I'm ruining my life

[upsidedown22]

I have name changed for this but also put this in relationships because I know I will hopefully get some help quickly . I literally can't believe my life has come to this . Not only am I hurting myself , which I have and can deal with but now I'm hurting other people along the way . People who I have grown so fond of . I know I need to talk to somone in rl but I'm so scared .

I know non of this is excuses for what I'm doing but I think it's triggered things that I am doing to help me cope . I had a traumatic childhood . Violence and I was sexually abused . I suffered with severe anxiety from when I was a child and used to drink from a young age because I always felt numb . I went through a bad patch drinking but don't anymore because it makes my anxiety worse . I am now abusing prescription medication and taking way over what I'm supposed too just to feel something .

I have recently been shopping constantly. When I shop it made me feel happy . Not for long so I would want to keep buying . Now this is the worst part of all and please I don't want abuse because I know how disgusting I am for doing this . I don't know why I am . I don't need too and the stuff I take I could buy myself . My job allows me to work in peoples houses . Same people who I have for the last ten years . I would never in a million years thought I would ever do this but I have been stealing ! From every single house . When I steal it makes me feel better . Like a release . And even happy ! How is this possible . Then I feel severe guilt and worry . But then when I get home I'm all happy again looking what I stole . I have been thinking of phoning the doctor today because I am so ashamed of myself . And I'm just not coping at all . To anyone who knows me they are even probably envious of my life because everything seems perfect . I work hard and long hours and I am on more than 3 times what the average monthly pay is so go on lovely holidays ect so why am I feeling so depressed ? I have cried all the way to my job . I feel so dead inside . I have even brought alcohol to work with me ! Am I having a breakdown ? Am I just a really nasty person ? Please help me

[upsidedown22]

On my own I was supposed to say , sorry . I could cope financially with out my husband but guess what ! I'm scared of being on my own . Here we go again c

[OnceuponaRainbow18]

You’re not a bad person, childhood trauma can have such a huge impact on people even into adulthood.

I wouldn’t tell work/clients as you’ll loose your job but can you try and get their things back into their houses?

I would call your GP and ask for help.

[me4real]

I get the feeling your mental health would improve and compulsions would happen less if you separated from your husband @upsidedown22 . He makes you (more) unhappy, or at least doesn't help.

There are probably some anonymous online support groups that might be helpful too, so you can chat to others going through the same thing and not feel so alone.

[DeadoftheMoon]

You are not a bad person. Your behaviour is not so much a cry for help as an earth-shattering scream.

Forgive yourself. Not just once but as an ongoing thing, whenever you need it, many times a day.

Definitely go back to therapy. This will take years to unpick so don't expect miracles. Have a few sessions, then a few months off for the effect to sink in.

You might need to change big things in your life but you'll know when you're ready.

[Fairylights25]

Op you have been very brave posting on here. Very brave.

Speak to your doctor asap about the stealing, the abuse from your dp and you are struggling to cope. Therapy can be too painful for some people and you may need more intervention than counselling. A mental health referral as a minimum.

I would leave the job if you are finding it impossible to stop taking things, and take up another job that does not give you an opportunity to steal. McDonalds, a restaurant, a job outside tidying up anything but working in people's homes. I would do this immediately so that you can avoid a future criminal conviction that will absolutely ruin your life.

You need to find a new home, and finish your abusive relationship, but need the strength and support I suspect. I am so sorry your life is so hard at the moment, but you can be happy in time with the right help in place

[GoodnightGrandma]

Yes, I do believe that addiction can be genetic.
Well done for coming on here and telling us, that’s the start. Every time you think about taking something, push it away, don’t do it, and do something else.
You are also going to need help, you can’t do it alone. I assure you that a GP wouldn’t judge, they would want to help.

[Rissole]

Not at all Mumsnetty but I just want to give you a hug OP.

See the realisation and this thread as the start of you getting well.

Forgive yourself. You clearly see it as a symptom and not part of your basic personality and that is 100% right. You have had a terrible start in life and people around you have behaved despicably. It would be a miracle of you were totally well tbh.

[PuggyMum]

How are you doing op?

[Lostmyheart101]

Have you put the stuff back? You should try it, I bet that would make you feel better and give you the same type of high.