I'm ruining my life

[upsidedown22]

I have name changed for this but also put this in relationships because I know I will hopefully get some help quickly . I literally can't believe my life has come to this . Not only am I hurting myself , which I have and can deal with but now I'm hurting other people along the way . People who I have grown so fond of . I know I need to talk to somone in rl but I'm so scared .

I know non of this is excuses for what I'm doing but I think it's triggered things that I am doing to help me cope . I had a traumatic childhood . Violence and I was sexually abused . I suffered with severe anxiety from when I was a child and used to drink from a young age because I always felt numb . I went through a bad patch drinking but don't anymore because it makes my anxiety worse . I am now abusing prescription medication and taking way over what I'm supposed too just to feel something .

I have recently been shopping constantly. When I shop it made me feel happy . Not for long so I would want to keep buying . Now this is the worst part of all and please I don't want abuse because I know how disgusting I am for doing this . I don't know why I am . I don't need too and the stuff I take I could buy myself . My job allows me to work in peoples houses . Same people who I have for the last ten years . I would never in a million years thought I would ever do this but I have been stealing ! From every single house . When I steal it makes me feel better . Like a release . And even happy ! How is this possible . Then I feel severe guilt and worry . But then when I get home I'm all happy again looking what I stole . I have been thinking of phoning the doctor today because I am so ashamed of myself . And I'm just not coping at all . To anyone who knows me they are even probably envious of my life because everything seems perfect . I work hard and long hours and I am on more than 3 times what the average monthly pay is so go on lovely holidays ect so why am I feeling so depressed ? I have cried all the way to my job . I feel so dead inside . I have even brought alcohol to work with me ! Am I having a breakdown ? Am I just a really nasty person ? Please help me

Please return the items you have stolen. Especially if you are the person who stole my grandmother's ring.

It's an awful thing to do, despicable behaviour. You have to return them and accept the consequences, and hopefully the advice here will be helpful for you going forward. I do hope you get the help you are seeking. You absolutely must return them though, these are peoples's possessions, they are trusting you into their home and you are stealing items from them.

Thankyou so much for everyone who had replied . I honestly do appreciate all of this . I know my childhood doesn't excuse my stupid behaviour lately . And I'm so sorry . Also the items are not of any value . They are stupid stuff like socks , hand wash , nail vanish remover , all stuff I have at home and once

Sorry I pressed post too soon . Wet wipes ect . I would. Never take anything expensive or jewlerly. I know that doesn't make things any better . I don't know how I have become this person . I would help and do anything for anyone and I get praised a lot for how much I help people , animals the lot .... if they only knew the real me 😥.

Are you willing to get some private counselling ASAP to get this under control? You need to take control and do that instead of continuing to spiral or you're going to lose income as well as reputation. Please consider having some private counselling as an urgent priority so you have a safe space to discuss this and work through it.

How do you feel when you have stolen the items, does it give you a feeling of being in control or power? if so that's something you have to work on within yourself, you need to work on your own self control and feel better about yourself and only you can do that. It's like you're trying to take a piece of someone elses life that you don't have. You can't and must not do that with other people's stuff as you know already. It's not healthy at all and damaging and distressing to the people whose homes you are going into. Even stealing small items like this can cause chaos to another person's life and impact on their sanity, mental health and ultimately their financial situation. You know this is awful, i'm curious what lead you to steal the first item and what was your motive for it? Do you have these items yourself? did you just enjoy the fact you could steal it and they wouldn't notice? or whatever reason it was? Try and share with us what it was

OP You know you steal and that is one load you bear as it clearly preys on your mind.
Eventually you will get caught and then you will enter a world of misery because it wont be your secret anymore and people will judge you.
Not only that, the police may be involved.
Go and see your doctor. There will be a reason why you do this and coming on here and saying so is a brave thing to do.

Even if the items are cheap I think you need to return them. If you don't then that makes you a bad person and I don't think that will help you.
Shopping gives lots of people a buzz. I don't like shopping much but I still get a buzz sometimes.
Do you do anything else that you could
Get a buzz from. I love it when I do decorating and finish a project ? Is there anything like that you could do

You said your doctor referred you to "yet another therapist". Have you been to therapy before, without long-term success? Or have you been referred to therapists numerous before? This is significant.

If you have been to therapy before but not found it helpful in changing your behaviour, based on what you have said here about what appear to be quite severe issues, you may have a mental or personality disorder that you cannot yet recognise, which has been caused by your childhood trauma. It's treatable, but you need professional, long-term help, and to be very very honest with your therapist.

I mean this gently but please do not underestimate the scale of your issues. Compulsive behaviours and addictions, particularly illegal ones, are not something you are going to be able to overcome by yourself. You need and deserve help in order to have a much happier life. It's concerning that you say that hurting yourself is something you can deal with. It is not okay for you to suffer, and in fact, being willing to continue suffering as a way of 'punishing yourself' will only lead you to more destructive behaviours. Please seek help now.

I’ve just finished reading a book written by Sally Hepworth, about one of the main characters, who was doing what you are doing. She neither wanted or needed the items pilfered, was in actual fact very well able to pay for the shoplifted items. It was,… first the compulsion to steal, then the high she got once it was up her jumper in a pocket etc. and then on the drive home she’d be in bits, the guilt, the self loathing, and then what to do with the ‘loot’ she no longer had any interest in. This story details the immense highs and tragic lows this behaviour causes. Her first attempt at counselling didn’t help, although she stopped for awhile. Impulse (whatever) struck again and her family became aware, kleptomania was the term used to describe her behaviour. Yours might be very different, but this fictional woman underwent intense counselling which gave her new insights and controls, and appeared, at the conclusion of the book to work. That was fictional, your story is very real, please undergo counselling as soon as possible.Good luck.

Thankyou so much . I'm so worried what my daughter and husband will say when they find out .

If it's any consolation I know a kleptomaniac and actually stayed at their house at one point and their family just said to keep an eye on my stuff etc. because they might take it, that they took other peoples stuff too but then tended to give them money etc as a 'gift' to make up for it.

It was all said very matter of fact. There was certainly no judgement. It's not a particularly shameful thing, I know you'll feel embarrassed but there are far worse things you could be doing lol

I know it's a mental health disorder but the family just kind of treated it like a quirk, not a big huge deal! It didn't define their family member!

So I bet reality just won't be nearly as bad as you think it will be and your family will understand.
Get yourself some help and you will start to feel better!

You say you are worried about what your husband and daughter will say. They will say 'we love you, we are so sorry you have been in so much pain, what can we do to help?'

Your job is to let them help, and others too. The Samaritans and your doctor are great places to start. Doctors can refer to talking therapies which work. If you don't come away from a first doctors appointment having been able to say how distressed you are, don't give up but try again.

On behalf of your family, you've got this. How you feel right now is horrible and so exhausting, but it is fixable, I promise x

It sounds like you're doing things you'd never dream of to get a bit of a buzz to offset your feelings. You're really not well. Please go to your doctor before you get yourself into serious trouble and hurt so many people you care about

You are not a horrible person! You need some help though as this is too big to tackle by yourself and if it were me, I would take myself out of the environment (ie. your work when you are in others homes). I would get in touch with your GP today to arrange some counselling and take leave from work for the time being. Be kind to yourself, you are a hurting person and take baby steps towards change.

See your doctor or consultant, hun. If you've been before, go back. I have a severe mental health disability so I know what works:- evidence-based treatment.

You have self-awareness, and that is a good quality. That's the first thing you need to start resolving these problems.

Next thing: Put those stolen items back. Make a list of the addresses you clean at, then do your best to remember what you took from them. Even if they are cheap items such as wet wipes, put them back. You will be a better person for doing so, and you WILL feel better. You'll be taking charge of this huge weight on your mind. Do the right thing by these people who trust you.

You don't have to discuss this step with your DH and DD. Just do it. The more complex therapeutic steps will come later.

Please, do not risk a criminal conviction -- this really will ruin your life. You'll be very limited in your work and travel if you have a conviction on your record. You have the opportunity now to avoid that, so show the best side of yourself to the world. And while doing so, imagine head-kicking those abusive fuckers in your past and saying 'This is for you, deadshit'.

@groovergirl

You have self-awareness, and that is a good quality. That's the first thing you need to start resolving these problems.

Next thing: Put those stolen items back. Make a list of the addresses you clean at, then do your best to remember what you took from them. Even if they are cheap items such as wet wipes, put them back. You will be a better person for doing so, and you WILL feel better. You'll be taking charge of this huge weight on your mind. Do the right thing by these people who trust you.

You don't have to discuss this step with your DH and DD. Just do it. The more complex therapeutic steps will come later.

Please, do not risk a criminal conviction -- this really will ruin your life. You'll be very limited in your work and travel if you have a conviction on your record. You have the opportunity now to avoid that, so show the best side of yourself to the world. And while doing so, imagine head-kicking those abusive fuckers in your past and saying 'This is for you, deadshit'.

I love this Thankyou so much ❤️ I had a really bad night . Just cried and cried when I got home .husband didn't even ask what was wrong but I said sorry I'm like this I am just feeling emotional today . I have a 6 year old St. Bernard and I think he could tell I was sad he slept on the sofa with me from when I got home until I went to bed . I'm not a cleaner but my job is to go to peoples houses . I don't want to say because it's very rare and could be outing . I know I could talk to my mother about this and she wouldn't judge me but I don't want her to know how bad things are for me . She has noticed for a while now and have told me I'm close to having a breakdown if I don't give my hours up with work and other things going on . Again I know that's no excuse for what I have done to the people I work for . My friends . I'm in work now and today I will 100 percent not be taking anything . I think it might be a control thing . When I was a teen up into early twenties I used to make my self sick if I got upset . And it made me feel in control of one thing

You need to engage with therapy - all these self-destructive behaviours seem like your trauma screaming through.

If you're comfortably off, go private. Invest in yourself.

@user1481840227

Thankyou so much . I'm so worried what my daughter and husband will say when they find out .

If it's any consolation I know a kleptomaniac and actually stayed at their house at one point and their family just said to keep an eye on my stuff etc. because they might take it, that they took other peoples stuff too but then tended to give them money etc as a 'gift' to make up for it.

It was all said very matter of fact. There was certainly no judgement. It's not a particularly shameful thing, I know you'll feel embarrassed but there are far worse things you could be doing lol

I know it's a mental health disorder but the family just kind of treated it like a quirk, not a big huge deal! It didn't define their family member!

So I bet reality just won't be nearly as bad as you think it will be and your family will understand.
Get yourself some help and you will start to feel better!

That's crazy you said about the gift . I have been thinking of buying them expensive presents for Xmas to say sorry . It's crazy because I would never steal from a shop I don't get the erge at all nor with family or my friends that i have had for life . It's not money either . In these houses there's always cash laying around . I found 7 thousand in a ugg boot 2 months ago and told the man . He had forgotten about it 😳 x

Have you tried a lot of counselling or therapy before?

OP, you have more control than you realise. You've decided to stop pilfering. That first step of going to work and not stealing anything will start to restore your sense of control. The next will be to put stuff back. And the next will be to find a therapist who specialises in childhood trauma.

If you can spiral down, you can spiral up. Step by step, up the curly staircase.

Please put things back that you have taken, in the same furtive manner as you would have taken them. Try and feel what it's like to remedy what you did in the past and feel a sense of achievement from that you are no longer going to let your tormentors in your past 'win' or exert any more control or power over you.

You are now taking control back. Relish every item you put back.

If you don't go back to the same places, practice paying forward. Leaving envelopes with £10 or £5 in them on a park bench or in a playground, charity shop etc with a note to say that you hope that this small token will brighten their day in the same way it will brighten your day knowing how it might help some one.

As you are comparatively well off compared to others, try and make your experiences into positive ones as this will give you long term positive benefits without guilt or anxiety.

Good luck

I'm not keen on the notion op should give these things back. If they're of little value, then she runs the risk of getting caught returning them (unless she's going to be open with everyone and say "sorry I must have picked this up last time I was here").

I mean, this is op's job, reputation and potential criminal record. Be daft to risk it to return a pack of wipes or whatever secretly.

How do you feel today after opening up on here. This resonates with me a little although I can't say too much without a nc in case people know me.

Unfortunately for me I did get caught and it could have cost me everything. Fortunately it went through civil court very quietly and stayed under the radar from a work point of view and is now 'spent'.

But the lesson was harsh and swift.

I would definitely recommend speaking to your doctor and if things don't happen fast enough please invest in therapy for yourself.

You've already made the first step posting on her so i hope it's unburdened you a little.

Speak to a therapist, it’s the best thing you can spend your money on. Everything is going to be ok, you can do this x