DP sudden loss of sex drive / attraction. Hurting.

[labramundi]

Long term relationship with older DC. We have always had an active sex life (at least twice a week), even if it wasn't that adventurous after the first few years.

I have had some changes to appearance. I'm heavier than when we met and DC not been kind on my stomach to the point I probably should get surgery to fix it. However those things didn't seem to completely put him off before.

If I'm honest, the past 3 years he has been less interested or just wanting quickies piv or oral (he doesn't really caress my body, kiss etc). We've had arguments and strife about it as it makes me really insecure. It would be ok if he'd talk about it but he won't so I gave up trying to talk.

He refuses to discuss anything saying nothing has changed for him. He does make 'joking' comments about my weight or shape though .

So, fast forward to recently (like past month).

Things are really awkward. He is way, way more affectionate and huggy than usual, all hand holding and hugs but zero sexual advances at all other than jokey touching my breasts for seconds. It's all very strange. I've never pressurised him at all, I rarely ever ask for sex (it's just the way I am, I do have cues). He keeps asking me if I'm OK, telling me he loves me etc. Way more clingy than normal. Keeps telling me how important I am to him and how he loves my company. But we'll have a day off work together DC at school and he'll say something like "I haven't showered, don't expect sex" . He seems pensive and sad too.

He's 42 and he has one health issue but I don't think it impacts sex, I'm 34. DC are 15 and 12.

Is he just not attracted to me anymore??

You say he’s your best friend. But I wouldn’t make comments like that to my friend, best or otherwise. Would you? Have you called him on that? Why would you allow it?

You're a stone overweight.

He needs to get a grip. Seriously.

I think you're being too kind to him. Next time he says something negative about your appearance tell him how it makes you feel!

He is kind of the type to find fault with me (not difficult tbh) rather than admit to having any problems of his own.

To answer questions, I don't know if he uses porn. I don't think so. If we talk about it - it's acknowledged that I would not like him using it and he says not for years although infrequently when he was in 20s - but he also knows I wouldn't leave him over it unless it was extreme or affecting things - he says he doesn't use it and I don't have any way of checking.

I don't think he's lost interest in you, I don't think he's cheating either. He does need to talk though & to go back to the GP & research his condition to find what might help him. I know lots that find high dose Thiamine helpful for RA pains for example, if he joins forums & talks to other suffers he'll find some help.

RA can cause both erectile dysfunction & loss of libido. My guess is that he's more affectionate because he's scared that he can't please you. Not because you don't please him

It's not just a stone overweight though, it's that I have diastasis recti (separated muscles) from having DC and that my belly protrudes out anyway in the way that 'most' women's don't after kids. It's gotten worse with my job lifting etc and I've gained a stone when I turned 30. So I've gone from a 20 something normal weight with a slight baby belly, to a 34 year old 1 stone over weight looking 4 months pregnant all the time.

@RockinHorseShit I really would not judge him if he would just talk to me. If he isn't attracted to me (understandable, honestly, I'm no oil painting nowadays), if it is his arthritis (although he was like this a bit before but not as bad).

He just won't talk about the obvious elephant in the room. Although yes does make those comments about my weight!!

Since sex stopped (a month ago after twice weekly plus for years), he has been really affectionate and seeking reassurance but also seems sad.

All very well that he wants reassurance. Is his expectation that you'll reassure him but he doesn't need to do it for you?

Next time he makes one of those comments, I would say 'I find that quite hurtful' and see how he reacts. He shouldn't just get to casually say those things with no thought for your feelings, when you have to put up with his choice not to talk about other things.

He's probably avoiding sex because he's had trouble keeping an erection, poor sod.

Id have a frank chat with him, you're both adults. Its ok to talk about these things.

It's the sudden change that would worry me. All is the same for you, so what has changed for him? You really do need to get him to answer that.

I think I’d also say affair or porn, or both. First do not keep blaming your appearance, I would be willing to bet he’s no Daniel Craig and everyone changes a bit as they get older especially women who have had kids. Trying to turn yourself into the 20yr old you is not the answer- are you going to keep doing this until you’re 80? I think you have to stand up for yourself here, you can’t know what’s going on in his head but you can set some boundaries about how you’re prepared to be treated and what kind of relationship you want to be in. In reality I think this means no more “funny” comments and if he refuses to do something/ talk about his issues, maybe suggest couple’s therapy with a trial separation, so he knows you’re serious about this not being sustainable long term. You are still so young, if he really has just fallen out of love/ lust, better to find out sooner rather than later so you can both move on. Don’t suggest it unless you’re prepared to go through with it.

I'd love to have a frank chat, but he denies anything is wrong and brushes me off.

We couldn't afford couple's therapy but yes, if it goes on like this and he won't talk about it then I think suggesting a trial separation is an idea. We have family very very nearby who would accommodate. Although I fear that he might just put on a pretence to get the relationship back.

I'm conscious that I don't want him to have to make effort and force himself to want me, I want him to actually want me.

I hate that I've got no idea what is going on.

His recent clingy/ over affectionate behaviour screams of guilt to me. Obv I don’t know him/ your relationship but that’s just what stood out in your OP.

If not a physical affair could he be chatting to someone? Work colleague? And feels guilty about it??

Him looking pensive and sad, OP, my ex used to do that in the months leading up to discovery of infidelity. I could never work it out as he just used to look so sad and I thought he might be in love with someone else but whenever I asked he said he was fine.

There were also several occasions where he would feel me in the way you describe then quickly move away. He had contracted an STD and that's how I discovered the infidelity. I guess he would move away as he didn't want it to develop into sex because of the STD (this was during lockdown so I guess he felt there was nowhere to go to get treated).

I should have added to my previous post that when he admitted it he was devastated and didn't want me to leave, so I would agree with a PP that it was guilt. Your situation sounds very like mine.

My friend's husband thought of himself as a good guy. So once he started secretly having sex with sex workers he didn't think it was right to have sex with her anymore. He was very much overcompensating with affection whilst shutting down the possibility of sex with her.

My thoughts are if he doesn't seem depressed, and isn't suddenly on meds for something physical, he's cheating. Hence, there's nothing to discuss is there, he isn't going to open up about what the issue is...

My ex also went through a phase of losing his erection randomly. This was in what I assume was the early days of his infidelity. I didn't have a clue what was going on. He got some blue pills and it seemed to sort itself out. I now know it must have been guilt, perhaps an image of a previous sex worker or event popped into his head as we were together.

I hope you get to the bottom of this OP or it will play on your mind really badly

Completely off topic @labramundi... Please ask your doctors to prescribe you Metformin. It is a blood sugar drug that balances hormones too. I have PCOS and it has changed my life.... I am losing weight and feeling great, and havent had thrush in 6 months. Please get a full hormone blood work up from your doctors and ask to be referred to an Endocrinologist. Also, if you can, swap to a female doctor as they are slightly less "if you could just lose weight, your symptoms would improve".

PS- I hope he isnt having an affair, good luck.

PPS- one stone weight gain really isnt massive so dont beat yourself up.... If you can afford it, a tummy tuck costs around £5k, but often you can pay it over 2/3 years, so it becomes more affordable. I had one and they sewed my abs back together and cut out huge amounts of scar tissue from 2 C Sections.

My guess would be
A. He fancied someone else and got a knock back and no he is realising he should make more effort with you, although that doesn't seem to extend to sex.

B. One of his mates has confided in him that his wife has kicked him out and your dh has had a wake up call that maybe he should be less of a dick towards you.

Does he work? Do you know his colleagues? What about friends/ hobbies/ somewhere he would meet people?
Is he on his phone a lot, or secretive about his phone?

I don’t like the random comments about your appearance and doing more exercise. What does he want you to look like? Who is he comparing you to? It’s also a bit egotistical, it sounds like he’s not slim himself and has perhaps had an ego boost to be saying these things.

Sorry to say I think something is going on whether it’s porn or an affair.He is communicating to you with his clingy affection that you are perhaps now more of a friend than a sexual partner.

Does he go out a lot or stay up much later than you?

Tell him in mo uncertain terms to shut up with these comments, there’s no reason to accept these criticisms from an overweight man who neglects his own health.

Could it be an emotional affair?

There is also a big difference between finding your partner less attractive and finding your partner less attractive and making stupid jokes about it to them. We have a responsibility to ensure we communicate openly and in such a way that the other person receives it effectively, shutting the conversation down and making sideways jokes doesn't sound like effective communication to me. It's not fair on you to be so confused and hurt when he could just say whatever he wanted to say so you could work together not separately.

He may not be cheating , but probably has Erectile Dysfunction. Rather than facing up to this ,he makes ‘jokes’ about your appearance in order to make you the ‘problem’ rather than him
He then feels guilt and so overcompensates by being clingy
Erectile Dysfunction is more common than one would think and can cause men to lose confidence in themselves

It’s unlikely there’s going to be a big sit down conversation. There is a belief that unless there’s a big chat a person isn’t communicating.

That’s not true.All behaviour is a type of communication.At the moment he’s communicating that although your appearance hasn’t been a problem for years it is now. He is communicating he is negatively comparing your appearance to someone else’s and that he doesn’t want to be intimate. He’s also telling you he doesn’t want to resolve things and won’t discuss it. And finally he’s telling you he’s been worrying about losing you.

Put it together. You’ve been together a long time, what has changed so that he’s now worried about losing you?

John gottoman who’s an expert on infidelity talks about what ultimately causes a person to give themselves permission to cheat and it’s not because they are bowled over by an attractive person or they’re bored or neglected. It’s because they engage in what’s known as negative comparisons.

Negative comparisons are happening here and it’s a red flag.

drrobertnavarra.com/gottman-research-on-infidelity/