When you know, you really know?

[WellBuggerMeSideways]

I've always dismissed this one as a bit of a cliche. I heavily subscribed to the idea that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone well enough to know whether they are the right person to maintain a relationship with. It's always been a bit of work.

And now there is this man. We met online through a shared hobby, hit it off straight away as soon as we started calling and direct messaging.

He lives some distance away and I booked a hotel to go and see him within a week of getting to know each other (we met in a public place etc, so little risk, though that wsn't even on my mind at the time; it just felt so safe).

We spent over 6 hours talking without any awkward silences. I felt comfortable sitting physically close almost as soon as I met him, touching his legs/ arms just felt natural. We kissed within an hour. The only reason it didn't go on for longer was because the bar we sat in shut. We did not sleep with each other, even though leaving at the hotel was hard.

We have not managed a voice chat in under an hour since; most of the time 4 hours fly by and it never feels like more than an hour.

I have never laughed so much and my face aches from grinning ear to ear. Everything with him feels incredibly easy and natural. We're on each others' minds all the time. We are actively and without any mention even from the other striving to improve ourselves (he told me yesterday he never had lamp shades and has suddenly felt the need to get some so I feel comfortable in his place when I get there).

I guess, the question is - even though we have known each other for only a short time (3 weeks), do any of you have experience with just knowing when something is right? I'm very wary of the concept of love at first sight or knowing "the one", but, bloody hell, my instincts tell me it is just that. It's something neither of us have experienced before and we're both old enough to not take things lightly.

But we both feel like giggly teenagers in our mid-40s.

Does that mean we may have actually found this thing that I thought movies made up for profit? Did anyone meet a life partner and knew from the off?

@Mysticguru YES YES YES

Where has this quote been all my life ??
This is what I was trying to say (wishes she had read the full thread)

Watching with interest because I am absolutely convinced that the person I am with (4months in) is a keeper and was from the first time we went out alone together (mutual friends sharing a hobby met at the hobby club) -lots of issues on both sides and will not be an easy ride but he as enriched my life so much in many ways that will endure even if the relationship doesn’t.
We should all revisit this thread a year from now! 😁

I really hope it works out,.... I may be old fashioned but on a first meet I would expect the man to make the effort and travel to me. Good luck though, hope you have found a good one.

Hmmmm to begin with I was all on board with this. But your updates worry me a little “this is easily explainable “ - yes it may well be. But the one thing that jumps out about all of thus - is you only know what he has told you (about his house, his exes, his friends etc etc). He could be a total hoarder loving in utter squalor, you just don’t know.

In actual fact, I’m in a new relationship with a man (mid40s, single quite a long time) who only has one set of (very nice, high thread count white cotton) bedding! He just washes it and tumble dries it every week. He has a lovely house that he’d renovated it himself and I saw it straight away after we started seeing him. So I think I’d say to him - I’m not worried about how you live, whether it’s utter luxury, we can see each other as we currently are. Otherwise I think that IS a red flag.

You know, it doesn't need to be 'lovebombing' or anything sinister -- we can easily delude ourselves without any intent from the other person, in the hormone-addled flush of the early days.

The last guy I had a relationship with before DH, and whom I thought was brilliant, emotionally-intelligent and attractively self-contained, turned out after the guts of a year to be completely different to how I'd first read him. What I thought was 'attractively self-contained' was 'simply too lazy to make friendships' (he still talked about his university friends from 20 years earlier, but it transpired he hadn't seen them in well over a decade, and only then because his ex-wife had invited them to their wedding), and 'emotionally intelligent' turned out to be navel-gazing and weepy, and the brilliance, while real, was never going to be any use with his level of procrastination and passivity.

It shocked me how much the initial attraction had blinded me to what he was really like. A nice man, definitely, and an attractive one, but a weak, passive individual.

That really made me look to myself and think about how I'd deluded myself in that relationship -- he hadn't misrepresented himself at all.

I agree it doesn't have to be "love bombing" or any of those other buzzwords.

You're having a fab time. Enjoy it!

Update us in 6months please

I knew immediately. I messaged a friend from the loo (on our first date) and said ‘I’ve met my husband’. Never known anything like it. It was done. We were to be.

We’re getting married next year.

Yes, it happened for me. I was nursing a badly broken heart when I first met DH at university. He chased after me for several weeks until I finally agreed to go on a date. That first date actually lasted the whole weekend and by the Sunday night we both just knew that this was forever.

That was 30 years ago and we're still very much in love and very happily married. He makes me die laughing and despite his big tummy and greying stubble I still fancy him to bits. He still makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room.

Not at the 6 month mark, but:

Dates 3 and 4 are already planned and booked. And yes, he is getting himself down here, therefore disproving the theory I have to do all the work. He's coming over on a train, because he doesn't drive. No, I don't give a fuck he doesn't drive; it's not like he is now relying on me to sort his life out.

We are still splitting all dates 50/50, from travel to hotels and food. No, he is not after my money (I have a bit, but not that much).

I have spoken to his best mate, too, albeit virtually (again, distance) and have seen a text showing he approves, too . All the people in our online group (that he is a big part of) know, so that should put everyone at ease who thinks he's hiding me from his friends.

Oh, and he is making an effort to lose some weight.

All out of his own accord; I didn't have to do or say a thing. He admits his mental health has got the better of him over the last few years, so he let things slide, but he is thoroughly motivated again now.

For what it's worth, I am glad that I did not get pre-judged because of my weight and my own mental health issues. We deal with our own baggage as adults do.

And we're genuinely happy doing so. I will definitely update in a few months to report how we're getting on :)

Hello. I know two women. One early 40s. The other early 50s. Both had a similar experience. It went horribly wrong for both very quickly. One was actually Love Bombed.

I do think that you can meet someone and instinctively know that they are the one. That said, there is something non your post that had my spidey sensors going. 6 months and only a 3rd date planned; I know it's long distance but even a date once a month would be more reasonable if he's 'the one'

I imagine it can but on the flip side...The only relationship I felt like this at the beginning was my ex. People commented on how well we synced. Everything felt fated. We spent hours on the phone talking, staying up late etc. We dated for 2 years.

Yeah.....he love bombed me. Turns out he changed his hobbies like the weather depending on who he was infatuated with that day: friends, girls, parent (separated parents)....

Literally became someone unrecognisable after we broke up.

Nothing of what you've written sounds any different from how I viewed my ex at the time. Sorry to sound cynical.

Alternatively my DP (of 12 years) was a slow burner. Enjoyed his company and liked him a lot, but wasn't convinced he was long term partner material for me until about 6 months in. I believe in the saying that true love feels like a comfy blanket not excitement or passion.

Unfortunately this could also be what's known as 'lovebombing.' As much as you feel in love, I'd be weary if I were you. From experience.

He has an ex who was unfaithful all the time, she told you herself did she? Anyone that starts to lay the boot in about their ex is trying to elicit sympathy and would make me deeply suspicious.

If the shared hobby is gaming be very careful, I’m a gamer but ruddy hell the percentage of weirdos in gaming is higher than average, so many men have tried to hit on me online it’s uurrggh.

100% when you know you! I had a chance enculounter with my DH when I took a car to my brother at work, DH was in the year above me at school and we have lots of mutual friends (small town), we went out for dinner 2 weeks later and 12 months down the line got married! However, we saw each other all the time, I couldn't have only had a small amount of dates in 6 months, that's a red flag for me

Ugh! encounter and 11 months

You are very defensive, OP. Presumably you want honesty from answers, otherwise what’s the point? I wish you well.

It can deffo happen. Knowing someone for a very short period of time and just knowing that they are the one. Everything just feels right. There's nothing wrong with that.

However whether it will last is a different story. Down to luck really. Some couples become committed very quickly and last a lifetime. Others take their time but eventually breakup.

I got married to someone I knew for 4 months. Knew he was the one after 3 weeks of dating. We're married 3 years and now in the middle of a divorce with a young infant.

Hi OP, I'd say if you can be sure the 'oh wow' feeling comes from you then yes, perhaps he is a good one.
But if you think it's coming from him then no, it's love bombing.

@WellBuggerMeSideways do you have an update?

Having never been in love and, it would seem, impervious to love bombing, I started seeing someone a year ago.

I'd known him through actual hobby/friendship group for about 4 years and he told me he loved me before we'd even been on a first date. But, importantly, he told me what he loved about me. He told me where and when we were and what I was wearing the night he realised he was in love with me and didn't just have a bit of a crush and what had happened that made him realise it. He said nothing for 3 years.

He's 12 years older than me and, on our first date, I felt really conscious of this! But, 12 months on, it's going from strength to strength and we both knew from about 3 weeks in that this was it.

I believe my feelings because I've never loved anyone before. I believe him because his actions stack up.

I wouldn't believe just words and I wouldn't be 'easily explaining' anything away.

Having never been in love and, it would seem, impervious to love bombing, I started seeing someone a year ago.

I'd known him through actual hobby/friendship group for about 4 years and he told me he loved me before we'd even been on a first date. But, importantly, he told me what he loved about me. He told me where and when we were and what I was wearing the night he realised he was in love with me and didn't just have a bit of a crush and what had happened that made him realise it. He said nothing for 3 years.

He's 12 years older than me and, on our first date, I felt really conscious of this! But, 12 months on, it's going from strength to strength and we both knew from about 3 weeks in that this was it.

I believe my feelings because I've never loved anyone before. I believe him because his actions stack up.

I wouldn't believe just words and I wouldn't be 'easily explaining' anything away.

Three weeks in and you've started a thread asking for stories that back up your theory that you can foretell the future based on two nice dates. It's foolish.

Take it a date at a time, cut the four hour phone calls because how on earth is the rest of your life not being put on the back burner? And stop valuing or devaluing your current happiness by trying to link it a 15 year oldest idea of happy ever after, fate and wishful thinking.

It takes 24 hours to buy, have delivered and fit lampshades. The story of how he lives is much worse and in that lack of self care, self respect and productive use of time and resources lies the real journey you're about to embark on...getting to know him.

Op, of course you can just know with some people. However you posting this means on some level you are suspicious that this is not the one.
It is very easy to be enchanted with a new romantic partner when you rarely see each other, it makes it more exciting, distance does make the heart grow fonder as well as phone calls not showing the full picture of someone’s life/personality. Also sexual attraction really fucks a lot of things up-I know through bitter experience on this one.
His life is clearly not all settled, he is ‘planning’ to make his home nice for you-to me that reads like he does not care how he lives, personally like men who have a decent living situation for themselves. He is losing weight for you-if he was so unhappy with it why has he not done anything about it before. He sounds like he has the talk but not the walk.
Also, you have only met him once but you are ‘meeting’ his friend over the phone-personally I hate this and it seems weird and unnatural somehow, like he is maximising the connection you have so you feel so enmeshed you can’t leave.