spend as little time with them as possible going forward and put mental distance as well as physical distance between you and they. I would also think your sister is very much a carbon copy of mother; she remains the "golden child" here (but that is a role not without price either).

Its not you at fault here, its them.

This.

They like being nasty to you.

It is a sport and diversion for them, from their small, inconsequential little lives.

They cannot bear that you are not like them.

Use them being gone to start organising your stuff and make plans to move asap.

You can tell them that you are obviously causing them to be upset and it is best you move out and give them space.

When you have moved out and get counselling you will fully realise just how toxic your environment has been.

Use the day wisely and get your stuff sorted for moving.

Keep posting, we are hear for you.

Have you any friend who would put you up in the interim?

Take anything of value with you.

People like your family are capable of damaging "accidentally" your stuff.

I’m really struggling tonight as I’m feeling intense guilt for not going as it was her birthday thing. And they have always done things for me when I needed them. It’s just when it kicks off it really kicks off like it did today; ended up belittling me, sister telling me my life is a car crash (struggled with anxiety at school and at uni, fell out with some friends, had a big break up last year, lost a job in covid).
Sister also told me my one post of my boyfriend was way too cringe, and that when I’m around DP I seem to have had a personality transplant and I act completely different. I try to explain that it’s probably me being myself, as I don’t feel myself around her and truthfully never have. All 3 agreed that that’s my problem.

Just really starting to think maybe I’m the problem

OP,

They are vicious.

I really mean vicious.

I bet you that if you go into counselling you will discover that a lot of your anxiety is a result of them belittling you, being nasty, ganging up on you.

How could they not.

People who genuinely care about you don't say things like that.

It is so awful.

Of course you have had anxiety.

I am late 50's and I find reading your posts upsetting.

I would have anxiety if I was living with people who werevso unkind.

Please, please, focus your energies on what you can change about this situation....

Your living arrangements.

They are truly awful people to speak to anyone like that.

Really ugly people.

Get on to your friend and ask can you stay a few days.

Pack a bag and go.

Don't be there when they come bag.

You are an emotional punching bag for these awful people.

Save yourself.

Get out.

This has jealously written all over it op. Keep your chin up and get looking for a flat :)

How are you OP?

How are you feeling?

How are your plans progressing?

Hi!

Thanks for checking not really any update yet, spent the weekend with DP. I’m back home tonight but haven’t spoken to anyone. Been looking up flats with my friend but no progress yet! I’ll keep you updated x

Glad you are ok👍

Definitely keep looking.

Get organised.