DP sudden loss of sex drive / attraction. Hurting.

[labramundi]

Long term relationship with older DC. We have always had an active sex life (at least twice a week), even if it wasn't that adventurous after the first few years.

I have had some changes to appearance. I'm heavier than when we met and DC not been kind on my stomach to the point I probably should get surgery to fix it. However those things didn't seem to completely put him off before.

If I'm honest, the past 3 years he has been less interested or just wanting quickies piv or oral (he doesn't really caress my body, kiss etc). We've had arguments and strife about it as it makes me really insecure. It would be ok if he'd talk about it but he won't so I gave up trying to talk.

He refuses to discuss anything saying nothing has changed for him. He does make 'joking' comments about my weight or shape though .

So, fast forward to recently (like past month).

Things are really awkward. He is way, way more affectionate and huggy than usual, all hand holding and hugs but zero sexual advances at all other than jokey touching my breasts for seconds. It's all very strange. I've never pressurised him at all, I rarely ever ask for sex (it's just the way I am, I do have cues). He keeps asking me if I'm OK, telling me he loves me etc. Way more clingy than normal. Keeps telling me how important I am to him and how he loves my company. But we'll have a day off work together DC at school and he'll say something like "I haven't showered, don't expect sex" . He seems pensive and sad too.

He's 42 and he has one health issue but I don't think it impacts sex, I'm 34. DC are 15 and 12.

Is he just not attracted to me anymore??

Is it half term yet?

[quote labramundi]@LuluBlakey1 The NHS won't pay for it. I've asked. It's 'cosmetic' unless your guts are literally spilling out.

I think that and a few other issues have affected the way he sees me.[/quote]
It honestly isn't you. You are not undesirable. You've beaten yourself up over this for a number of years because of his comments and they are unkind and uncaring. He doesn't sound like a Greek God himself from how you've described him.
We all change as we go through life- I have a saggy tummy from 3 babies in 5 years and losing weight. It doesn't matter how much DH tells me, or shows me, how attractive he finds me- I can't ignore how awful I think it is. But it's me and I think, despite it, he's lucky to have me 😁. He's not a Greek God either.
You don't deserve the way he is behaving - it is very destructive behaviour from him, destructive of your self-esteem, of your relationship with him and he is eroding your trust in him-which is very hard to repair.
He needs to be honest with you. Don't tolerate the hugging and hanging onto you- he's like a child. He needs to grow up and do the honest thing, stop thinking about himself and talk to you.

OP please stop saying you're not attractive to him. You like most mums have a belly, this doesn't define you and doesn't stop you being attractive.

It's normal if someone has changed towards us to start looking inwards and work out what we can change, its human nature to wonder if its 'our fault'

But nothing has changed here in the last few years other than your husbands behaviour in the last month. He has just stopped your sex life and wont tell you why and that is just cruel. He has changed something about your relationship massively and to not discuss it is really horrible. Any other major changes in a relationship would be discussed so why not this.

My guess is its ED, he knows you wont be pleased having no sex life and so is trying to show affection in other ways but he is too embarrassed to talk about it. Unfortunately this sounds like he will be too embarrassed to do anything to help himself either like go to the doctors

Quick diagnosis: Pornhubitis

But it's easier to blame the wife for the extra weight because that's what dickheads do... take the path of least resistence rather than own their shit which is, in your case, a husband who has engineered a dead bedroom. My ex-husband had 'health issues (yeah right)', ED, blah fucking blah blah blah blah blah. Oh, AND OF COURSE I was part of the problem and also the recipient of these sort of jokes taking the piss out of our dead bedroom, kind of in a 'what are WE like, eh?' sort of way. Seemingly harmless jokes that left teethmarks. Half-joking, whole in earnest. You get the picture.
I had been shelved, rejected, discarded and I knew this. How do you keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen a gazillion probably underage bleached assholes?
My former husband had a terrible addiction to porn. I knew he watched it- it was a real dent in our marriage, to say the least. But because he's now facing prison for sexual abuse, the tentacles of his porn addiction reach beyond the pale. It's been a shocking time for us. I won't go into further detail because it's a thread for days, this one.
This is my experience, of course. Your DH is likely not some total porn-addicted perv. Mine is! However, my point is, pornography is probably the elephant in the room here. Your husband ticks all the boxes of a man who can no longer have sex with his wife because what's on-screen is the only thing that works for him. His sexual appetite could possibly be damaged by porn. You should consider this.

I think porn too, after you saying he doesn’t really meet many females in real life and therefore not much opportunity for an affair.

Not many men just suddenly stop wanting to have sex with their partners for no reason. If my DH did that, and I ruled out an affair, my next guess would be porn.

@RockinHorseShit I really would not judge him if he would just talk to me. If he isn't attracted to me (understandable, honestly, I'm no oil painting nowadays), if it is his arthritis (although he was like this a bit before but not as bad).

He just won't talk about the obvious elephant in the room. Although yes does make those comments about my weight!!

Since sex stopped (a month ago after twice weekly plus for years), he has been really affectionate and seeking reassurance but also seems sad.

@labramundi STOP IT!!!!!

Rephrase that in your head. Your amazing body has just produced an actual human being, those flaws you judge yourself on are natures badge that you are freaking amazing. Any man who genuinely judges you as less than freaking awesome for that is an immature dickhead.

Right now until he opens up & talks to you about what is going on with him, you don't know that he is thinking that way.

You do need to sit him down & tell him in no uncertain terms though, that his lack of communication about the obvious elephant in the room is leaving you to think the worst. That he either hates your post baby body which makes him an immature dickhead or he's having an affair of some sort, or has a porn issue. He needs to speak up if it's health related, he needs to speak up & be 100% honest with you no matter what it is, as nothing he has to say will be worse than what your imagination in your head is going on with him. It may even be that your lack of confidence is the issue for him too, but yiu are never going to know until you force that conversation.

If it is your worst fear, then he's a dickhead who doesn't appreciate how freaking amazing you are & you know what to do, he doesn't deserve you. But make him talk, I suspect it isn't that at all.

Keep going back to your GP.

I’ve had friends who have had it on the NHS and it sounds like yours is very bad.

With your husband - I’d say next time he makes a comment, maybe try and open a discussion by saying “can we talk more about that?” And push him there.

It’s not okay that he won’t talk to you.

Or, when he makes his loving declarations try and initiate a discussion then by saying “Part of loving someone is being honest with them, even when the truth is uncomfortable…”