Nineteen year age gap..selfish behaviour

[Ethsmum]

Not sure where to start.
There’s 19 years between me and my partner, me being the older one, I know and accept we see and like things different.
He’s been banging on about a festival abroad next May bank holiday (his birthday) he really wants us to go to. I’ve said all along it wouldn’t be something I would enjoy. Heavy rock and bands Ive never heard of. My oldest sons goes to see these bands. He’s the sort of person that will go on and on to get his own way and if he doesn’t get it will have a massive tantrum.
So I’ve just said please you go with your friends, nope he said I want you to go, I want to do it with you. He doesn’t really, he will get so drunk and not even notice I’m there. He then tells me we can make it a week (the festival is four days) again I’ve said you go I’m not going.
He hasn’t been faithful to me years ago when we first got together, and in our four years break he worked abroad with his ex, I know he wasn’t faithful to her too, he went abroad because again it’s what he wanted to do.
He really doesn’t have a cut off switch when it comes to drinking, I know he’s does other stuff too.
So yesterday he’s told me he’s booked a week away for this festival for both of us. I’m not going so now he’s looking to take some else with him.
He never suggests or books anything for us, sits on his phone watching videos or tick tok, or plays games on the tv and just binge watches a programme. We watch what he wants to watch. He does very little at home to help, will quite happily watch me do everything.
I have a disabled child so it really takes some organising for me to get away for a few days. This was not even taken into consideration.
He openly admits he’s very selfish, which he thinks excuses him when he does something unacceptable.

The other month he went out in the week to see a band, came home so drunk he could hardly stand… urinated on my carpet because he couldn’t make it to the loo, told me I was making a ball ache of it while I cleaned it up. When he was sober he was sorry, didn’t even offer to pay for the shampoo for the carpet cleaner. Lol
I know how he can treat me like shit but he treats everyone like it. Having said that we do love each other.
But this holiday thing has really highlighted his selfishness, he will be like a kid in a candy store (yes I can get insecure) he owes money to me and other people, there so much more I could write, but I’ve probably bored you all already.
Friends tell me he doesn’t realise what he’s got and I could do so much better. They say he’s batting? I’m not afraid of being on my own at all, been there ! So why do I put up with his shit?
Feeling fragile please go gentle

Well you played right into his hands because he knew you wouldn't go and now he will get up to all sorts of shit without you knowing.
If he owes you and others money how come he isn't repaying you before he engages in his frivolous lifestyle? He's like a young child who will never grow up and why you would want to live with this i will never know.

Please tell me this man child has a job?

Why exactly are you with this enormous waste of space? You deserve much better.

It’s your child who has my pity. Can’t imagine having to tolerate that in my home

No point being hard on yourself for not realising sooner, but you know now, this isn’t love. Be kind to yourself and dump this loser.

The blinkers are gone now and it’s going to end, don’t prolong it, just end it and enjoy your good life.

Good luck.

Well if you LOL about him pissing on your carpet I think you get what you deserve
He’s basically young enough to be your son and acts like a stroppy teenager and if that’s what you like carry on
Or you could you know kick him to the kerb and get on with a much better life

He's a lazy, immature, ignorant, disrespectful, alcoholic, cheating bum. Why are you still together?

If he was a half decent bloke, I'd say you should make the effort to go to the festival though. I don't see the point in being with somebody where you can't compromise.

It’s the sex isn’t it?
Because from the things you’ve listed the only thing you haven’t mentioned is sex, so I’m assuming that’s partly why you put up with his total disrespect for you.

Thank you for all your comments… you are all so right.
I did just want to say I am totally Independent and self sufficient, I have gone it on my own for many years, so the being on my own I’m really ok with. I own my own home, have my own money, car etc.
I was abused by my ex husband 🤷‍♀️ Gosh don’t I sound like a real sad case… I’m really not and actually quite a strong woman… I’ve just read my post and I know what my reply would be to someone else.
Wtf is wrong with me….

You might love him, but I'm pretty sure he only loves himself. He probably has very warm feelings to you as the person to enable his lifestyle (apart from when you have the audacity to complain) but it's a peculiar kind of love.

And what do you actually love about him?

You know this is a bad situation for you and that you deserve more, right?

Maybe you should try counselling or therapy to understand why you're putting up with this?

Ah, the answer to why you're sticking this out might lie in your previous abusive relationship.

When you've been through abuse, it skews your boundaries.

Worth addressing through counselling, trying the freedom programme and looking at ways for you to rebuild and maintain boundaries.

@Ethsmum

Thank you for all your comments… you are all so right. I did just want to say I am totally Independent and self sufficient, I have gone it on my own for many years, so the being on my own I’m really ok with. I own my own home, have my own money, car etc. I was abused by my ex husband 🤷‍♀️ Gosh don’t I sound like a real sad case… I’m really not and actually quite a strong woman… I’ve just read my post and I know what my reply would be to someone else. Wtf is wrong with me….

Being abused by your husband does NOT make you a sad case. He’s your ex husband so that means you can ditch arseholes when necessary. You are obviously vulnerable and this horrible man is taking advantage of that, these men see an opening (being loved in your case at a guess) and exploit it. Come on, you have done this once and you can do it again. You are independent and don’t need him for anything so just get rid

So you are 37 ? Because he sounds like 17 ! Seriously , regardless of either of your ages , he sounds like he is hard work and you've got yourself another child . Dump him and get on with life.

@TrampolineForMrKite

I had a boyfriend- different situation, he was significantly older than me- whose go-to excuse what that he was a selfish person who liked to get his own way. I was a bit of a push over where he was concerned (and very young) but even I used to say “you can’t just say that you’re selfish and that’s a get out of jail free card for whatever bad behaviour you like!!”

That aside, your boyfriend sounds like a lazy prick of a manchild. You can definitely do better. The festival is a red herring, but use it as the excuse you need to fuck him off.

Yes my ex is like this. Makes excuses for his criticism of my driving with "I've always been a terrible passenger" and the constant negging and moaning with "Yes I know I'm an arse". As if we should just accept they can't change that part of their personality and, indeed, accept they have a get out of jail free card. Yet I have a rather strident voice and I was always being told I was loud and embarrassing. But not one person has ever stopped what they were doing to listen to me because they overheard me.

Bin this immature kid off now.

What are you thinking?

He's a cocklodger and I think you know it with reference to "my carpet " . He drinks and other stuff - I assume drugs ? You wouldn't let your sons behave like this - why are you putting up with all this crap? He doesn't love you if he behaves like this . I wish I could give you a shake - open your eyes , woman .

I could imagine that having lived in an abusive relationship before your boundaries are more easily breached because we are all adaptive creatures and once we have been taught something it becomes 'comfy' even when our conscious mind knows it shouldn't. This is the legacy of your horrible ex's behaviour to you... Start to think of it that way and you might get the ick you need to make the change your heart is tauranga but your head knows you should.
Then find the kind and the patient people and spend as much time with folk like that as you can. Look for lovely ways to heal and real life people to support your choice to do that and go from there

You are at very different life stages. Different generations. Your age gap is only slightly smaller than the gap between my parents and I. That explains your different interests.

However, it does not matter how old he is. He is a cheat and cannot hold his drink and that would be a huge turn off for me. He sounds like your silly teen ds, not your DP.

Oh dear..... as he lives with you I hope he doesn't have a claim on your house when you kick him to the curb.

Surely this post is a wind up? Surely you don’t actually tolerate these behaviours? I mean really?

I don’t see what you get out of the relationship at all.

What are you getting from this relationship?

I’m normally against all the jump in LTB posts but being the 17 years younger than my DP and living a lovely life I think you deserve a lot better.

Have some self respect. If not for you, for your son.

You are right your boundaries are way off.
Value yourself and get rid of this man.

I think the age gap is a red herring. There were 20 years between my in-laws, but no-one in the relationship behaved abominably like your DP. He is just a selfish arsehole and will still be one in 19 years' time. But you don't need to be around to see it.

You have realised what he is like, and are now wondering why on earth you put up with it. Give yourself a day or two to adjust and then wave him goodbye. Just think - no more spoilt-child whinging when he doesn't get his own way. And - more importantly - no more piss on the carpet. You sound so lovely and you deserve so much better!