DP sudden loss of sex drive / attraction. Hurting.

[labramundi]

Long term relationship with older DC. We have always had an active sex life (at least twice a week), even if it wasn't that adventurous after the first few years.

I have had some changes to appearance. I'm heavier than when we met and DC not been kind on my stomach to the point I probably should get surgery to fix it. However those things didn't seem to completely put him off before.

If I'm honest, the past 3 years he has been less interested or just wanting quickies piv or oral (he doesn't really caress my body, kiss etc). We've had arguments and strife about it as it makes me really insecure. It would be ok if he'd talk about it but he won't so I gave up trying to talk.

He refuses to discuss anything saying nothing has changed for him. He does make 'joking' comments about my weight or shape though .

So, fast forward to recently (like past month).

Things are really awkward. He is way, way more affectionate and huggy than usual, all hand holding and hugs but zero sexual advances at all other than jokey touching my breasts for seconds. It's all very strange. I've never pressurised him at all, I rarely ever ask for sex (it's just the way I am, I do have cues). He keeps asking me if I'm OK, telling me he loves me etc. Way more clingy than normal. Keeps telling me how important I am to him and how he loves my company. But we'll have a day off work together DC at school and he'll say something like "I haven't showered, don't expect sex" . He seems pensive and sad too.

He's 42 and he has one health issue but I don't think it impacts sex, I'm 34. DC are 15 and 12.

Is he just not attracted to me anymore??

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

He's probably avoiding sex because he's had trouble keeping an erection, poor sod.

Id have a frank chat with him, you're both adults. Its ok to talk about these things.

I would tend to agree with this, or the arthritis is causing more of an issue than he is letting on ( mine is only mild thank goodness). If he has ED symptoms he might be trying to mask those, so doesn’t feel like less of a man in front of you. Could be why he is actually avoiding sex or avoiding sexual contact.

[quote MarbleQueen]drrobertnavarra.com/gottman-research-on-infidelity/[/quote]
Not heard of that before but that must be what is going on in OP's case. Thanks for that @MarbleQueen as it resonates with me and probably a lot of others.

nanopdf.com/download/april-20-2013-creating-connections_pdf

The cascade towards betrayal is interesting. It’s something I think most people will recognise in hindsight after infidelity. In both relationships where I was cheated on I could see looking back that even in the early days both men had a tendency to focus on what they were not getting as opposed to appreciating what they did get. Things like whinging I wasn’t available for the odd date instead of being glad of the dates they did have.

I think it is a personality trait and I would run a mile from someone who made it clear they had this glass half empty mindset.

If he has always been fine and no etectile issues before the sudden stop would have my alarm bells ringing .

The over affectionate behaviour sounds like guilt . He is feeling guilty and sad because he probably does really love you but it sounds like he has gone elsewhere for the physical side of things . He's treating you more like a best friend now than a lover .

I would ask him outright. Are you seeing someone else . If you know him , you'd know from his reaction.

I'm sorry op , but I think he's checked out physically because he's got an alternative.

Around 40 my exh was like that, could be affectionate and outwardly we looked perfect (treating me to nice trips etc once kids could be left) but he constantly complained about my weight, joked we should split once kids were grown - but in a way that sounded in jest ... then 2 weeks after youngest turned 18 he left me. There was no other woman but he was clinically depressed. He seems happier alone and I've now met someone who doesn't care I'm carrying extra pounds

I ended up crying this afternoon when we were watching tv whilst the DC at school. It's not a huge thing or even just about him at all - just a combination of how weird he has been being towards me, and then I got some really sad and emotional news about a family member on whatsapp and the floodgates just opened.

I didn't say much but I did say to him that he has been weird around me for weeks, and I asked if there was anyone else. Even anyone else he's been talking to and likes.

He works from home and no physical contact with females required ever, he does walk the dog, shop, etc and is part of youtube groups about sport, doesn't have female friends, only male as long as I've known him. Not me being controlling or anything, I've never mentioned it really, it's just how he's been. If he had a female friend after nearly 20 years at this point I'd be alarmed tbh - I know that's not pc of me.

He denied anything like that vehemently, and I think I believe him, knowing him. I do know that he very well could cheat, but my instinct says he isn't right now anyway.

Still denying anything is wrong or that he's been acting weird at all.

I am thinking now it's a combination of factors -

Been together for a long time - complacent

He isn't really attracted to me anymore - yes I have changed in the past couple years even, my body shape is very different and that's the honest truth - bad stretchmarks, loose skin, and protruding belly. I do actually look pregnant although I'm not. Never looked as bad, even when the DC were small. no idea what's causing it. I turned 30 and seemed to lose my shape. It's not just the usual mummy tummy it's like a surgery before picture and has got worse since I turned 30 somehow.

He has recently stopped drinking (2 months) after being quite a heavy drinker. He stopped to help his arthritis.

His arthritis started in April and has been on and off since with extreme pain at times. Although this cannot be the whole reason as he was acting strange and less sex, comments etc way before that even started.

Fuck knows how to fix this. I don't even think it can be fixed. I have no money for tummy tucks etc, things have become so awkward in that way - gradually - that I doubt it can be fixed. .

I often think maybe we could be companions or friends. I have an aunt who got divorced and is still friends with her ex husband even 16++ years later. But that feels hurtful to me now.

Oh dear. No wonder you're upset.

"Still denying anything is wrong or that he's been acting weird at all."

^ I'm confused OP.

How can you say you believe him (as you know him) when he denies there is someone else? He is lying about there being nothing wrong. Right to your face. So you know he can lie. Even to himself it seems....as it may not be infidelity of course, but something is amiss here.

You have no hope of the situation improving as he's clearly given up on you being a team by unilaterally deciding to no longer share problems with you and find solutions together.

Developing arthritis really killed my DH sex drive he is literally so tired sleep is more appealing!

My DH gaslit me for a couple of years saying there was nothing wrong when he had emotionally withdrawn for me and I'll be honest it made me very mentally unwell and I ended the marriage over it at which point he decided he did want to make it work etc. Took me many years to forgive and love him again. It has changed things between us permanently though.

@WTF475878237NC I see what you mean. He is clearly lying that nothing is wrong. He's literally been holding my hand romantically and hugging me like an elderly relative for a month, speaking wistfully, repeating that we'll always be together etc (not like him to be soppy) whereas we used to hug less (but still hug) and also have sex. Complete change in nearly 20 years. No sex but massive affection.

@RandomMess I'm interested to know how you worked things out, if you are comfortable sharing of course, if not no worries. Because my DP is sleeping more since the arthritis, so I'm wondering. It's something to do with acid levels he has, he's in agony for days on his toe, feet, and knees, then it goes away for months at a time.

Op I have diastasis recti and I’ve had several open abdominal surgeries for other issues which have made it worse. I have got terrible scarring that comes right up to my breastbone and round my ribs.I don’t want to be crude but when you are doing the deed I’m imagining it’s not on display. It’s a rare woman who has a perfectly flat tum after children. I don’t think it’s this and I don’t think it’s doing your self esteem much good to focus on it.

A pp is right that he’s just blatantly lied to you. Something is going on but really it’s not your job to figure that out. Your job is to focus on you and your well-being because your husband is no longer doing that.

What is your situation op, could you manage without him?

For my DH his health anxiety got out of hand and he thought he was going to die (had undiagnosed pneumonia got seriously ill which actually triggered the arthritis). So cos he thought he was going to die he withdrew completely but the denial of that is what did the damage.

On the arthritis front it comes and goes in severity but generally sex is infrequent doesn't help that we have a small house full of teenagers. He can easily sleep 9 hours per night.

Your DH is acting very strangely and I would actually be angry at the denial of it. I end up detaching and getting my ducks in a row to end the marriage which I guess gave me some power and control back.

I look back and feel sad and angry and the damage his behaviour caused and I lost 5 years of having a better relationship with my DC as he was primary carer and I worked away sometimes to cope and slowly got him to take over running the house, mental load etc because he was going to end up as a single parent when I moved out.

@MarbleQueen I understand what you mean. I am focussing on my flaws as these are what he's commented on and they are things about my appearance which have changed quite significantly since we met. I'm petite in height (5ft) so that 2 stone does show and the diastasis I do look pregnant.

He is lying that nothing is wrong. I think it's a mixture that he's not really attracted to me anymore for a while now and his getting older and arthritis. I don't think it's another woman. However where does that leave me?? If he doesn't fancy me but loves me as a person (I can tell he does, he really loves me as a person, it's obvious), he'll eventually find someone he does fancy and like as a person. .

@RandomMess Thanks for replying. I'm sorry your DH suffered from health anxiety. Mine refuses to go to a doctor beyond the initial diagnosis, which was a huge fear and massive thing for him. He is in denial too somewhat.

We have a house full of a preteen and a teenager and his mother is around a lot. But tbh we have a lot of time alone and he avoids sex at those times so it's not that.

How do you get on with your DH now??

I'm just so sad. I love him and I can tell he loves me, but out sex life has just gone.

The way to fix this is NOT by having a tummy tuck. That is not the problem. It seems communication is at the heart of your issues. You must be able to talk to him, tell him how you feel when he passes comments about your body and ask him why you are no longer having sex.

We get well now I suppose there are lines drawn such as him never shutting me out emotionally again, I depend on him less emotionally.

Honestly I'd give him an ultimatum to have counselling and tell me what was going on - save you the agony I went through for 2/3 years.

@Nedclarity I can't have a tummy tuck anyway. We are low income and already in debts (always been this way so no change there). I would probably have one if I could afford it, because it is unsightly and I do look about 4 month pregnant at all times and have to dress to cover it.

I do tell him how I feel. We've fallen out for weeks before over the comments. I think his comments are honest reflexions on how he really feels. He is trying to (infrequently and indirectly) tell me he isn't really attracted to me anymore, he loves me as a person so doesn't want to say it re the lack of attraction - but it comes out.

We did have sex (albeit changed to very basic quickies since my appearance changes), up until about a month ago, he's been avoiding it since.

You could have the diastasis recti rectified with surgery and it might make you feel more confident but my bet is it would not affect your DP because it is not the problem.

Diastasis recti surgery would probably be an NHS surgery not private.

@LuluBlakey1 The NHS won't pay for it. I've asked. It's 'cosmetic' unless your guts are literally spilling out.

I think that and a few other issues have affected the way he sees me.

I'd be thinking he's discovered something sexual- porn, live cams, prostitutes, and feels as if he needs to compensate/reassure himself that everything is ok by being affectionate with you.

I can't bear that every post you make describes the changes in your body. Every post. As if you're not allowed to exist in the world without listing all your physical 'sins', as if you can never allow anyone to think you think you look all right.

About 2 years after my son was born, my dh told me he could no longer feel much during sex and he thought I was too loose. That comment crushed my sexual confidence for the best part of ten years. Dh is dead now and he did apologise for saying that (though never said he didn't mean it) but it took about 7 lovers after he died before I began to believe i was normal. Another ten or so men later I know I am. And so are you. Whatever changes happen after bearing children, we are not damaged and sexually degraded, we are women who have changed.

The change is in him. Whatever has happened or whatever he feels, the change is in him and he is projecting it onto you in an incredibly damaging way and it needs to stop. When he says everything is fine - well, there are only two of you in the marriage and if you're not fine then everything is not fine.

Tell him to describe what he loves about your body. Describe what you love about his. If you feel like crying at even the thought of doing this, your confidence is crushed. Get referred for NHS counselling, you might as well be on a waiting list, you never know.

@RandomMess Thanks. I think I'm at the ultimatum stage. It is like agony at times. I hope you are ok.

@Joystir59 What do you mean reassure himself that everything is OK??

@PermanentTemporary I know. I know I need to work on my own self esteem. My body has changed a lot, as has my mind. We get on as friends now, we are close, but also we are far apart and cannot bridge the gap. We were late teens and late 20s when we met and now we are mid 30s and mid 40s. I do have physical issues, but I think it's a combination with that and sexual boredom and relationship resentments.

@dane8 67 years your husband / significant other is?? Yes you are right, it is rejection, and whether he still wants a companionship style relationship because he still loves me or not, it's still rejection.

I am only just turned 34, even though I'm not the most attractive at all, I don't want to feel like this anymore.