I'm ruining my life

[upsidedown22]

I have name changed for this but also put this in relationships because I know I will hopefully get some help quickly . I literally can't believe my life has come to this . Not only am I hurting myself , which I have and can deal with but now I'm hurting other people along the way . People who I have grown so fond of . I know I need to talk to somone in rl but I'm so scared .

I know non of this is excuses for what I'm doing but I think it's triggered things that I am doing to help me cope . I had a traumatic childhood . Violence and I was sexually abused . I suffered with severe anxiety from when I was a child and used to drink from a young age because I always felt numb . I went through a bad patch drinking but don't anymore because it makes my anxiety worse . I am now abusing prescription medication and taking way over what I'm supposed too just to feel something .

I have recently been shopping constantly. When I shop it made me feel happy . Not for long so I would want to keep buying . Now this is the worst part of all and please I don't want abuse because I know how disgusting I am for doing this . I don't know why I am . I don't need too and the stuff I take I could buy myself . My job allows me to work in peoples houses . Same people who I have for the last ten years . I would never in a million years thought I would ever do this but I have been stealing ! From every single house . When I steal it makes me feel better . Like a release . And even happy ! How is this possible . Then I feel severe guilt and worry . But then when I get home I'm all happy again looking what I stole . I have been thinking of phoning the doctor today because I am so ashamed of myself . And I'm just not coping at all . To anyone who knows me they are even probably envious of my life because everything seems perfect . I work hard and long hours and I am on more than 3 times what the average monthly pay is so go on lovely holidays ect so why am I feeling so depressed ? I have cried all the way to my job . I feel so dead inside . I have even brought alcohol to work with me ! Am I having a breakdown ? Am I just a really nasty person ? Please help me

[upsidedown22]

I can't believe how much my anxiety and self hate has decreased since having all the support on here off you all . I didn't expect anything but hate . Which I know that's what I deserve . I promise I will never steal again . I knew it was wrong when I was doing it but I just couldn't stop . Does anyone think addictive personality runs in families ? My father is an alcoholic, most of my family are too and some have drank them selves to death . My mother used to be addicted to codiene , alcohol , and also I remember when I was young she used to steal clothes from shops ! My father is also a scitsophrenic . I can't spell it ha ha . I was brought up running from my father . We had to move to a women's refuge because of the violence . He beat my mother all the time and me too . When I was about 3 was the last time and that's when we left . I also had a puppy that I adored . I remember him calling me to the bathroom and he started drowning my dog in the bath and then put him in the toilet and kept flushing the chain . All this has troubled me . My mother then was constantly in abusive relationships and also very promiscuous.

I got sexually abused by her friend even tho I can't remember Much about it . It all finally came to me when I had my therapy session . I only managed a few because it left me so depressed for days . I'm on the highest anxiety medication, and Valium . I know I sound like a messed up person but on the outside I'm not I keep it all hidden . I'm a brilliant mother , wife keep everything in order and I wouldn't help anyone I could I just wish I could fix my inside . My nan was my saviour she was my safe place and I loved her so much . I would always consider her my mother and she would always say she loved me like a daughter . I had to witness her pass away a few months back which lasted weeks . She had an awful death and I also think this has maybe triggered something in me because I seek to have not been able to Greave at all x

[upsidedown22]

@PuggyMum

How do you feel today after opening up on here. This resonates with me a little although I can't say too much without a nc in case people know me.

Unfortunately for me I did get caught and it could have cost me everything. Fortunately it went through civil court very quietly and stayed under the radar from a work point of view and is now 'spent'.

But the lesson was harsh and swift.

I would definitely recommend speaking to your doctor and if things don't happen fast enough please invest in therapy for yourself.

You've already made the first step posting on her so i hope it's unburdened you a little.

I'm glad everything worked out for you op ❤️ do you still have the edge to steal or are you completely over it x

[DillonPanthersTexas]

They are stupid stuff like socks

My lack of matching socks is now making sense.

[Dervel]

Jesus the stuff you are stealing is so weak sauce! Honestly if it were from me I’d be more concerned about to be frank! Yeah yeah I know stealing in principle is wrong etc, but it’s almost like you are looking for an excuse to really hate yourself, but can’t really bring yourself to do anything truly heinous.

I’m not a therapist but if I had to take a swing at it I’d say the abuse and violence you experienced as a kid you internalised as being somehow deserving of it, and you are looking for ways to fit that internal narrative.

All the best, you sound pretty decent to me, you haven’t done anything remotely unforgivable.

[upsidedown22]

@DillonPanthersTexas

They are stupid stuff like socks

My lack of matching socks is now making sense.

😂😂😂😂😂 this made me laugh ! If you find matching pairs today you know this is me

[upsidedown22]

@Dervel

Jesus the stuff you are stealing is so weak sauce! Honestly if it were from me I’d be more concerned about to be frank! Yeah yeah I know stealing in principle is wrong etc, but it’s almost like you are looking for an excuse to really hate yourself, but can’t really bring yourself to do anything truly heinous.

I’m not a therapist but if I had to take a swing at it I’d say the abuse and violence you experienced as a kid you internalised as being somehow deserving of it, and you are looking for ways to fit that internal narrative.

All the best, you sound pretty decent to me, you haven’t done anything remotely unforgivable.

Il reply to this as soon as I leave this job ❤️ but you make sense x

[ExpectingLady93]

Get some help OP. Do NOT be ashamed. The fact you are on here is your first step.

[Jennalong]

You say you feel you are on the edge of a breakdown , I would suggest you are on a breakdown . As others have said , going to your gp will help , they will not judge you but point you in the direction of help .
If you can remember the items from the homes you took the stuff from , return them , you know it's the right thing to do. No-one has judged you on here , you are not a bad person , just someone who has allowed an urge to overtake them when they are feeling low and in need of a ' buzz ' . You realise it has not given you long term excitement , and can see it is in fact wrong , it can easily be fixed , and soon you can go back to the person who can leave a house and feel you have done a good job and helped those people.

[Monalotmoore]

IF you still work at these places is there any way you can sneak the items back and tuck them away in an odd place?

[Allsortsofroses]

@ChristmasScrooge

You need to give back what you've stolen. Bad childhood does not excuse your behaviour.

Mh problems from.a bad childhood could however.

Hpw sanctimonious, harsh, and Ignorant.

[Keepitonthedownlow]

OP you have been through so much. Sorry for the loss of your grandmother. You are obviously a strong and capable woman however. You will get through this

[PuggyMum]

For me (and also linked to childhood, my DF was a gambling addict and killed himself when I was 18), the urges are very much still there but it's around exposing loopholes and manipulation as opposed to theft.

People who know we're almost impressed.
But still very wrong and should have cost me my career. Possibly my marriage if I'd made the papers and a similar story did not long after.

I have spoken to my counsellor(s) extensively about this and being aware of your flaws makes managing them much much easier I promise.

[CheekyHobson]

I know I sound like a messed up person but on the outside I'm not I keep it all hidden . I'm a brilliant mother , wife keep everything in order and I wouldn't help anyone I could I just wish I could fix my inside .

Okay, love, this is the important part. You cannot go through life with your inside self and your outside self being different. The only way to be at peace in yourself is for you to reveal that sad and mixed-up inside, knowing that it's okay for you to face it – what happened to you was truly terrible and it wasn't your fault.

You say you stopped therapy because so many bad feelings came up and you didn't want to feel them. But that has to happen. Your impulses and compulsions are being driven by all these bad feelings hidden inside you. Therapy probably doesn't feel safe because it's exhausting and you're already trying to do so much, and you don't trust other people to be kind to you because why the hell would you expect that after the way you've been treated?!

But honestly, you must go back to therapy and stick with it, even through all the bad feelings. Is there any way that you can cut back your hours so you are not feeling so stressed all the time, and give yourself some space to spend time working through your issues and healing?

Or try to organise your schedule so that you have space and time for self-reflection and self-care after your therapy sessions. Like, organise them for a Friday afternoon, and afterwards, plan to go home, order takeout or have a very easy dinner to make, tell your husband that you will need time to talk about stuff (or find a supportive friend), be ready to cry and let the feelings out, spend the weekend reflecting, journalling, doing comforting things like playing with your daughter or going somewhere nice and peaceful.

You must make self-care a priority daily... not saving up for fancy holidays, but making your everyday life a calm and supportive one.

[category12]

@CheekyHobson

I know I sound like a messed up person but on the outside I'm not I keep it all hidden . I'm a brilliant mother , wife keep everything in order and I wouldn't help anyone I could I just wish I could fix my inside .

Okay, love, this is the important part. You cannot go through life with your inside self and your outside self being different. The only way to be at peace in yourself is for you to reveal that sad and mixed-up inside, knowing that it's okay for you to face it – what happened to you was truly terrible and it wasn't your fault.

You say you stopped therapy because so many bad feelings came up and you didn't want to feel them. But that has to happen. Your impulses and compulsions are being driven by all these bad feelings hidden inside you. Therapy probably doesn't feel safe because it's exhausting and you're already trying to do so much, and you don't trust other people to be kind to you because why the hell would you expect that after the way you've been treated?!

But honestly, you must go back to therapy and stick with it, even through all the bad feelings. Is there any way that you can cut back your hours so you are not feeling so stressed all the time, and give yourself some space to spend time working through your issues and healing?

Or try to organise your schedule so that you have space and time for self-reflection and self-care after your therapy sessions. Like, organise them for a Friday afternoon, and afterwards, plan to go home, order takeout or have a very easy dinner to make, tell your husband that you will need time to talk about stuff (or find a supportive friend), be ready to cry and let the feelings out, spend the weekend reflecting, journalling, doing comforting things like playing with your daughter or going somewhere nice and peaceful.

You must make self-care a priority daily... not saving up for fancy holidays, but making your everyday life a calm and supportive one.

This.

[Hodibiddy]

Well done for confronting this.
Sending you a hug. It’s not easy and I hope you can resolve this x x

[TheCheesyBakedBeanGetsGlam]

Shame keeps us locked in a lonely prison, on a negative spiral which can only end when we hit rock bottom. A lot of people talk about the 'gift or rock bottom' as though you cannot stop until you get there and you cannot ask for help until you do. But the truth is there are many, many moments of desperation and clarity and many opportunities to reach out. You don't have to wait until your whole life is on fire to get help. But the only way to lift shame is to stop keeping it to yourself. For me I have found moments of profound peace since working with a therapist and doing group work for different issues including trauma and addictive behaviour. For me it was when I realised that I am not alone. I'm not the best, I'm not the worst. I'm not the only one who struggles. I have developed some poor coping strategies but I can develop better ones. I deserve to heal my life.

You deserve to heal your life, too. You have developed some poor coping strategies but you can develop better ones (trust me, if I can do it so can you). You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the worst, you are not the best, and you are not alone.

I wish for you the same peace I have found, it is worth the brave vulnerability it takes to open up to somebody and stand in the light of your truth, it isn't easy but it is the only way to a whole life which we all deserve.

You are not your enemy, your shame is. It is shame that is your enemy. Turn to shame and say "you have kept me a prisoner for too long, but now I send you away."

[upsidedown22]

Hi I'm sorry I'm only now replying . I had a such a busy day and night . I bloody done it again !!!!!! 😥 I done so well all day . And this is the stupid bit ! Even tho I got 8 boxes at home I stole a Covid test box !!!!! What the actual f.

[upsidedown22]

I am 100 percent going back to therapy . I am not going to be this person anymore . I also think I have gone worse because my husband is not a nice person and it has took me so long to realise this . I always thought it was me . I used to apologise constantly saying il change , change the way I look for him to love me again . He was great when we first met but over the months he was like he had a split personality . He's been emotionally and physically abusing me . Again I have told no one . Just thought it is what I deserved . He's the only one I spoke too about my sexual abuse and he told me I was making memories up in my head and got annoyed with me . So I have never mentioned it since . But you are right that I think I deserve all this . I have chose awful relationships . Been cheated on , raped , beat . Then I met this man I was engaged to for two years and he was the kindest person I have ever met and I ruined it . I left him and the way I done it still makes me sad . Also the way I treated him. I wasn't used to nice . So thought he was nice for a reason . He is my biggest regret . I would of had such a Happy life with him . I met up with him a few years back to say how sorry I was for the way I treated him . I'm in work now and just want to go home . The only reason why I work all these long hours is because if I ever get home before 4 or want a day off my husband calls me lazy . So I feel anxious then and don't enjoy having time off . 😭

[PurpleSneakers]

That’s quite a bit to unpick @upsidedown22.

To stick with your opening issue, taking things sounds like a self-soothing compulsion that you definitely need therapeutic help with and until you do, you need to remove yourself from other people’s houses (take leave from work - if you were physically sick you would), as you will continue to take things.

[category12]

Op, if your husband is abusive, please exit the relationship. Speak to local domestic abuse services or Women's Aid about what's going on.

You can't really resolve the symptoms of trauma while living with abuse.

[hamstersarse]

There’s a lot going on here. A lot,

You’ve unresolved trauma, a lot of that. You’ve harmful coping mechanisms, a lot of that. And you are literally reliving trauma everyday with the abuse at home.

You need support with this, one woman cannot tackle this alone, especially when your emotions will be intense day to day because of your marriage (no time for reflection etc)

I’d say your priority is to get yourself in a stable home. One where you can truly start to heal and understand ‘you’ some more. You’ll need help, and it’s not going to be easy. And the danger is you spiral your destructive behaviours in the meantime, perhaps get caught drinking / stealing.

How possible is it for you to leave? What’s your housing situation, financial situation etc? Can you take some time off work while you work things out?

[hamstersarse]

By the way, I know you think you hide it well, and you may well do. But there are people out there who can spot things in people’s behaviours. I’m one of them.

If I knew you, I’d know that you had issues.

I’m saying this not to make you paranoid, but to know that people may well be watching you already, they won’t be saying anything right now, but they’ll be on to you, and so you MUST stop the stealing.

If you get caught, you are in absolute catastrophe mode. Youll lose your job, and the shame with your daughter will be unbearable….and let’s not go to what license it will give your husband to humiliate you. Stop stop stop.

[Tarne]

Op you are really brave and a wonderful mother and wife. It's a shame your DH is the spanner in the works.

But it's great that you have identified this

It's going to be uphill from now on. You know what you have to do to heal.

Your own time. You will get there

[User5252727]

You sound desperately in need of help. Please speak to your GP. There are treatments - medication and therapy - which can help you. You deserve to feel whole and happy.

[upsidedown22]

I was too scared to come back on here after I wrote I stole again . Thankyou for being so kind again . I'm actually one of them people who can see through them and work out what kind of person they are . So you are probably right that a few people can tell . I need to stop the self loathing and get a grip . I havnt really got anyone I'm comfortable enough to go to when I'm feeling really low . Only place I seek to end up is nans grave crying and talking for ages but yet again just like therapy I feel so deflated afterwards . I have always suffered with depression . Also anger years ago but I literally have no anger left anymore . I get odd feelings when I'm driving lately to just not go home at all and randomly drive miles and miles away where no one knows me and be on my way