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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nineteen year age gap..selfish behaviour

101 replies

Ethsmum · 24/11/2021 07:44

Not sure where to start.
There’s 19 years between me and my partner, me being the older one, I know and accept we see and like things different.
He’s been banging on about a festival abroad next May bank holiday (his birthday) he really wants us to go to. I’ve said all along it wouldn’t be something I would enjoy. Heavy rock and bands Ive never heard of. My oldest sons goes to see these bands. He’s the sort of person that will go on and on to get his own way and if he doesn’t get it will have a massive tantrum.
So I’ve just said please you go with your friends, nope he said I want you to go, I want to do it with you. He doesn’t really, he will get so drunk and not even notice I’m there. He then tells me we can make it a week (the festival is four days) again I’ve said you go I’m not going.
He hasn’t been faithful to me years ago when we first got together, and in our four years break he worked abroad with his ex, I know he wasn’t faithful to her too, he went abroad because again it’s what he wanted to do.
He really doesn’t have a cut off switch when it comes to drinking, I know he’s does other stuff too.
So yesterday he’s told me he’s booked a week away for this festival for both of us. I’m not going so now he’s looking to take some else with him.
He never suggests or books anything for us, sits on his phone watching videos or tick tok, or plays games on the tv and just binge watches a programme. We watch what he wants to watch. He does very little at home to help, will quite happily watch me do everything.
I have a disabled child so it really takes some organising for me to get away for a few days. This was not even taken into consideration.
He openly admits he’s very selfish, which he thinks excuses him when he does something unacceptable.

The other month he went out in the week to see a band, came home so drunk he could hardly stand… urinated on my carpet because he couldn’t make it to the loo, told me I was making a ball ache of it while I cleaned it up. When he was sober he was sorry, didn’t even offer to pay for the shampoo for the carpet cleaner. Lol
I know how he can treat me like shit but he treats everyone like it. Having said that we do love each other.
But this holiday thing has really highlighted his selfishness, he will be like a kid in a candy store (yes I can get insecure) he owes money to me and other people, there so much more I could write, but I’ve probably bored you all already.
Friends tell me he doesn’t realise what he’s got and I could do so much better. They say he’s batting? I’m not afraid of being on my own at all, been there ! So why do I put up with his shit?
Feeling fragile please go gentle

OP posts:
Changecountetextraordinaire · 24/11/2021 07:50

Well, indeed, why do you put up with rhis shit?

Just kick him out. Do it today. Your life will be so much more pleasant.

travailtotravel · 24/11/2021 07:50

Ok. Why are you with him? Just why? Demand your money back and give him his marching orders. You are worth so much more than tbis.

pinkfondu · 24/11/2021 07:51

Why have you saddled yourself with this extra child????

Josette77 · 24/11/2021 07:52

How old are you?
He sounds immature but given the age gap that's not surprising.
You have a sn child living with this?
You need to be single and also recognize your part in this. This all sounds rather selfish and like neither of you is acting like adults.

Salayes · 24/11/2021 07:53

I think you must be afraid of being alone to be honest otherwise why would you bother with this guy? He sounds like a teenager and like you’re his mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/11/2021 07:55

"When he was sober he was sorry, didn’t even offer to pay for the shampoo for the carpet cleaner. Lol"

You paid for the carpet shampoo then. He really does have no consequences for his actions also because you forgive everything.

Your friends are indeed correct. Indeed you really do need to ask your own self why you put up with this shit from him. Do other people in your life treat you similarly with you merely rolling over whilst you are trying to people please?. People pleasing is itself a problem and you may want to consider actually speaking with a therapist.

Theres no lol about that or about any of your relationship for that matter. Its a car crash and you're with someone with a lot of red flags, not least of all his drinking to excess, his cheating on you and general overt selfishness.

Why do you value yourself so poorly; what happened to you?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, for instance did your dad treat your mum similarly?. Did a parent walk out on you at a young age?. Are you codependent in relationships, I did wonder this of you and I feel you could well be confusing love here with codependency. At the very least read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

Darkpheonix · 24/11/2021 07:55

How old are you both?

This sounds like an awful relationship. He sounds very immature and this relationship sounds awful.

You really need to start taking control of your own life, get rid and look after you and your child.

Sunshineandflipflops · 24/11/2021 07:56

19 years is a hell of an age gap, but he is (I'm assuming) an adult who doesn't want to grow up and act like one.

It sounds as though you are in completely different life stages - you being a responsible parent and homeowner/renter and he is still in adolescent mode.

So far you have told us he is unfaithful, selfish, doesn't listen to you, owes you money and has a drinking/possibly drugs problem.

There are no redeeming qualities that could make this man worth staying with and I'm sorry but 'love' just isn't always enough.

Hoppinggreen · 24/11/2021 07:56

Christ woman, you are worth so much more than this.
He sounds more like an annoying teenage child than a partner, which you really don’t need.
“But we love eachother” - utter bollocks.

HaggisBurger · 24/11/2021 07:56

Re-read your post. Keep re-reading it until you realise you need this man-child out of your life. Immediately. Good luck

NynaeveSedai · 24/11/2021 07:57

Why are you dating someone who is a selfish spoilt manbaby young enough to be your son??

rrhuth · 24/11/2021 07:57

It sounds like you need a rethink.

RantyAunty · 24/11/2021 07:57

Easy solution is kick him out.
He's horrible. He adds zero to your life and is dragging you down.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/11/2021 07:57

Better to be on your own with your child than to be so badly accompanied.

I also feel for your child in all this because this young person is directly seeing you being treated so very poorly by this manchild you have currently settled for (also perhaps out of some fear of being alone). Really and truly, you are alone within this so called relationship. I can see what it is in it for him; he has in you a subserviant, willing and codependent enabler.

SilverPeacock · 24/11/2021 08:00

Why are you still with this person?

spotcheck · 24/11/2021 08:00

Do you like being able to attract a younger man. A much younger man?

Purplewithred · 24/11/2021 08:00

Yes indeed, why do you put up with this shit?

Dump him and get some counselling before you so much as think about another relationship.

Pinksloth · 24/11/2021 08:00

He sounds awful OP, honestly.

It's not the kind of love you really want in your life. Can you imagine in ten years time how you'll feel still clearing up after him, him mooching off you, watching his boring programmes on TV, never going out together. As you get older you'll feel much less tolerant and have less energy to deal with this kind of crap. Call an end to it now.

You deserve so much better.

overthethamesfromyou · 24/11/2021 08:01

You've grown out of him and it's very unlikely he will ever be the man you want him to be, so it's time to start the next phase of your life without him.

Magistera · 24/11/2021 08:02

How old is he? He sounds like a child.

TrampolineForMrKite · 24/11/2021 08:03

I had a boyfriend- different situation, he was significantly older than me- whose go-to excuse what that he was a selfish person who liked to get his own way. I was a bit of a push over where he was concerned (and very young) but even I used to say “you can’t just say that you’re selfish and that’s a get out of jail free card for whatever bad behaviour you like!!”

That aside, your boyfriend sounds like a lazy prick of a manchild. You can definitely do better. The festival is a red herring, but use it as the excuse you need to fuck him off.

Weatherwax13 · 24/11/2021 08:04

Having said that, we do love each other
I would suggest that's not actually the case. Maybe you're so worn down you've slept walked into this. It sounds like you've woken up. Let him go to the festival. It'll give you space to move his stuff out and change the locks.

TopCatsTopHat · 24/11/2021 08:07

@Weatherwax13

Having said that, we do love each other I would suggest that's not actually the case. Maybe you're so worn down you've slept walked into this. It sounds like you've woken up. Let him go to the festival. It'll give you space to move his stuff out and change the locks.
Yes to this.
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 24/11/2021 08:08

He admits he's selfish, therefore when he is selfish, he can turn around and say 'I told you I was selfish' however all that really does is gives him a get out of jail free card. It is a case of put up or shut up. He's showing you who he is, admits he won't change, you just need to decide if you stay with him or not.
Personally I'd rather live alone with my child than put up with that shit show. Life is waaaay too short

HaggisBurger · 24/11/2021 08:09

@Weatherwax13

Having said that, we do love each other I would suggest that's not actually the case. Maybe you're so worn down you've slept walked into this. It sounds like you've woken up. Let him go to the festival. It'll give you space to move his stuff out and change the locks.
Nah! That’s not til next May. Need to get rid of that waste of space way before then. Free yourself OP