I'm ruining my life

[upsidedown22]

I have name changed for this but also put this in relationships because I know I will hopefully get some help quickly . I literally can't believe my life has come to this . Not only am I hurting myself , which I have and can deal with but now I'm hurting other people along the way . People who I have grown so fond of . I know I need to talk to somone in rl but I'm so scared .

I know non of this is excuses for what I'm doing but I think it's triggered things that I am doing to help me cope . I had a traumatic childhood . Violence and I was sexually abused . I suffered with severe anxiety from when I was a child and used to drink from a young age because I always felt numb . I went through a bad patch drinking but don't anymore because it makes my anxiety worse . I am now abusing prescription medication and taking way over what I'm supposed too just to feel something .

I have recently been shopping constantly. When I shop it made me feel happy . Not for long so I would want to keep buying . Now this is the worst part of all and please I don't want abuse because I know how disgusting I am for doing this . I don't know why I am . I don't need too and the stuff I take I could buy myself . My job allows me to work in peoples houses . Same people who I have for the last ten years . I would never in a million years thought I would ever do this but I have been stealing ! From every single house . When I steal it makes me feel better . Like a release . And even happy ! How is this possible . Then I feel severe guilt and worry . But then when I get home I'm all happy again looking what I stole . I have been thinking of phoning the doctor today because I am so ashamed of myself . And I'm just not coping at all . To anyone who knows me they are even probably envious of my life because everything seems perfect . I work hard and long hours and I am on more than 3 times what the average monthly pay is so go on lovely holidays ect so why am I feeling so depressed ? I have cried all the way to my job . I feel so dead inside . I have even brought alcohol to work with me ! Am I having a breakdown ? Am I just a really nasty person ? Please help me

Speak to your doctor today
Also call the Samaritans
Get yourself the help you need

@Shoxfordian

Speak to your doctor today Also call the Samaritans Get yourself the help you need

Thankyou so much for replying and Thankyou so much for not thinking I'm a horrible person

Please get help, you deserve it and are worthy of it.

Please do it today.

I think you’re a struggling person who needs some help so take some steps to find some support x

@ElleGettingBetter

Please get help, you deserve it and are worthy of it.

Please do it today.

Thankyou so much . I'm so worried what my daughter and husband will say when they find out .

You've made the first step in writing down your problem for others to see, you need help in the nicest of ways and whilst you may get some nice answers on here you need proper help. Please speak to a doctor today to start getting proper help

The fact you know its wrong to steal and that you're seeking help shows clearly you are not a nasty, mean person! Just very troubled.

I'm guessing you feel numb inside... and these thefts are giving you a little "high'.

Obviously stop it. Your clients will realise, if they havent already. My cleaner stole from me, I wasn't sure as I trusted her so much so allowed her to continue in my home but i set a trap and sadly she fell for it. If this happens to you, deep humiliation will follow not to mention loss of your job and reputation.

You know this though. Who are you going to contact for the help you so clearly need? are your doctors good?

I phoned the doctors a few months ago and said about my shopping getting out of hand but they didn't really help just referred me to yet another therapist

Ok so the stealing isnt good. You are probably doing it subconsciously as well to get caught. If your found out something has to change. But you can change it yourself. Advice above is good samaritans and GP. If you regularly go to the houses could you put the stuff back. Main thing is to sort you out the rest will come.

@Sonaftersonafterson

The fact you know its wrong to steal and that you're seeking help shows clearly you are not a nasty, mean person! Just very troubled.

I'm guessing you feel numb inside... and these thefts are giving you a little "high'.

Obviously stop it. Your clients will realise, if they havent already. My cleaner stole from me, I wasn't sure as I trusted her so much so allowed her to continue in my home but i set a trap and sadly she fell for it. If this happens to you, deep humiliation will follow not to mention loss of your job and reputation.

You know this though. Who are you going to contact for the help you so clearly need? are your doctors good?

I'm so sorry you went through that with your cleaner . Was it money they took or items ? I'm thinking about telling them what I have been doing and why and just giving all the stuff back . Iv always been brought up with thieving is one of the worst things you can do and I believe that but here I am with a bag full of stuff I took from my last job in my van .

You probably need some counselling. Speak to your gp and for heaven's sake stop the stealing! You know it's wrong.

If it's any help you're not alone and you're not a horrible person. I knew someone who suffered sexual abuse at a young age and she loved shop lifting to feel better. I never once judged her or read her the riot act.

You said you were taking alcohol to work . Are you working or driving under the influence of alcohol? If so then you must stop now, today.

If you can’t then you need to phone in sick now and get urgent help. Drunk driving can destroy your life, your family’s life and someone else’s life.

I don’t think you are a bad person and I understand you are very distressed. But you can’t take this type of risk.

www.wikihow.com/Stop-Your-Addiction-to-Stealing

Could you quietly put back the stuff you took?

www.betterhelp.com/advice/impulse-control-disorder/what-is-kleptomania-and-what-can-you-do-to-treat-it/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=_b&utm_content=115390580065&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=b&utm_campaign=12002485161&ad_type=text&adposition=&gclid=CjwKCAiA4veMBhAMEiwAU4XRry16-zx_uN6ccuXl-ftFsryVOQMe_mIWpA2fMM4SfIWsAT6ajjavrhoCu6QQAvD_BwE

You need to find help- counselling perhaps available through your GP. You are NOT a bad person OP. The stealing is your coping mechanism to deal with the pain of past trauma

You need to give back what you've stolen. Bad childhood does not excuse your behaviour.

Definitely this isn't about being a horrible person, you've done a good thing in realising things need to change. Echoing advice to speak to your GP.

Is there any way to return the items taken, either quietly or saying 'I must've picked this up by accident'?

If sounds like your coping strategies are not healthy. I feel like you need to speak openly with a counsellor, take time off, return this items. If you don't want to tell your partner you might need to say that you feel you're not coping and need to look after your mental health and might need some support.

*return the items

What kind of items have you stolen, would it be something that the homeowner would notice?

What items have you stolen? If they are expensive, precious or sentimental you absolutely must return these, no ifs, no buts.

Do you really think people haven't noticed those items are missing? It's only a matter of time before they connect them to your presence in their home. It's vital you get this sorted otherwise the consequences could be really terrible.

I agree to see your doctor.
As for thd stealing, is it possible to return the things you took from homes without being detected? If so, do that rather than confess. Yes its the right thing to own up, but practically it won't make your life any easier, and it would be helpful if when you get well you will have retained trust and can still work.