Nineteen year age gap..selfish behaviour

[Ethsmum]

Not sure where to start.
There’s 19 years between me and my partner, me being the older one, I know and accept we see and like things different.
He’s been banging on about a festival abroad next May bank holiday (his birthday) he really wants us to go to. I’ve said all along it wouldn’t be something I would enjoy. Heavy rock and bands Ive never heard of. My oldest sons goes to see these bands. He’s the sort of person that will go on and on to get his own way and if he doesn’t get it will have a massive tantrum.
So I’ve just said please you go with your friends, nope he said I want you to go, I want to do it with you. He doesn’t really, he will get so drunk and not even notice I’m there. He then tells me we can make it a week (the festival is four days) again I’ve said you go I’m not going.
He hasn’t been faithful to me years ago when we first got together, and in our four years break he worked abroad with his ex, I know he wasn’t faithful to her too, he went abroad because again it’s what he wanted to do.
He really doesn’t have a cut off switch when it comes to drinking, I know he’s does other stuff too.
So yesterday he’s told me he’s booked a week away for this festival for both of us. I’m not going so now he’s looking to take some else with him.
He never suggests or books anything for us, sits on his phone watching videos or tick tok, or plays games on the tv and just binge watches a programme. We watch what he wants to watch. He does very little at home to help, will quite happily watch me do everything.
I have a disabled child so it really takes some organising for me to get away for a few days. This was not even taken into consideration.
He openly admits he’s very selfish, which he thinks excuses him when he does something unacceptable.

The other month he went out in the week to see a band, came home so drunk he could hardly stand… urinated on my carpet because he couldn’t make it to the loo, told me I was making a ball ache of it while I cleaned it up. When he was sober he was sorry, didn’t even offer to pay for the shampoo for the carpet cleaner. Lol
I know how he can treat me like shit but he treats everyone like it. Having said that we do love each other.
But this holiday thing has really highlighted his selfishness, he will be like a kid in a candy store (yes I can get insecure) he owes money to me and other people, there so much more I could write, but I’ve probably bored you all already.
Friends tell me he doesn’t realise what he’s got and I could do so much better. They say he’s batting? I’m not afraid of being on my own at all, been there ! So why do I put up with his shit?
Feeling fragile please go gentle

The age gap is irrelevant here.

He drinks too much, doesn't know when to say know. He's selfish, does nothing around the house. He's demanding of your free time, wanting you to go to festivals you're not interested in despite you saying no. He pissed on your carpet. He treats you like shit. Treats everyone else like shit too.

Why are you with him? What is attractive about this man?

I'm assuming the sex must be amazing because I can't think of any other reason why being with this guy is better than being single

If you were together. Then had years apart, then hot together and got married again, how old was he when you very first got involved with him?

OP - that sounds absolutely terrible. There is no love in this relationship at all - none from his side. From your side, you seem to have a mis-placed maternal instinct towards this male. Do you feel responsible for him in any way? Are you so lonely that you think you will fall apart without him? Have you romanticised this abuse as ''passion''?

Just let him go with a pure heart and move on. No agonising conversations or staying friends or any of that - just end it. You will be so, so happy to get that stinking millstone off from around your neck.

He is taking advantage of you in the worst way. He will move on in life and take his horrible addictions and behaviours away with him.

By the way I am 14 years older than my husband and we have been together (married) for over 20 years. You need everything to be right for that age gap to work. You have nothing in place for it to work.

@5128gap

He thinks he can do as he likes because his youth makes him the prize. He is wrong. Young men who do as they please and leave you to clean up after them are a dime a dozen. If you wanted to replace him you'd have a queue.

I think you hit the nail on the head - he thinks he can do what he wants as he is 19 years younger and OP should think herself lucky to have him.

Some people is this thread are thinking he is very young - I don't think this man is very young at all - more like a late 30s crusty who has a drink and drugs habit and thinks staying young means going to festivals.
If he had pissed on my carpet I would have put him on his backside there and then. Some behaviours need a sharp correction.

OP - please get this book - "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum" - this is exactly what you need - I promise it will help you. It saved my life in a similar situation a long time ago.

I agree with you Pascal I don't think he's that young either, having read about the 4 year break they had, and getting the impression they've been together a while despite that. I'm thinking mid 30s/mid 50s too. If that's the case, I think the OP has an even bigger problem, as his behaviour is not something he's even going to age out of, or that is likely to change if OP takes a firm stance. I think their roles have become entrenched with the underlying narrative he holds the cards, and the only way up for the OP is out.

It's not the age difference that's the issue it's the complete lack of respect for you.

My partner of 8 years is 13 years younger than me but has never done any of the things your partner has.

Thank you all again x
He’s nearly 38… and I should of said he’s a social drinker, but when he parties he parties hard..

I’ve really taken something from all of your comments and advice.., thanks again x

What did you expect when you date a man 19 years younger.

@drpet49

What did you expect when you date a man 19 years younger.

He's 38. I may be wrong, but I'm guessing he wouldn't be a respectful, teetotal, pillar of the community with a penchant for carpet shampoo if the OP was also in her 30s.

19 years younger
No off switch with booze
Also does drugs
Has cheated on you
Goes on and on and on to bully you into him getting his way
Pisses on your carpet and says you're cleaning his piss up wrong
Owes you money
Owes other people money

What the fuck are you thinking shagging such a colossal arsehole?

It'd be bad enough if you had no dependents but you have kids. Do you have any idea how damaging it is to kids to watch a parent being mistreated in a toxic relationship? The longer you stay with this guy the more likely they will replicate your relationship dynamic.

But even if you had no kids... how can you shag such a fucking loser?

Having said that, we do love each other

Nope. He's a user and you're an enabler. That's not love.

It's not even codependency, he just doesn't give a shit.

Why the lol about the carpet cleaner?
What good does going gentle do?
You don't love each other. It's habit or fear or trying to convince yourself you care about one another.
He's cheated.
This is your life. Stop complaining and accept he's a twat or leave. It's really that simple.

Omg. You’re giving your kid’s money to this utter waste of skin? You are treated like shit and you think he loves you?

Please leave this hopeless manchild

@goody2shooz

Omg. You’re giving your kid’s money to this utter waste of skin? You are treated like shit and you think he loves you?

Where is she giving him her kids money?

@Ethsmum

Thank you all again x He’s nearly 38… and I should of said he’s a social drinker, but when he parties he parties hard.. I’ve really taken something from all of your comments and advice.., thanks again x

Like a lot of PPs I was reading this thinking he was about 19 or 20... not that his behaviour would be excusable then either tbh but far, FAR worse on a man in his late 30s. I'm mindboggled. This relationship has no future and he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or belongings. Starting over or being alone can be scary, I totally understand that, but it can't be worse than being treated like this.

@5128gap iirc OP has mentioned that he owes her, and other people, money.

@Ethsmum

Thank you all again x He’s nearly 38… and I should of said he’s a social drinker, but when he parties he parties hard.. I’ve really taken something from all of your comments and advice.., thanks again x

He is a binge drinker then - a chronic, habitual alcohol abuser.

That's the real meaning of ''parties hard'' at 37 years old! He isn't 19!
He is an alcoholic - a binge drinker who can't stop once he has started -is a very hard form of alcoholism to deal with. At 37, it will be well entrenched and will get worse as time goes by. A grown man who pisses on the carpet is so lost in alcohol it's untrue. He is also a danger to you and your child. A drunk man has incredible strength and unpredictability.

It's just a matter of time until there is some terrible accident, OP.

Please find the strength to move him out and on his way as soon as you can.

OP - He sounds like a horrible, useless bastard, an addict and a coward. We are here for you.

He sounds absolutely horrible. Really doesn’t behave like he loves you. Please get rid of this vile selfish man!

38 ?!? I thought you were describing a teenager. Good grief.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

19 years younger No off switch with booze Also does drugs Has cheated on you Goes on and on and on to bully you into him getting his way Pisses on your carpet and says you're cleaning his piss up wrong Owes you money Owes other people money

What the fuck are you thinking shagging such a colossal arsehole?

It'd be bad enough if you had no dependents but you have kids. Do you have any idea how damaging it is to kids to watch a parent being mistreated in a toxic relationship? The longer you stay with this guy the more likely they will replicate your relationship dynamic.

But even if you had no kids... how can you shag such a fucking loser?

I wish I could give you a medal for this absolutely spot-on post. ^^

@Hoolahupsaresquare

38 ?!? I thought you were describing a teenager. Good grief.

Same. I seriously thought he was 22 and you were 40! You deserve better than him OP. Xx

He's 38?? This was bad enough when I assumed he was a 19/20 year old, but 38???

He sounds vile. In every respect. Why do you say you love each other? He shows no signs of loving you. You don't cheat repeatedly on someone you love.

Please see that you deserve 1000 times better than this sorry excuse for a human.

I assumed he was early 20s, you 40ish. Most 19 year olds would probably be more considerate and respectful. What is the attraction?

Love means respect, care etc. He's not showing you that and he sounds crazily immature.