When you know, you really know?

[WellBuggerMeSideways]

I've always dismissed this one as a bit of a cliche. I heavily subscribed to the idea that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone well enough to know whether they are the right person to maintain a relationship with. It's always been a bit of work.

And now there is this man. We met online through a shared hobby, hit it off straight away as soon as we started calling and direct messaging.

He lives some distance away and I booked a hotel to go and see him within a week of getting to know each other (we met in a public place etc, so little risk, though that wsn't even on my mind at the time; it just felt so safe).

We spent over 6 hours talking without any awkward silences. I felt comfortable sitting physically close almost as soon as I met him, touching his legs/ arms just felt natural. We kissed within an hour. The only reason it didn't go on for longer was because the bar we sat in shut. We did not sleep with each other, even though leaving at the hotel was hard.

We have not managed a voice chat in under an hour since; most of the time 4 hours fly by and it never feels like more than an hour.

I have never laughed so much and my face aches from grinning ear to ear. Everything with him feels incredibly easy and natural. We're on each others' minds all the time. We are actively and without any mention even from the other striving to improve ourselves (he told me yesterday he never had lamp shades and has suddenly felt the need to get some so I feel comfortable in his place when I get there).

I guess, the question is - even though we have known each other for only a short time (3 weeks), do any of you have experience with just knowing when something is right? I'm very wary of the concept of love at first sight or knowing "the one", but, bloody hell, my instincts tell me it is just that. It's something neither of us have experienced before and we're both old enough to not take things lightly.

But we both feel like giggly teenagers in our mid-40s.

Does that mean we may have actually found this thing that I thought movies made up for profit? Did anyone meet a life partner and knew from the off?

Yes, we have talked about his family a lot, but he comes from a very broken home and the one parent he had a great relationship with passed away a few years ago. His friends are more of a family to him now and he told them as soon as we arranged our date and vague plans to meet his best mate of over 20 years soonish have been mentioned.

It was exactly like that when DH and I met. We met online, were married almost a year to the day we met, and mid-December we’ll celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. We still get on like a house on fire, we’re just a great match.

I definitely knew when I knew.

Good luck OP!!

I think love bombing and the start of a lovely, genuine love affair can look pretty similar. So while yes I think it can happen, it’s wise just to enjoy but keep your head about you. As long as the epic phone calls etc. aren’t interfering with your daily life like work and parenting, then i’d crack on, enjoy and just see what happens.

I would however ensure I kept reminding myself that you can get the sense of really knowing someone when you have a lot of intense contact really quickly, mixed in with the hormone bomb that infatuation sets off - and to really get to know someone takes time. Not to put a dampener on things but to remind myself to enjoy what it is but not to get too invested too fast.

Hope it works out for you!!

Those light bulbs are really worrying me as is the fact he won't let you see his home. Honestly, OP, you can tell so much about someone by looking at their home. He's in his 40s - old enough to know you need lamp shades. And it's not a 'flaw' - it's what he's used to and how he lives.

@Salayes. I totally agree. I had a fantastic connection with my H for many years, but here I am 25 years later with a H who simply isn’t the same person and is quite capable of doing things I would never have believed in the first 5 years.

The concept is confirmation bias really. Off all the people who say 'I just knew', some will stay together and some won't. The ones who stay together will say that in doing so, they prove that they 100% knew. Those who break up won't use the 'when you know, you know' phrase because it didn't work out for them.

So there's no way of knowing if when you know, you know

But, emotionally, we seem incapable of taking things slow.

But it's been what, around 21 days?

You don't know each other, not really, not at all, not yet.

Having deep conversations about past relationships, planning to meet best mates 'soon', proclaiming he is on your mind constantly etc... none of that is a substitute for spending time together getting to know each other at a sensible pace.

Three weeks. It was November when you met and it's still November now.

Enjoy getting to know each other but your replies don't make this sound healthier, they make it sound less healthy.

Chill!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

The concept is confirmation bias really. Off all the people who say 'I just knew', some will stay together and some won't. The ones who stay together will say that in doing so, they prove that they 100% knew. Those who break up won't use the 'when you know, you know' phrase because it didn't work out for them.

So there's no way of knowing if when you know, you know

*of all the people, not 'off'. Obviously.

I hope it works out for you, OP. I have to agree with some others that, in some cases, it doesn't. The connection between me and my exH seemed like this, leading me to overlook a lot of red flags and also to commit to him when I didn't yet know him well enough. The abuse emerged later.

It could work out fine, enjoy the feeling but just take it slow when it comes to anything that ties you to him or would affect your children.

I've had that level of communication with people and then it suddenly stops.

What are your plans for meeting next time?

I too had an immediate connection and overlooked what was in fact love bombing...it was one of the best starts to any relationship I've had. 7 months later it started to go a bit strange and the subtle abuse started. I do think it's possible for this feeling to be safe or sinister, the only way of really knowing is to pause and take time out to consider where you are. Take the pulse of the relationship. My ex and I spoke for 3 hours each night in the first 4 months....I thought it was a 'connection' but it was him deliberately monopolising my time. If something is right then a bit of pacing won't harm it. Really hope it's a good outcome OP 😊

Please be careful. I would say there are some big red flags. Does not let you see his place, has no family so you can't see them and vague plans to meet a best friend. I really hope that I'm wrong but having finally got out of a very abusive relationship it sounds so familiar

I felt like this when I met my DP. We met online, would talk for hours on end on the phone. I couldn't find a single fault with him.
10 years on we're still very much in love with a 6 year old, although I did discover some faults, not putting the loo seat down is a big one!

@WellBuggerMeSideways

Thanks all, it definitely isn't love bombing. He is very careful to take things at my pace (it's just that my pace appears to want to complete a race right now), respects my wishes and non-contact times when I'm at work or busy in any other way and he has been very candid about his flaws, none of which are an issue. And while it may sound completely premature, I know he is actively holding back of professing any deep feelings, because we both think it's ridiculously early for that.

Yes, his place isn't something he is proud of, which is why I'm not allowed to see it until he has sorted it out, with very firm plans in place for that. He admitted he'd given up hope a bit, so it was functional rather than pretty.

His relationship history is long enough to know he's capable of commitment, but not so long as to cause me any concerns. And while he has been telling me about the reasons for his breakups in major relationships (I asked), he is also very careful to point out that his exes were not awful people.

I have been actively looking for red flags, because I can't believe that I may be so lucky. But none have come up. At all.

We're not close geographically and I have heavy commitments (including children), which is what forces us to take things very slow on a practical level. And we both admit we need that. But, emotionally, we seem incapable of taking things slow.

There is love bombing...

... and then there is clever love bombing!

It may work out but no, there is nothing here that doesn't make me raise an eyebrow. These posts come along with regularity and it's always folk who say 'I've never been the kind of person to...'

I guess we are pretty much all 'not that kind of person' except for the time we are!

Just be as careful as you would with anyone. Probably, more so. It doesn't actually matter if he is 'THE ONE!' because it will happen anyway. But if he's the clever bullshitter type who is expert in playing clever switched on women like a fiddle, he won't find it so easy.

I was always super cautious and a commitment phobe. I couldn’t even plan a month in advance with someone used to freak me out. If I saw a slightly amber flag I ran ! With my dh, I just completely changed, we were married with a child in a year. I still look back and can’t believe how I changed. He was the same.
Years later we are so connected and love each other to bits despite lots of challenges.
I do really think when you meet the right one it does happen quickly. Of course, be aware of lovebombing etc ( also experienced these types) but it is nice to have fun and enjoy this too

There's an old Buddhist teaching that says....

If you meet someone and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak...............
that's not the one.
When you meet your soul mate, you'll feel calm. No anxiety. No agitation!

It might be the real thing. It may not.

You say no red flags. Not allowing you to visit his flat is a big one. When I met my partner he told me his flat was a mess. He sorted it as a priority. Maybe rather than talking for hours he could be getting light shades up and the rest.

Also, and this is always true. You don’t know if what he says about previous relationships, friends and family is true or not , so it’s always wise to be cautious however you feel about him.

Sure all anyone can do is live in the moment, its not like any of us have any other choice.
You seem like you are having a lot of fun so enjoy

OP- I felt (and feel) this way about my current BF. From the first messages we exchanged via OLD we felt an amazing connection. We have now been together 3 months, which is not a long time but we have spent a lot of time together during that period.

I have at times questioned whether it could be real or when he will suddenly reveal his "true" nature. He has reassured me by introducing me to his friends and family, so I know he wants me to be a real fixture on his life (and I have done the same). He tells me what he's thinking and what he wants out of our relationship and asks me the same. There's a level of communication that makes me feel relaxed and secure. I am blissfully happy with him and it is the first time I have ever felt that way about anyone- I am in my late 40s and was married for almost 20 years, for context.

All I can say is enjoy this unique experience but protect yourself- don't make any financial or practical commitments or give up your own friends or lifestyle.

The bottom line is that yes, he may turn out to be a frog and your heart gets broken but that's the risk we all take when we fall in love. Good luck!

I think his idea of what is functional in a flat might be very different to yours.

If it was purely functional why wouldn't he invite you there?

Every relationship is different, but the two times this happened to me, it fizzled out just as fast. And the two times it was slow & steady & "reasonable", it lasted/ing years.

Questions about the ages of your children are relevant as it might affect how the relationship can progress. Does he want children of his own, for example? Are you restricted to when you can meet because of your commitments? Is he open about meeting your children in the future?

You say no red flags. Not allowing you to visit his flat is a big one. When I met my partner he told me his flat was a mess. He sorted it as a priority. Maybe rather than talking for hours he could be getting light shades up and the rest.

No, that is very easily explained. His occupation doesn't pay much, so while he has a clear plan and finish date, he has to ration his money - he has already got a second set of bedding and covers for me, has tidied (I am not a tidy bot, so know exactly what it's like to be somewhat reluctant to allow new people into the house) and has selcted paints and little things that add to comfort, just not bought them yet until he gets paid again.

That is in addition to sharing the hotel bills, drinks/ food out etc. To me, managing his money and only buying what he can afford and when, is a positive, but I am aware that money, or lack thereof, is a divisive topic on MN.

As for when we see each other again? This weekend, all booked and arranged. And no, after this short time I would not expect to be introduced to his friends/ family. I have done my FB stalking background checks and know what he told me is true from what I can see.

Like I said, no plans to quickly go further than you would with any date/ relationship that just started out. I have no intention of making any binding commitments any time soon.

And yes, I have been lovebombed twice in my past and know exactly what it's like. This is not it. I feel completely safe with him.

@Coldtoday

Questions about the ages of your children are relevant as it might affect how the relationship can progress. Does he want children of his own, for example? Are you restricted to when you can meet because of your commitments? Is he open about meeting your children in the future?

Yes, I am restricted in when we can meet. He is fine with that, for many reasons. When I tell him I need time to sort my kids out, I get that time, no questions asked. He has actually said, when we spoke about my kids and how long I am seeing how things progress before I let him meet them, that he doesn't want to be shut out of it all - he is happy to wait for me to be comfortable, but also knows I come with my kids and is happy to support that.

He wanted kids in the past, but also knows that he is now getting to an age where he feels too old to have his own, what with nearing 70 by the time they'd feasibly be adults, even if we waited only a year or two.

Our life goals for the future align really well. And that is just by two-way conversation - not one just agreeing with the other.