DP sudden loss of sex drive / attraction. Hurting.

[labramundi]

Long term relationship with older DC. We have always had an active sex life (at least twice a week), even if it wasn't that adventurous after the first few years.

I have had some changes to appearance. I'm heavier than when we met and DC not been kind on my stomach to the point I probably should get surgery to fix it. However those things didn't seem to completely put him off before.

If I'm honest, the past 3 years he has been less interested or just wanting quickies piv or oral (he doesn't really caress my body, kiss etc). We've had arguments and strife about it as it makes me really insecure. It would be ok if he'd talk about it but he won't so I gave up trying to talk.

He refuses to discuss anything saying nothing has changed for him. He does make 'joking' comments about my weight or shape though .

So, fast forward to recently (like past month).

Things are really awkward. He is way, way more affectionate and huggy than usual, all hand holding and hugs but zero sexual advances at all other than jokey touching my breasts for seconds. It's all very strange. I've never pressurised him at all, I rarely ever ask for sex (it's just the way I am, I do have cues). He keeps asking me if I'm OK, telling me he loves me etc. Way more clingy than normal. Keeps telling me how important I am to him and how he loves my company. But we'll have a day off work together DC at school and he'll say something like "I haven't showered, don't expect sex" . He seems pensive and sad too.

He's 42 and he has one health issue but I don't think it impacts sex, I'm 34. DC are 15 and 12.

Is he just not attracted to me anymore??

My alarm bells would be ringing at this sudden behaviour change and is suspicious of an affair

Sounds very suspicious

@misssunshine4040 Yeah I have thought of that. He isn't the type, but then I am pragmatic enough to know that they don't need to be the type!! I am still erring on the side of no he isn't cheating. He's a strange kind of character and the way I'm pretty sure I know how he'd act if cheating or thinking about it, doesn't really add up to what's going on currently. He'd act differently (I think). I think it's a lack of desire for me and that makes me sad, but whilst I wouldn't rule it out, I'm not thinking cheating.

I would say… he’s met someone or is up to something.

I would be more inclined to wonder if he was ok rather than assume cheating tbh. A sudden loss of libido combined with him looking for reassurance could have a mental health or physical medical cause

Maybe I’ve read too much mn, also, but wondered whether his head has been turned also.

Oh no. I really hope not.

I was thinking it was 'just' that I've put on quite a bit of weight in the past few years (PCOS - I honestly don't overeat at all I have 1500 calories a day and count ruthlessly and exercise a LOT but since turning 30 it's crept up regardless).

He keeps commenting that I need to go running or exercise. Despite him being overweight himself. I have diastasis muscle separation so my belly is not a pretty sight, and nothing but surgery will fix it.

It never seemed to bother him as much before though.

I have no idea what it is as he won't talk about it at all.

He is being really weird past few weeks though. Clingy and cannot keep an erection when we have had sex once or twice. When it used to be no problem.

OP lots of meds can mess with libido. Could be something medical.

I don’t think he’s having an affair. Especially if he is being needy and physically affectionate. Maybe his sex drive has lowered and the affection etc is him compensating for his lack of drive. Maybe he’s pensive and sad because he feels inadequate about the sex side of your relationship? I can recall going a bit hot and cold during our sexual relationship, where we had a bit of a dry patch for a couple of months, then would resume. Sometimes there doesn’t need to be a specific reason. I guess the answer is to just be open with each other, and talk. Men do put a lot of importance on sex, so he’s probably feeling as bad about it as you.

It doesn’t make me think affair.. it makes me think he’s having some sort of erectile dysfunction issue and is trying to either fix it or cover it up. Perhaps he’s making ‘suggestions’ about you as he is trying to pin it on something- it’s obviously not you but perhaps he is freaking out. Can you try and talk honestly with him about it, something along the lines of ‘I’ve noticed we aren’t intimate anymore- I’ve been worried you are having an affair or having some issues- what’s going on?’ And try a soft approach and see what he comes out with. I wonder if he’s panicking as he’s struggled to get it up and clutching at straws as to what to do. Xo

I actually don’t know why you care about this man who is so cruel towards you. Next time he mentions anything about your body (the one that has birthed his children!) I would ask the tosser what his excuse is for being a fatty.

So you already exercise a lot and he is encouraging more exercise? But he himself isn’t in shape?

Do you find him physically attractive as you did when you first met? It seems very one sided.

I don't even know the man and I'm very, very suspicious. This is classic cheater's behaviour I'm afraid.

@claymodels He's developed arthritis over the past year but he changed towards me years before that, and the sudden stop has only been for a month or so. Doesn't sound like much, but it's so, so unusual for us.

That coupled with the 'joking comments' he makes about my weight and body shape being different, makes me think it could be lack of attraction.

The clinginess to me could be to do with the arthritis I suppose.

Could he be struggling with death grip , some men can hide it for years then start to struggle to get or keep erections

@ButWeWereOnaBreak He isn't on any meds. he has arthritis and it has been quite bad and debilitating recently for him, but only takes ibuprofen. He refuses to go to doctors since initial diagnosis.

It's just so strange. Nearly 2 decades in.

@Livelovebehappy Yes, I hope it's that, as we have been through a lot together, we still make each other roar with laughter almost every day. His random comments about my appearance (not positive - like lifting me up and 'joking' that I need to go running or saying my autoimmune condition makes me look ill), makes me think it is lack of attraction though. He'd never want to lose me, we are best friends, but I feel like our sex life is failing.

@sjxoxo He just won't talk about anything like it. He just dismisses everything. Denies that anything has changed, although it's obvious that it has. How can we be so awkward together yet be so close in other ways?? It was amazing for the first decade then ok and now it feels like he wants me as a comfort blanket, not a woman. I am 2 stone heavier than when we met (1 stone overweight) and I'm short in height but that has honestly remained stable for a few years (it all went on when I turned 30), it's only recently sex has ground to a halt. I have to watch what I eat all the time and exercise just to stay the same weight.

@Scarydinosaurs I do find him as attractive. But I am a bit 'bored' of his body I suppose. Like I have to make effort to 'see' the aspects of him I liked at the start. But definitely still find him attractive and want to have sex (in the way he doesn't seem to with me). He hasn't changed as much physically as me though in body shape. He's 'only' a bit older and a stone or so heavier with a bit of a belly.

The clinginess can indeed be a sign of an affair - like they’re over compensating for something. As is the impotence when they try and get sexual. Almost as if they’re cheating on the OW.

Sorry it’s the first thing I thought of, hope it’s not that. But tbh given how he’s crushed your self esteem with his comments, he’s either a cheat or a cruel bastard so not sure which is worse.

I don’t think him being clingy is a sign of an affair though. From my experience with my DH when he started an affair, rather than be clingy he mentally checked out of our relationship and was distant. I think being clingy is more a sign of him being insecure and wanting to prove he cares, even though the sex isn’t there.

If not an affair, porn. Death grip.

I dont think he's cheating. I think he has erection problems and anxiety around that. Does he use a lot of porn? When my exDH was using porn, he only ever wanted quickie and blow jobs off me, literally a mechanical function to allow him to cum.

He isn’t very nice to you is he commenting on your weight he’s encouraging you to do more exercise and yet you are taking good care of your health, he sounds a right nasty but of work when he’s a fatty but bringing you down to make himself feel better! Sounds very suspicious to me, you deserve better

@RaisedByPangolins Yeah, I've not liked his comments. I have been fortunate to have 2 lovely DC, but I have not been fortunate in that I got diastasis and permanently look 3/4 months pregnant since, with a wrinkly tummy, since DS 12 was born. In 2019/20 put on a stone. I'm still 'only' a stone overweight and that's held since with me dieting (pcos). I have autoimmune problem since 2017 that probably does make me look a bit ill.

I'm aware and insecure about these changes. It's really painful to me that he seems to have gone off me sexually very recently, despite still wanting to do everything together, hugging me more than usual, being loving and affectionate (non sexual) more than usual. I haven't said much recently, I wanted to wait and see, but he keeps asking me what is wrong.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I actually don’t know why you care about this man who is so cruel towards you. Next time he mentions anything about your body (the one that has birthed his children!) I would ask the tosser what his excuse is for being a fatty.

All of this. Your body has carried his children and borne the impact of that, but he thinks he can criticise you? I agree that he is probably trying to cover his ED up by blaming it on you or his head has been turned by someone else.

Either way he sounds like an arse.