When you know, you really know?

[WellBuggerMeSideways]

I've always dismissed this one as a bit of a cliche. I heavily subscribed to the idea that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone well enough to know whether they are the right person to maintain a relationship with. It's always been a bit of work.

And now there is this man. We met online through a shared hobby, hit it off straight away as soon as we started calling and direct messaging.

He lives some distance away and I booked a hotel to go and see him within a week of getting to know each other (we met in a public place etc, so little risk, though that wsn't even on my mind at the time; it just felt so safe).

We spent over 6 hours talking without any awkward silences. I felt comfortable sitting physically close almost as soon as I met him, touching his legs/ arms just felt natural. We kissed within an hour. The only reason it didn't go on for longer was because the bar we sat in shut. We did not sleep with each other, even though leaving at the hotel was hard.

We have not managed a voice chat in under an hour since; most of the time 4 hours fly by and it never feels like more than an hour.

I have never laughed so much and my face aches from grinning ear to ear. Everything with him feels incredibly easy and natural. We're on each others' minds all the time. We are actively and without any mention even from the other striving to improve ourselves (he told me yesterday he never had lamp shades and has suddenly felt the need to get some so I feel comfortable in his place when I get there).

I guess, the question is - even though we have known each other for only a short time (3 weeks), do any of you have experience with just knowing when something is right? I'm very wary of the concept of love at first sight or knowing "the one", but, bloody hell, my instincts tell me it is just that. It's something neither of us have experienced before and we're both old enough to not take things lightly.

But we both feel like giggly teenagers in our mid-40s.

Does that mean we may have actually found this thing that I thought movies made up for profit? Did anyone meet a life partner and knew from the off?

You don't want to hear it, but it sounds like text book love bombing, sorry. Some men are just better at it than others.

And I had to laugh that his idea of 'self improvement' is buying lampshades. He's in his 40's!

His occupation doesn't pay much, so while he has a clear plan and finish date, he has to ration his money

Do you earn a lot more than him, btw?

@PaulRuddsWife

You don't want to hear it, but it sounds like text book love bombing, sorry. Some men are just better at it than others.

And I had to laugh that his idea of 'self improvement' is buying lampshades. He's in his 40's!

Sorry but I agree. Hopefully we are wrong. This sounds absolutely textbook though.

It happened for me. I knew I was going to marry my husband from our first date. I know I could easily have felt that way and it might not have worked out but for me it did. We've been together for nearly ten years and he's better than ever.

Yes, I really, genuinely thought I’d found this, turns out he was a lovebombing, gaslighting sociopath. He honestly didn’t show any red flags in the first few weeks - he was attentive, generous, funny, complimentary, said he was very keen to find something serious. It was when I said I felt like my feelings were deepening that he did a complete 360 - claimed he’d never said he wanted to be my boyfriend only that he’d “consider it in future” (a lie), listed a load of flaws he saw in me when the previous day he’d told me how wonderful I was, blamed his ex for fucking up his attitude to relationships and said she was emotionally abusive. Long story short, I ended up meeting his ex and discussing him at length and it turned out he’d done much the same to her, specifically the rewriting history and gaslighting. He also said she cheated on him when in reality it was the other way around!

I hope yours turns out to be genuine as it was a real shock when his true colours came out.

Can you outline what “textbook love bombing” looks like?

I'd be very wary op. You may be accepting some stuff because you're being love bombed.

Him telling you that he's going to buy lampshades because he's got a reason to now - wtf? How weird is that? So unless he's going out with someone, he doesnt need lampshades?

I sometimes buy some stuff or declutter or redecorate if I've hot guests staying but I just go ahead and do it and don't tell them.

And if he's around 50 and has no kids, why hasn't he got a decent home?

And you've got to the travelling to him? Why can't he travel to you?

@CowboyBebop, I have at times questioned whether it could be real or when he will suddenly reveal his "true" nature

It's only been 3 months so there is no way his true nature will be known. It tends to take 2 years but from 6 months onwards you might start to see flags.

MN will be naturally cautious but I think the amount of men available in their 40s who are decent vs abusive/cocklodgers/players is probadly tilted in favour of the negative.

Op, Hope yours is a good one (but my spidey senses are tingling).

I think you should enjoy every minute

But

Keep your eyes open , your wits about you and take your time

Of course these things happen but the reality is that often once time progresses then true colours and small issues will appear , we are all only human after all

Just enjoy those butterflies-while they last

I met someone who I was absolutely besotted with from our first date. I honestly felt like I knew we would end up together. It was all so EASY. We clicked instantly and within 3 weeks we were together.
Been together 2 years now and loving every minute of it still! Sometimes you really DO just know.
Good luck to you :)

Told my best friend after our first date (second meeting) that I was going to marry this man.

We’ll celebrate our 34th anniversary next year. Really happy.

After my first date with my husband (where I was nervous I struggles to even speak) I told my best friend in the world (my cat) that I was going to marry him, and I did, in that very place on our anniversary (not our first anniversary, don’t panic). But equally we could have ended up not marrying, for every person who knew and it worked, there will be people it didn’t work for.

Good luck. It might work out, it might not, but you can enjoy it now.

I had two long term relationships (one was a marriage) that started out the way you describe. It was definitely lust on both occasions, looking back, and I found myself committed by the time it had worn off and I realised we were completely unsuited ! Was very young though.

However, I am married again and this one is right. I haven’t doubted or gone off him in any way. That was also fast moving but more of a definite “we have a future together” really early on. I remember lying in bed together, just a few weeks in and he said to me, “I’m going to marry you”. It was never in question really.

We are happy together, and we still talk and talk into the night and laugh so much together all the time - almost 5 years on. A friend said to me yesterday- “You’ve found your ‘one’” . I feel really lucky that we met.

I had children, he didn’t, various baggage on both sides, but it works because we both wanted it to and were both prepared to compromise and learn.

My parents were the same. Moved together after two weeks, married after 6 months, said they both knew from their first date. No love bombing involved, still together in their 70’s.

You’re having fun, sounds like you have your wits about you and will be aware of any red flags. It’s exciting

I'm confused about why you've asked the question as you seem to know your answer/be unwilling to entertain the alternative.

I hope it is real though, that sounds lovely and I would like that too x

I agree with @HollowTalk. An employed man in his 40s living with one set of bed linen and bare bulbs sounds pretty squalid. And who thinks ‘self-improvement’ involves buying lampshades.

Enjoy but please be careful. I didn't want to believe I was being lovebombed but I definitely was. He hasn't ghosted me yet but his mask dropped fairly quickly

@bookworm100

I'm confused about why you've asked the question as you seem to know your answer/be unwilling to entertain the alternative.

I'm unwilling to entertain the thought he might be lying to me. I've done the whole round of liars/ cheats/ narcs and abusive men. I've always known something was off with all of them in the back of my mind and have always been able to spot the lies when they were coming. This guy is honest and I have no reason to doubt him. It was not the point of this thread to ask whether he sounds suspicious.

The point was, simply, to find out whether, in people's experiences, love at first sight/ knowing the One was an actual, real thing, because I'd always been very suspicious of the whole thing and believed it to be made up. Now I'm experiencing something which feels like that Hollywood moment and wanted to know whether it can actually be real.

@Fireflygal thank you for your first post. I think you may have just given me a different perspective on my own current situation.

Sorry to momentarily derail OP. I wish you all the best. It sounds exciting. Enjoy it for what it is.

I agree with @MMmomDD

And there is of course confirmation bias at play...

There will be some people who had the same feelings as you and they are now happily married 40 years later.

There are more people who didn't have those feelings - their relationship was a slow burner - and are still together 40 years later.

There will be some people who had the same feelings as you and it came to nothing. He just didn't work out, or they were activiely played by a love-bomber.

So yes, you can have your experiene and it all end happily ever after. More often than not I suspect it doesn't. It certainly isn't a guarantee that it will.

IME the slow burner relationship was 'the one'. A couple of 'oh wow, this is it!' relationships came to nought after a few months.

None of that should stop you enjoying this experience. He could be 'the one' - just be aware your feelings aren't a sign that he is.

@Mysticguru

There's an old Buddhist teaching that says....

If you meet someone and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak...............
that's not the one.
When you meet your soul mate, you'll feel calm. No anxiety. No agitation!

I love this!! And is exactly how I feel with my DH and have from the start. No guessing, no anxiety, just calm and secure and peaceful and joyful. The heart-wrangling longing and worry I felt with past relationships (what I thought was love) was actually horrible and unsettling in comparison!

Yes. It's happened to me twice. I only married one of them

@KintsugiForever

I too had an immediate connection and overlooked what was in fact love bombing...it was one of the best starts to any relationship I've had. 7 months later it started to go a bit strange and the subtle abuse started. I do think it's possible for this feeling to be safe or sinister, the only way of really knowing is to pause and take time out to consider where you are. Take the pulse of the relationship. My ex and I spoke for 3 hours each night in the first 4 months....I thought it was a 'connection' but it was him deliberately monopolising my time. If something is right then a bit of pacing won't harm it. Really hope it's a good outcome OP 😊

I do worry about people that spend endless hours on the phone in the early days.

Friend number one. Turned out she was definitely love bombed.

Friend number two. Lasted about four months.

I forget where I read it and who said it, but it was a psychologist or expert in a similar field who basically said, if something is too good or someone seems incredibly nice and charming, that is the red flag in itself. If you meet someone who seems amazing and charming and wonderful, that isn't a reason to trust them straight off the bat, and is in fact a reason that you shouldn't trust them and that they need to prove the reality matches this.

Sounds cynical maybe, but like a lot of the women here I've also been in a situation where I thought I "just knew" when I should have run the other way.

I’d love an update in 6 months because I am on the fence.

It’s either red flag central or the beginning of something beautiful.
Sheer intensity makes me feel it’s a bit more red flaggy especially when I compare it to my own experiences.

My DH just felt comfortable and like home. it wasn’t mad intense or crazy - just great and easy from the start