When you know, you really know?

[WellBuggerMeSideways]

I've always dismissed this one as a bit of a cliche. I heavily subscribed to the idea that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone well enough to know whether they are the right person to maintain a relationship with. It's always been a bit of work.

And now there is this man. We met online through a shared hobby, hit it off straight away as soon as we started calling and direct messaging.

He lives some distance away and I booked a hotel to go and see him within a week of getting to know each other (we met in a public place etc, so little risk, though that wsn't even on my mind at the time; it just felt so safe).

We spent over 6 hours talking without any awkward silences. I felt comfortable sitting physically close almost as soon as I met him, touching his legs/ arms just felt natural. We kissed within an hour. The only reason it didn't go on for longer was because the bar we sat in shut. We did not sleep with each other, even though leaving at the hotel was hard.

We have not managed a voice chat in under an hour since; most of the time 4 hours fly by and it never feels like more than an hour.

I have never laughed so much and my face aches from grinning ear to ear. Everything with him feels incredibly easy and natural. We're on each others' minds all the time. We are actively and without any mention even from the other striving to improve ourselves (he told me yesterday he never had lamp shades and has suddenly felt the need to get some so I feel comfortable in his place when I get there).

I guess, the question is - even though we have known each other for only a short time (3 weeks), do any of you have experience with just knowing when something is right? I'm very wary of the concept of love at first sight or knowing "the one", but, bloody hell, my instincts tell me it is just that. It's something neither of us have experienced before and we're both old enough to not take things lightly.

But we both feel like giggly teenagers in our mid-40s.

Does that mean we may have actually found this thing that I thought movies made up for profit? Did anyone meet a life partner and knew from the off?

In my experience and anecdotally I'd say it can be true yes. But - that doesn't stop a life event happening or your partner or you changing over time into someone you never would have chosen...

So although you can find this amazing connection, you still need to work to keep it and not become complacent after so many years together.

Yes, it can happen. I met my husband when I was 17 and we were exactly like this. At the 3 week part he stayed the night and other than work and a few stag/hen dos we’ve never spent a night away from each other, together 24 years, married 22 and currently going through a bit of a honeymoon phase as we’ve had the house to ourselves. I can’t imagine ever not being with him.

However, I think it’s rare, it could change at any moment- nothing is promised in this world, and there’s been huge ups and downs, marriage is hard work. It’s not just a given, sometimes you have to seriously compromise, or do little things that keep things on an even keel. It’s hard work, it’s worth it though.

Ohh, and hospital stays, few of those on my part!

Hang on, he'd never had lamp shades? Just bare bulbs? You might be in for a shock when you see his house.

Conversely and just to put the other less optimistic side.

I had a relationship like that, thought he was "the one", we had "found" each other. He said something very, very similar re his house. Everyone said they had never seen me so happy. We just seemed to match.

Being so smitten made me overlook some red flags, turns out he was a love bombing expert. I overlooked his relationship history as he had an poor relationship with his Ex, and of course it looked like she was the one at fault. I left and he quickly moved on to someone else and he is a different person with her, even changing his hobbies. I think he genuinely believes he has found "the one" with each new partner and he puts them on a pedestal but it's obviously not realistic, he then becomes emotionally abusive when the partner disappoints.

My advice, enjoy the new relationship but proceed slowly, get to know his past relationship history and watch for mirroring.

Enjoy it but do keep your eyes open. I'm my experience perfect men still have flaws ( as do perfect women ) none of us are perfect it's just a case of finding someone who's flaws you can put up with and vice versa . Good luck to you both, and I truly hope it works out for you.

Sometimes this amazing sense of connection can be the creation of mirroring and lovebombing.

Hopefully it isn't.

Enjoy.

Just don't make any major life decisions on the strength of a few weeks of high emotion.

Yes, I have been love bombed - feels amazing at the time and then there is the big drop. I'd take everything with a pinch of salt until you get to know him. (I was love bombed by a man and we used to talk every day between 2-5 hours).

Thanks all, it definitely isn't love bombing. He is very careful to take things at my pace (it's just that my pace appears to want to complete a race right now), respects my wishes and non-contact times when I'm at work or busy in any other way and he has been very candid about his flaws, none of which are an issue. And while it may sound completely premature, I know he is actively holding back of professing any deep feelings, because we both think it's ridiculously early for that.

Yes, his place isn't something he is proud of, which is why I'm not allowed to see it until he has sorted it out, with very firm plans in place for that. He admitted he'd given up hope a bit, so it was functional rather than pretty.

His relationship history is long enough to know he's capable of commitment, but not so long as to cause me any concerns. And while he has been telling me about the reasons for his breakups in major relationships (I asked), he is also very careful to point out that his exes were not awful people.

I have been actively looking for red flags, because I can't believe that I may be so lucky. But none have come up. At all.

We're not close geographically and I have heavy commitments (including children), which is what forces us to take things very slow on a practical level. And we both admit we need that. But, emotionally, we seem incapable of taking things slow.

Yes, I do think you can tell if there's a feeling this is the person you may end up with. But of course life can still get in the way of that. I had it with my exH the first night we spent together - put my head on his chest and just knew we'd end up together. He said he knew he'd marry me after our first date. Our marriage sadly didn't work out (an amicable split) but right till the end we shared the same connection we had at the start, and even the few times I see him now I still feel a warmth towards him - so I know it was right. He was the only man I'd felt that with in all my relationships.

I have now felt the same with my current partner, where from our first date, it felt so right - and I certainly didn't feel it with the men I dated before him. Who knows if we'll end up together but I have the same strong feeling I did with my exH that we are likely to.

So yes, I do think that sometimes you can just know. Good luck with it OP, I hope it works out!

It can start like this and turn out into a long and happy relationship.
It can also happen like this and turn into nothing, fizzle out once you know each other better.
It can also turn into a disaster.

All of these are still possible regardless of how much chemistry you currently feel. Chemistry doesn’t always turn into a great relationship fit. It can, but no guarantees.

Personally - a man in mid 40s who lives in a house without lamps shades and who can’t have me around - as he needs to ‘get it into a better shape’ - is a potentially strange creature. When exactly did he give up on life and dating 🤔….

But you are enjoying yourself - so why not. Just don’t be too into the whole Hollywood movie idea of The One and you’ll be ok

@WellBuggerMeSideways, does he have a reasonable relationship with his Ex? I assume he has children.

And while it may sound completely premature, I know he is actively holding back of professing any deep feelings

How do you know this?

To be honest, your reply concerned me far more than your original post.

How old are your kids

[quote Fireflygal]@WellBuggerMeSideways, does he have a reasonable relationship with his Ex? I assume he has children.

And while it may sound completely premature, I know he is actively holding back of professing any deep feelings

How do you know this?[/quote]
No, he doesn't, but his last relationship has been a few years back now and she repeatedly cheated on him, so I'm not surprised.

He does not have children, no - not for lack of wanting them after a certain age, but for lack of opportunity.

As for the latter? Hard to put into words, but a few pregnant pauses at significant moments and an acknowledgement that a lot of what is going on between us right now emotionally is very likely just endorphines talking, a reminder to ourselves, occasionally, that we've only been talking for a few weeks. I know that I, too, have been very careful not to read into my feelings.

Sounds like fun, enjoy the ride!!!

You can't know it's not lovebombing or mirroring at this stage. If it was that easy to tell, no-one would ever get sucked into it.

Who paid for the hotel?

some strange questions on here. Neither my children's ages nor who paid for what matters.

I have no intention on letting him meet my kids for months and we both take equal financial responsibility for things.

You're gonna get a lot of cynicism on here OP.

Yes of course, be careful but it sounds to me as if you two are in the first flushes of falling in love. Try not to overthink it, such a beautiful feeling is rare. Be sensible and realistic, but enjoy him, enjoy this feeling! It's the best thing in the world when you get it right xxxx

I asked who paid for the hotel because on a first date I wouldn't expect to have to travel to meet the man (unless I was going there anyway). That may sound old-fashioned but I think any man worth his salt would not expect the woman to pay for the first date.

You don't really know him though, do you? You know the side of him he is letting you see. Not him at 5am, having to get up for work, do the school run, bleach the toilet, warts and all. Be careful OP.

@WellBuggerMeSideways this sounds absolutely amazing and good luck to you both. Unfortunately I’ve just had this exact same situation and he’s ghosted me, even after all of our endless deep emotional chats. It seems impossible to fathom given the connection we had and I’m devastated. I would just say try to proceed with slight caution, but I know the excitement and hope that it brings and that is lovely xx

Just take it slowly. The chemicals released at the outset of a relationship are intoxicating. Presumably he would be comfortable moving in the future as he doesn’t have kids so no ties. The less disruption for children the better.

It is intoxicating and such a lovely stage. I guess the questions around your children are just to understand your commitments, if they are old enough to be leaving home soon as you mentioned it's a long distance relationship.

Also I think the point about you going to see him is relevant, could he come to you next time and stay in a hotel? Just make sure you're not the one making the efforts despite him being child free.

Keep reminding yourself it's 3 weeks and that means it is moving quickly. The distance will be a challenge and could force decisions which aren't in your longterm interests.

I felt I knew with my OH but it was hard to get past the, what might be wrong, looking for flaws, why are you single, part. When I said this, he asked what would help me feel more comfortable and in the end I ended up meeting his parents and siblings and their kids as well as friends and that really helped get a feel for him and now we're happily married with kids. For me, meeting his parents in particular completely put my mind at ease that he was who he said he was, he was looking for the things he said he was etc. Does he talk much about his family?